Author Topic: It's too soon for you to date  (Read 10582 times)

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Viscountess

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It's too soon for you to date
« on: October 08, 2011, 01:11:35 AM »
Background:  A little over 6 weeks ago, my boyfriend of 1.5 years and I broke up.  Overall, the relationship ended on decent terms.  We talked about what wasn't working, tied up loose ends and wished each other the best.  I've completely moved on and enjoying life.  End BG.

A week ago, a guy in my class asked me out to dinner.  I said yes and had a lovely time with him.  For the record, classmate knows that I have recently broken up with my ex, and the date was strictly casual.  Since then, we've gone out for a second date (met for coffee) and are planning a third one (swing dancing  ;D).  Right now, we're both not looking for anything serious.  If it leads to that, then we'll cross that bridge when/if the time comes. 

The problem is that many of my friends think it's too soon for me to be dating (even if its just casually).  They often tell me it's too soon to be getting another boyfriend.  They seem to ignore me when I keep saying it's nothing serious at this point.  I've tried bean dipping but it doesn't always work.  Could I have some other suggestions, please?
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Lindstrom Lindstrom

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2011, 06:47:17 AM »
Maybe don't even phrase it as a "date" but as "NewGuy and I are hanging out"? Because that's what you're doing.

It seems kind of silly, if *you're* comfortable dating again, for them to be so concerned. It sounds like your breakup with OldGuy was amiable and you knew it was coming, so you had time to think about things and do your "grieving" for the relationship. Kudos to you for not letting yourself get in a funk about it! (Or not letting yourself be talked into getting in a funk ab out it, if that makes sense?)

oogyda

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2011, 07:48:44 AM »
Okay, now I'm curious.  Is there some unofficial mourning period that I'm not aware of?  It's not like the guy died or anything. 

Do you know *why* they think it's too soon.  I would really like to find out their reasoning, but wouldn't necessarily let it deter me.
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TurtleDove

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2011, 07:55:57 AM »
The problem is that many of my friends think it's too soon for me to be dating (even if its just casually).  They often tell me it's too soon to be getting another boyfriend.  They seem to ignore me when I keep saying it's nothing serious at this point.  I've tried bean dipping but it doesn't always work.  Could I have some other suggestions, please?

First of all, congratulations on being happy and moving on with your life.

I find myself in a somewhat similar situation.  My husband killed himself just over two months ago.  We had not yet been married a year.  I was devastated and in shock for several weeks.  Then I decided I was going to live my life.  By happenstance, I ran into a person I have known for probably 20 years and started seeing him.  We have been pretty seriously dating for more than a month now (we both have children, and are not interested in casual flings). 

Some of my friends are thrilled for me.  Some, like your situation, tell me it is too soon for me to be dating, I need to be alone right now, etc.  What I tell them:  "Thanks for your opinion, but I have MY life to live, not yours.  My husband killed himself.  He left me.  I owe him nothing.  I owe it to myself and to my daughter to seek as much happiness in the life I have and that is what I am doing." 

Your situation is different, but the concept is the same.  I would suggest telling those who feel the need to judge your dating habits that you are happy, period.  Live YOUR life how YOU want to live it.  Do not live your life for anyone else.  Perhaps even ask them what they would prefer you do, and whether they believe you need to be unhappy for ____ number of days or months or years, and if so, why?  It may make them realize their advice is both silly and unwanted.

Good luck, and I hope you continue to have fun!

TurtleDove

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2011, 07:57:44 AM »
Okay, now I'm curious.  Is there some unofficial mourning period that I'm not aware of?  It's not like the guy died or anything

Do you know *why* they think it's too soon.  I would really like to find out their reasoning, but wouldn't necessarily let it deter me.

Hah!  This was posted as I was typing my response above!  But yes, this is really what I would like to understand about the OP's situaiton and about my own.  But yes, I would not let someone else's opinion deter me from my own decision to seek happiness wherever I can.

Black Delphinium

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2011, 08:57:58 AM »
"I'm saving you the trouble 6 months from now of saying that I need to get out more."  >:D
When angels go bad, they go worse than anyone. Remember, Lucifer was an angel. ~The Marquis De Carabas

RainhaDoTexugo

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #6 on: October 08, 2011, 02:16:46 PM »
Okay, now I'm curious.  Is there some unofficial mourning period that I'm not aware of?  It's not like the guy died or anything. 

Do you know *why* they think it's too soon.  I would really like to find out their reasoning, but wouldn't necessarily let it deter me.

That's an easy one.  I've seen any number of people jump immediately into another relationship, trying to fill a hole in their lives, and it often ends badly.  Rebound relationships are frequently a bad idea, because a lot of people are just too emotionally raw from their breakup to carry on a healthy relationship.  A lot of people really would benefit from stepping back from dating for awhile and taking some time for themselves after a breakup.  I can see why her friends might be quietly concerned.

That said, it's not like it's a rule, or I'd be in trouble, since my husband was the rebound guy after I ended a relationship with my ex some 8 1/2 years ago ;)  It sounds like the OP has a pretty firm hold on her feelings, and I think messy rebound relationships are much more likely to occur after a messy breakup.  I would understand a single, concerned "we love you, please be careful" from friends in this case, but they're really out of line telling you what to do.

I'm not sure what you can say to disabuse them of the notion that you're jumping hot and heavy into a disastrous rebound relationship.  Try to keep in mind that they're coming from a place of love (which doesn't excuse the behavior, but might soften it), enjoy your dancing date, and keep bean dipping (I wouldn't judge you for an eye roll or a smiling "I get it, mom") until they see that you're not doing anything foolish.

HorseFreak

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #7 on: October 08, 2011, 02:25:49 PM »
Most of my relationships have been within a month or two of ending a previous long term relationship, usually about three years. They last just the same as the ones I waited on. I say if you're ready, go for it!
« Last Edit: October 08, 2011, 07:45:06 PM by HorseFreak »

TurtleDove

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #8 on: October 08, 2011, 03:02:13 PM »
Most of my relationships have been within a month of two of ending a previous long term relationship, usually about three years. They last just the same as the ones I waited on. I say if you're ready, go for it!

POD.

Winterlight

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #9 on: October 08, 2011, 03:12:39 PM »
About all I would say is that getting his name tattooed on you at this point would be premature.  ;D

Otherwise, I'd say, "I'm enjoying his company. Thank you for your concern. Now let's talk about something else."

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Viscountess

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #10 on: October 08, 2011, 04:09:49 PM »
Thanks for the responses, everyone  :)

Do you know *why* they think it's too soon.  I would really like to find out their reasoning, but wouldn't necessarily let it deter me.

I believe a few of them are worried that I haven't gotten over the ex, and the majority have gone through messy break ups which led to messy rebounds.  So they think my experience will end up like their own. 
"If you don't like something, then change it.  If you can't change it, then change your attitude towards it."

Viscountess

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #11 on: October 08, 2011, 04:17:06 PM »
"I'm saving you the trouble 6 months from now of saying that I need to get out more."  >:D

I burst out laughing at this!  I could see some of them telling me this a couple months down the line.
"If you don't like something, then change it.  If you can't change it, then change your attitude towards it."

jmarvellous

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #12 on: October 08, 2011, 04:44:04 PM »
I was in a two-year relationship that ended as well as a live-in relationship might end. I started dating my current boyfriend a month and a week later (but went on a few bad dates before that -- one where I was clearly not ready to date and ended up in tears!).
We've been together 5+ months at this point and things are going well. Who knows where we'll end up, but I'm sad when I think about a hypothetical world where I'd made myself 'grieve' for longer and missed out on this.

Surianne

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #13 on: October 08, 2011, 06:10:56 PM »
Otherwise, I'd say, "I'm enjoying his company. Thank you for your concern. Now let's talk about something else."

If they're ignoring you, call them on it.

I agree with this.  Just be blunt about it: I recognize your concern, I can handle it, let's move on to talk about something else.

I get the opposite types of comments -- it takes me a *long* time (years) to move on after a relationship because I really am happy being single.  Other people really love relationships and spend most of their time in them.  Neither is wrong if it works for you and makes you happy.

Yvaine

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #14 on: October 08, 2011, 06:17:56 PM »
I've had rebounds that worked and rebounds that didn't. My current relationship started as a rebound (and in fact was originally planned as definitively not-serious...and then became serious anyway).

And Black Delphinium's response is awesome.  ;D