When does 'keeping up with the Joneses' become stalkerish?

[thebadchemist]

I feel for Tammy! She really should discover a newfound love of Elvis and do one room in her house in a Graceland theme. Only let Cheryl into that room.

My ex-best-friend was like that. She did everything I did, celebrated when bad things happened to me, and pouted when good things happened to me. Guess what? We're not friends anymore. After a while, I just tired of the fact that she has NO sense of self and was rather more an object of pity than respect. She has few friends and has lost several very close friends. She's perpetually unhappy because she simply can't think for herself and take charge of her own life. She tried to live mine for the longest time and at various points, latched on to other people. I knew breaking it off was the right decision when, after I stopped talking to her, I realized that I didn't miss her at all. This was supposedly my best friend, someone I'd known since I was 12. She was just too toxic for me.

Anyway, I'll be Cheryl's a lot like my ex-friend. All Tammy can do is limit the contact and talk to her husband so they can present a united front. She should probably encourage her kids to hang out with other friends, too. I wonder what Cheryl's husband is like... whether or not he agrees with her, he definitely enables her. I think if I ever said to BF, "Let's buy furniture that looks like the Joneses." He'd reply, "Um... why?!"

[hobish]

The same thing happened to a co-worker of mine. It was even to the point that the neighbor had the exact same decorations outside her house. Co-worker ended up finally confronting the neighbor about it. Neighbor pretended she didn't have any idea what cw was talking about, but she did stop.

[Rose2Bear]

Tammy should have some fun with this. She should rent a fully loaded Jaguar and keep it until Cheryl goes out and buys one. Then she should start leaving brochures for expensive European vacations lying around until Cheryl books one for her family. After that, Tammy should start bragging about the Arabian horses she's buying for her kids and the exclusive prep school she's enrolling them in.....you get the idea. With any luck at all, she'll drive Cheryl into bankruptcy, and she'll have to sell her house and move.  

With the (possible) exception of driving Cheryl into bankruptcy, I actually think this is a really REALLY good idea...

[supernova]

All right, but remember, you asked. 

Two ladies are sitting down for tea on the porch of a magnificent Southern home.  Before the hostess can get started on the weather, the guest begins bragging.

Guest:  "Just look at this huge diamond ring my husband bought me!  It was twenty thousand dollars."
Hostess:  (lovely Southern drawl)  "Well!  How nice!"
Guest:  "My husband also bought me a floor length mink and a brand new car!"
Hostess:  "How nice!"
Guest:  "And next year he says he's taking me to Europe for a month, to go clothes shopping!"
Hostess:  "How nice!"
Guest:  "So...  what did your husband buy you?"
Hostess:  "Oh, mah husband sent me to finishin' school!"
Guest:  "Finishing school?  What's so great about finishing school?"
Hostess:  "Well, fuh one thing, it taught me how to say 'How nice!' instead of '(expletive) you'!"

To this day, whenever some new acquaintance at a party starts gushing about what they bought or how much they spent to an extreme, I'll smile and say "How nice!" with just a hint of a genteel Southern drawl.  No one but me knows what it means, but it feels sooooo good...   

     - saphie

[IndianInlaw]

When my son was little, we were on the bus.  A lady across the aisle had a toddler the same age as my son.  For some reason she felt compelled to tell me (in a loud voice) that her daughter was potty trained.

I refrained from saying my son could open combination locks.  He couldn't, but it was what I thought of.

[willow08]

badchemist,
She would celebrate when bad things happened to you? Like she start dancing around and sing, "Your  car broke down, lalalala." ? Please elaborate.

[ZipTheWonder]

A lady across the aisle had a toddler the same age as my son.  For some reason she felt compelled to tell me (in a loud voice) that her daughter was potty trained.

Fantasy Reply #2:  "She used to foop her pants ???  Mine's never done that.  Thank goodness you were able to get a handle on it."

[IndianInlaw]

Good grief, if you want to foray into the world of egregious etiquette, take the bus.    You won't be disappointed.  Once, someone at the front of the bus, described their surgery to a person at the back of the bus.   I asked them to cut it out, as they were disturbing my kid.

[Suze]

All right, but remember, you asked. 

Two ladies are sitting down for tea on the porch of a magnificent Southern home.  Before the hostess can get started on the weather, the guest begins bragging.

<really good joke snipped>

To this day, whenever some new acquaintance at a party starts gushing about what they bought or how much they spent to an extreme, I'll smile and say "How nice!" with just a hint of a genteel Southern drawl.  No one but me knows what it means, but it feels sooooo good...  

     - saphie

And Remember people who mean well should be drug out into the street and shot.

Ever notice most of our "problems" in life start out with a person who "ment well"

If you tell this to a few friends, when someone is hasseling you, you can look at one of the ones "in the know" and tell them --- well, they ment well.

said very dead pan  -- you can usually collapse a person with stiffled giggles.

[ShadesOfGrey]

Tammy has a neighbor named Cheryl who has two kids the same age as Tammy's. (15 year old son and 9 year old daughter). Also, Cheryl's husband and Tammy's are both into the same sort of things. (watching football, golf, electronics). Tammy noticed shortly after Cheryl and her family moved in next door, that suddenly everything Tammy's family had or got, Cheryl started aquiring for her family. Examples: Tammy bought her daughter heelies-two weeks later, Cheryl's daughter got heelies. Tammy bought the kids some name brand 'in style' jackets. The next day, Cheryl bought them for her kids. Tammy said a few days ago she ran into Cheryl at a store while she was buying her son an ipod for his birthday. Cheryl asked who it was for so Tammy said it was for her son's birthday. Cheryl then got the salesperson to open the case again and got one as well for her son, telling Tammy, "not to worry, she wouldn't give her son the ipod until after Tammy's son got his."

Tammy says this has carried over to grades as well. Every time report cards come out, Cheryl makes an excuse to come over and starts fishing for what Tammy's kids made. Tammy says her whole face seems to light up if one of hers makes better on something than Tammy's. Cheryl was even caught leafing through some graded papers Tammy's son left sitting on the computer desk one day.

If Tammy's husband gets a new electronic gadget, Cheryl's husband gets on too, usually because Cheryl went out and bought it. If Tammy's husbands gets tickets to a game, Cheryl tries to get them for her husband too, only better seats. Tammy's husband gets a new golf club, Cheryl buys her husband two.

Tammy said she repainted her son's room recently and put down new carpet. Cheryl took one look at his room and the next week her son's room was repainted, new carpet and new furniture. Tammy bought new living room furniture a few months ago, and Cheryl went out and bought the SAME furniture. (with a few extra pieces, of course)

Tammy got diamond earrings for Christmas this year. When Cheryl asked what she got and Tammy showed her, Cheryl looked directly at her husband and said she wanted some but her's had better be a carat larger. Right in front of Tammy! Tammy's family went and adopted a puppy from the pound. Cheryl went out and bought a purebred pup. Tammy says the last three trips they've taken, no little than a week later, Cheryl's family has gone to the same place, but of course stayed in more expensive hotels, ate at better restaurants, etc.

This has gone on for a while and applies to every single thing Tammy and her family has bought or anywhere they've went. Every single thing. Of course, Tammy got wise to Cheryl and does everything she can to avoid telling Cheryl anything, but the kids all like each other and play together, the two husbands get along fairly well and talk 'over the fence' often, and Tammy says she's gotten where she hates to go outside because Cheryl seems to be lying in wait for her and is very pushy about asking questions. She practically runs to her car. And she says now it seems like she's got the kids asking questions for her.

Tammy doesn't want to be ugly to Cheryl because 1)they are neighbors and have to live by them 2) the kids are friends and 3) the whole thing seems sort of petty when you tell it to others and makes Tammy look like the bad guy. But really, she says the whole thing is starting to creep her out. She said she felt like taking out a restraining order when Cheryl showed up in the gourmet cooking class she's taking last night. She says she doesn't want to be in 'competition' with Cheryl, but Cheryl doesn't seem to be willing to accept that Tammy isn't playing.

So, how far is this sort of behavior just 'silly' and when does it become offensive? And what do you do about it if you DON'T want to be nasty to someone?

It's not criminal, but definitely creepy.  I think the whole family needs to present a united front and limit the time spent with these neighbors and the amount of information given to these neighbors.  Tammy and DH need to have a serious talk and agree to not let details slip to either Cheryl or the husband.  Yes this means that the husband, son, and mother need to retract their relationships.  No, it is not rude in this case.  Yes it may hurt the son a little, but he's young and agile and will rebound quickly.  If Cheryl or her kids continue to pump Tammy's kids/hubby for info, better to retract than let Tammy's son or hubby feed the fire until it does get too creepy to live with.  JMO

Good luck to your friend.

[thebadchemist]

badchemist,
She would celebrate when bad things happened to you? Like she start dancing around and sing, "Your  car broke down, lalalala." ? Please elaborate.

Haha! I wish! That way I could have told her "(expletive) you!" a lot sooner. No, she was just happy when I was unhappy. Not subtly happy, but smiling, cheerful, humming happy. She would also pretend to offer sympathy, but would literally sound gleeful. So, no, there was no champagne/confetti, but she was obviously happy when bad things happened to me. Whenever I received a bad grade, gained weight (she loved every extra pound I packed on), or went through a tough time in life, she would make a point of letting me know that she did better. This was the girl who was happy (and completely unsupportive) when BF and I were going through a terrible patch. I'd call her crying and she'd tell me "Oh, I'll call you back." and never did. My best friend for 10 years... yeah... I know, I don't know why I stuck with her all that time. I was 12 when we met and senior year, I decided we were done. We ended up going to the same university and I thought she had changed, but it's sad... she's the exact same as she was in HS.

She never figured out why our friendship ended. The second time around, I ended it at graduation from college by just phasing myself out of her life. She never asked why and tried to wring it out of mutual friends. I ran into her during my graduate program and kept it superficial. She started all the old stuff again. Bought stuff that I had, tried to one-up me in classes, etc. Only this time, I didn't let her get to me and I didn't play the game. Then, instead of being frustrating or enraging, I just started to laugh every time she became agitated when I earned a higher grade. The take-home lesson: I will always be happier with myself and my life... that's something she can't take from me nor can she beat me at it. If she could "beat" me at it, then we'd probably be friends.

[Tagy]

I feel for Tammy! She really should discover a newfound love of Elvis and do one room in her house in a Graceland theme.

Too funny!  She could recreate the jungle room! 

[Sandi Papaya]

When my son was little, we were on the bus.  A lady across the aisle had a toddler the same age as my son.  For some reason she felt compelled to tell me (in a loud voice) that her daughter was potty trained.

I refrained from saying my son could open combination locks.  He couldn't, but it was what I thought of.

You could have pointed out that girls tend to skew younger in terms of potty training anyway. No big. *shrugs*

[sammycat]

No, she was just happy when I was unhappy

This "friend" must have had absolutely zero self esteem to be acting this way.

She never figured out why our friendship ended

Just over a year ago I cut off a toxic "friend".  We had been friends for 18 months - 2 years and things were so bad I had just had to cut her off, period.  Mind you I was just the latest in a long line of people who had had to do this to her over many years and you'd think she'd start to look at herself when this became a regular pattern.  But no.  In the last year, the 2 people she hooked up with to replace me have had to cut her off as well.  Some people just never learn.  Like your ex friend mine seemed to gain pleasure out of others' misfortune and could never focus on what she did have, only what she perceived everyone else to have.

Sorry to go OT.

[kethria]

I read this today in Annie's Mailbox, and thought of this post...

Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Royally Annoyed," whose co-worker, "Gina," imitates her mannerisms, dress, accessories and verbal expressions.

My daughter has Asperger's Syndrome (high-functioning autism), and for 19 years, I didn't know it. I would say something, and she would repeat it as if it were her original thought. People with autism sometimes mimic others. It is not intentional. Living with someone who has Asperger's Syndrome has helped me be more understanding and judge less. I hope "Royally Annoyed" can be more compassionate toward Gina. — Lubbock, Texas

Dear Lubbock: Several readers suggested Gina may have Asperger's, and if this is the case, we, too, hope "Royally Annoyed" can be more tolerant.