Pyscho-analyzing in threads

[Sandi Papaya]

Jo DeDera, that is almost word for word what i was thinking.

I might not *like* being told to look at my past behaviors - it might sting a bit - but there is probably a good reason for it. I don't see that as being in the same vein as "Your mother is toxic!" or "Your boyfriend is controlling!"

Exactly. Helping a fellow poster develop some self-awareness so they have the tools to deal with similar situations in the future is not any form of diagnosis. Thanks for recognizing the distinction.

[Merry Mrs Martin]

Sorry, but I do see that example as armchair psychology. That is an example of what I was talking about earlier. It's getting too deep, taking it too far.

How is asking someone to look at their own behaviour armchair psychiatry? What is the point of asking for advice if someone isn't willing to look at how their own behaviour could be cotributing to a situation?
I would understand if one were told "Look at your own behaviour, you are clearly exhibiting antisocial tendancies" or "Look at how controlling you are being in XYZ, it is not right" but that is WAY differnt from "Is there something that you have previouslly done to warrent this reaction?"

But that is not necessarily psychology.....If a posters says " I wasn't given a birthday gift from my grandma" and then " my Uncle didn't send  Christmas card and my cousin didn't call this year either"  asking "Is there something going on from your end? Do you send thanks yous and reciprocate? Did you have an argument? ", "It may be you/you may be sending don't contact me signals"  can be/lead to an etiquette answer.   That's not psychology that's asking for pertant facts, the correct etiquette of a relationship can't always be ascertained from one interaction.  It does make a difference to etiquette if you have turned down 3 invitations and then are not invited to a party or if you just hosted a person several times and were then the only person not invited to a party.

[DuBois]

I am really tired of hearing that all thin people are shallow manipulative frenemies with body issues. Seriously. Enough already. And people who don't think pregnancy is amazing are jealous and, of course, have body issues. And every fourth person is toxic, controlling, abusive, and they probably have body issues, too 

Yes, this is a forum and people are entitled to their opinions. That does not mean everyone is entitled to post every last opinion they have. There is a difference. There are lots of things that are not appropriate here, and although armchair psychology may be low on the list it is in fact part of the forum rules.

Does this apply only with the remark "it's a control issue"? *Some* very prudent psychologizing is helpful in that it tries to understand where the other person is coming from, hence empathize at least minimally, which goes a long way in being able to be polite.

While that is certainly true, psychoanalysis performed by (probably) unlicensed strangers on the interweb is likely the least effective way to go about it.

 I haven't seen people say that anywhere, ever. That seems a huge exagerration. And I say that as a thin person! In the most recent thread that I can think of, people said that people (of all sizes) could sometimes be PA about appearance issues, and it was said that it was insensitive for thin people to call themselves 'whales' in front of larger people. That is a long way from painting 'all thin people as frenemies'.

[MaggieB]

Jo DeDera, that is almost word for word what i was thinking.

I might not *like* being told to look at my past behaviors - it might sting a bit - but there is probably a good reason for it. I don't see that as being in the same vein as "Your mother is toxic!" or "Your boyfriend is controlling!"

Exactly. 

And in any given situation, we're only working with the OP.  They're the only one in the story seeking advice, so it makes sense to ask for a little self-reflection if something seems weird or people around them are consistently acting hurtfully.  Even if someone else is clearly more at fault, we only have the power to advise the OP.  If asking for that kind of information is off limits, then it does just turn into a sympathetic chorus in the thread. 

But I totally agree that any kind of diagnosing or extreme labeling (abusive, toxic, controlling, evil) or treatment suggestions should be reported and shut down.  Especially when it's based off one isolated incident.  That always seems bizarre to me.

[Bethalize]

I welcome all advice. If someone knows of a condition or a similar situation with a parallel I want to hear about it. It's really hard to deal with some people, and having someone say "that's controlling" or "that's typical of someone with this condition" adds new information.

[Ehelldame]

There is a point where proper etiquette is inadequate to fix a situation and we need to know where that is.

When etiquette cannot fix the situation, it means the situation involves mental illness or legal matters or criminal behavior or some other problem this forum is ill-equipted to address.  At that point is when the thread should die a natural death.