Don't eat the meatballs! AKA: Stupid stuff you've done.

[Amara]

These are funny. Mine, however, is just embarrassing. (Okay, it might be funny to others.)

One night about 11:30 pm, I heard something outside. I don't normally go out by myself after dark, and especially not this late, but I needed to. (I can't remember the reason now, but it may have had to do with the extremely heavy wind, which I do NOT like, and getting things put where they wouldn't blow away.) So I am on the patio doing [whatever] when simultaneously two things happen: (1) I realize I left my keys in the house just as (2) the wind slams the door shut.

So there I am outside at 11:30 pm, the wind is howling up a storm, I am dressed in nothing but a short nightshirt, and the door is disturbingly un-openable. In fact, it is firmly shut and stuck. Even though it's not locked, I can't budge it. Believe me, I tried. Repeatedly.

I have no cell phone--and who would be up at 11:30 at night anyway?--and I can't go to the hotel down the street (un)dressed like this. I can't do anything except tug and pull at the door with increasing numbers of tears, and mounting fears and frustration.

In desperation I look around. There is the bathroom window. Of course it's not especially large. But maybe I can get in that if I really try. I know it's not yet locked so I tug it open. I figure maybe, just maybe, I can crawl through that. So I go around the dark property nervously, pull up several items I find there until I discover a plastic patio chair that will hoist me far enough off the ground to begin my wiggle. Which I do. Until I am about halfway in. It's then I realize that if I keep going I will plunge headfirst and uncontrollably onto a table that will collapse with me to the floor where I will likely break at least one thing (including maybe my neck on the sink) or I can re-try from the other end but that means I could just as easily crash head first onto the patio deck while trying to get my legs in the window. We are talking serious personal damage here either way.

I give up this idea and consider sleeping in the car. But I really don't feel safe out there, and the house isn't locked up and the bathroom window is open even though the kitchen door is slammed firmly shut. I try to stifle my increasing panic, which leads me to need to go to the bathroom desperately. And even if I sleep in the car, what the hell am I going to do in the morning? I can't wander the neighborhood near naked. Not. A. Good. Situation.

By this time the tears and self-directed rage are going full force along with the wind. I decide to try the door again, breaking it if I have to. And by god, this time it works! I have thrown my full body against it with such force that it opens! I go in to that wonderful light and warmth and safety, absolutely sobbing with relief. I hit the bathroom--but not until after firmly locking the door. I think it took me hours to get to sleep so pent up was I.

(I wish I could say that was the first time I locked myself out the house but, alas, it was not. At least the other time was during the day and I had a pair of still-wet leggings drying on the patio I could put on under the (same) night shirt while I got a ladder, took the screen off the kitchen window, used a very long-handled fruit picker to grab the jailer-sized key ring off the inside door handle and, with only one heart-stopping drop, bring them to me.)

I am a real danger to myself.

[Kimblee]

Non food related:  I dropped my iPhone into a toilet.  As it was dropping, time stopped, I grasped the air in slow motion and followed that phone into the water (just used).  It didn't survive and I had to autoclave my arm up to the elbow.

Oh man! That sucks.

I have a talent for catching electronics I've dropped just before some horrible fate befells them. Occasionally this includes other people's fumbles. I once caught my mom's cell as it dropped toward the crocodile water at the zoo... through the railings. Not as impressive as it sounds though, since my hand was already through the rails to drop food. I dropped the food, Mom gasped when her phone dropped, I snatched the phone then held it for a minute going "Wow... wish that was on film..." Its rarely a concious thing, i just happen to either be in the right place at the right time, or incredably lucky with my grabs.

So far its never failed, at least for me dropping things. I once made a swipe at my brothger's thrown phone and missed. (He tripped over a goat and fell, throwing his phone.) Of course now that I have shared my secret talent I'm gonna drop something and not catch it, aren't I?

ON-Topic: Last night I ate spagetti that had been in the fridge several days straight, thinking it'd be fine. Half-way through it i found a dead moth so I threw the rest out. This morning I am VERY sick and i doubt its the late moth's fault. And my cousin's wedding is at 3.

[Otterpop]

Ha, ha Kimblee.  Where were you when I needed you?!

  Hope you're feeling better.  A few tums, bicarbonate of soda and you should survive the wedding.  Oh, it's already over isn't it...Well, backwards good vibes.

[Diane AKA Traska]

I eat borderline food all the time.  It's kind of a talent... toughening up my stomach in case of emergency... you're not always going to be near a well-stocked fully-powered fridge.  But it has come back to bite me a few times.

Most notably, I was a teenager.  As a teenager, I had an appetite (lunch was more of a ritual than a meal... I'd eat enough to last me all day sometimes.)  We had the fixings for ham and cheese, and I love a good ham and cheese sandwich.  I also hadn't had breakfast, so I had three (3) sandwiches.  In my defense, I was hungry.  Believe it or not, we've not reached the stupid part.

See, what I hadn't really paid attention to at the time was that the ham had a strange multicolored sheen to it.  I thought this a trick of the light and oh isn't that kind of pretty and okay I'm really hungry now.  So I scarf down sandwich number one.  I scarf down sandwich number two.  I eat sandwich number three a little more leisurely, and my hunger is sated, and I am once again pleased with the world.

For a half hour.

Thirty minutes later, my stomach is pleading with me to pay attention.  Something is terribly, desperately wrong here.  I run downstairs (run may not be the right word for this... it was half-sprinting, half-stumbling) until I reach the back door.  I fling it open, take two steps, and promptly paint the back stairs a lovely shade of pink and white.  I have never, ever, vomited with that kind of force before or since.  I'd like to believe that were I mugged, I could successfully chase my attacker away with whatever were in my stomach that day, but alas.

[Betelnut]

 A couple of weeks ago, I take out my lawn mower to finally mow the lawn.  After weeks of rain (hello Irene and Lee!), my lawn is disturbingly tall and needs attention.  I confidently try to start the lawn mower.  Nada--no spark, not working.  I try again and again.  It is a new mower!  It can't be already not working!  I don't want to pay for someone to fix it!  It is charged!  I almost feel like crying.

It wasn't until the next morning when I was driving to work that I realized something.  Duh!  It is an electric lawn mower.  I really do need to use the key to start it!

[The703]

We had this kind of minor distress only last week.

There was a restaurant we used to frequent when we were dating.  It was named El Coyote.  The food was delicious but, after dinner there we just couldn't sleep.  We called the problem the 'El Coyote Syndrome'. 

Last week I made a taco pie for Dinner because we had some left over sweet corn that we didn't want to waste.  Like the food at El Coyote, the meal was delicious.  Like the food at El Coyote, we were both awake all night. 

We didn't feel ill.  We didn't have to make trips to the loo.  We just couldn't sleep.

Is the restaurant mexican themed? My FIL recently said that after he eats mexican he can't sleep. He thinks it's due to the salt content in the food. He's in his 60's now.

[m2kbug]

My shower head was getting all clogged up with hard water deposits, sending sprays of water in odd directions. It's not the type of shower head you can just unscrew: removing it would require some serious effort. I puzzled for a bit about how to solve this problem, when it suddenly occurred to me to fill a plastic sandwich bag with vinegar and tape it around the shower head to keep it in place. So that's what I did, figuring that leaving it in place for 24 hours ought to do the trick.

I'm in tears laughing at this one!     And thanks for the baggie idea.  Such a simple solution that never occurred to me!

[turtleIScream]

It was a somewhat chilly day, so I decided to fix myself a mug of hot cocoa.  I had the perfect blend of chocolate, milk, and vanilla, and went to grab some cinnamon.  Yeah, that jar of brownish red spice in my cabinet was NOT cinnamon; it was seasoned salt!

[Julia Mercer]

It was a somewhat chilly day, so I decided to fix myself a mug of hot cocoa.  I had the perfect blend of chocolate, milk, and vanilla, and went to grab some cinnamon.  Yeah, that jar of brownish red spice in my cabinet was NOT cinnamon; it was seasoned salt!

DOI!

[Thipu1]

A younger son was given the task.  He was 'armored' with a saucepan on his head, a pillow strapped to his chest, heavy gloves, and towels wrapped around his arms.  His job was to open the lobby door and throw the bottles into the back yard. 

Did he look like this?

Actually according to the family story, he did resemble that illustration, even though no one in the family had seen that image at the time.  When, as a small child, I was given a copy of 'Through the Looking Glass'. My mother looked at the picture and said, 'Yes.  That looks like X throwing out the beer bottles.'

When he grew up, that little boy Became a Minister.  It was always speculated that his childhood experience put the 'Fear of Dog' into him. 

[Apricot]

I've never had food poisoning, even though I sometimes eat questionable foods. My boyfriend has gotten food poisoning from things I've eaten with no problem.

Once, though, I went to set a brand new costco-size jar of sauce down on the counter and completely missed. Like, I let go when it wasn't over the counter at all. It was everywhere--even inside my shoes.

[Diane AKA Traska]

I've never had food poisoning, even though I sometimes eat questionable foods. My boyfriend has gotten food poisoning from things I've eaten with no problem.

Yes!  This is what I mean about toughening up your stomach!

[QueenofAllThings]

Aside from trying to catch a falling iron, you mean?

Or trying to put out several flaming votives with a garden hose? (water + flaming wax = bad idea)

But my personal favorite - not my duh! moment but my eldest son's: he's at a mall, and sees a clothes steamer at Brookstone. They are demo-ing it, and he'd like to see how it works. So he aims it at his t-shirt (which is ON him at the time) and gives himself massive steam burns across his stomach .... 

[Fleur-de-Lis]

It was a somewhat chilly day, so I decided to fix myself a mug of hot cocoa.  I had the perfect blend of chocolate, milk, and vanilla, and went to grab some cinnamon.  Yeah, that jar of brownish red spice in my cabinet was NOT cinnamon; it was seasoned salt!

Oh, :hugs:  I live in fear of doing something similar to myself - cinnamon, cumin, potato, potahto, right? 

Today's not so brilliant move was to leave margarine out overnight to soften.  Still in the wrapper.  In the microwave, so the cats couldn't get to it, but just on the microwave plate, not on a separate plate or bowl. 

It could have been worse.  I could have put the milk in the microwave for my cafe au lait without removing the margarine.  As it is, I just put the wrapped margarine back into the refrigerator (I won't be making cookies until later anyway) and I will try again later. 

[jpcher]

Aside from trying to catch a falling iron, you mean?

Or trying to put out several flaming votives with a garden hose? (water + flaming wax = bad idea)

But my personal favorite - not my duh! moment but my eldest son's: he's at a mall, and sees a clothes steamer at Brookstone. They are demo-ing it, and he'd like to see how it works. So he aims it at his t-shirt (which is ON him at the time) and gives himself massive steam burns across his stomach .... 

For the win! You can't really blame the kid because it seemed like a good idea at the time. After all, his mother tried to catch an iron!

Please don't take offense, QueenofAllThings . . . I'm not laughing at you . . .

It's the "DOH!" moments that I really have to laugh at myself about. Thanks for posting, everyone. At least I know that I'm not alone in this world!



P.S. Queen -- I hope your son was okay and where on earth were those demo people when he tried to do this?