Author Topic: It's too soon for you to date  (Read 10587 times)

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The Wild One, Forever

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #30 on: October 09, 2011, 09:40:04 PM »
Can someone explain what a "rebound" means?  I have never understood this at all.  What makes something a rebound as opposed to a separate relationship?  Every relationship follows the one before and would be a rebound, right?  Or is is a matter of timing, and if yes, what is the amount of time that must pass so the relationship is not doomed as a rebound?

This is a very good question. 
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RainhaDoTexugo

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #31 on: October 09, 2011, 09:42:37 PM »
Can someone explain what a "rebound" means?  I have never understood this at all.  What makes something a rebound as opposed to a separate relationship?  Every relationship follows the one before and would be a rebound, right?  Or is is a matter of timing, and if yes, what is the amount of time that must pass so the relationship is not doomed as a rebound?

This is a very good question. 

If you read back, a few of us have already answered it.

TurtleDove

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #32 on: October 09, 2011, 10:04:22 PM »
TBH, Turtledove, in your particular situation, I can understand why people would be concerned. I don't think it's that they don't want you to be happy. Your relationship ended in a very tragic way. It wasn't just that you agreed you shouldn't be together anymore. And even based upon what you wrote here on the board about your emotional state, and what you were going though, if you were my friend, I would be very concerned. I wouldn't tell you that you were clearly making a mistake or it was going to fall apart, but I don't think it's unreasonable for people in your life to be worried about you, moving into a new relationship, a month after your husband committed suicide.

I can see this.  I really can.  I do think that unless a person has experienced the trauma I did, it is difficult to grasp how over that relationship I am. I can tell you that I was in shock for a few weeks and then decided to embrace life again, and I am so glad I did.  I am not going to end my life because he chose to end his.  And the new guy I am seeing is a particularly stellar person, and without getting into details our families have known each other forever and he is a pastor - he will not hurt me and I will not hurt him.  Of course I am not clairvoyant, but I did not just start dating an unknown. But yes, I can see the questions people might have....I just know that I have made a decision to not waste my life and to enjoy every minute.

glacio

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #33 on: October 10, 2011, 05:25:44 AM »
I agree with Yvaine about what makes a rebound.  It's sort of a "you know it when you see it" thing.  From the very little I've seen here, it sounds like the OP has simply moved on and is dipping her toes into the dating waters.  Rebounds usually have similar characteristics.  They come a short period of time after a messy breakup, before the person is really fully over the last relationship, and they frequently develop at hyperspeed.  A true rebound relationship wouldn't be "we went to get coffee," it would be "we met at the coffee shop last week and we connected so much and then we saw each other every day that week and now we're going to move in together and have babies because we're clearly so madly in love."  The one not rebounding is often, but not always, a jerk.  That sort of rebound relationship is the sort that good friends are bound to worry about.

For me, the main indicator of a rebound is that the recently single person is looking to replace the relationship, without any consideration of who the new person is. This is generally why they move so fast (the person is trying to get back to that long-term coziness as fast as possible) and why the new SO position is more often then not held by a jerk (they are the people most likely to go along with the fast pace with no questions asked).

The rebound relationship usually crashes and burns when the recently single person realizes that they are trying to force the new person and the new relationship into the mold of the last situation. If the new person is really nice, this makes the break up even worse because of the "No, seriously, it's me not you" conversation.

If (general) you are getting into a relationship because you generally like the person, then it doesn't matter how long it's been since the last breakup. The problem arises because it is sometimes difficult for people to acknowledge that they are getting into a relationship for the wrong reasons. For those who have seen bad rebound relationships, it's difficult to watch a friend appear to get into this situation and will speak of caution (especially when all three are in a small school program; now that was drama).

For the OP, if you like the guy and not just the idea of him, then have a great time. Tell you're well-meaning friends to have a cookie and chill. You got this handled.

TychaBrahe

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #34 on: October 10, 2011, 01:51:56 PM »
TBH, Turtledove, in your particular situation, I can understand why people would be concerned. I don't think it's that they don't want you to be happy. Your relationship ended in a very tragic way. It wasn't just that you agreed you shouldn't be together anymore. And even based upon what you wrote here on the board about your emotional state, and what you were going though, if you were my friend, I would be very concerned. I wouldn't tell you that you were clearly making a mistake or it was going to fall apart, but I don't think it's unreasonable for people in your life to be worried about you, moving into a new relationship, a month after your husband committed suicide.

I can see this.  I really can.  I do think that unless a person has experienced the trauma I did, it is difficult to grasp how over that relationship I am. I can tell you that I was in shock for a few weeks and then decided to embrace life again, and I am so glad I did.  I am not going to end my life because he chose to end his.  And the new guy I am seeing is a particularly stellar person, and without getting into details our families have known each other forever and he is a pastor - he will not hurt me and I will not hurt him.  Of course I am not clairvoyant, but I did not just start dating an unknown. But yes, I can see the questions people might have....I just know that I have made a decision to not waste my life and to enjoy every minute.

I'm going to just assume that you know what is best for you, Turtledove.  However, I want to point out that you have a child involved, and your child may mourn your late husband in a different way.  Be very tender with her. 

A lot of people who date after a spouse/partner dies/breaks up/divorces take pains to keep their children separated from their dates until they are absolutely positive that the new person is going to be a fixture in their lives. 

My stepfather, who was sick for at least six months, died in August of 2010.  My mother is dating again.  She's happy.  (She really can't handle being alone.)  I'm happy, especially as I was her social support for 14 months.  My sister is concerned.  My stepbrother and stepsister are ticked at how quickly her relationship has taken off, and how she is willing to blow off their kids, her step-grandkids.  They probably would have preferred she wait another year or two.  Everyone mourns differently.

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Back to the OP's issue, I have heard from very reputable, conservative therapists that you should give yourself X number of months to mourn a relationship, where X is the number of years you were in the relationship.  So if you were involved for 1.5 years, you should have 1.5 months to mourn.  Well, that's six weeks.  So you have done the sensible, conservative thing.
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TurtleDove

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #35 on: October 10, 2011, 02:37:14 PM »
Back to the OP's issue, I have heard from very reputable, conservative therapists that you should give yourself X number of months to mourn a relationship, where X is the number of years you were in the relationship.  So if you were involved for 1.5 years, you should have 1.5 months to mourn.  Well, that's six weeks.  So you have done the sensible, conservative thing.

This is the advice I heard and followed as well - we were not yet married a year.  My daughter was just over two and a half when my husband killed himself - she knows he is not coming home and he is happy and in heaven, but she is way too young to be mourning anything.  I think it is far more important that she see her mother happy and engaged in living life rather than mourning, and I am.  I am not having my new SO involved in her life at this point, though they have met because she had attended church when he was preaching at various times in her life (and so had my late husband).

DaDancingPsych

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #36 on: October 10, 2011, 04:15:27 PM »
I didn’t read all the replies, as your post reminded me of… well… me!

I had been dating my ex for three years. I had known that our relationship was over six months prior, but didn’t have the heart to end it. (He was going through some medical issues and I wanted to be a good friend and be there for him… and I knew that when I broke things off, he would NOT want to be friends.) So while the break up wasn’t pretty, I was emotionally ready to move on with my life.

During this same time, I had met what would become my current boyfriend. He was well aware that I was terminating a relationship, but we got along quite well and things were quite causal. Our relationship grew from there (tomorrow marks our official two year dater-versary!) We were both discussing how well-meaning friends were advising us BOTH to not go forward into this relationship. What made it work for us is that we were both taking a causal approach. There was no pressure to make this go anywhere, we were just having fun! It was always very natural.

Neither of us managed to get our well-meaning friends to back down… only time did this. We both were giving the same speech. “I really appreciate your concern, but this is barely a relationship. We are two friends who are well aware of where each others’ feelings are and are not. We are simply having a good time.” Most of my friends tried to be respectful and simply said that they were looking out for my feelings, but after they had expressed their fears, they took to being a good friend prepared to fix a broken heart if needed… luckily, I was right in this situation.

I think the best that you can do is acknowledge the love that your friends are trying to provide and then ask them to give you the space to enjoy these causal outings. Hope it works out well for you!

jessikast

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #37 on: October 10, 2011, 07:51:59 PM »
As long as you're happy, know what your boundaries are and are going into this with your eyes open....go for it!  It sounds like you're pretty self-aware and know what you're doing.

I met my fiance about three months after coming out of a seven-year relationship where we'd been living together for four of those years. In other circumstances it may have been a rebound, but my first relationship had, I think, truly ended long before we officially called it quits. I'd already processed all the end-of-relationship emotional guff and I was ready for new things.

I was set up with this new guy, and went into it thinking I was after a good time - I was young, footloose, and fancy free! I wanted to meet new people, explore my options and just have a good time!

We were engaged a year later. Best laid plans...  ;D

When I look back, I don't think I had anyone telling me that I was moving too fast - it probably helped that my new squeeze is so very different from the old. Different interests (except where they're the same as mine), different groups of friends, different gender... :P

magician5

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #38 on: October 10, 2011, 09:11:08 PM »
For what it's worth, the "received accepted wisdom" can sometimes not apply to you - though you do need to seriously ask yourself if you're ignoring what's best for you when you go against it.

I was good and ready to let go of a seven-year relationship, and when I finally let go of it I started dating a woman I'd just met (who was also just out of her 3-year marriage, which had been her first real relationship). In a very few weeks we were talking aboot "when we get married...". It's been 25 years and we're still happily married.

In the interest of full disclosure, early in the relationship the facts added up to that both of us had complementary immaturities, and sometimes I've wished we had dated longer before committing, but we somehow got by "jumping the waiting period" and we've grown together.
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Twik

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #39 on: October 10, 2011, 09:13:41 PM »
I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned it yet - possibly the *friends* are mourning the relationship. When you've been used to doing things with "Archie and Betty", and suddenly, you're confronted with "Archie and Veronica" as the couple, you may find it's hard to get used to at first. There are a lot of comflicting feelings - should you welcome Veronica? Should you give her the cold shoulder, out of loyalty to Betty? What if Archie keeps moving through the entire cartoon universe?

As long as Veronica isn't in the picture, they can persuade themselves that things are *too* different.
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bah12

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #40 on: October 12, 2011, 12:50:50 PM »
I don't think that any one person can define, in a matter of units of time, when it is and isn't ok to start dating someone else, regardless of the circumstances that ended the previous relationship, or the length of time that relationship lasted.

In my experience, being ready to "date" again, really depends on both people involved.  In general, if any one person has the healthy desire to move on with their life and not close themselves off to meeting and getting to know new people, then I see nothing wrong with that.  I would be wary of a friend whose attitude may be "CRUD MONKEYS!!  I'm single!  I can't be single!  That guy!  He's the one I'll commit my whole life to right now!" or even "I'll hook up with him to make my ex jealous...he'll be begging me to take him back!".  Neither of those are the case with the OP and I think that her friends "concerns" are unfounded and over the line.

While I see some validity to the one month per year of the relationship rule, I don't think that it's universal.  I do, however,  agree that it's a good guideline for people who are deeply in mourning over the loss of a relationship or aren't sure if they are ready to move on.  Or even those that feel that they have to replace the relationship immediately.  It's not ok to assume that someone doesn't know their reason for moving on and meeting someone for coffee and getting to know them is, IMO, not jumping into anything too fast.


Sterling

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #41 on: October 12, 2011, 04:02:05 PM »
I have been thinking about this a lot.

There really is no way to really predict how long is the right amount of time to wait.

My boyfriend was ending his marriage (marriage and time together was 8 years) and he started dating a new woman before he had even finished moving out.  But he and his wife ended things on really good terms and both were ready to move on.  He and the woman he started dating were together for 4 years.

My boyfriend and I met over a year after that relationship ended.  I had been single for 2 years.  We dated for over a year but due to niether of us actually being ready things didn't work.  I was so afraid of messing things up I was overly touchy.  He wasn't sure he really wanted a relationship and fought agianst it.  We broke up and after 6 months of being just friends (and really being just friends) we got back together. 

Basically you can never tell how long it will take for you to really get over a relationship.  My relationship with my boyfriend should have been easier to get over than my broken marriage but oddly enough it wasn't. 
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wyliefool

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #42 on: October 12, 2011, 07:51:25 PM »
TBH, Turtledove, in your particular situation, I can understand why people would be concerned. I don't think it's that they don't want you to be happy. Your relationship ended in a very tragic way. It wasn't just that you agreed you shouldn't be together anymore. And even based upon what you wrote here on the board about your emotional state, and what you were going though, if you were my friend, I would be very concerned. I wouldn't tell you that you were clearly making a mistake or it was going to fall apart, but I don't think it's unreasonable for people in your life to be worried about you, moving into a new relationship, a month after your husband committed suicide.

I can see this.  I really can.  I do think that unless a person has experienced the trauma I did, it is difficult to grasp how over that relationship I am. I can tell you that I was in shock for a few weeks and then decided to embrace life again, and I am so glad I did.  I am not going to end my life because he chose to end his.  And the new guy I am seeing is a particularly stellar person, and without getting into details our families have known each other forever and he is a pastor - he will not hurt me and I will not hurt him.  Of course I am not clairvoyant, but I did not just start dating an unknown. But yes, I can see the questions people might have....I just know that I have made a decision to not waste my life and to enjoy every minute.

I think it's also the case that an extreme situation like this--suicide--can leave the survivor w/ an increased clarity and 'carpe diem' mentality. Ending a rel@tionship is one thing, but walking in on your husband's body is something else. You can wind up, after the initial shock, w/ a sort of 'best not to waste time' attitude.

(TD--I'm glad you're doing better. I came upon that whole 'hugs' thread long after the fact, so I never posted. I hope things keep going well.)

SuperMartianRobotGirl

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #43 on: October 14, 2011, 03:45:00 PM »
I met my husband of 14 years two weeks after breaking up a 1.5-year relationship. There are no rules here. It's about what you're comfortable with.

DaDancingPsych

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #44 on: October 27, 2011, 11:19:12 AM »
In my experience, being ready to "date" again, really depends on both people involved.  In general, if any one person has the healthy desire to move on with their life and not close themselves off to meeting and getting to know new people, then I see nothing wrong with that.  I would be wary of a friend whose attitude may be "CRUD MONKEYS!!  I'm single!  I can't be single!  That guy!  He's the one I'll commit my whole life to right now!" or even "I'll hook up with him to make my ex jealous...he'll be begging me to take him back!".  Neither of those are the case with the OP and I think that her friends "concerns" are unfounded and over the line.

In my situation, my BF's friends were not concerned for him. He had been single for some time, so he wasn't moving too quickly. They were concerned about me. They didn't know me to know if I was the type that couldn't stand to be single (actually, I'm the type that misses being single!!!), so they were worried that he was going to get hurt when I was just rebounding. I think that their concerns were valid and they did back off with time, but I think my boyfriend recognized that I wasn't carrying much baggage.