I think my grandmother has gone crazy

[Chartreuse]

My grandmother gave us a $25 gift card to Home Depot. I was going to send it back to her, I was so mad, but I decided not to play into her drama madness.

Ha!  So she's upset that she's "worth $5 to you", but you're only worth $12.50? 

I suspect that even if you'd gone overboard, she'd have found something else to complain about (it takes up too much room, I don't like the color, etc, etc, etc).  Good work on being the adult in this relationship.  You'd think some people would figure it out by the time they're elderly, but I guess not.

[ettacat]

Hi all --

New to the EHell forums. I needed to post this.

My mom's family tends to put much too much emphasis on Christmas gifts. They've complained in the past about the size of gifts (too small) or that I didn't send a card, etc. My husband and my solution has been to give my grandmother and two aunts small (under $20) gifts as tokens so there isn't a game of who loves whom more by the price tag as a gift.

This year, I gave my grandmother and two aunts coffee sets topped with a Christmas ornament that reflected their unique tastes. My two aunts were clearly happy with their gifts; my grandmother, on the other hand, didn't say much.

I came home yesterday to this note:

Dear (my name) and (my husband's name) --

I just want to thank you for my $10 Christmas gift from you both. $5 each!
I feel hurt and offended and now I know how you really feel about me.

-- Your grandmother 

My grandmother, who is 83, lives in a two-room studio apartment in elderly housing. I purposely gave her something she could use up and that would not take up space in her apartment. My brother gave her a scarf and glove set and got a similar note, with the last line saying something about loving her so little that she got so little. I joke about her going crazy in my title, but I don't think she has lost her marbles. She just attaches way too much importance to gifts.

My husband is ready to kill her, and I'm completely ticked off. How do we handle this? We've already decided no gifts next year.

Unless she has some condition affecting her mind, I would simply not bother sending her gifts anymore. And if she does have something wrong with her, someone needs to supervise her better so she doesn't keep sending out letters that she wouldn't normally intend to write anyway.

[djinnidjream]

I think maybe you should approach your parents to see if they are of the opinion that something is wrong with Grandma.  If everyone feels she's ok, don't buy her anything anymore.

[Lisbeth]

Welcome to the Ehell forum!

Your story hurts just to read about.

As others have suggested, I'd find out if anything is wrong with your grandmother's mind.  If not, I'd throw the note away and not give her gifts in the future.  I'm sure she'll complain about that, but it sounds to me as though she is just looking for something to complain about.  The only way to win in that situation is to ignore the complaints.

If she is beginning to exhibit mental difficulties, then the note you got may have been from her mental problems and not from her true personality (unless she's been like this all along).

[kckgirl]

My grandmother gave us a $25 gift card to Home Depot. I was going to send it back to her, I was so mad, but I decided not to play into her drama madness.

I would check to see if you can get the expiration date extended and give it back to grandma next year. But that's just me. 

[Tabris]

If you could afford it, I would suggest next year sending her a blank check and asking her to decide how much she's worth to you.

[Venus193]

A blank check?  That's way too risky.   

[freakyfemme]

On second thought.....it sounds like your grandma is lonely.  Maybe she'd prefer a "doing" gift as opposed to a material thing.  She might really like it if you and your husband took her out to dinner or to a play or something, or even an outing that doesn't cost anything (like a nice walk in the park, if she's up to it, and then back to your place for hot chocolate afterwards), because she won't fixate on a dollar amount, she'll just be happy that you cared enough to spend time with her.

[Balletmom]

Oh what a horrible response....

That said, given her age, and the very high probability of depression in elderly people, it might be kindest to give her a second chance.

"Grandma, you sounded very hurt about our gift, and I hate that you felt that way. We did not mean for you to feel badly. How about we come take you to lunch/dinner/brunch and enjoy a nice time out together?"

It's not an apology, but she could be having emotional/mental issues from either physical issues (dementia, which includes but is not limited to Alzheimer's) or medication side effects.

At her age you really are not going to be having many more opportunities for her to be snarky.

My elderly aunt who passed away last spring could be quite rude when she wasn't feeling well. She snapped at another resident of her facility horribly once, and then cried later over it.

Perhaps it is time to treat her as you would a very small child...with extra patience that she is perhaps overwhelmed with many issues.

The rest of the family, of course, gets no such pass/excuse. 

[ZipTheWonder]

I would not EVEN respond to this.  If she's unwell, then you haven't done anything offensive.  If she's not, then you haven't even acknowedledged the fact that her behavior is FAR more egregious than yours.

[Sirius]

It could just be the whole "entitlement" phase some people feel they have the right to embrace in their senior years OR it could be a symptom of the onset of Alzheimers (personality changes -- sometimes gradual, sometimes immediate -- are a tell-tale sign of this disease).

This sounds so much like my dad.  He gets upset that no one ever writes to him or calls him...but when I've tried, he never writes back or answers the phone.  Then, if I do get in contact with him, he invariably hollers at me for something that happened ten years ago, or something one of my sibs did or didn't do.  I got so tired of that I don't even feel like trying anymore.  I think your grandmother was very rude, and when it gets to the point that nothing you can give will please them, stop trying.

[madmusician]

OT, but my grandma did something similar. Last year I had a calendar made for her with photos of the grandkids. This year due to strep throat and a blizzard I couldn't get the calendar ordered in time. So I got her a nice inspirational calendar (she has an obsession with calendars) and some coasters that you can put photos in. She didn't look at me and barely said thank you when I gave them to her. A week later she left to visit some relatives and told me that she *expects* me to have the photo calendar made while she's gone. So I joked to my mom that, fine, I would go into her house, remove the presents I got her, take them back, and use the money to get her the new calendar--and use the remainder of the money to buy myself some chocolate for having to put up with her.

Of course, in reality, I'm NOT going to get her a NEW calendar. Some people think that because they're old, they have the right to do whatever the..eh, heck..they please. And also that they're entitled to get whatever they want. This is probably the case with your grandma.

Best of luck!

[MineralDiva]

Holy kielbasa!  How rude! 

My ex's grandmother used to do that with cards.  Birthday, Christmas, get well...whatever.  She'd always turn them over and look at the price on the back.  If the card cost less than she thought it should, there would always be a snarky comment...no matter how long it took me to find one with just the right sentiment inside for her.

So I decided to black out the price on the back, before putting it in the envelope, so she couldn't determine the value of the sentiment by the price on the card.  Used to drive her buggy!  And made me smile, every time she turned a card of ours over to check the price and comment about it!

[Tabris]

Okay, pricing the greeting cards is just beyond the pale.

"Haulmark: When you care enough to send the most expensive."

I like your response, though. 

[cheyne]

What an awful note!  You didn't say in your post whether this type of behavior was normal for your Grandmother.  If she has always been this way, I wouldn't buy her any more presents either.  However, if this is the only incident, I would seriously look into her health issues.  She could be on medications that cause her to react this way, or maybe have early dementia/alzheimer symptoms....