Author Topic: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?  (Read 30044 times)

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LiveLoveLearn

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #30 on: October 13, 2011, 10:10:03 AM »
I usually just offer support, and I'm very selective about who/what I offer, although I do usually read everything.  However, in a recent thread, I couldn't sit by and listen to the poster without saying something, because I've had the attitude she does and it did not get me any results.  It's not getting her results - this was not the first post about that exact scenerio.  I felt in this situation that constructive criticism was due.

HorseFreak

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #31 on: October 13, 2011, 12:32:01 PM »
I try not to be critical in that folder if I post at all, but as others have mentioned some situations do need a gentle push in the right direction.

For the serial "woe is me!" posters, I read their posts, shake my head and move on. Most of the really dramatic ones have left or been banned, but there are a few who have more issues than Time magazine and seem to find that folder to be THE place for head pats and a never-ending chorus of, "Don't be down- you're awesome!" instead of seeking professional help. I sometimes I feel like a few people use EHell to enable them and that's not right.

HermioneGranger

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #32 on: October 13, 2011, 01:40:04 PM »
I try not to be critical in that folder if I post at all, but as others have mentioned some situations do need a gentle push in the right direction.

For the serial "woe is me!" posters, I read their posts, shake my head and move on. Most of the really dramatic ones have left or been banned, but there are a few who have more issues than Time magazine and seem to find that folder to be THE place for head pats and a never-ending chorus of, "Don't be down- you're awesome!" instead of seeking professional help. I sometimes I feel like a few people use EHell to enable them and that's not right.

1.  I'm going to steal that quote.  2.  I agree with your post, totally. 

MacadamiaNut

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #33 on: October 13, 2011, 01:54:09 PM »
I try not to be critical in that folder if I post at all, but as others have mentioned some situations do need a gentle push in the right direction.

For the serial "woe is me!" posters, I read their posts, shake my head and move on. Most of the really dramatic ones have left or been banned, but there are a few who have more issues than Time magazine and seem to find that folder to be THE place for head pats and a never-ending chorus of, "Don't be down- you're awesome!" instead of seeking professional help. I sometimes I feel like a few people use EHell to enable them and that's not right.

1.  I'm going to steal that quote.  2.  I agree with your post, totally.

Ditto re: the quote!  LOVE it!!   :)
Paperweights, for instance - has anyone ever established what, when, and why
paper has to be weighed down? ::) ~Don Aslett

kingsrings

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #34 on: October 13, 2011, 02:02:51 PM »


I don't think people should be too harsh in this folder, personally. I sometimes think people can be a little harsh on the OP, in the main folder. There certainly isn't a place for that here.(IMO) I think if people are using it incorrectly to vent, it is better to report than try to wrangle with them. I realise I'm in the minority here, somewhat, but while constuctive advice is good, I think people should check themselves more than in the main folders.

I agree with this. Too often, Iíve seen that folder seem more like ďIím gonna give you a kick in the pantsĒ than what itís titled. I know Iíve experienced that firsthand in the past as well! Some posters seem to be taking it as some twisted oppty. to kick someone when theyíre down rather than to give a hug. If youíre going to give criticism, make sure itís constructive and gentle, and focused solely on the problem at hand, not anything else. 

DuBois

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #35 on: October 13, 2011, 02:47:31 PM »


I see that E-hell Dame has weighed in on a thread currently on INAH. She is of the opinion that too many people use the folder for trivial matters. I'm afraid that I have certainly been guilty of that in the past. That said, there is nothing in the rules that says that the folder is only for major events, so if that is a rule, I think it needs to be made clear.

Solanna Dryden

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #36 on: October 13, 2011, 02:52:31 PM »
I actually love getting constructive criticism in I Need a Hug. It makes me feel good that people are thinking my situation over, and taking time out of their day to come up with possible solutions for me. I shows me that they really do care, enough to want to make the situation better, and by extension, make me feel better.

That's my take on it, anyway.

Edited: I actually hate EHellDame's assertion that people are using the folder for matters that are too trivial. That just seems unnecessarily cruel. Yes, having a bad day is not on the same magnitude as a pet or loved on dying, or losing a job, etc. But you know what? Sometimes having a bad day feels like your whole world is ending. I've been there, I'm sure we all have. Sometimes, you just need someone there to hear you out, and affirm that yes, it sucks right now, but tomorrow will be better. Or give you some advice to dig yourself out of the hole your in; to break your tunnel vision, you know what I mean? To have someone come in and say that your bad day is too trivial, that jut seems really mean. It reminds me of those people who say, "How dare you complain about a paper cut, there's people out there who have no arms!"
« Last Edit: October 13, 2011, 02:57:03 PM by Citizen G'Kar »
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Ligeia

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #37 on: October 13, 2011, 02:54:19 PM »


I don't think people should be too harsh in this folder, personally. I sometimes think people can be a little harsh on the OP, in the main folder. There certainly isn't a place for that here.(IMO) I think if people are using it incorrectly to vent, it is better to report than try to wrangle with them. I realise I'm in the minority here, somewhat, but while constuctive advice is good, I think people should check themselves more than in the main folders.

I agree with this. Too often, Iíve seen that folder seem more like ďIím gonna give you a kick in the pantsĒ than what itís titled. I know Iíve experienced that firsthand in the past as well! Some posters seem to be taking it as some twisted oppty. to kick someone when theyíre down rather than to give a hug. If youíre going to give criticism, make sure itís constructive and gentle, and focused solely on the problem at hand, not anything else.

I really haven't seen that at all; I think when people provide constructive criticism in that folder, they really are trying to be, well, constructive.  In a recent INAH thread, the OP had a problem that seemed quite easily solvable--so by presenting solutions to her, the other posters thought they were helping her out of the situation for which she wanted hugs.  When the OP responded that she only wanted sympathy, not solutions, of course other posters had trouble giving that to her: it's really hard to feel sorry for someone who seems unwilling to help themselves.  I didn't see anyone getting snippy or crossing any boundaries.

I haven't been here in a while, but what I've gleaned from all the locked and deleted threads is that the board seems to be divided into two camps: those who feel they should be able to call out rudeness/ridiculousness/trolling in other posters, and those who feel any sort of calling out is rude and mean.  I'm firmly in the former camp: I really think it's pointless to pretend posters are perfectly justified in everything they say and do when they're clearly not.  But I also think it's very important that those who question posters or ask them to look at themselves do so in a polite way.
« Last Edit: October 13, 2011, 03:00:29 PM by Ligeia »

Yvaine

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #38 on: October 13, 2011, 03:02:59 PM »


I don't think people should be too harsh in this folder, personally. I sometimes think people can be a little harsh on the OP, in the main folder. There certainly isn't a place for that here.(IMO) I think if people are using it incorrectly to vent, it is better to report than try to wrangle with them. I realise I'm in the minority here, somewhat, but while constuctive advice is good, I think people should check themselves more than in the main folders.

I agree with this. Too often, Iíve seen that folder seem more like ďIím gonna give you a kick in the pantsĒ than what itís titled. I know Iíve experienced that firsthand in the past as well! Some posters seem to be taking it as some twisted oppty. to kick someone when theyíre down rather than to give a hug. If youíre going to give criticism, make sure itís constructive and gentle, and focused solely on the problem at hand, not anything else.

I really haven't seen that at all; I think when people provide constructive criticism in that thread, they really are trying to be, well, constructive.  In a recent INAH thread, the OP had a problem that seemed quite easily solvable--so by presenting solutions to her, the other posters thought they were helping her out of the situation for which she wanted hugs.  When the OP responded that she only wanted sympathy, not solutions, of course other posters had trouble giving that to her: it's really hard to feel sorry for someone who seems unwilling to help themselves.  I didn't see anyone getting snippy or crossing any boundaries.

I haven't been here in a while, but what I've gleaned from all the locked and deleted threads is that the board seems to be divided into two camps: those who feel they should be able to call out rudeness/ridiculousness/trolling in other posters, and those who feel any sort of calling out is rude and mean.  I'm firmly in the former camp: I really think it's pointless to pretend posters are perfectly justified in everything they say and do when they're clearly not.  But I also think it's very important that those who question posters or ask them to look at themselves do so in a polite way.

I have seen INAH threads get critical and off topic, though. One that comes to mind involved a woman whose doctor was rude about her weight, and it spiraled down into lectures about how it's bad to be overweight. When, really, the issue wasn't even that the doctor brought it up in a health-related context but that the doctor was vicious and cruel (and also unhelpful) and the poster just needed some dingdangity hugs.

(I think this is why I've seen a lot of weight-related posts with disclaimers like "BG: I'm overweight. I know it and I'm trying to change it. I don't want this to turn into another thread about how bad it is.")

DuBois

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Re: What is the purpose of this folder?
« Reply #39 on: October 13, 2011, 03:08:02 PM »


I don't think people should be too harsh in this folder, personally. I sometimes think people can be a little harsh on the OP, in the main folder. There certainly isn't a place for that here.(IMO) I think if people are using it incorrectly to vent, it is better to report than try to wrangle with them. I realise I'm in the minority here, somewhat, but while constuctive advice is good, I think people should check themselves more than in the main folders.

I agree with this. Too often, Iíve seen that folder seem more like ďIím gonna give you a kick in the pantsĒ than what itís titled. I know Iíve experienced that firsthand in the past as well! Some posters seem to be taking it as some twisted oppty. to kick someone when theyíre down rather than to give a hug. If youíre going to give criticism, make sure itís constructive and gentle, and focused solely on the problem at hand, not anything else.

I really haven't seen that at all; I think when people provide constructive criticism in that thread, they really are trying to be, well, constructive.  In a recent INAH thread, the OP had a problem that seemed quite easily solvable--so by presenting solutions to her, the other posters thought they were helping her out of the situation for which she wanted hugs.  When the OP responded that she only wanted sympathy, not solutions, of course other posters had trouble giving that to her: it's really hard to feel sorry for someone who seems unwilling to help themselves.  I didn't see anyone getting snippy or crossing any boundaries.

I haven't been here in a while, but what I've gleaned from all the locked and deleted threads is that the board seems to be divided into two camps: those who feel they should be able to call out rudeness/ridiculousness/trolling in other posters, and those who feel any sort of calling out is rude and mean.  I'm firmly in the former camp: I really think it's pointless to pretend posters are perfectly justified in everything they say and do when they're clearly not.  But I also think it's very important that those who question posters or ask them to look at themselves do so in a polite way.

I have seen INAH threads get critical and off topic, though. One that comes to mind involved a woman whose doctor was rude about her weight, and it spiraled down into lectures about how it's bad to be overweight. When, really, the issue wasn't even that the doctor brought it up in a health-related context but that the doctor was vicious and cruel (and also unhelpful) and the poster just needed some dingdangity hugs.

(I think this is why I've seen a lot of weight-related posts with disclaimers like "BG: I'm overweight. I know it and I'm trying to change it. I don't want this to turn into another thread about how bad it is.")

Unfortunately, I think that there is a lot of anti-fat feeling on e-hell, which saddens and annoys me. I wince when I see the kinds of things you describe, there is enough body shaming all over the internet as it is.

Ligeia

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #40 on: October 13, 2011, 03:35:27 PM »
Unfortunately, I think that there is a lot of anti-fat feeling on e-hell, which saddens and annoys me. I wince when I see the kinds of things you describe, there is enough body shaming all over the internet as it is.

I guess I don't read the board often enough, because I've honestly never seen any body shaming here.  It seems to me that many posters have posted about weight issues, and I've really only seen support given in response.  I'm not arguing with you guys, just saying that I'm surprised that people perceive "anti-fat feeling" here, simply because I haven't come across it.

In one of my earliest posts, I disagreed when someone basically said that healthy eating and exercise don't really lead to weight loss.  She didn't say they don't work for her; she implied they don't really work in general.  Wow, did I get lectured for saying that, barring health or metabolic issues, I thought healthy eating/exercise worked for most people.  I wasn't judging, nor did I think what I said was controversial in any possible way--yet many posters jumped all over me.  I was blindsided.  Is what I said the kind of thing that's considered "anti-fat feeling"?  I guess if there have been a lot of body shaming posts around here, the reaction makes more sense now--but seriously, that wasn't what I was doing in any conceivable way.  (Of course, this is OT, since I know that post was not in INAH.)

kingsrings

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #41 on: October 13, 2011, 03:39:50 PM »
I actually love getting constructive criticism in I Need a Hug. It makes me feel good that people are thinking my situation over, and taking time out of their day to come up with possible solutions for me. I shows me that they really do care, enough to want to make the situation better, and by extension, make me feel better.

That's my take on it, anyway.

Edited: I actually hate EHellDame's assertion that people are using the folder for matters that are too trivial. That just seems unnecessarily cruel. Yes, having a bad day is not on the same magnitude as a pet or loved on dying, or losing a job, etc. But you know what? Sometimes having a bad day feels like your whole world is ending. I've been there, I'm sure we all have. Sometimes, you just need someone there to hear you out, and affirm that yes, it sucks right now, but tomorrow will be better. Or give you some advice to dig yourself out of the hole your in; to break your tunnel vision, you know what I mean? To have someone come in and say that your bad day is too trivial, that jut seems really mean. It reminds me of those people who say, "How dare you complain about a paper cut, there's people out there who have no arms!"

ITA completely. And what is a major crisis or not is in the eye of the beholder, so I don't see the point of this unkind judgement to begin with. If it's going to be that way, then why not put up a list of rules outlining the types of crisises allowed then?? 

Yvaine

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #42 on: October 13, 2011, 03:44:38 PM »
Unfortunately, I think that there is a lot of anti-fat feeling on e-hell, which saddens and annoys me. I wince when I see the kinds of things you describe, there is enough body shaming all over the internet as it is.

I guess I don't read the board often enough, because I've honestly never seen any body shaming here.  It seems to me that many posters have posted about weight issues, and I've really only seen support given in response.  I'm not arguing with you guys, just saying that I'm surprised that people perceive "anti-fat feeling" here, simply because I haven't come across it.

In one of my earliest posts, I disagreed when someone basically said that healthy eating and exercise don't really lead to weight loss.  She didn't say they don't work for her; she implied they don't really work in general.  Wow, did I get lectured for saying that, barring health or metabolic issues, I thought healthy eating/exercise worked for most people.  I wasn't judging, nor did I think what I said was controversial in any possible way--yet many posters jumped all over me.  I was blindsided.  Is what I said the kind of thing that's considered "anti-fat feeling"?  I guess if there have been a lot of body shaming posts around here, the reaction makes more sense now--but seriously, that wasn't what I was doing in any conceivable way.  (Of course, this is OT, since I know that post was not in INAH.)

Well, I don't want to get into a debate about medicine or politics, as they could get us locked, but that poster's theory isn't a personal "for her" thing but is a tenet of the fat acceptance movement (or at least of a large contingent of it). It's the subject of a large and ongoing debate. Shapely Prose (though now on hiatus, their old posts remain extant) was a really good blog discussing the theory and many other issues surrounding weight.

The sense of an anti-fat feeling doesn't necessarily come from differing opinions on how weight loss works (a topic on which there's a new study every five minutes or so! lol) but from adding personal judgment to that. For example, there was a non-ehell blogger a while back who wrote a nasty, cruel screed about how everyone who hasn't lost weight is stupid, and there were ehellions who posted that they agreed with it. :(

DuBois

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #43 on: October 13, 2011, 03:45:55 PM »
Unfortunately, I think that there is a lot of anti-fat feeling on e-hell, which saddens and annoys me. I wince when I see the kinds of things you describe, there is enough body shaming all over the internet as it is.

I guess I don't read the board often enough, because I've honestly never seen any body shaming here.  It seems to me that many posters have posted about weight issues, and I've really only seen support given in response.  I'm not arguing with you guys, just saying that I'm surprised that people perceive "anti-fat feeling" here, simply because I haven't come across it.

In one of my earliest posts, I disagreed when someone basically said that healthy eating and exercise don't really lead to weight loss.  She didn't say they don't work for her; she implied they don't really work in general.  Wow, did I get lectured for saying that, barring health or metabolic issues, I thought healthy eating/exercise worked for most people.  I wasn't judging, nor did I think what I said was controversial in any possible way--yet many posters jumped all over me.  I was blindsided.  Is what I said the kind of thing that's considered "anti-fat feeling"?  I guess if there have been a lot of body shaming posts around here, the reaction makes more sense now--but seriously, that wasn't what I was doing in any conceivable way.  (Of course, this is OT, since I know that post was not in INAH.)

I didn't see that post, so I couldn't say. But there was a phase when it seemed that every post where someone complained that fat people were ill treated was either derailed by how thin people were worse treated (I have been slightly overweight, and way underweight, life was definitely easier as the latter) or people were lectured about health and being responisble. It just seemed very condescending to me.

DuBois

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #44 on: October 13, 2011, 03:48:49 PM »
Unfortunately, I think that there is a lot of anti-fat feeling on e-hell, which saddens and annoys me. I wince when I see the kinds of things you describe, there is enough body shaming all over the internet as it is.

I guess I don't read the board often enough, because I've honestly never seen any body shaming here.  It seems to me that many posters have posted about weight issues, and I've really only seen support given in response.  I'm not arguing with you guys, just saying that I'm surprised that people perceive "anti-fat feeling" here, simply because I haven't come across it.

In one of my earliest posts, I disagreed when someone basically said that healthy eating and exercise don't really lead to weight loss.  She didn't say they don't work for her; she implied they don't really work in general.  Wow, did I get lectured for saying that, barring health or metabolic issues, I thought healthy eating/exercise worked for most people.  I wasn't judging, nor did I think what I said was controversial in any possible way--yet many posters jumped all over me.  I was blindsided.  Is what I said the kind of thing that's considered "anti-fat feeling"?  I guess if there have been a lot of body shaming posts around here, the reaction makes more sense now--but seriously, that wasn't what I was doing in any conceivable way.  (Of course, this is OT, since I know that post was not in INAH.)

Well, I don't want to get into a debate about medicine or politics, as they could get us locked, but that poster's theory isn't a personal "for her" thing but is a tenet of the fat acceptance movement (or at least of a large contingent of it). It's the subject of a large and ongoing debate. Shapely Prose (though now on hiatus, their old posts remain extant) was a really good blog discussing the theory and many other issues surrounding weight.

The sense of an anti-fat feeling doesn't necessarily come from differing opinions on how weight loss works (a topic on which there's a new study every five minutes or so! lol) but from adding personal judgment to that. For example, there was a non-ehell blogger a while back who wrote a nasty, cruel screed about how everyone who hasn't lost weight is stupid, and there were ehellions who posted that they agreed with it. :(

I remember that post! It made my blood boil (this was back when I was lurking). I have also read SP, and love it. And you know what? I don't even care what the facts are about weight loss. People need to just quit judging. And on that note, I drop the subject, because as you say, I don't want to get into health/politics.