Online Etiquette

[Alida]

I'm sure this sounds childish - and maybe it is, though the youngest of our group is in her mid 20s and the oldest is in their late 30s...

I belong to an online group that "meets" in chat rooms and talks in IM daily.  We also get together in person a few times a year - we are spread across the US. 

I have DSL.  I do a lot online, including building websites, research for the dojang newsletters, marketing, selling on eBay, etc.  So, I leave my IM clients up so people can reach me during the day.  In the evening, we all settle in and chat in a room.  During the day, I'm often not at my laptop, but will check it when I hear messages or while I enjoy my coffee.

My question - when someone signs onto AIM (or Yahoo or MSN), whose responsibility is it to note the new arrival?  Should the person signing on check their just-loaded friends list and say hi to those there or should someone already online be expected to note the new arrival?  We have a few in the group who seem to feel ignored if they sign on and no one 'notices.'  Personally, I feel it's up to them to let others know they've arrived, but I may be wrong.  So, I'm asking here - does anyone know what the proper etiquette in this situation would be?

[Lisbeth]

I agree with you-the newcomers should announce themselves to the rest of the group.

But once they've done so, it seems to me that if nobody responds to them, they would be justified in feeling snubbed unless they have reputations for violating the rules of the group.

[Gileswench]

I would tend to agree with you and say the new arrival is the one who ought to signal their appearance. Someone who's already on might be in the middle of something else and not notice precisely when a new person arrives.

[dawbs]

I'd say that if they're ignored after they say "hi, just arriving, what's up" (or whatever the standard greeting is), then they have the right to be irritated.

But they should take some initiative in greeting those already there.
(especially since sometimes I get onto boards or AIM or whatever and I don't really want to chat...I just lurk around, read and then decide if I actually want to participate further--I don't necessarily want everyone to say "Hey Dawbs, how're ya?" when I accidentally logged into AIM or when I'm just checking the boards to follow up w/ one individual, etc.)

[stacykk]

My messenger comes up automatically when I get online, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm there to chat.  So if I want to talk to someone, I make the first move.  Sometimes it's annoying to get hit with IM's when you're trying to find something online.  I've actually upset people because I didn't want to chat the moment I got online.

So I feel it's up to the newcomer to acknowledge they are now online AND are able to chat.

[Julia Mercer]

I have a friend, that whenever she sees that I'm online, she'll pm me on whatever board we're both on, and tell me to turn on my messenger, and if I ignore her, she gets pissy about it. I don't mind talking to her once in a while, but she's one of those people that I can only take in VERY small doses, it drives me bonkers, and whenever I see her signed on at My Space or wherever, I groan and go on to another site. It's a pain to have to tell her EACH AND EVERY TIME that I don't feel like talking, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!

Jules

[Venus193]

I have a friend, that whenever she sees that I'm online, she'll pm me on whatever board we're both on, and tell me to turn on my messenger, and if I ignore her, she gets pissy about it. Jules

I know how that feels.  That's why I took IM out of my Start-Up folder so I only turn it on when I want to be available for conversation.  There should be a way to appear "invisible" on a selective basis.

[mathchick]

The last time I looked at the regular AIM client, there is a way to make yourself invisible.  There should be an eye somewhere on your AIM client.  Click it, and that will make you invisible.  I don't know how to do it using Trillian or GAIM.

[Rach]

You certainly can on msn at least. You can 'always login as invisible'

A friend of mine had a useful technique - she had so many online friends she couldn't keep up if she was visible, so she 'blocked' everyone on her friends list, then 'unbloked' people in turn to chat to them

[Suze]

You certainly can on msn at least. You can 'always login as invisible'

A friend of mine had a useful technique - she had so many online friends she couldn't keep up if she was visible, so she 'blocked' everyone on her friends list, then 'unbloked' people in turn to chat to them

From the cave dweller -- Wouldn't that make the friend wonder why they were blocked?  Or aren't you aware that you are blocked?

[blue2000]

I'd like to know, too. I don't use MSN much, but it came with my computer. There are people who get mad at me because they can see me online, but I don't really want to chat. (I don't want to chat with them IRL either, I don't know why they are so sure I would want to online  )

CAN you block someone without them noticing?

[Alida]

From the cave dweller -- Wouldn't that make the friend wonder why they were blocked?  Or aren't you aware that you are blocked?

Only if your friends slip and tell someone they're talking to the one doing the blocking.  A friend got herself in trouble doing that, hurting the blockee's feelings.

[blue_bunny_paz]

I agree that the newcomer should make themselves known.
For one thing, I do not assume that just because a person is on-line they would want to speak to me. If someone speaks to me I will, of course, reply but some people only "pop in" to see if a certain person is online or in a brief break, so there is not always time for them to talk to everyone.

I'd be careful with blocking. I have a friend who blocks nearly everyone on their friends list, and I do have to wonder why they have so many people on thier list they don't want to talk to. I know there are people you drift apart from, or who added you for unknown reasons, but I think blocking can hurt feelings.
I think a more subtle approach is to list yourself as "busy" so people are not insulted if you do not speak to them.

[MineralDiva]

I agree with you-the newcomers should announce themselves to the rest of the group.

But once they've done so, it seems to me that if nobody responds to them, they would be justified in feeling snubbed unless they have reputations for violating the rules of the group.

That was my feeling exactly.  Say "hello" to everyone, once you sign on.  But after that, if they don't get a response, that might be considered as being ignored.

[Slartibartfast]

You certainly can on msn at least. You can 'always login as invisible'

A friend of mine had a useful technique - she had so many online friends she couldn't keep up if she was visible, so she 'blocked' everyone on her friends list, then 'unbloked' people in turn to chat to them

From the cave dweller -- Wouldn't that make the friend wonder why they were blocked?  Or aren't you aware that you are blocked?

From my recollections of AIM (which are a few years old), when you block someone, they just see you as never online.  They don't get a message that you're blocked or anything.