Author Topic: It's too soon for you to date  (Read 10793 times)

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TurtleDove

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #45 on: October 27, 2011, 12:15:42 PM »
so they were worried that he was going to get hurt when I was just rebounding

This concept continues to baffle me!

Sterling

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #46 on: October 27, 2011, 04:55:12 PM »
I found out this week that I am dealing with something similar but its a "It is to soon for you two to get engaged".

My boyfriend/about to be fiance and I I dated for over a year and broke up 7 months ago because I wanted a solid committment and he wasn't ready to do that and decided to en it instead.  We stayed very close friends the entire time and almost 2 months ago we got back together.  Two weeks ago I moved in with him and no one batted an eye.  This week we decided to get married this summer.  I will have the ring in a few weeks and while we haven't made a big announcement we have told a few very close friends and family.

A few people have commented after our break up that it is a bad idea to rush into marriage.  But by the time our wedding date roles around he and I will have known each other for 3 years.  We are both in our 30s and want to maybe start a family.  We have dated for 2 years now with a 5 mont hbreak.  I think we know exactly what we are doing.
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PaddedPaws

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #47 on: October 29, 2011, 03:38:59 PM »
so they were worried that he was going to get hurt when I was just rebounding

This concept continues to baffle me!

I tink this comes from a concern that a person entering into a relationship on the rebound is making significant decisions during an unstable time in their lives, while still processing significant emotional upheaval. The fear is that once that person has processed all their grief, they may no longer still agree with the decisions they made in the middle of their grief, causing pain to both parties in the subsequent breakup.

This does sometimes happen. But there are probably also times when people can process their emotions quicker than others realize and can have new relationships fairly soon. And there may be times that a person processes their sadness while in their new relationship and it strengthens the new relationship.

I don't think I'd want to tell my friend that it was too soon to date, but I would want to know that she was really emotionally ready, and that she wasn't looking for a quick fix to mend her broken heart. Of course, it's not really my business if she decides it's not. But, if I care about her, I'd like to know that she's doing well. What would help me as a friend is to hear her say that she knows she is strong enough to handle the dating process again.

alohomora

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #48 on: November 02, 2011, 10:30:24 AM »
I agree with other posters who stated that it's not the amount of time after a relationship that causes the next relationship to be a rebound.  Personally, I think it's the reasons why the person heads into the next relationship.

One of my ex-boyfriends was on the rebound when we started dating.  I suspected it, but dated him anyway because I was hoping that I was wrong.  I wasn't.   :P

I knew he was on the rebound because:
1. He had been with his ex-wife for about 10 years when the relationship finally ended.  He hadn't been single in a very long time and really had no desire to be single again.

2. His ex-wife had already moved on.  She had started a new relationship before theirs officially ended.  He very much wanted to show her that he had moved on and that his life was better without her in it. 

About 4 or 5 months after they filed for divorce, he told me that he was interested in me and wanted to date. I expressed my concerns about him being on the rebound and he assured me that that wasn't the case.  I let myself believe it, even though I knew him well enough to know better.

We dated for a little over a year.  Our relationship ended because he met someone else. When I asked him what made this other woman the one for him, he told me that he felt himself fall in love with her and that he had never felt that with me.

I fully take the blame for getting into a relationship with someone who was clearly looking for "someone" to be with... not looking to be with me, in particular.  So, to me, that is one of the clear rebound signs: the person is not interested in the new person they've started dating so  much as they are interested in just dating someone/anyone.

TurtleDove

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #49 on: November 02, 2011, 10:58:11 AM »
So, to me, that is one of the clear rebound signs: the person is not interested in the new person they've started dating so  much as they are interested in just dating someone/anyone.

This makes sense.  I have never ever been on the rebound.  I am sorry that happened to you.

alohomora

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #50 on: November 02, 2011, 11:13:58 AM »
Thanks, TurtleDove.  I'm terribly sorry for what you had to go through, but it's wonderful to hear that you are moving on and making the most out of life. 

As for me, my situation wasn't too horrible.  It was a lesson learned and, luckily, my ex and I are still friends. 

wetblanket

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #51 on: November 07, 2011, 05:04:56 PM »
I'm always wary of people who just happen to find someone they claim to be genuinely interested in dating close on the heels of the end of another relationship.

I'm not saying it can never happen, but I do think it is the exception.  I know happy couples who started out as drunken one night stands - again, not impossible, but rare.

It just strikes me as too convenient that just when the person happens to be facing an indefinite period of singlehood, with all its emotional implications, shazzam! they meet someone and all that messy singlehood stuff becomes moot.  It's like they are Jerry Seinfeld from the Even Steven episode.

The problem is, no ever thinks they are on the rebound, just as no one ever thinks they are a bad driver.  And usually it's the person who dates the rebounder who gets hurt the most.

TurtleDove

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #52 on: November 07, 2011, 05:11:49 PM »
I'm always wary of people who just happen to find someone they claim to be genuinely interested in dating close on the heels of the end of another relationship.

I'm not saying it can never happen, but I do think it is the exception.  I know happy couples who started out as drunken one night stands - again, not impossible, but rare.

It just strikes me as too convenient that just when the person happens to be facing an indefinite period of singlehood, with all its emotional implications, shazzam! they meet someone and all that messy singlehood stuff becomes moot.  It's like they are Jerry Seinfeld from the Even Steven episode.

The problem is, no ever thinks they are on the rebound, just as no one ever thinks they are a bad driver.  And usually it's the person who dates the rebounder who gets hurt the most.

What length of time would be appropriate to you and what would you suggest fun-loving people who enjoy dating should do until the "scared of being a rebound" time has passed?  I remain absolutely baffled by this concept.  Some people, IMHO, are never emotionally stable enough to date and it has nothing to do with proximity in time to the end of a previous relationship

wetblanket

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #53 on: November 07, 2011, 05:31:13 PM »
Length of time?  Varies according to the length and seriousness of the previous relationship, plus its messiness and painfulness. 

It's not a math equation but let's say someone ends a five-year live-in engaged-to-be-engaged relationship because they found out their partner was cheating, and that was just three months ago.  That person is rebounding. 

The person who dated someone for six months, never fell in love, and the break-up was a mutual "this isn't working" a couple months ago with few or zero tears - that person probably isn't rebounding.

I think recent dumpers/dumpees should frankly acknowledge the possibility that they may be rebounding and take. it. slow.  Really, really show.  Glacial.

Edited for a wayward apostrophe.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2011, 09:57:22 AM by wetblanket »

Perfect Circle

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #54 on: November 07, 2011, 05:36:56 PM »
Length of time?  Varies according to the length and seriousness of the previous relationship, plus it's messiness and painfulness. 

It's not a math equation but let's say someone ends a five-year live-in engaged-to-be-engaged relationship because they found out their partner was cheating, and that was just three months ago.  That person is rebounding. 

The person who dated someone for six months, never fell in love, and the break-up was a mutual "this isn't working" a couple months ago with few or zero tears - that person probably isn't rebounding.

I think recent dumpers/dumpees should frankly acknowledge the possibility that they may be rebounding and take. it. slow.  Really, really show.  Glacial.

You cannot make that judgement for someone else.

Some people recover from relationships quicker than others. There is no right or wrong way.

I met my current husband not very long time after my first husband died. His death was tragic and unexpected if not totally surprising. I deal with things head on and straight away. When I met DH I wasn't looking for a new relationship but it felt absolutely right very quickly.

We didn't rush things, but it became serious fairly soon.

You cannot give definitive guidance on how long someone needs to stay single between relationships because we are all different and deal with emotional issues differently. Not everyone moving on quickly is rebounding. And not everyone who has been single for a longer period is over their previous relationship.
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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #55 on: November 07, 2011, 07:07:08 PM »
Okay, now I'm curious.  Is there some unofficial mourning period that I'm not aware of?  It's not like the guy died or anything. 

Do you know *why* they think it's too soon.  I would really like to find out their reasoning, but wouldn't necessarily let it deter me.

That's an easy one.  I've seen any number of people jump immediately into another relationship, trying to fill a hole in their lives, and it often ends badly.  Rebound relationships are frequently a bad idea, because a lot of people are just too emotionally raw from their breakup to carry on a healthy relationship.  A lot of people really would benefit from stepping back from dating for awhile and taking some time for themselves after a breakup.  I can see why her friends might be quietly concerned.

That said, it's not like it's a rule, or I'd be in trouble, since my husband was the rebound guy after I ended a relationship with my ex some 8 1/2 years ago ;)  It sounds like the OP has a pretty firm hold on her feelings, and I think messy rebound relationships are much more likely to occur after a messy breakup.  I would understand a single, concerned "we love you, please be careful" from friends in this case, but they're really out of line telling you what to do.

I married my rebound guy too.  15 years and 2 kids later, I'm still pretty darn happy with my rebound   :D
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TurtleDove

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #56 on: November 07, 2011, 10:04:12 PM »
Not everyone moving on quickly is rebounding. And not everyone who has been single for a longer period is over their previous relationship.

This. I think timing has little to do with it.

General Jinjur

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #57 on: November 07, 2011, 10:20:34 PM »
I met DH two months after I separated from my XH. And then wasn't legally divorced for the better part of a year, because XH did not want to sign the paperwork. We're fairly happy nonetheless  ;)

wetblanket

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #58 on: November 08, 2011, 10:07:39 AM »
Sure, there are exceptions, like the one night stands I mentioned - but notice no one ever says that one night stands are a good way to find a lasting relationship.  I know of a 30-year marriage that started as an affair, but that doesn't make having an affair a good idea.

In the main, people rebound, and it can be very emotionally messy for everyone involved.  That's why we have a specific term for it and everyone knows what it means.  The term has been around for decades.  I could say "rebound' to my 90-year-old grandfather and he would immediately know exactly what I was talking about, because it is such a common phenomenon.




TurtleDove

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Re: It's too soon for you to date
« Reply #59 on: November 08, 2011, 10:11:25 AM »
In the main, people rebound, and it can be very emotionally messy for everyone involved.  That's why we have a specific term for it and everyone knows what it means. 

I don't think we agree about what it means.  Specifically, I don't think timing has anything to do with it.  I think personalities and emotional state do, but that has little to do with timing, which is what this thread is about.  How long do you think someone needs to be single (does this mean no dates at all?) for her to not be on the rebound?  Is everyone who is single for this amount of time NOT on the rebound?