Author Topic: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?  (Read 5779 times)

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mooseketeer

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #30 on: September 20, 2011, 03:11:30 AM »

how is it more clearly date-like to invite him for a coffee than to a bbq?


I am assuming that you mean a bbq with other friends, so a group setting? If that is the case, then that could be kind of ambiguous. You may just think he gets along with your friends. I'm obviously stretching here, because I think whenever a girl asks a boy to hang out for the first time (or boy asking girl or boy asking boy or girl asking girl, depending on ... you know) it would be natural for the askee to ponder that maybe the asker has romantic type thoughts.

The coffee date is naturally one on one, so that is some level of intimacy / privacy not reached at a group setting. I think it's really how you act when you are together. If you make sure to spend time with him and have a good long conversation with him, then even in a group setting you can show your tentative interest.

I am a tragic over-thinker, so just enjoy yourself! that's the important part.

Spoder

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #31 on: September 20, 2011, 03:20:11 AM »
Hey, mooseketeer, I'm a tragic overthinker myself, otherwise this thread wouldn't exist!  ;D

I get what you're saying, though. He's single, I'm single, we're both hetero, we get along well, he's made it clear that he doesn't think I'm physically unattractive - so realistically, no matter what I ask him to do, the possibility that I might be interested beyond friendship is going to cross his mind, I think. I sort of don't want to just throw myself at him by inviting him out for a candlelit dinner or something, in case he really is not keen.

mooseketeer

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #32 on: September 20, 2011, 03:22:26 AM »
That's why the BBQ is such a great idea, if he says no at least you'll have a nice evening with your friends!

amylouky

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #33 on: September 20, 2011, 09:22:08 AM »
I think asking him out "just as friends" would be misleading, since you're really wanting to see if there's a romantic interest.
Believe me, I understand the desire to make it casual.. in my dating days, there's no WAY I would have explicitly expressed an interest in a man unless he had done so first. Pathetic, yes, but my fears were that he would be thinking, "Are you KIDDING? Of course I'm not interested in YOU..". And then go laugh about it with his friends or something.
Looking back, though, I missed quite a few opportunities with truly nice guys who WERE trying to send signals but maybe too shy/unsure to do anything about it themselves, because I assumed they were just being nice, and didn't want to take that risk.
But, dating is a risk, you have to put yourself out there. Yes, sometimes you'll feel silly, and sometimes get hurt, but that's an unfortunate part of the game. Just ask him if he would like to get coffee some time. If he's shy, he's most likely not going to want to join a group of your friends that he doesn't know well, and besides, is that really going to give you an opportunity to get to know him one-on-one?

Spoder

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #34 on: September 20, 2011, 09:32:35 AM »
I think asking him out "just as friends" would be misleading, since you're really wanting to see if there's a romantic interest.
Believe me, I understand the desire to make it casual.. in my dating days, there's no WAY I would have explicitly expressed an interest in a man unless he had done so first. Pathetic, yes, but my fears were that he would be thinking, "Are you KIDDING? Of course I'm not interested in YOU..". And then go laugh about it with his friends or something.Looking back, though, I missed quite a few opportunities with truly nice guys who WERE trying to send signals but maybe too shy/unsure to do anything about it themselves, because I assumed they were just being nice, and didn't want to take that risk.
But, dating is a risk, you have to put yourself out there. Yes, sometimes you'll feel silly, and sometimes get hurt, but that's an unfortunate part of the game. Just ask him if he would like to get coffee some time. If he's shy, he's most likely not going to want to join a group of your friends that he doesn't know well, and besides, is that really going to give you an opportunity to get to know him one-on-one?

Thanks so much for saying that, you wouldn't believe how much it struck home - that's exactly how I feel!

Honestly, the only reason I'm even considering asking this guy out, is because he made a comment about me a few weeks ago and I sort of did a double-take (an invisible one, hopefully  ;)), and thought 'Oh! I didn't know he thought that about me at all!'. So I kind of got a bit of courage. Then I talked myself back into 'I'm misinterpreting, forget it'.  ::)

I'll test out the waters next week, and if it seems right, I'll ask him.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #35 on: September 20, 2011, 11:36:00 PM »
I think asking him out "just as friends" would be misleading, since you're really wanting to see if there's a romantic interest.
Believe me, I understand the desire to make it casual.. in my dating days, there's no WAY I would have explicitly expressed an interest in a man unless he had done so first. Pathetic, yes, but my fears were that he would be thinking, "Are you KIDDING? Of course I'm not interested in YOU..". And then go laugh about it with his friends or something.Looking back, though, I missed quite a few opportunities with truly nice guys who WERE trying to send signals but maybe too shy/unsure to do anything about it themselves, because I assumed they were just being nice, and didn't want to take that risk.
But, dating is a risk, you have to put yourself out there. Yes, sometimes you'll feel silly, and sometimes get hurt, but that's an unfortunate part of the game. Just ask him if he would like to get coffee some time. If he's shy, he's most likely not going to want to join a group of your friends that he doesn't know well, and besides, is that really going to give you an opportunity to get to know him one-on-one?

Thanks so much for saying that, you wouldn't believe how much it struck home - that's exactly how I feel!

Honestly, the only reason I'm even considering asking this guy out, is because he made a comment about me a few weeks ago and I sort of did a double-take (an invisible one, hopefully  ;)), and thought 'Oh! I didn't know he thought that about me at all!'. So I kind of got a bit of courage. Then I talked myself back into 'I'm misinterpreting, forget it'.  ::)

I'll test out the waters next week, and if it seems right, I'll ask him.

And any guy who'd turn you down, and then laugh about it with his friends is NOT the sort of man you'd want to be dating anyway.  :)

Spoder

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #36 on: September 21, 2011, 09:44:43 AM »
Non-update update:

Worked with Nice Dude again today. Same scenario: chat chat chat, no work getting done. At one point:

Him: (after getting up to get me a glass of water and a pencil, both of which I could have got myself) So, are you working Friday?
Me: Yep, sure am.
Him: What about Monday...will you be in on Monday?
Me: Yep!
Him: So, what are you doing today...I mean, after we finish this?
Me: I have a meeting with my supervisor tomorrow so I have to go home and work on my thesis.
Him: Oh. Okay.

 ::) I cannot imagine why I remain single.  ::)

quietgirl

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #37 on: September 21, 2011, 12:21:03 PM »
Quick!  Are you still working?

Say this:  Oh, hey, looks like I have some free time after work after all.  Do you have time for lunch/beer/whatever is casual & time-of-day-appropriate.

You can always lose a little sleep to get your thesis done.   ;)


 ::) I cannot imagine why I remain single.  ::)

And, yeah, I'm right there with ya sister....


LifeOnPluto

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #38 on: September 21, 2011, 11:03:48 PM »
POD! Can you spare half an hour for a quick coffee or drink? If so, tell him!!

lollylegs

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #39 on: September 21, 2011, 11:19:17 PM »
POD! Can you spare half an hour for a quick coffee or drink? If so, tell him!!

Do it!

For the future, my patented asking-out-a-guy-without-really-asking-him-out method was to slip a 'We should...' into general conversation. That way, you can gauge their reaction before making your move.

EG:

The two of you: Blah blah, hey we both like that thing!
You: We should do that thing together sometime.

If he responds eagerly, then next time you see him you can say, "Hey, I'm doing that thing on the weekend, wanna join me?"

Spoder

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #40 on: September 21, 2011, 11:46:11 PM »
Thanks, guys, but I was home from work when I wrote that post.  :(  Argh!

On the bright side  :), we're working together on Monday. So my plan is, when I arrive and he's there (he always beats me in), I'm going to make a light comment about 'Let's not talk while we're working' (which is probably a good idea, since we are going to have lots to do that day), 'and maybe we could go and grab a coffee somewhere nicer to hang out than here, when we're all done'. Or something like that. I'm not going to rehearse it or anything, but you get the drift.

*Sigh*. I expected to have all this rubbish sorted out years ago!

lollylegs

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #41 on: September 21, 2011, 11:52:08 PM »
^ Good luck!

Spoder

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #42 on: September 21, 2011, 11:54:18 PM »

Redsoil

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #43 on: September 22, 2011, 09:24:04 AM »
I don't know that I'd exactly word it as you have done, Spoder - initially it sounds a bit off-putting "Let's not talk...." etc.  Good idea, though!

Maybe tweak the wording to something like "We've got a heap of work to get through today, so I had a great idea.  If we concentrate on getting through it, we should be finished a bit sooner, then we can catch up on our social time over a coffee.  What do you think?"

You may find a better wording that you're more comfortable with.  Good luck, and try not to be too nervous!
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Spoder

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Re: Is there a polite way to say 'Want to go out but just as friends'?
« Reply #44 on: September 22, 2011, 09:41:15 AM »
I don't know that I'd exactly word it as you have done, Spoder - initially it sounds a bit off-putting "Let's not talk...." etc.  Good idea, though!

Maybe tweak the wording to something like "We've got a heap of work to get through today, so I had a great idea.  If we concentrate on getting through it, we should be finished a bit sooner, then we can catch up on our social time over a coffee.  What do you think?"

You may find a better wording that you're more comfortable with.  Good luck, and try not to be too nervous!

Oh, don't worry, I'm not going to roll up there and command him not to talk, and then to have a coffee with me -  ;D - it'll be much more along the lines of your phrasing. Thanks for the encouragement!