News:

  • February 19, 2018, 10:03:01 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Why My Parents Hate Facebook  (Read 17343 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Bibliophile

  • May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.
  • Member
  • Posts: 11775
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #60 on: October 04, 2011, 09:21:35 AM »
My cousin probably assumes that my parents will pass on the info about her coming to town to the rest of us. It's what both sides of the family would normally do. The feedback I've received from both sides is that everyone assumes Mom told me and we were just busy. In the situation with the "mini family reunion" my aunt was horrified to find out that my parents kept their visit secret from Sis.

If you know your parents are like this, then deal directly with your relatives.   If you want them to visit you, talk with them, not your parents.  In our family we make plans with the people we want to visit - since we've become adults, we no longer do planning through the parents unless the parents are hosting an event.

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.” ~ Groucho Marx

Balletmom

  • Member
  • Posts: 6850
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #61 on: October 04, 2011, 07:34:16 PM »
I definitely agree that's it better to just deal from now on, directly with my cousins or other relatives.

Weird thing is, my mother is very willing to act as Social Director for my brothers. A few years ago, I had to tell my brother directly that he needed to talk to me rather than issue invitations through mom. He was really upset that we had made other plans for a Sunday brunch at his new house. His answer? "I didn't really want to invite you anyway!"

So it took awhile for me to catch on that while my mother was more than willing to be cruise director for my brother, she would never, ever invite me to anything with my cousins. She would never mention these events, unless it was impossible for me to attend after the fact, and then only rarely. And as well, she'd complain about This Cousin or That Cousin--so I didn't really understand what was going on.

If my parents want to bring breakfast tacos to my cousin, great. Cousin is hardworking, talented, and it's nice for her to get this, because my parents certainly haven't always been this way to her.






Lisbeth

  • I am a rock, I am an island
  • Member
  • Posts: 29273
  • a/k/a KeenReader
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #62 on: October 04, 2011, 09:15:55 PM »
Having grandparents at all is a blessing.

There are quite a few here who would disagree with that sentiment.  That's like telling someone who has an abscessed tooth that they should be grateful they have a tooth.   Not all grandparents are blessings and there are many people whose lives are far better for not having their grandparents around.

Well, if all your grandparents die before you get a chance to know them, it's more like a toothless person telling someone who has an abscessed tooth that they should be grateful they have teeth.

I may be wrong, but I understood apple to be saying that having grandparents who are still alive is a blessing. And it is. It's better than having them dead. At least you get a chance to attempt a relationship with them and decide for yourself whether it's worth having them around.

If the grandparents have toxic personalities, the fact that they are grandparents does not make it better that they are alive than that they would not be if they were deceased.

Let's not generalize.  Having living grandparents is not always a blessing.  If when my grandparents were alive, they hated me or were totally indifferent to me, I would not consider their being alive in any way a "blessing."
I'm away from sanity right now...please leave a message after the beep.
NYC

Spoder

  • Member
  • Posts: 3572
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #63 on: October 04, 2011, 09:36:51 PM »
Having grandparents at all is a blessing.

There are quite a few here who would disagree with that sentiment.  That's like telling someone who has an abscessed tooth that they should be grateful they have a tooth.   Not all grandparents are blessings and there are many people whose lives are far better for not having their grandparents around.

Well, if all your grandparents die before you get a chance to know them, it's more like a toothless person telling someone who has an abscessed tooth that they should be grateful they have teeth.

I may be wrong, but I understood apple to be saying that having grandparents who are still alive is a blessing. And it is. It's better than having them dead. At least you get a chance to attempt a relationship with them and decide for yourself whether it's worth having them around.

If the grandparents have toxic personalities, the fact that they are grandparents does not make it better that they are alive than that they would not be if they were deceased.

Let's not generalize.  Having living grandparents is not always a blessing.  If when my grandparents were alive, they hated me or were totally indifferent to me, I would not consider their being alive in any way a "blessing."

I'm not generalizing, I'm stating an opinion. My opinion is that a person who gets to meet their grandparents, and then write them off if they are horrible people, is more fortunate than a person whose grandparents were all dead before that person's birth.

Let's agree to disagreee.

Minmom3

  • Member
  • Posts: 2748
  • Life moves onward and upward
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #64 on: October 04, 2011, 10:08:29 PM »
Not necessarily!  It depends on the experiences that caused the cut off.   Some people can behave so horrifically, and cause so much pain and disruption that their presence in the family is in no way a blessing.  Sometimes they just Won't Go Away, either, so it's not possible for their victims to avoid them.  There are wonderful grandparents who are painfully missed by all who knew and loved them.  There are malevolent grandparents whose families pretty much count the days until they're gone...  Telling somebody who has suffered from the nasty kind that they were blessed to have had them discounts the validity of their experience, just as somebody who denies that anybody could love their grandparents enough to miss them for 20+ years after they are dead is being dismissive of the positive experience.
Double MIL now; not yet a Grandma.  Owner of Lard Butt Noelle, kitteh extraordinaire!

Lisbeth

  • I am a rock, I am an island
  • Member
  • Posts: 29273
  • a/k/a KeenReader
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #65 on: October 04, 2011, 10:19:07 PM »
Having grandparents at all is a blessing.

There are quite a few here who would disagree with that sentiment.  That's like telling someone who has an abscessed tooth that they should be grateful they have a tooth.   Not all grandparents are blessings and there are many people whose lives are far better for not having their grandparents around.

Well, if all your grandparents die before you get a chance to know them, it's more like a toothless person telling someone who has an abscessed tooth that they should be grateful they have teeth.

I may be wrong, but I understood apple to be saying that having grandparents who are still alive is a blessing. And it is. It's better than having them dead. At least you get a chance to attempt a relationship with them and decide for yourself whether it's worth having them around.

If the grandparents have toxic personalities, the fact that they are grandparents does not make it better that they are alive than that they would not be if they were deceased.

Let's not generalize.  Having living grandparents is not always a blessing.  If when my grandparents were alive, they hated me or were totally indifferent to me, I would not consider their being alive in any way a "blessing."

I'm not generalizing, I'm stating an opinion. My opinion is that a person who gets to meet their grandparents, and then write them off if they are horrible people, is more fortunate than a person whose grandparents were all dead before that person's birth.

Let's agree to disagreee.

Nope.  I think that having grandparents who are toxic or indifferent automatically are not a blessing simply because they are alive.  Anybody would make the decision that relationships with such people are not worth having merely because they are alive-the fact that they are grandparents does not exempt them.
I'm away from sanity right now...please leave a message after the beep.
NYC

Bibliophile

  • May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.
  • Member
  • Posts: 11775
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #66 on: October 05, 2011, 11:16:05 AM »
It's kind of like that saying "better to have loved and lost than never loved at all," but applied to family.

I never understood that thinking.  So you love someone who didn't deserve to be loved, but at least you got to feel emotionally drained?  It seems to me that there are some people who haven't experienced seriously toxic relatives in their lives and aren't able to grasp that sometimes, it's really not better to have had the experience of meeting that person.   I have quite a number of friends who just don't get how I can cut my father out of my life because nothing in their own lives has prepared them for such a reaction.  It doesn't do me any good to waste my breath trying to explain it.  I'm not going to argue with someone who doesn't get it, because, in all honesty, I would LOVE to be one of those people.  Not getting it isn't a bad thing.

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.” ~ Groucho Marx

Spoder

  • Member
  • Posts: 3572
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #67 on: October 05, 2011, 11:25:52 AM »
It's kind of like that saying "better to have loved and lost than never loved at all," but applied to family.

I never understood that thinking. So you love someone who didn't deserve to be loved, but at least you got to feel emotionally drained?  It seems to me that there are some people who haven't experienced seriously toxic relatives in their lives and aren't able to grasp that sometimes, it's really not better to have had the experience of meeting that person.   I have quite a number of friends who just don't get how I can cut my father out of my life because nothing in their own lives has prepared them for such a reaction.  It doesn't do me any good to waste my breath trying to explain it.  I'm not going to argue with someone who doesn't get it, because, in all honesty, I would LOVE to be one of those people.  Not getting it isn't a bad thing.

Re: the bolded - no, it's not that. It's that at least you got to find out for yourself, and *then* reject them if they're toxic. Electric Ballroom Love explained it perfectly, I thought.

But if someone meets a relative and then *does* cut them out of their life, of course others should respect that. Unlike your friends, I have no problem understanding that at all.

Bibliophile

  • May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.
  • Member
  • Posts: 11775
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #68 on: October 05, 2011, 11:27:54 AM »
It's kind of like that saying "better to have loved and lost than never loved at all," but applied to family.

I never understood that thinking. So you love someone who didn't deserve to be loved, but at least you got to feel emotionally drained?  It seems to me that there are some people who haven't experienced seriously toxic relatives in their lives and aren't able to grasp that sometimes, it's really not better to have had the experience of meeting that person.   I have quite a number of friends who just don't get how I can cut my father out of my life because nothing in their own lives has prepared them for such a reaction.  It doesn't do me any good to waste my breath trying to explain it.  I'm not going to argue with someone who doesn't get it, because, in all honesty, I would LOVE to be one of those people.  Not getting it isn't a bad thing.

Re: the bolded - no, it's not that. It's that at least you got to find out for yourself, and *then* reject them if they're toxic. Electric Ballroom Love explained it perfectly, I thought.

But if someone meets a relative and then *does* cut them out of their life, of course others should respect that. Unlike your friends, I have no problem understanding that at all.

It's like I stated above - if you haven't been in the toxic relationship, you're not going to get that sometimes it is better to have never met the person.  Deciding for yourself is highly overrated.

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.” ~ Groucho Marx

Twik

  • Member
  • Posts: 28969
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #69 on: October 05, 2011, 11:36:28 AM »
Kind of depends on how toxic they are. I'd say you would be more fortunate to have lost your grandparents before birth than to have been molested by living ones.
"The sky's the limit. Your sky. Your limit. Now, let's dance!"

Sophia

  • Member
  • Posts: 12441
  • xi
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #70 on: October 05, 2011, 01:22:08 PM »
I don't think it even has to be that bad for it to be a better thing to have never known them. 

Thought going through my head many times as a child/teenager, "How horrible I must be that even my Grandparents don't love me?"

Balletmom

  • Member
  • Posts: 6850
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #71 on: October 05, 2011, 06:00:17 PM »
Kind of depends on how toxic they are. I'd say you would be more fortunate to have lost your grandparents before birth than to have been molested by living ones.

And the prize goes to Twik, with Sophia a close runner up!

I did talk to my mother today. She seems to be mellowing a bit on the whole Facebook thing. She said that Cousin told her that she keeps up with me via Facebook, so that was nice. Perhaps she's growing more accustomed to being a digital immigrant.  ;D

Also, she didn't forget ODD's birthday, which she's done in the past, so I was grateful.


redberry

  • Member
  • Posts: 81
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #72 on: October 05, 2011, 06:33:11 PM »
My mother feels threatened by my sister and I having a good relationship. I have two daughters, so I do understand the "ganging up on Mom" feeling, but in the long run, I'd rather they have each other than be at war with each other.

Your siblings are the only influences in your life who are there cradle to grave. Developmental research has done a back flip on the position that parents and teachers are the major contributors to development of our personality and ego and has focussed more on our relationships with siblings as the major informant. Its sad that a parent doesn't encourage a strong relationship between siblings because of their own insecurities, because there is likely to be a time when the parent won't be alive and the sibling will be so important.

Balletmom

  • Member
  • Posts: 6850
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #73 on: October 05, 2011, 07:13:27 PM »

Your siblings are the only influences in your life who are there cradle to grave. Developmental research has done a back flip on the position that parents and teachers are the major contributors to development of our personality and ego and has focussed more on our relationships with siblings as the major informant. Its sad that a parent doesn't encourage a strong relationship between siblings because of their own insecurities, because there is likely to be a time when the parent won't be alive and the sibling will be so important.

I feel sad sometimes that my parents didn't recognize and nurture the relationship between my siblings and myself. I know they were following the model of their own experience, but it still makes me sad.

And it infuriates me that they now expect all of us to drop everything and show up for family events just to be together, so they can be reassured with "everyone" there.


Nuala

  • Member
  • Posts: 2309
Re: Why My Parents Hate Facebook
« Reply #74 on: October 06, 2011, 11:36:54 AM »
And it infuriates me that they now expect all of us to drop everything and show up for family events just to be together, so they can be reassured with "everyone" there.

It seems that your parents don't think of you children as real people, but as props in their own life.  When you all are useful to them, they expect you to be there, but when you wouldn't add something to their experience (or take some attention off them), you guys are thrust into the metaphorical prop closet.

Bringing breakfast to their nieces and nephews makes them look good, and the rest of the family imagines that they are even more generous and loving to their daughters and sons. 

I don't blame you for feeling bad about this.