Author Topic: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?  (Read 29552 times)

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LadyPekoe

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What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« on: October 12, 2011, 03:35:15 PM »
It's constantly brought up that certain points are "not the point of the folder".  So what is?  Because, frankly, I think that sometimes a little bluntness is required when somebody either seems to be making something up or causing a lot of their own problems (and seem totally not self-aware about it).


« Last Edit: October 12, 2011, 05:21:35 PM by LadyPekoe »
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rashea

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2011, 03:42:38 PM »
I tend to see it as a place where you can get a hug or get some gentle advice. I do tend to be softer in this folder than any other, even if I'm giving a kick in the pants. I think if I'm not willing to do that, I just move on. If everyone did that, I suspect some threads would just be ignored.
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PeasNCues

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2011, 03:43:25 PM »
I think sometimes that it can become difficult with repeat offenders, if you know what I mean. Or, when people are essentially causing their own issues without taking any of the blame for it.

In other words, I don't think people should come here looking for sympathy and vindication. I think they should get sympathetic constructive criticism or even sympathetic clue by fours applied with as a emotive a touch as possible  :)
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rashea

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2011, 03:44:42 PM »
And if it's in this folder, when I get to that point with someone, I tend to just put them on mental ignore. It's not worth the drama to me, but your mileage may vary.
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penelope2017

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2011, 03:46:24 PM »
I view the purpose of this folder as support. A place I would go if I needed a friend.

Sometimes, the words from a friend, and support, are not all patting on the back and telling you what you want to hear. So I don't think the purpose of this folder is to entirely agree with every poster and validate their source of needing hugs. Sometimes support means bluntly telling htem the truth, especially when the same issue keeps coming up.

In other words, I look at this folder as a place to seek friendship and be a friend. That's what I'm trying to do.

PeasNCues

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2011, 03:49:58 PM »
And if it's in this folder, when I get to that point with someone, I tend to just put them on mental ignore. It's not worth the drama to me, but your mileage may vary.

True, I think it's a mix of people getting fed up and people really trying to be helpful (because, "there, there you poor dear" can only go so far in helping someone who is repeatedly making the same errors).

And, yes, some people like the drama.  ;)

But I don't think people should come here and expect it to be critic-free just because of the folder name. If you need a hug because of your own actions, I think posters should be able to call you on that, while offering sympathy.
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SiotehCat

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2011, 03:50:24 PM »
I view the purpose of this folder as support. A place I would go if I needed a friend.

Sometimes, the words from a friend, and support, are not all patting on the back and telling you what you want to hear. So I don't think the purpose of this folder is to entirely agree with every poster and validate their source of needing hugs. Sometimes support means bluntly telling htem the truth, especially when the same issue keeps coming up.

In other words, I look at this folder as a place to seek friendship and be a friend. That's what I'm trying to do.

This is what I think also.

bah12

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2011, 03:53:09 PM »
For me, the purpose of this folder is for people to post problems/news that are upsetting to them and where they aren't necessarily looking for anything more than some friendly support.

If I feel that someone is causing their own trouble and need a kick in the pants, I try to be gentle in giving that advice here...like I would if I was trying to help a friend..  I feel that sometimes people know that their feelings aren't justified or they helped cause their situation and just want some sympathy without judgement.
Some people are a bit too needy in that department, so when they post here, I ignore them.

LadyPekoe

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #8 on: October 12, 2011, 04:15:24 PM »
I'm not particularly gentle with my friends, though.

Let's say my friend is losing business at her small business BUT she's only been working at it 8-10 hours a week recently because she's pregnant when she used to work 40-60 hours a week.  And she doesn't seem to see the connection.

First time complaining--I'm sympathetic

Second time complaining--I'm less sympathetic

Third time complaining--I point out that it probably has something to do with the decreased focus she is paying to her small business. 

Or, using myself:

I complain about my allergies in this folder.  But sometimes it's because I ate food I'm allergic to, knowingly.  I can't blame people who mention that is stupid, because it certainly is. 

When you cause your own problems and admit?  TOTALLY sympathetic, we are all idiots sometimes.  When you seem to be causing your own problems but blaming everything else?  I would point that out to a friend.  So if we are really treating people like friends here...
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MrsJWine

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2011, 04:24:14 PM »
I don't think it's a terrible thing to offer suggestions when it seems that recurring problems are self-inflicted. But if the person refuses to listen or see their own role in the issue, I think the thing to do is to take it to PM or ignore.

I'm torn sometimes, though. I've been here for a few years, so I've noticed a few posters have habits and ways of thinking that keep getting them into bad situations over and over again. But if I didn't know that, and I came here as an outsider or newbie and saw a dogpile in the hugs folder, it might make me apprehensive of continuing here.

On the other hand, it's very frustrating to see newer people getting caught up in someone's sad saga and investing emotional energy in someone who will likely be back in the same position in two weeks. I try not to get too invested in people on the Internet myself (groups as a whole; I've formed pretty strong friendships with individuals), but it's hard to be any kind of community without some level of trust and support. I think repeat offenders damage that (compassion fatigue), but I also think jumping on people without some explanation or gentleness--even if you feel it's not warranted--makes for a hostile environment from a newbie's perspective.

I hope that all makes sense. It was a jumble in my head, and it seems only slightly less jumbled now.

ETA: By "gentleness," I don't mean "coddling." I mean speaking hard truths while aiming for a kind tone and some diplomacy.


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jimithing

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2011, 04:26:34 PM »
LP, I was just about to start a thread about this very issue in the Forum Announcements. I agree with penelope's assessment. This isn't the "I Need a Hug Without Any Questions Or Advice Given" folder.

And I think that often when posters aren't looking for anything but validation, it could be seen as a vent or rant, which is against the rules, or they post here in order to circumvent the other aspects of other parts of the board. .

Just Lori

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2011, 04:28:40 PM »
One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  But I also think you need to consider ...."

I think that's a good way to approach people in this thread.  Validate their feelings, give them a cyber hug, and gently ask them to consider looking at possible solutions.

I think it's human nature to want to help people get past what's hurting them.

SiotehCat

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #12 on: October 12, 2011, 04:28:50 PM »
Maybe this should be moved to the Forum Announcements section? I think more people would see it there.

Ms_Cellany

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2011, 04:32:13 PM »
One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  But I also think you need to consider ...."


The Sweetie has taught me by example that it's gentler to use "I love you, and" instead of "I love you, but:"

One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  And I also think you need to consider ...."

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jimithing

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #14 on: October 12, 2011, 04:36:38 PM »
One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  But I also think you need to consider ...."


The Sweetie has taught me by example that it's gentler to use "I love you, and" instead of "I love you, but:"

One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  And I also think you need to consider ...."

This is something we learned in Social Work 101. The "but" generally will negate the nice statement before it, no matter how kind it is.