Author Topic: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?  (Read 30103 times)

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DuBois

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #15 on: October 12, 2011, 04:55:03 PM »


I don't think people should be too harsh in this folder, personally. I sometimes think people can be a little harsh on the OP, in the main folder. There certainly isn't a place for that here.(IMO) I think if people are using it incorrectly to vent, it is better to report than try to wrangle with them. I realise I'm in the minority here, somewhat, but while constuctive advice is good, I think people should check themselves more than in the main folders. 

leafeater

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #16 on: October 12, 2011, 04:55:30 PM »
One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  But I also think you need to consider ...."


The Sweetie has taught me by example that it's gentler to use "I love you, and" instead of "I love you, but:"

One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  And I also think you need to consider ...."

This is awesome and I'm going to start doing it in real life.

LadyPekoe

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #17 on: October 12, 2011, 05:10:08 PM »
Maybe this should be moved to the Forum Announcements section? I think more people would see it there.

Thanks, SC!  That actually made a lot more sense.  I don't think I'm great at categorizing my posts, sometimes :)
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Ms_Cellany

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
« Reply #18 on: October 12, 2011, 05:12:20 PM »
One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  But I also think you need to consider ...."


The Sweetie has taught me by example that it's gentler to use "I love you, and" instead of "I love you, but:"

One of my good friends will sometimes say, "You know that I love you and I support you 100 percent.  And I also think you need to consider ...."

This is awesome and I'm going to start doing it in real life.

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Lynn2000

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
« Reply #19 on: October 12, 2011, 05:16:38 PM »
I don't read the "I need a hug" folder too much. My impression was that it would contain a lot of drama, and/or genuinely sad, upsetting things happening to people... illness, losing a job, that kind of thing. I figured the OPs weren't really asking for opinions so much as sympathy, and maybe sympathetic advice like, "This happened to me last year. Here's how I dealt with it. Maybe this will help you."

These impressions of mine (which may be erroneous) led me to be surprised when I started hearing about people being too harsh on OPs in the Hugs folder. I didn't imagine people there were using the same "voice" as they used in the etiquette folders, where they might say, "I think X that you did was wrong for these reasons. Next time I think you should..." I think in the etiquette folders it ought to be understood that the tide of opinion may turn against the OP and call their actions rude; but I imagined that in the Hugs folder that really didn't happen much.

I guess I kind of figured it was the place where you said nice things or said nothing at all, you know? And since I'm not so good at NOT pointing out when people seem to be making their own problems, I figured my input would not be in keeping with the spirit of the folder.

That's just my impressions of the Hugs folder, which may be worth very little since I don't frequent it. Obviously I have no idea if this is the way it "ought" to be or not, I'm just saying what I had imagined of it. :)
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Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
« Reply #20 on: October 12, 2011, 05:21:30 PM »
 It's one thing to hear some hard truths from a close friend, who knows and loves you. It's another thing when it comes from someone you don't really know. We are essentially strangers here, and if the hard truths don't come hand in hand with years of love and friendship it can just seem mean.

I've seen posts in the hug folder that manage to effectively combine care, concern, and constructive criticism. I've also seen posts that leave out the care and concern, and just leave the criticism. There is a line there, and it does get crossed sometimes.

jimithing

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
« Reply #21 on: October 12, 2011, 05:30:54 PM »
It's one thing to hear some hard truths from a close friend, who knows and loves you. It's another thing when it comes from someone you don't really know. We are essentially strangers here, and if the hard truths don't come hand in hand with years of love and friendship it can just seem mean.

I've seen posts in the hug folder that manage to effectively combine care, concern, and constructive criticism. I've also seen posts that leave out the care and concern, and just leave the criticism. There is a line there, and it does get crossed sometimes.

I know I tend to much more unsympathetic towards posters who might be taking advantage of the INAH folder. I am thinking of one poster, who I think has been banned now, who was constantly posting about problems in her life, which continued to be the same kind of problems, with just all different people. And she couldn't admit that perhaps that some her of behaviors were contributing to her problems.

When a poster like that posts in the INAH folder over and over again, I feel like they are playing on people's good nature and milking the board for something we are not. We are a supportive board, but we aren't a support board, if that makes sense.

LadyL

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
« Reply #22 on: October 12, 2011, 05:38:34 PM »
It's one thing to hear some hard truths from a close friend, who knows and loves you. It's another thing when it comes from someone you don't really know. We are essentially strangers here, and if the hard truths don't come hand in hand with years of love and friendship it can just seem mean.

I've seen posts in the hug folder that manage to effectively combine care, concern, and constructive criticism. I've also seen posts that leave out the care and concern, and just leave the criticism. There is a line there, and it does get crossed sometimes.

I know I tend to much more unsympathetic towards posters who might be taking advantage of the INAH folder. I am thinking of one poster, who I think has been banned now, who was constantly posting about problems in her life, which continued to be the same kind of problems, with just all different people. And she couldn't admit that perhaps that some her of behaviors were contributing to her problems.

When a poster like that posts in the INAH folder over and over again, I feel like they are playing on people's good nature and milking the board for something we are not. We are a supportive board, but we aren't a support board, if that makes sense.

I wonder if there could be a policy where offenders like you described were reported and put on some sort of "Hugs folder time out" where they couldn't post for, say, a week. Similar to how some threads are locked and the mods suggest the OP get counseling/legal advice/etc. because their problems go beyond the scope of the board.

One thing that I do not think the folder should be for is any sort of group counseling type environment. When someone posts the same things over and over it's hard for it to not turn into that.

Scritzy

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
« Reply #23 on: October 12, 2011, 06:11:29 PM »
I agree with jimithing to a point. I have seen several people list the same problems every time in a very dramatic way. As far as I know, the ones of whom I'm thinking aren't around anymore. But I haven't been unsympathetic, unless you count my not posting in the threads at all as unsympathetic.

Believe me, I have enough drama in my life right now to be posting three times a day, every day, but I don't want to be a drama queen. If it's something catastrophic, you will know about it; otherwise I don't feel like emptying my whineybucket all over the forum. 

Edited to change a word.
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Surianne

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #24 on: October 12, 2011, 06:38:58 PM »


I don't think people should be too harsh in this folder, personally. I sometimes think people can be a little harsh on the OP, in the main folder. There certainly isn't a place for that here.(IMO) I think if people are using it incorrectly to vent, it is better to report than try to wrangle with them. I realise I'm in the minority here, somewhat, but while constuctive advice is good, I think people should check themselves more than in the main folders.

This is how I see it too.  I think part of it for me is that I personally am a pretty blunt poster at times, so I like to be extra careful not to take that into the Hugs forum.  A post that to me seems just rational and factual can come across to someone else as too much, so better safe than sorry in a forum where people are already emotionally raw. 

I can understand the need to gently call someone on repeated behaviour, but I leave that to posters who are better at that, and I just ignore the threads where I think the OP is being overly dramatic.

Aeris

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
« Reply #25 on: October 12, 2011, 07:02:35 PM »
<snip>
I've seen posts in the hug folder that manage to effectively combine care, concern, and constructive criticism. I've also seen posts that leave out the care and concern, and just leave the criticism. There is a line there, and it does get crossed sometimes.

I agree with this. I don't think every post needs to be validating, hand-holding and devoid of constructive criticism and advice. But there are a number of ways the exact.same advice can be proffered.

There may well be need for some gentle advice and criticism, but there's no need to be *harsh*, or mean, and I have definitely seen some posts in INAH that are both.

guihong

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #26 on: October 12, 2011, 07:22:39 PM »
I see the INAH as two types of posts:

1. Events that are out of our control-death, severe illness, natural disasters.

2. Events and situations in which we have choices to some extent-jobs, kids, relatives, sometimes our health.

If I'm responding to a #1, of course I send my condolences, because really, what else is there to do?

Occasionally, in a #2, I might say "I send my thoughts, and have you considered x, y and z in this situation?

As for me, in any post, if I'm not seeing something or thinking clearly, I want someone to say "Gui, you're not helping yourself here; have you thought of doing a, b or c".



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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #27 on: October 12, 2011, 07:26:17 PM »
I think most people start out being gentle and considerate, and have the best of intentions.   Honestly though, it does get hard when lots of people write in with good or helpful suggestions, and the OP replies to each one of them with why that won't work, or why the people offering advice are wrong.  That kind of posting style can wear out some people's patience and compassion pretty quickly.

MacadamiaNut

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #28 on: October 12, 2011, 08:53:47 PM »
Newbie here, and as such I can't offer much experience with this folder but I can offer what *I* originally thought it was for if it helps any.  My impression was that this folder was *not* for getting advice, like NONE, NADA, ZILCH.  It was an off-topic folder that one can go to if all they needed was to vent.  The term "I need a hug", I took as literally singular.  So if I went in there, just to get my feelings out, I would think many people might read my post but I would not expect more than one hug.  Once I got that, I'd be good because the whole point was for me to get my feelings out.  A bunch of people I don't know giving me virtual hugs with no other words attached isn't going to help (speaking just for myself here and note that I now get the impression many people here are friends - but for purposes of this post, just sticking to what my *original* thoughts were). 

What I did think might be helpful in that folder is if others share their own experience and perhaps sympathize or provide some words of encouragement, so the poster does not feel alone or feel like they are the only ones who have ever been through XYZ.  I also didn't think it was only for sad situations where one might need a hug.  For example, I thought it may be a place to go and even vent anger about something if that's what OP needed.

Now... I *have* viewed some posts in there since joining (and I have replied on one or two) but I have noticed that the *hugs* replies are just that one word:  "Hugs" in some format or another and there are multiple of them.  Which is nice but how many are needed?... is what I wonder.

Now... I'm actually just confused by the folder too, which is my motivation for joining this thread.  I guess I need to learn more about it before I go sauntering over there again!  In closing, I'd like to say, thanks very much LadyPekoe, for starting this thread!   :)
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kareng57

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder? (I Need a Hug)
« Reply #29 on: October 12, 2011, 09:28:44 PM »
It's one thing to hear some hard truths from a close friend, who knows and loves you. It's another thing when it comes from someone you don't really know. We are essentially strangers here, and if the hard truths don't come hand in hand with years of love and friendship it can just seem mean.

I've seen posts in the hug folder that manage to effectively combine care, concern, and constructive criticism. I've also seen posts that leave out the care and concern, and just leave the criticism. There is a line there, and it does get crossed sometimes.

I know I tend to much more unsympathetic towards posters who might be taking advantage of the INAH folder. I am thinking of one poster, who I think has been banned now, who was constantly posting about problems in her life, which continued to be the same kind of problems, with just all different people. And she couldn't admit that perhaps that some her of behaviors were contributing to her problems.

When a poster like that posts in the INAH folder over and over again, I feel like they are playing on people's good nature and milking the board for something we are not. We are a supportive board, but we aren't a support board, if that makes sense.

I wonder if there could be a policy where offenders like you described were reported and put on some sort of "Hugs folder time out" where they couldn't post for, say, a week. Similar to how some threads are locked and the mods suggest the OP get counseling/legal advice/etc. because their problems go beyond the scope of the board.

One thing that I do not think the folder should be for is any sort of group counseling type environment. When someone posts the same things over and over it's hard for it to not turn into that.


That could be an idea, but I don't know whether the mods can instantly identify the same-old, same-old threads in the INAH folder.  Even if they could - for example if someone reported them - it probably wouldn't win them many popularity points (not that that's why they're here, of course).  There are always a lot of new members on this forum who might not recognise the history of a chronic-INAH poster and could conclude "how mean!"