I think my grandmother has gone crazy

[cmoonchild]

Hi all --

New to the EHell forums. I needed to post this.

My mom's family tends to put much too much emphasis on Christmas gifts. They've complained in the past about the size of gifts (too small) or that I didn't send a card, etc. My husband and my solution has been to give my grandmother and two aunts small (under $20) gifts as tokens so there isn't a game of who loves whom more by the price tag as a gift.

This year, I gave my grandmother and two aunts coffee sets topped with a Christmas ornament that reflected their unique tastes. My two aunts were clearly happy with their gifts; my grandmother, on the other hand, didn't say much.

I came home yesterday to this note:

Dear (my name) and (my husband's name) --

I just want to thank you for my $10 Christmas gift from you both. $5 each!
I feel hurt and offended and now I know how you really feel about me.

-- Your grandmother 

My grandmother, who is 83, lives in a two-room studio apartment in elderly housing. I purposely gave her something she could use up and that would not take up space in her apartment. My brother gave her a scarf and glove set and got a similar note, with the last line saying something about loving her so little that she got so little. I joke about her going crazy in my title, but I don't think she has lost her marbles. She just attaches way too much importance to gifts.

My husband is ready to kill her, and I'm completely ticked off. How do we handle this? We've already decided no gifts next year.

[Rose2Bear]

That is definetly uncalled for and not nice.  A gift is a gift, and it does sound like you put care and thought behind this gift, the price is irrelevant anyways.

Becasue of her age though... maybe there is something else wrong? Maybe she is depressed or as you said "loosing her marbles?" I say this because I have an elderly relative who, in older age, sometimes says rude, cranky things with out thinking, its as though this person's ability to censor their thoughts is sometimes lacking... maybe this was a moment like that?   

If not, it just shows a very strange attachment to gifts and her behavior was not nice nor should it be tolerated.

[MsEva]

She was so out of line. Are you near Chicago? We could introduce her to my 87 yo FIL. I think they would be perfect for each other. 

Seriously, if you think she still has her faculties she probably is just feeling that age is an excuse to say what's on her mind. Is she lonely? Maybe she feels more that you and your brother don't spend enough time with her and she's hurt. Sometimes expressing anger is easier than expressing the "needier" feelings like sadness or lonliness.

[freakyfemme]

Old or not, that's rude.  If I got a cute scarf and glove set for Christmas, I'd thank the person who gave it to me, and not throw a tantrum.  I

[Verruca]

Next year you shouldn't give her anything.  That way you can tell her that you feel she's "priceless."

(Edited to add some actually helpful thoughts...)

I don't know if you're crafty, but if you are, would it be worth it to you to make something for her next year instead?  Or write her a letter, or put together a photo album or a family memory book for her?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this - it's mortifying to have the best intentions interpreted so meanly.

[IndianInlaw]

"You're welcome"

[Venus193]

I wouldn't take the trouble to make a gift for anyone like this, nor even buy one after a reaction like that.  Age is no excuse for rudeness.

[Slartibartfast]

"I'm sorry our gift didn't meet your standards this year.  Next year, we won't cheapen you with a gift, but you will be in our thoughts."

[Chocolate Cake]

It could just be the whole "entitlement" phase some people feel they have the right to embrace in their senior years OR it could be a symptom of the onset of Alzheimers (personality changes -- sometimes gradual, sometimes immediate -- are a tell-tale sign of this disease).

[Clearbrite]

A gift is a gift,and even if it not liked or appreciated by the receiver,a Thank You should be said,and left as that.
Once they are on their own again they can throw it in the bin if they feel like they must,but a gift is always given because you want to,not as an expectation or entitlement.

Something along that old saying about 'It's not the gift,but the thought that counts'

[ehellion]

Hi all

 

I came home yesterday to this note:

Dear (my name) and (my husband's name) --

I just want to thank you for my $10 Christmas gift from you both. $5 each!
I feel hurt and offended and now I know how you really feel about me.

-- Your grandmother 
 

I had to snicker before I shared my story with you. *sarcasm on* First of all, be thankful you received a (NOT!) polite note. Second of all, how DARE you show your lack of love by buying an inexpensive token gift. Especially to end a "game" in a (from what I gather) somewhat toxic family. There's NO excuse, lol.

One year I bought my MIL a beautiful set of CZ earrings that I thought she'd love. She was COMPLETELY in love with the $40 earrings until Dh slipped up and told her that, though they were worth $40, I am in a club and am a preffered customer and paid only (way less than $40.) As soon as she found out about that, the earrings were crap. How DARE we give her those! We don't LOVE her! We don't VALUE her! (Good Lord, I could go on.) So, we didn't get a note. We got an irate MIL calling us, telling us how we valued her so little because we didn't spend alot of money on her and we also got to listen to how she's going through so much because of her miscarriage. (Her miscarriage was 20 years before. I had miscarried the year before, with her saying "it was for the best" blah blah, blah".) Okay, I may need a trip to toxic family forums, lol. But I feel your pain. Some people are born nasty. It has nothing to do with their era necessarily. If anyone compares how much you've spent with how much you love them, well.... it's very sad.

How you handle it? Ignore it, make a grudge-list (okay maybe not. That's what I did, hehe, but it sure does make you feel better to write it all out, get mad, have a beer and then put it out of your mind.) No more gifts. One time my MIL had an epiphany(sp) after her Dad died and decided that, because he had died with so little and she had so much, materialistic things were so unimportant. Her and FIL sold everything for nothing and decided to live on their sailboat. I wish I could say it ended happily. It didn't. They decided they needed things more than ever and have become even more materialistic. Me and DH have completely cut off contact (not because of that necessarily, but there was some other things...) I'm just saying, sometimes people don't change. So she will definitely not change. All you can do is make sure she is not able to insult you any further. That means no gifts, no enabling that behavior. You and Dh stick to your guns and ignore that crap. Good luck! Sorry you had to go through that.

[Venus193]

One year I bought my MIL a beautiful set of CZ earrings that I thought she'd love. She was COMPLETELY in love with the $40 earrings until Dh slipped up and told her that, though they were worth $40, I am in a club and am a preffered customer and paid only (way less than $40.) As soon as she found out about that, the earrings were crap. How DARE we give her those! We don't LOVE her! We don't VALUE her! (Good Lord, I could go on.)

This sounds like my best friend's story about her former FIL and BIL.  They must have had a sense of entitlement similar to that, although I fail to understand how they were unwilling to consider that working in a department store enabled her to get things cost-effectively.

[Brentwood]

I will never understand people who place such a value on the *cost* of the gift. Sometimes I think the best gifts are the lower cost ones, because it often requires more creativity and thoughtfulness to put together a lovely gift on a tight budget. (One year during tight times, my husband and I agreed we still wanted the fun of opening packages on Christmas, but we kept ourselves to a strict limit of $20 each - picking out fun things and keeping the bill under $20 was kind of fun!)

I would favor a strict limit for everyone - no one can spend over $25, for example. If people are going to base their own self-worth on what someone else spends for a gift, regardless of the thought put into it, then everyone should have a limit. I'm sorry your grandmother was petty and rude.

This year, my husband's grandmother gave him a $400 giftcard to Home Depot. I received a bottle of Chanel No. 5 perfume spray. Disparity in dollar value? Yes, big time. But I look at it this way - Gramma knows that my all-time favorite perfume is Chanel No. 5, and she knows it's because it reminds me of my own grandmother. She went to a specific perfume shop where she knew she could get the spray bottles I like. She put time and effort into the gift. As far as the giftcard goes, she knew that we would both benefit from the shopping spree at Home Depot, so it's not as though it were for my husband's exclusive use just because it had his name on it.

[lkdrymom]

I'm just curious, what was her gift to you?

[cmoonchild]

My grandmother gave us a $25 gift card to Home Depot. I was going to send it back to her, I was so mad, but I decided not to play into her drama madness.