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Author Topic: Why My Parents Hate Facebook  (Read 17368 times)

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Balletmom

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Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« on: October 02, 2011, 05:40:48 PM »
Background: My parents aren't on Facebook and rail against it; but because they can't entirely keep secret their activities or visits to other members of the family. Last spring, they visited my aunt for a "mini family reunion." Aunt lives 20 minutes from Sis, (about a 5 hour drive.) They went to great efforts to keep this secret because they felt they didn't have enough time to visit Sis, nor did they want Sis coming out to Aunt's. (Other family members came, and Aunt, who knew nothing of this, would have gladly invited Sis and her family.) My father later tried to explain to me that they "just didn't have time" for Sis or their grandchildren, but he's never said anything to my sister.

Aunt would never understand this, because she's the exact opposite of the BalletGrandparents.

They would have been furious if Sis had done this to them; my mother also very hypocritically (and I don't use that word lightly) complained long and bitterly that when she was visiting Sis last Easter, Aunt didn't invite her to Easter lunch. Of course not, Aunt said, I knew you were visiting Niece.

My mother complained about this to Sis, whose jaw just dropped. It only makes sense if you know, as I do, that Mom would have gladly left Sis's house early to have lunch with her siblings, and wouldn't have told Sis.

I have no issue with their hating Facebook, or wanting to have some privacy. I think it's almost funny that my mother will complain bitterly that she wasn't invited to Easter lunch at her sister's--because Sister knew she was in the area--when she tries to keep secret her own visits from Sis.

So, school has started again for all of us, and DH commented that we've heard absolutely nothing from the 'rents. I've called my mother at least once a week. In fact, I was actually a little worried that perhaps something was going on, and tried to call them today.

Nope. My cousin's Facebook status showed a picture of my parents, at a rodeo event near their house (about 20 minutes away from me) and a thanks for bringing breakfast tacos to the event.

Last time Cousin was in town, I didn't know about it until it was too late to attend. I told my parents that I would have loved to see Cousin, so please let me know next time.

And they didn't.

If I mention this to my parents, which would be normal for any other family, they'll get miffed. I can also message Cousin that next time she's in town, I'd love to see her, and to let me know. Then I can just show up, without my parents knowing. They'll be miffed again, but won't be able to say or do much.

As a side note, when my mother had surgery this summer, I spent several days at the hospital with her and brought them dinner when she came home. I am  the Convenient Daughter, I think. Furthermore, when there's an event where they can show up as grandparents at Big Event (ballet performances, Eagle Scout, etc.) they show up. Other than that, they don't ever have time for the grandchildren. I appreciate that they show up for the big events, but the grandchildren have definitely caught on to that their grandparents show up only when it seems to be a matter of "Look at my grandchild on stage there." I'll call my mother and listen to her rant for a good half hour or so, with only perfunctory questions about the DDs or myself.

Is it rude to mention this, since it's really a perfectly normal thing? And why should I tip toe around and not mention that I know this, just because I know my parents don't want me to know that they visit with other members of the family?

It seems like going to extremes to enable them, but I recognize that this might be my hurt feelings talking.








Iris

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #1 on: October 02, 2011, 06:13:56 PM »
My head hurts. I can't understand such machiavellian machinations around something as simple as a family get together.

I deal with people like this by simply pretending that they're NOT like it. By that I mean I do exactly what I would do if they weren't playing convoluted games. It's not my game, I don't have to play.

So if you would normally say to hypothetical normal relative "Hey, I saw on cousin's fb page that they were over. I thought you were going to let me know next time they were coming?" then say it. Then when they storm and rant or just act miffed give them the exact same look that you would give them if they suddenly started discussing football plays (or whatever) with you in mid conversation. After all, that's what they are doing, randomly imposing their own special rules on a perfectly straightforward conversation.
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Balletmom

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2011, 06:34:57 PM »
My head hurts. I can't understand such machiavellian machinations around something as simple as a family get together.

I deal with people like this by simply pretending that they're NOT like it. By that I mean I do exactly what I would do if they weren't playing convoluted games. It's not my game, I don't have to play.

So if you would normally say to hypothetical normal relative "Hey, I saw on cousin's fb page that they were over. I thought you were going to let me know next time they were coming?" then say it. Then when they storm and rant or just act miffed give them the exact same look that you would give them if they suddenly started discussing football plays (or whatever) with you in mid conversation. After all, that's what they are doing, randomly imposing their own special rules on a perfectly straightforward conversation.

Thank you so much. That's exactly what I think, but needed validation. I shouldn't have to play games and enable them to impose their weird rules of secrecy and silence.

And I'm not just saying this because I love breakfast tacos more than anything else in the world, and I'm pretty sure they went to a place spotlighted on Food Network for breakfast tacos and such, and no, they've never brought such to me. 



bonyk

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2011, 08:23:18 PM »
Your parents get miffed pretty easily.  Not your problem.  You're entitled to relationships with your extended family.  Message your cousin, and let your parents know that you'd like to be included next time.

If they get miffed, who cares?  Buy yourself a breakfast taco for surviving the ridiculous.

kherbert05

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2011, 08:46:19 PM »
Don't let your parents be gatekeepers. Contact the extended family you want to be in contact with and maintain a separate relationship.


When I was in University, a friend of mine was shocked that my cousin invited me to an event directly. Seems in her family the cousin would have told her parents would have told my parents who would have told me if I could go. Good grief we were both over 18. I was at university. Cousin was married and had an elementary aged child.
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Sandi Papaya

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2011, 08:46:53 PM »
I'm sorry, but I have to ask, what is a breakfast taco? Is it a taco with egg, sausage, potato, etc, like a breakfast burrito? Is this a TX thing? Because I've never heard of it.

Other than that, I got nothin'. This was a bit confusing to read.

Balletmom

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #6 on: October 02, 2011, 08:49:13 PM »
Your parents get miffed pretty easily.  Not your problem.  You're entitled to relationships with your extended family.  Message your cousin, and let your parents know that you'd like to be included next time.

If they get miffed, who cares?  Buy yourself a breakfast taco for surviving the ridiculous.

Bolded mine. My parents have some weird kind of issue with our having relationships with each other (I learned to not say that my sister and I ever talked about anything significant) and it's probably about their control issues.

I just know they'll freak and make it all about Facebook.

So thanks for the encouragement about the real issue.

They can bring breakfast tacos to my cousin. They can't pick up the phone to call in six weeks to check in with me. They'll be miffed if I compliment them on bringing the breakfast tacos and seeing Cousin.

Yes, this issue is their problem,. not mine.

Thanks for the perspective, because where breakfast tacos are concerned, I don't see straight. As well., they made the effort to get the tacos from Bob's nationally recognized taco place, but they can't call me in six weeks on their own.





artk2002

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #7 on: October 02, 2011, 08:49:41 PM »
This isn't really about Facebook, it's about your parents wanting to keep their cake and eat it as well.  Their convoluted ideas of who should know their activities make it tough for the people around them.  This could easily have been a phone call rather than a FB posting.  Or a casual mention in a letter (if we want to go old-school.)

The more conditions you place on something, the harder it is for people to comply.  Especially if those conditions make the other people go "whaaa?"
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EduardosGirl

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #8 on: October 02, 2011, 08:55:46 PM »
I'm sorry, but I have to ask, what is a breakfast taco? Is it a taco with egg, sausage, potato, etc, like a breakfast burrito? Is this a TX thing? Because I've never heard of it.

Other than that, I got nothin'. This was a bit confusing to read.

I'm not sure, but it sounds desperately euphemistic.

No? Just me?

Sandi Papaya

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #9 on: October 02, 2011, 08:58:38 PM »
I'm sorry, but I have to ask, what is a breakfast taco? Is it a taco with egg, sausage, potato, etc, like a breakfast burrito? Is this a TX thing? Because I've never heard of it.

Other than that, I got nothin'. This was a bit confusing to read.

I'm not sure, but it sounds desperately euphemistic.

No? Just me?

I'll go with that, then.  8)

kherbert05

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #10 on: October 02, 2011, 09:00:28 PM »
I'm sorry, but I have to ask, what is a breakfast taco? Is it a taco with egg, sausage, potato, etc, like a breakfast burrito? Is this a TX thing? Because I've never heard of it.

Other than that, I got nothin'. This was a bit confusing to read.

Yes different combinations of egg, potato, beans, chees, country sausage, bacon, chorizo, beef, ham, chicharron Gulsado, carne Gulsada, barbacoa, legua. Usually with flour tortillas.

The place Balletmom is talking about is terrific. A couple of my friends were in the Food Network Episode. They also have the best snowballs. They are also very nice. My nephew dropped his snowball - and they wouldn't let me pay for the new one. Just gave him a new one.
Don't Teach Them For Your Past. Teach Them For Their Future

Sandi Papaya

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #11 on: October 02, 2011, 09:05:56 PM »
I'm sorry, but I have to ask, what is a breakfast taco? Is it a taco with egg, sausage, potato, etc, like a breakfast burrito? Is this a TX thing? Because I've never heard of it.

Yes different combinations of egg, potato, beans, cheese, country sausage, bacon, chorizo, beef, ham, chicharrón guisado, carne guisada, barbacoa, lengua. Usually with flour tortillas.

Ohhh, that sounds good. Now I want one. A chicharrón taco would be heavenly!
« Last Edit: October 02, 2011, 09:09:15 PM by Jo DeDera »

Zilla

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #12 on: October 02, 2011, 09:06:25 PM »
I think you have to remove your parents from the equation and just make your own plans to see these extended relatives.


Don't expect anything from them and stop trying to make them rise up to normal standards only to fail.


I would just accept the fact they have their own lives and intend to live it that way.


All these stories you posted and this one, just shows it over and over again.

Balletmom

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #13 on: October 02, 2011, 09:13:34 PM »
This isn't really about Facebook, it's about your parents wanting to keep their cake and eat it as well.  Their convoluted ideas of who should know their activities make it tough for the people around them.  This could easily have been a phone call rather than a FB posting.  Or a casual mention in a letter (if we want to go old-school.)

The more conditions you place on something, the harder it is for people to comply.  Especially if those conditions make the other people go "whaaa?"

The "cake and eat it too" was exactly the phrase that came to mind when I was thinking about how to explain this.

And yes, as kherbet said, the breakfast tacos are a kind of breakfast burrito, and the taco is made from scratch. It doesn't take more than a half hour more to wait for the food to be ready at this place.

Balletmom

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #14 on: October 02, 2011, 09:15:30 PM »
I think you have to remove your parents from the equation and just make your own plans to see these extended relatives.


Don't expect anything from them and stop trying to make them rise up to normal standards only to fail.


I would just accept the fact they have their own lives and intend to live it that way.


All these stories you posted and this one, just shows it over and over again.

Exactly. I think the fact that it was breakfast tacos just tipped the scale.