Chinese restaurant etiquette

[Sharnita]

So in the scale of behavior violations, eating too many snow peas and/or passing on more tofu is a concern but being making racial comments aimed at/about uncle's BF not so much?!

If your mom was so concerned about the tofu being eaten, I suppose she could have taken more. I don't know that you were obligated to do so, however.

[ccnumber4]

I'll agree with many of the other posters here, the rude ones were your family members who made this a "mandatory" event and then didn't ensure that you would have enough to eat.  I am even willing to give UBF a pass, depending on how long he has been in the family and / or how well he knows you.  Presumably, your immediate family knows of your vegetarianism.  If your mother accepted the invitation on behalf of all of you, she should have also politely reminded Uncle or Uncle's Boyfriend, that you would need special consideration during the meal.  Freaky, I just began posting here, but have been following this board for quite some time.  I have been struck time and again by your family's refusal to consider you a fully-functioning adult with decision-making capabilities.  If I were in your shoes, there would be no "mandatory" anything.  It is YOUR choice.  Granted, you may have to do some things that you don't like for the sake of family peace, but this should not require you to do without, lower your standards or be made to feel second-class.  Just my 2 cents.     

[NotCinderell]

I am even willing to give UBF a pass, depending on how long he has been in the family and / or how well he knows you.

I am, too, because in addition to these facts, UBF, being foreign born Chinese, may not really understand what being vegetarian entails.  When you say you don't eat meat, the Chinese hear that you don't eat meat but you eat fish, shrimp, chicken broth, etc.  Even if UBF were briefed that freaky was vegetarian, he may not have understood the full extent of what that meant.  Even if he did, the restaurant staff may have not.

It's not an uncommon thing at Chinese restaurants, especially the very authentic ones, for the tofu dishes to contain ground pork as a flavor accent and still be listed as vegetarian.  You have to be very detailed in your questions to make sure you're not getting meat.

[freakyfemme]

If I were in your shoes, there would be no "mandatory" anything.  It is YOUR choice.  Granted, you may have to do some things that you don't like for the sake of family peace, but this should not require you to do without, lower your standards or be made to feel second-class.  Just my 2 cents.     

My mother's standard comeback for that line of logic is "This is NOT about you!!!  Why are you being so selfish?"

[ZipTheWonder]

Her: "Why are you being so selfish?"  <--Sounds comes out of her mouth. 
You: Blandly: "Right."  <--Sound comes out of yours, because you are responding to sound, not engaging a conversation.

I'm betting it is equally rude in Chinese culture as in western culture to call attention to the eating habits of another -- whether one notices others overeating -or- undereating.

[heathert]

2) Even if the dish is veggie, there might be animal products, like animal fats or animal-based broths used to cook it. You won't likely get someone to tell you what's in what at a mom-and-pop place. Stick to the most basic stir-frys you can find. Look for things like garlic sauce (usually garlic and a little water with cornstarch as a thickener) and soy sauce. Don't expect them to lay out every single ingredient for you. Trust me, I've seen people attempt it and they only end up really frustrated. The only "Chinese" places you should try that at are the Westernized ones, like Panda Express and P.F. Chang's (do they have either of those in Canada?). If language is an issue and if your uncle's BF speaks Chinese, then have him ask, but don't expect a detailed list, by any means.

I don't mean to hijack the thread, but how do you get a mom-and-pop place to understand that you *need* to know if certain ingredients are in the food at a buffet-style restaurant?  My partner has very bad reactions to MSG and this situation came up in which I tried emphasizing we REALLY needed to know if there were any dishes that did not have it before we could eat there.  We were told which supposively did not, but that was very much not the case.   I appreciate any suggestions you  might have and apologize for the interruption.

Heather

[heathert]

Basically, UBF extends the invitation, my parents accept for the whole family (and no, I can't decline for myself, it's apparently mandatory), UBF chooses the restaurant, then he orders the food for all of us, since the menus are written mostly in Chinese. 

Hi freaky, I don't know how old you are, but it seems like if you are 18 years of age and your parents aren't supporting you financially, you can decline for yourself.  Just contact UBF and advise you regretfully can't make it.   Another option is to let him know in advance that you would enjoy the dinner much more if he were aware of your dietary restrictions. 
***
By the way,  why do you have a problem hugging him?  Nevermind, already answered! 

Heather

[freakyfemme]

Basically, UBF extends the invitation, my parents accept for the whole family (and no, I can't decline for myself, it's apparently mandatory), UBF chooses the restaurant, then he orders the food for all of us, since the menus are written mostly in Chinese. 

Hi freaky, I don't know how old you are, but it seems like if you are 18 years of age and your parents aren't supporting you financially, you can decline for yourself.  Just contact UBF and advise you regretfully can't make it.   Another option is to let him know in advance that you would enjoy the dinner much more if he were aware of your dietary restrictions. 
***
By the way,  why do you have a problem hugging him?

Heather

Grey area here.....I'm 22, I visit home on the holidays, and I'm *partially* self-supporting, meaning I pay my living expenses, and a small portion of my school tuition, from saved-up summer job earnings, while I'm away at school, but my parents pay for the remainder of my tuition and residence fees (I wish I could be more independent, but I only make eight dollars an hour, and that's *when* I work--i.e., when I'm not at school--I had a job for the first semester of last year, but I didn't get my job back this year, although I'd been good at it, because my boss said he was "looking for new people.")  I'm sure that, were it not for my school expenses, I'd probably be able to support myself at a minimal level, but I want to do more than that, and my parents agree.....but still, I think it'd be better for everyone if I bowed out of these obligatory, all-Chinese dinners with UBF.  As for the hugging thing....UBF is little more than an acquaintance to me, we see him *maybe* once a year, and I don't think his relationship with my uncle really changes that.  So, I'm not homophobic by any stretch, I have several g*a*y/lesbian/bi/questioning friends, and we hug each other all the time.  It's just that I'm not close with UBF, even less so than I am with my uncle (we see him MAYBE twice a year), and I don't let him hug me either......same for my immediate family.  Also, I was sexually assaulted a few years ago (I got away before he had a chance to do any real damage, thank goodness), and that was the *one* time I wasn't assertive enough about saying "no," so now I don't think twice about it.  My dad doesn't know about that, but I told my mom about a year and a half after the fact.   

Edited to clarify that the sexual assault was by a random guy at a bar, NOT my uncle or his boyfriend.....in case anyone might have misread that.  Both my uncle and UBF are perfectly good, kind, morally upstanding people.

[heathert]

Hi Freaky,

Sorry I didn't see you answered that before.  Hope I didn't offend you.  In any case, you should still be able to decide for yourself what you want to attend.

Heather

[Hawkwatcher]

Freaky, how close are you to graduating?  This might be the time to start sending out resumes and to attend your university's job fair.  The sooner that you are able to find a job in your field and no longer have to depend on help from your parents, the better off you will be.  Good luck to you.

[freakyfemme]

Freaky, how close are you to graduating?  This might be the time to start sending out resumes and to attend your university's job fair.  The sooner that you are able to find a job in your field and no longer have to depend on help from your parents, the better off you will be.  Good luck to you.

I'm a music major, so finding a job in my field (performance) isn't very likely, at least not without another degree.  But I am looking into grad schools for next year, and somehow, I'm going to organize financial assistance on my own through OSAP or whichever school I end up at......but, in the meantime, I think I'm just going to opt out of gatherings that involve UBF and restaurants. 

[freakyfemme]

Hi Freaky,

Sorry I didn't see you answered that before.  Hope I didn't offend you.  In any case, you should still be able to decide for yourself what you want to attend.

Heather

No, no....I was afraid I'd offended *you* by appearing to be homophobic for not wanting UBF to hug me.