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Author Topic: Why My Parents Hate Facebook  (Read 17336 times)

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TurtleDove

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #30 on: October 03, 2011, 09:07:44 AM »
I can see their point about facebook, if this is what happens. They do something innocuous like visit their niece/nephew, and next thing you know their daughter is upset about breakfast tacos.

Yeah, I am having a hard time understanding this situation.  OP, just make your own arrangements and don't rely on your parents.  And buy your own breakfast tacos for crying out loud! :)

TurtleDove

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #31 on: October 03, 2011, 09:08:14 AM »
Do adults really make arrangement through their parents to see people? If I want to see someone, I contact them myself, not wait for someone else to do it. Why are your parents to blame for your cousin not visiting you? If your cousins wanted to see you, I would imagine that they would have contacted you.

This.

Snooks

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #32 on: October 03, 2011, 09:16:09 AM »
Do adults really make arrangement through their parents to see people? If I want to see someone, I contact them myself, not wait for someone else to do it. Why are your parents to blame for your cousin not visiting you? If your cousins wanted to see you, I would imagine that they would have contacted you.

I do.  I wouldn't necessarily see my cousins on my own but it's nice to drop over for an hour or so if they're visiting my parents.  Similarly with DH's family we only ever arrange to see his gran and count on word to spread to his auntie who lives two doors down and her daughter who lives nearby.  On the flip side no-one's offended if we don't see the person who the plans weren't made with.

TurtleDove

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #33 on: October 03, 2011, 09:25:29 AM »
Do adults really make arrangement through their parents to see people? If I want to see someone, I contact them myself, not wait for someone else to do it. Why are your parents to blame for your cousin not visiting you? If your cousins wanted to see you, I would imagine that they would have contacted you.

I do.  I wouldn't necessarily see my cousins on my own but it's nice to drop over for an hour or so if they're visiting my parents.  Similarly with DH's family we only ever arrange to see his gran and count on word to spread to his auntie who lives two doors down and her daughter who lives nearby.  On the flip side no-one's offended if we don't see the person who the plans weren't made with.

I think what I am struggling to understand is why the cousins would not contact you directly if they are in town.  It would never occur to me to expect my parents to manage my relationships as an adult.

Snooks

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #34 on: October 03, 2011, 09:32:59 AM »
Do adults really make arrangement through their parents to see people? If I want to see someone, I contact them myself, not wait for someone else to do it. Why are your parents to blame for your cousin not visiting you? If your cousins wanted to see you, I would imagine that they would have contacted you.

I do.  I wouldn't necessarily see my cousins on my own but it's nice to drop over for an hour or so if they're visiting my parents.  Similarly with DH's family we only ever arrange to see his gran and count on word to spread to his auntie who lives two doors down and her daughter who lives nearby.  On the flip side no-one's offended if we don't see the person who the plans weren't made with.

I think what I am struggling to understand is why the cousins would not contact you directly if they are in town.  It would never occur to me to expect my parents to manage my relationships as an adult.

Because they're coming to visit my parents.  They're only here for an afternoon/evening rather than being "in town".

TurtleDove

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #35 on: October 03, 2011, 09:36:17 AM »
Because they're coming to visit my parents.  They're only here for an afternoon/evening rather than being "in town".

I am still not following why it would be up to your parents to alert you and not the cousins.  I wouldn't think it was wrong if your parents said, "hey, cousins are coming over, why don't you come over too!"  But if they didn't I would not be upset with them - as you say here, the cousins were not coming to visit you or they would have contacted you directly.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2011, 09:38:32 AM by TurtleDove »

Lisbeth

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #36 on: October 03, 2011, 09:40:01 AM »
I think you have to remove your parents from the equation and just make your own plans to see these extended relatives.

Don't expect anything from them and stop trying to make them rise up to normal standards only to fail.

I would just accept the fact they have their own lives and intend to live it that way.

All these stories you posted and this one, just shows it over and over again.

I agree.  I think that being angry with your parents because they don't include you in their visits to other relatives is counterproductive.  I'd just establish your own relationships with your family members that are independent of your parents.   

I have similar problems with my parents and relationships with their relatives, as I've pointed out in another thread, although mine are kind of the opposite of yours.  My parents want me to have relationships with their relatives based on their own relationships with them, whereas I have no day-to-day relationships with them other than Facebook that don't involve my parents.  So I think that if you and your sister want to visit with and do other things with relatives, you need to not expect that a big family visit with everyone present will take place when they are around.
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Snooks

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #37 on: October 03, 2011, 10:05:49 AM »
Because they're coming to visit my parents.  They're only here for an afternoon/evening rather than being "in town".

I am still not following why it would be up to your parents to alert you and not the cousins.  I wouldn't think it was wrong if your parents said, "hey, cousins are coming over, why don't you come over too!"  But if they didn't I would not be upset with them - as you say here, the cousins were not coming to visit you or they would have contacted you directly.

Because if my cousins told me then they'd effectively be inviting me to something I was not included in - isn't that rude?  Unless you're suggesting my cousins come to my house as well as my parents.  I don't want to derail the thread I was just pointing out that in my family (and DH's) it's quite common to rely on your parents to arrange visits with extended family.

Lisbeth

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #38 on: October 03, 2011, 10:27:49 AM »
Because they're coming to visit my parents.  They're only here for an afternoon/evening rather than being "in town".

I am still not following why it would be up to your parents to alert you and not the cousins.  I wouldn't think it was wrong if your parents said, "hey, cousins are coming over, why don't you come over too!"  But if they didn't I would not be upset with them - as you say here, the cousins were not coming to visit you or they would have contacted you directly.

Because if my cousins told me then they'd effectively be inviting me to something I was not included in - isn't that rude?  Unless you're suggesting my cousins come to my house as well as my parents.  I don't want to derail the thread I was just pointing out that in my family (and DH's) it's quite common to rely on your parents to arrange visits with extended family.

It sounds like despite being common in your families, it's not a good idea to rely on parents rather than making one's own arrangements to do this, because the consequences can be ugly.
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Judah

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #39 on: October 03, 2011, 10:43:29 AM »
Your parents should be able to see whomever they like without consulting you or their sister or anyone else. Just because you asked them to let you know next time the cousins are in town doesn't make them obligated to do so. They are allowed one on one time with relatives, and don't need to include anyone else. You are obviously in touch with your cousin directly via facebook, so there's no reason that you can't make your own plans with them. If you were to make plans to visit with your cousins would you also include your parents? every time?

I can see their point about facebook, if this is what happens. They do something innocuous like visit their niece/nephew, and next thing you know their daughter is upset about breakfast tacos.

I have to agree.  I understand why their behavior is hurtful to you, Balletmom, especially considering the breakfast tacos.  I totally understand where you're coming from there, but people are entitled to visit whomever they want without having to include people they don't want to see.  Not a good relationship move, but not rude.  If you want to have a relationship with your extended family, it's up to you to forge that relationship.
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Snooks

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #40 on: October 03, 2011, 10:47:56 AM »
Because they're coming to visit my parents.  They're only here for an afternoon/evening rather than being "in town".

I am still not following why it would be up to your parents to alert you and not the cousins.  I wouldn't think it was wrong if your parents said, "hey, cousins are coming over, why don't you come over too!"  But if they didn't I would not be upset with them - as you say here, the cousins were not coming to visit you or they would have contacted you directly.

Because if my cousins told me then they'd effectively be inviting me to something I was not included in - isn't that rude?  Unless you're suggesting my cousins come to my house as well as my parents.  I don't want to derail the thread I was just pointing out that in my family (and DH's) it's quite common to rely on your parents to arrange visits with extended family.

It sounds like despite being common in your families, it's not a good idea to rely on parents rather than making one's own arrangements to do this, because the consequences can be ugly.

I've just had one of those really stupid smack yourself in the head understandings regarding this.  Essentially I'm agreeing with everyone else, if I really wanted to see my cousins/DH's aunt/cousins we'd make arrangements directly with them.  As it is we're not bothered so it's nice to be told they're in the area/rely on DH's gran to pass the message on to the others.

heartmug

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #41 on: October 03, 2011, 11:12:37 AM »
They sound a lot like my brother and sister-in-law!  They rail against facebook.  "So not personal.  It is the end of face-to-face conversations."  What they also don't like is how much I now know about their family via their 2 kids.  Like when their son was playing in a football tournament/play off last year and they were five miles away from us (they live 60 miles from us) nd only invited my sister and brother-in-law.  Their excuse.  "It was a crazy day and we didn't have time."  Really?  To send a text at least?

So like others have suggested, I make family plans independent of them.  I met with our other brother and his wife, who live about 30 miles south of us, to have dinner at a new restaurant for my brother's and my husband's birthdays.  They in turn invited us to their house afterwards for cake and that SIL asked me "Are we going to invite other brother and SIL?"  I said your house, your call.   She did, but other siblings didn't like that they weren't invited from the start.

As I see it, except for major holidays, it is so much easier to get together with relatives one on one.  Too many crazy schedules and hurt feelings.  I am an adult, I contact them directly.
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fountainof

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #42 on: October 03, 2011, 11:14:44 AM »
It is kind of hard to completely understand the situation but from what I get I think it is fine that the parents didn't notify the OP of their breakfast with the cousins.  What I would do is say to the cousins "next time you are to be in town let me know, we can always meet for a quick coffee on your way in or out if you have plans with someone else".  No need to go to the parents house, you could have meet the cousins for 1/2 hour after the parent's house.

I do find it odd that they would travel some where near their grandkids and not visit.  I would hope that the aunt/daughter houses aren't hours and hours away and that they still get out to see the grandkids often.  If they only get to the aunt/daughter area once or twice a year I would be completely hurt if I were the sister and my parents didn't want to visit the grandkids.

Now the getting upset when a comment is made about hearing some news through the grapevine (whether that be facebook or a phone call) that is childish.  People talk and will mention the seeing the parents, no harm no foul, I find trying to keep such things secret really odd to be honest.

ETA:
Quote
I get frustrated when I put rather important news (i.e., my mother's passing) and get condolences from my friends but absolutely nothing from my in-laws. I realize they may not be on FB a lot and they may not even see my notice but nothing? Ever???
Do people really consider a FB post providing news?  I guess because I don't use FB I cannot imagine telling important news to important relatives through FB, I would call them or email them directly.  If it was something timely like a death that they may wish to attend the services I would for sure call them.  If the relationship is so removed you never speak to your ILs then the condolences don't matter really do they?  If we have no relationship with people in regular life then there would remain no relationship at happy/sad events either.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2011, 11:28:55 AM by fountainof »

Hijinks

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #43 on: October 03, 2011, 11:30:19 AM »
When I was 20ish, I moved to an area where all of my dad's family lived.  It turned into a situation where aunts/uncles/cousins/grandma would tell my dad that I was invited somewhere, but he wouldn't pass it on to me because he assumed they invited me separately.

IIWM in this situation, I would arrange everything on FB and when the parents raised a kerfluffle, I'd put on an innocent face and be all like, "oh, we did it through FB, but you're not on there.  Maybe join up?  It's free!"

#borecore

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Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #44 on: October 03, 2011, 11:34:36 AM »
I know it's kind of rough, but isn't it possible you weren't invited because neither cousin nor parents wanted you there? As in, they wanted to just meet up on their own, and maybe they will include you another time when they do want you along? And Facebook actually DID compound a situation that didn't need to be complicated?


Also, even really, really, good breakfast tacos are usually in the $1-$4 range. Maybe $5 if they're so terrific and humongous you won't need to eat anything else all day, but I can't recall ever having seen that. I say be the bigger person and blow $20 to feed your whole family fresh tacos of their choice, rather than ones picked out by your parents and carted across town.

(I <3 breakfast tacos, by the way. Potato egg and cheese, please. Or migas. Or fried avocado. Or ... )