Author Topic: I need advice. and a hug...and maybe a valuim  (Read 5886 times)

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Sibby

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Re: I need advice. and a hug...and maybe a valuim
« Reply #15 on: July 25, 2007, 12:20:17 PM »
Defiantely tell your dad "tell her or i will".

Then tell your FIL that you do NOT want to know anymore about it and please refrain from involving you in any discussion about it. 

Bottom line your parents relationship with each other is theirs and theirs alone and you are part of their lives & their family but not part of their marriage as a couple.  And you deserve to be left out of that.  The relationship between a husband and wife is very separate from the relationship between a parent & child and for good reason.  Do not let your parents drag you into the middle either.

Bethalize

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Re: I need advice. and a hug...and maybe a valuim
« Reply #16 on: July 25, 2007, 12:40:13 PM »
What the heck am I supposed to do? Wait for my Mom to find out some other way? I don't know for sure whats going on, except for what my FIL said and he lacks credibility at times (but since the whole thing that happened in April...) Do I tell my Mother, do I wait it out and mind my own business??

When there is a decision as to whether to tell or not we waiver because we are reluctant to cause pain. In this situation it is not you who is the one causing the hurt so take your courage in both hands and tell your mother. You can't protect her from hurt, but you help her by bring this situation to a head.

The 'I won't do it again' defence only works once IMO.

scooter2071

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Re: I need advice. and a hug...and maybe a valuim
« Reply #17 on: July 25, 2007, 12:45:15 PM »
I'm stalling. I should've said something to my Dad, like, yesterday. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for...some other confirmation I think...

jais

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Re: I need advice. and a hug...and maybe a valuim
« Reply #18 on: July 25, 2007, 04:34:10 PM »
I'm stalling. I should've said something to my Dad, like, yesterday. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for...some other confirmation I think...

Scooter~
I think you should just do it.  I so wish I had, but I really had no clue ( I was 18 and really thought my dad was just friends with this woman) 6 months later, after the divorce from my mom was final, and my dad was marrying his 'friend', I mentioned something about the first time I'd met her.  My mom had no clue my father knew this woman before the divorce.  It put a strain on my relationship with my mother for a LONG time..... 

Sibby

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Re: I need advice. and a hug...and maybe a valuim
« Reply #19 on: July 25, 2007, 04:40:13 PM »
send me his phone number & the name of his business or a social club your mom belongs to (so i can gain feasibility as to how I know).  I'll call.  maybe having a stranger know will really scare him straight!

EtiClerk

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Re: I need advice. and a hug...and maybe a valuim
« Reply #20 on: July 25, 2007, 05:16:21 PM »
This is awful and I'm really sorry you are going through it.  The only thing I would ask you to keep in mind is that you don't have any concrete information other than other people's suspicions, so I think the only thing you can demand that your father speak to your mother about is just that, the fact that there is talk, that you have heard it, that you are upset.  Even if there is a legitimate explanation (these may be rumors left over from inappropriate behavior that has stopped since your folks entered counseling) you should still insist that he talk to your mom about the fact that the rumors exist because otherwise you feel you are hiding things from her that she has a right to know.

If you are having trouble working up to it I might try something like "Dad, this is really awkward for me but everyone at your work seems to think you are obviously having an affair with OW because they say you (list of specific behaviors).  Having this information puts me in an uncomfortable position because I don't want to interfere with you and Mom but I will not hide things from her either.  Please talk to her about whatever is going on at work that is making people think you are not being faithful before someone makes a thoughtless comment and she gets hurt.  I am not going to ask you what the truth is.  I am, however, going to ask that, after you talk to Mom, you have her let me know.  If she doesn't approach me before next Friday, when we have drinks, to tell me that you have talked to her about the situation, I will tell her what I have heard.  Whether or not you speak to her before then is entirely your decision but the fact that I WILL talk to her about it if you do not, is mine, has already been made, please don't argue."

Then let them both know you only went to them because you felt uncomfortable with the information you had, that you don't want to be involved in how they are working this out, but that you won't take sides, which is why you needed the information you had out in the open.  I would let DH and FIL know that you don't want to know anything else they hear, even though you really appreciate that they came to you with it this time, because it is too hard for you to have that sort of responsibility. 

Wish I could come up with something better but I do agree you shouldn't try to keep this to yourself, for your own sake.
"Oedipus killed his father and married his mother."
"Ack!  Who pays for THAT wedding?"
-The Simpsons

alohomora

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Re: I need advice. and a hug...and maybe a valuim
« Reply #21 on: July 25, 2007, 06:35:12 PM »
Hugs!!!  I'm so sorry that you and your family are going thru this. 

I think that you should tell your mom that you believe that your dad may still have feelings for this other woman.  Tell your mom that you love her too much to see hurt any more hurt by your father than she has been, and that you want her to know that you father may not be fully committed to trying to save the marriage. 

You could have a similar conversation with your dad.  Let him know that you think that he still has feeling for the OW and that he needs to be honest with your mother.  Pretending to work on the marriage when he's really pursuing a relationship with someone else will only cause more pain in the end. 

The one reason why I think that you should speak to your mother first is, well, she may already know/feel that your dad is still with the OW.  She may want to stay in the marriage anyway and try to move past it or overlook it.  I'm not saying that's good or healthy, just that she may want her marriage more than she wants honesty...   :( 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.  More hugs!!