Author Topic: It's too soon for you to date  (Read 10924 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

BarensMom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2645
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #15 on: October 08, 2011, 07:02:38 PM »
Viscountess, you are the only one who decides when it's time for you to start dating.  Do your friends expect you cry while you listen to "our song" and buy stock in Kleenex for months on end?

Turtledove:  I'm glad to hear that you are living your life and making things better and brighter for you and your little one.  All the best.

The Wild One, Forever

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1840
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #16 on: October 08, 2011, 10:05:06 PM »
I've never put much stock in that "rebound relationships never work" baloney.  Good thing, because I met my now-husband while I was still mourning a bad break-up.    ;D

You know what you need for yourself, and it's nobody's business.  It's very" kind of them to take an interest", which is how I'd probably respond to those comments.    ;)
Soft silly music is meaningful, magical

blarg314

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8527
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #17 on: October 08, 2011, 10:58:24 PM »

In situations like this, the first thing I tend to do is think about the people making the comments, and ask myself whether I value their  opinion.

If the answer is no, or I don't know, then they get a polite, non-committal response and I go on with things. But if the answer is yes, that I do value their opinions, then I will try to step back and consider whether they are right, particularly if I'm getting the same response from multiple people whose opinion I value.

From a friend's perspective, it can be tricky.  A person who is totally over the relationship, emotionally stable and ready to date will say "I'm totally over the relationship, emotionally stable and ready to date."  The problem is, the person who is not over the relationship and isn't ready to date will say the exact same thing.

LifeOnPluto

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6713
    • Blog
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #18 on: October 09, 2011, 12:57:42 AM »
Blarg makes some excellent points. I think it's likely that your friends are trying to look out for you, and are anxious that you might get into a messy rebound situation, etc.

I guess all you can say is "I really appreciate that you're concerned about me, but I've processed the end of my old relationship and know in my heart that I'm ready to move on again."

A thought occurred to me: are these friends also friends with your ex-boyfriend? Maybe he's nowhere near ready to date again, and they assume you're the same? Or maybe they even think you're being a bit disrespectful to him by dating again so soon?


afbluebelle

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5369
  • Saving the world one squirrelbot at a time
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #19 on: October 09, 2011, 01:31:03 AM »
Okay, now I'm curious.  Is there some unofficial mourning period that I'm not aware of?  It's not like the guy died or anything

Do you know *why* they think it's too soon.  I would really like to find out their reasoning, but wouldn't necessarily let it deter me.

Hah!  This was posted as I was typing my response above!  But yes, this is really what I would like to understand about the OP's situaiton and about my own.  But yes, I would not let someone else's opinion deter me from my own decision to seek happiness wherever I can.

I don't feel so bad at laughing at the timing now... You are awesome ;D



Back to the OP... they don't see it as a clean break. Thats the main thing I can think of. I've had long term relationships that ended badly, and one that ended perfectly because it was time to move on. I got the same dating advice in both cases, because no one ever expects something to end in a mature and caring manner.

Just tell them nothing, or explain that it wasn't a bad break and you are fine with your relationship or lack thereof, or tell them to go pound sand (nicely of course ;D )
My inner (r-word) is having a field day with this one.
-Love is Evol: Christopher Titus-

Viscountess

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 720
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #20 on: October 09, 2011, 03:22:50 AM »
A thought occurred to me: are these friends also friends with your ex-boyfriend? Maybe he's nowhere near ready to date again, and they assume you're the same? Or maybe they even think you're being a bit disrespectful to him by dating again so soon?

Only two of my friends have met my ex, and they're not friends with him.  Rest of my friends live all over the state and never had a chance to meet him.
"If you don't like something, then change it.  If you can't change it, then change your attitude towards it."

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6284
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #21 on: October 09, 2011, 09:13:47 AM »
Can someone explain what a "rebound" means?  I have never understood this at all.  What makes something a rebound as opposed to a separate relationship?  Every relationship follows the one before and would be a rebound, right?  Or is is a matter of timing, and if yes, what is the amount of time that must pass so the relationship is not doomed as a rebound?

Darcy

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 435
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #22 on: October 09, 2011, 09:17:16 AM »
If you're comfortable, can you just be honest with them?  Tell them that the rel@tionship was coming to a close for a while so it's not as if it was a shock when you broke up.

Can someone explain what a "rebound" means?  I have never understood this at all.  What makes something a rebound as opposed to a separate relationship?  Every relationship follows the one before and would be a rebound, right?  Or is is a matter of timing, and if yes, what is the amount of time that must pass so the relationship is not doomed as a rebound?

It's more the amount of time the previous rel@tionship lasted as well as the time between rel@tionships.  A rel@tionship of five years breaking up, then finding a new date a week later would be considered "rebound".  I wouldn't consider the OP's story as "rebound".

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9015
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #23 on: October 09, 2011, 09:23:24 AM »
Can someone explain what a "rebound" means?  I have never understood this at all.  What makes something a rebound as opposed to a separate relationship?  Every relationship follows the one before and would be a rebound, right?  Or is is a matter of timing, and if yes, what is the amount of time that must pass so the relationship is not doomed as a rebound?

To me, a rebound is hard to pin down to a time frame. It's more like "starting a new relationship while the end of the old one is still raw." (Which can work, as it happens, but sometimes does not.)

It's more the amount of time the previous rel@tionship lasted as well as the time between rel@tionships.  A rel@tionship of five years breaking up, then finding a new date a week later would be considered "rebound".  I wouldn't consider the OP's story as "rebound".

I don't even think this is necessarily true--I've had long relationships deteriorate slowly and then break up amicably, and been ready to date pretty quickly--and I've had short ones end abruptly and badly and leave me a mess. It has more to do with how unfinished/unresolved it feels, at least in my own experience.

jimithing

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 19737
  • Life Is Too Short to Wear a Bad Outfit!
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #24 on: October 09, 2011, 11:30:47 AM »

In situations like this, the first thing I tend to do is think about the people making the comments, and ask myself whether I value their  opinion.

If the answer is no, or I don't know, then they get a polite, non-committal response and I go on with things. But if the answer is yes, that I do value their opinions, then I will try to step back and consider whether they are right, particularly if I'm getting the same response from multiple people whose opinion I value.

From a friend's perspective, it can be tricky.  A person who is totally over the relationship, emotionally stable and ready to date will say "I'm totally over the relationship, emotionally stable and ready to date."  The problem is, the person who is not over the relationship and isn't ready to date will say the exact same thing.

I think these are very wise words. I don't think it's fair to tell people who love and care about you that their concerns are "silly." I also think you have to ask yourself what kind of support and help did you ask of your friends during the breakup? I find it a bit unfair to lean on them during a difficult time, but then when they express concern that perhaps you aren't emotionally ready yet, to dismiss them and tell them it's not of their business.

I've been in both situations, and I know that I wanted it both ways. I wanted my friends to be there for me during the breakup, be people I could count on to support me, and then when I made some poor decisions, got upset when they still continued to offer their love and support, just in a different way.

TBH, Turtledove, in your particular situation, I can understand why people would be concerned. I don't think it's that they don't want you to be happy. Your relationship ended in a very tragic way. It wasn't just that you agreed you shouldn't be together anymore. And even based upon what you wrote here on the board about your emotional state, and what you were going though, if you were my friend, I would be very concerned. I wouldn't tell you that you were clearly making a mistake or it was going to fall apart, but I don't think it's unreasonable for people in your life to be worried about you, moving into a new relationship, a month after your husband committed suicide.

RainhaDoTexugo

  • got married!
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 23089
  • Tatum!
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #25 on: October 09, 2011, 11:52:07 AM »
I agree with Yvaine about what makes a rebound.  It's sort of a "you know it when you see it" thing.  From the very little I've seen here, it sounds like the OP has simply moved on and is dipping her toes into the dating waters.  Rebounds usually have similar characteristics.  They come a short period of time after a messy breakup, before the person is really fully over the last relationship, and they frequently develop at hyperspeed.  A true rebound relationship wouldn't be "we went to get coffee," it would be "we met at the coffee shop last week and we connected so much and then we saw each other every day that week and now we're going to move in together and have babies because we're clearly so madly in love."  The one not rebounding is often, but not always, a jerk.  That sort of rebound relationship is the sort that good friends are bound to worry about.

jimithing

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 19737
  • Life Is Too Short to Wear a Bad Outfit!
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #26 on: October 09, 2011, 12:07:44 PM »
I agree with Yvaine about what makes a rebound.  It's sort of a "you know it when you see it" thing.  From the very little I've seen here, it sounds like the OP has simply moved on and is dipping her toes into the dating waters.  Rebounds usually have similar characteristics.  They come a short period of time after a messy breakup, before the person is really fully over the last relationship, and they frequently develop at hyperspeed.  A true rebound relationship wouldn't be "we went to get coffee," it would be "we met at the coffee shop last week and we connected so much and then we saw each other every day that week and now we're going to move in together and have babies because we're clearly so madly in love."  The one not rebounding is often, but not always, a jerk.  That sort of rebound relationship is the sort that good friends are bound to worry about.

I have a coworker who recently got out of a really bad marriage. They were married for 3 years, but together for 10. He found she had been cheating on him, repeatedly, was involved in drug dealing, etc. They tried therapy, etc., but he just couldn't trust her anymore. So, he kicked her out of the house.

But before he told her it was officially over, and she was still living in the house, he went on a couple of dates with a girl that he is still dating now. Who has many of the same characteristics as his first wife. Now if that's not a rebound, I don't know what is.

Yvaine

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9015
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #27 on: October 09, 2011, 12:11:31 PM »
They come a short period of time after a messy breakup, before the person is really fully over the last relationship, and they frequently develop at hyperspeed.  A true rebound relationship wouldn't be "we went to get coffee," it would be "we met at the coffee shop last week and we connected so much and then we saw each other every day that week and now we're going to move in together and have babies because we're clearly so madly in love." 

This--and also, in my experience, if the recently-broken-up person is worried about it being a rebound and is staying conscious of the possible pitfalls, that's usually a pretty good sign that it's not the unhealthy type of rebound. It's when you're not self-aware that you get into trouble.

Nora

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3488
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #28 on: October 09, 2011, 12:56:26 PM »
I'm sure my ex would categorize my current relationship (started 1 month after me kicking him out) as a rebound from him. I call it my very happy marriage of 7 years.

Opinions are like behinds.
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

Xallanthia

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5371
Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #29 on: October 09, 2011, 01:25:05 PM »
they frequently develop at hyperspeed.  A true rebound relationship wouldn't be "we went to get coffee," it would be "we met at the coffee shop last week and we connected so much and then we saw each other every day that week and now we're going to move in together and have babies because we're clearly so madly in love."  The one not rebounding is often, but not always, a jerk.  That sort of rebound relationship is the sort that good friends are bound to worry about.

For th most part, this is it. And yet friends still need to play it by ear in some cases. My best friend called me a week after her breakup (2 year relationship) to ask if she was crazy for considering dating a new guy so soon. I told her be careful but in my opinion she should have been with new guy from the day they met (~6 months earlier). It's been five years now and they are married with two kids :)

Her husband is NOT a jerk though, farthest thing from it, or I wouldn't have said that.