Author Topic: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?  (Read 28753 times)

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Yvaine

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #45 on: October 13, 2011, 03:54:14 PM »
I remember that post! It made my blood boil (this was back when I was lurking). I have also read SP, and love it. And you know what? I don't even care what the facts are about weight loss. People need to just quit judging. And on that note, I drop the subject, because as you say, I don't want to get into health/politics.

Yeah, that's the important thing for an etiquette board--whatever the science or the politics, there's treating people politely and treating people rudely, and we can treat people with civility and basic human respect even if we don't think they're making wise decisions.

And sure, in all kinds of matters (not just health, but jobs as mentioned earlier, or parenting, or whatever), sometimes there is a place to advise people on their decisions. But civility should still apply. I mean, there's no etiquette police, so there's nothing stopping us all from going around randomly criticizing people, but that doesn't make it polite.

lolane

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #46 on: October 13, 2011, 04:08:39 PM »
I read EHellDame's post in one of the INAH threads and while I agree that it can be hard to determine if one person's bad day is just a trivial thing or whether they really need hugs, I agree with the content of her post for the most part.

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #47 on: October 13, 2011, 04:20:07 PM »
I read EHellDame's post in one of the INAH threads and while I agree that it can be hard to determine if one person's bad day is just a trivial thing or whether they really need hugs, I agree with the content of her post for the most part.

I just went and read it myself, and I have to POD.  Anyone can have a bad day, and I don't mind the person who posts: "This is so silly, but it did bother me."  But when a poster has a bad day every week, or shoots down suggestions that would help, it does seem a little ?enabling?  I guess.
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PeasNCues

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #48 on: October 13, 2011, 04:23:45 PM »
I hope the Dame doesn't mind if I repost this here:

Ladies,

Having received personal PMs about this thread, I will address some issues not only in regards to this thread but the entire folder.

First, I suggest many readers reacquaint themselves with the forum rules.   Is what you are posting productive?  Does it build up the forum/readers or does it tear it down?  Are you presuming more than you should or possibly reading more into what others have written than was intended?

Second, the Hugs folder has never had any defined "rules" as to the content but over the past three months I have been increasingly concerned and coming to several conclusions that there will be changes to this folder.   One main thing I noticed was that there are some individuals who frequent this folder far too much with what seems to be never ending tales of woe.  It's as if this folder has become an emotional crutch with a few people needing frequent ego stroking and validation.  That was never the intent of this folder.   

Another thing I've been noticing is that the requests for "hugs" has increasingly been for what I consider trivial matters.  Having a bad day or feeling cranky just does not rise to the level of someone losing a job, a pet's death, evictions, accidents, death, illnesses, etc.   

Third, if you post about a problem that has the potential to be resolved with some practical advice from others, I think you should expect to be the recipient of that advice with the caveat being that legal, medical, sexual advice is not allowed.
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RainhaDoTexugo

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #49 on: October 13, 2011, 04:30:56 PM »
I read EHellDame's post in one of the INAH threads and while I agree that it can be hard to determine if one person's bad day is just a trivial thing or whether they really need hugs, I agree with the content of her post for the most part.

I just went and read it myself, and I have to POD.  Anyone can have a bad day, and I don't mind the person who posts: "This is so silly, but it did bother me."  But when a poster has a bad day every week, or shoots down suggestions that would help, it does seem a little ?enabling?  I guess.

I think, and I really don't have a particular post in mind, that there's occasionally a point where you look at a post in INAH and say to yourself "Really?  They couldn't just text a friend about that?"  I think that's what the Dame is referring to.  It does seem a bit odd to come to the internet and start an entire thread because you stubbed your toe, or couldn't make the lunch you'd planned because you forgot the oven needed to be cleaned and didn't want to smoke up the house, you know?  I have more sympathy for a post along the lines of "I'm having a really stressful time at work, I'm really bummed, and on top of it all, I couldn't make the lunch I'd planned.  It was just the last straw.  Can I have a few hugs?"  It's really not a bad idea to ask yourself "Is this something I need to tell the whole internet about?  Or can I just send a venty email to my best friend?" before posting.  I agree that it would be hard to actually moderate that kind of thing - there isn't always a clear line between serious problems and trivial problems.

I agree with the call for more specific guidelines in I Need a Hug, but it sounds like the Dame is working on that as we speak. 

I fully support bringing it up when people seem to be causing their own issues, but I do think it's important to be sensitive about it.  If nothing else, even if you don't think a poster deserves sugar coating, people respond better to sympathetic advice.  Nobody responds well to attacks.  If your goal is truly to help the person see your point of view and help herself, it just makes sense to present it in a more palatable way.

kingsrings

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #50 on: October 13, 2011, 04:32:49 PM »
I hope the Dame doesn't mind if I repost this here:

Ladies,

Having received personal PMs about this thread, I will address some issues not only in regards to this thread but the entire folder.

First, I suggest many readers reacquaint themselves with the forum rules.   Is what you are posting productive?  Does it build up the forum/readers or does it tear it down?  Are you presuming more than you should or possibly reading more into what others have written than was intended?

Second, the Hugs folder has never had any defined "rules" as to the content but over the past three months I have been increasingly concerned and coming to several conclusions that there will be changes to this folder.   One main thing I noticed was that there are some individuals who frequent this folder far too much with what seems to be never ending tales of woe.  It's as if this folder has become an emotional crutch with a few people needing frequent ego stroking and validation.  That was never the intent of this folder.   

Another thing I've been noticing is that the requests for "hugs" has increasingly been for what I consider trivial matters.  Having a bad day or feeling cranky just does not rise to the level of someone losing a job, a pet's death, evictions, accidents, death, illnesses, etc.   

Third, if you post about a problem that has the potential to be resolved with some practical advice from others, I think you should expect to be the recipient of that advice with the caveat being that legal, medical, sexual advice is not allowed.

Disagree with the bolded. I do believe those are huggable matters. Let's not get into the habit of comparing, measuring, and weighing each other's problems on that regard.

DuBois

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #51 on: October 13, 2011, 04:35:31 PM »
I read EHellDame's post in one of the INAH threads and while I agree that it can be hard to determine if one person's bad day is just a trivial thing or whether they really need hugs, I agree with the content of her post for the most part.

I just went and read it myself, and I have to POD.  Anyone can have a bad day, and I don't mind the person who posts: "This is so silly, but it did bother me."  But when a poster has a bad day every week, or shoots down suggestions that would help, it does seem a little ?enabling?  I guess.

I think, and I really don't have a particular post in mind, that there's occasionally a point where you look at a post in INAH and say to yourself "Really?  They couldn't just text a friend about that?"  I think that's what the Dame is referring to.  It does seem a bit odd to come to the internet and start an entire thread because you stubbed your toe, or couldn't make the lunch you'd planned because you forgot the oven needed to be cleaned and didn't want to smoke up the house, you know?  I have more sympathy for a post along the lines of "I'm having a really stressful time at work, I'm really bummed, and on top of it all, I couldn't make the lunch I'd planned.  It was just the last straw.  Can I have a few hugs?"  It's really not a bad idea to ask yourself "Is this something I need to tell the whole internet about?  Or can I just send a venty email to my best friend?" before posting.  I agree that it would be hard to actually moderate that kind of thing - there isn't always a clear line between serious problems and trivial problems.

I agree with the call for more specific guidelines in I Need a Hug, but it sounds like the Dame is working on that as we speak. 

I fully support bringing it up when people seem to be causing their own issues, but I do think it's important to be sensitive about it.  If nothing else, even if you don't think a poster deserves sugar coating, people respond better to sympathetic advice.  Nobody responds well to attacks.  If your goal is truly to help the person see your point of view and help herself, it just makes sense to present it in a more palatable way.

I think that the bolded is very, very important. You are right that people don't respond well to being challenged. I remember one thread where I was OP, where some people lined up to tell me how wrong I was (this wasn't INAH, to be clear.) Not surprisingly, I wasn't altogether receptive to this-I didn't mind another perspective, but to be flat out told I was wrong was galling, to say the least. I think that goes doubly for INAH.

LadyL

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #52 on: October 13, 2011, 04:40:07 PM »

Another thing I've been noticing is that the requests for "hugs" has increasingly been for what I consider trivial matters.  Having a bad day or feeling cranky just does not rise to the level of someone losing a job, a pet's death, evictions, accidents, death, illnesses, etc.   



Disagree with the bolded. I do believe those are huggable matters. Let's not get into the habit of comparing, measuring, and weighing each other's problems on that regard.

I think the line I would draw from ehelldame's example is that things that are life altering for at least several days or weeks (evictions, illness, etc.) are definitely hug worthy. Things that alter less than a day of one's life (like missing the bus to work) or less than an hour (stubbing a toe) and have no real ramifications beyond that are less serious.

I think that the type of person whose stubbed toe requires moaning, gnashing of teeth, and tearful posts to ehell is precisely the type of person some of us are worried about encouraging. Someone constantly seeking help on trivial matters strikes me as having few resources or coping mechanisms, and may have a level of emotional or psychological need the board can't provide.
« Last Edit: October 13, 2011, 04:48:24 PM by LadyL »

kingsrings

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #53 on: October 13, 2011, 04:41:14 PM »
ITA again. Scritzy’s Coke Rule works in that regard some, but lately when a poster chooses to ignore something, they’re then chewed out for not responding! That I feel is not right, since the Coke Rule is one of the rules on the forum – something gets too heated, you don’t like how someone is talking to you, ignore their posts. That should be respected.

Red1979

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #54 on: October 13, 2011, 05:56:08 PM »
I agree with the dame's post 100%.

I try to treat people on ehell the way I'd want to be treated if I were in the situation. If I was posting in a hugs thread and someone could offer me simple advice to fix my problem, I'd much rather have the solution to the issue than hugs any day of the week.  If I can offer someone something that could end the problem, I think that's far more valuable than an internet "hug" from a stranger.

Ehell is not a support group.  Those of us who've been around a long time, get to know each other and develop a comraderie and oftentimes a friendship.  So if someone has a serious issue, we want to know about it and offer our support.  However, we don't need to know about every hangnail or bad day.  People need to have outlets for their minor problems that are not ehell.  If someone needs constant support for emotional issues and dilemmas there are tons of other resources out there for that. 

Ehell is an etiquette board first, and boards like "hugs" and "good news" are there as part of the relationships we've already developed with each other.  The aren't a dumping ground every time someone has a bad day.

I also don't believe in posts asking for hugs, when someone refuses to correct an easily fixable situation that they have created themselves.  If you keep banging yourself on the head with a hammer, I'm not going to offer you "hugs" for the pain.  I'm going to tell you that you need to stop hitting yourself with a hammer.

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Lynn2000

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #55 on: October 13, 2011, 05:59:27 PM »

Another thing I've been noticing is that the requests for "hugs" has increasingly been for what I consider trivial matters.  Having a bad day or feeling cranky just does not rise to the level of someone losing a job, a pet's death, evictions, accidents, death, illnesses, etc.   



Disagree with the bolded. I do believe those are huggable matters. Let's not get into the habit of comparing, measuring, and weighing each other's problems on that regard.

I think the line I would draw from ehelldame's example is that things that are life altering for at least several days or weeks (evictions, illness, etc.) are definitely hug worthy. Things that alter less than a day of one's life (like missing the bus to work) or less than an hour (stubbing a toe) and have no real ramifications beyond that are less serious.

I think that the type of person whose stubbed toe requires moaning, gnashing of teeth, and tearful posts to ehell is precisely the type of person some of us are worried about encouraging. Someone constantly seeking help on trivial matters strikes me as having few resources or coping mechanisms, and may have a level of emotional or psychological need the board can't provide.

Interesting post by Ehelldame re: the purpose of the INAH folder. I agree with all of it except for the bolded snippet above. Well, obviously my agreement is not required, but I guess that snippet is not what I was expecting or understood previously.

I think I've started a thread in INAH exactly once--it was something about how my water had been shut off for a repair that the landlord knew about in advance, but didn't tell me about until it was really inconvenient for me. And I prefaced my post by saying that I realized that compared to other problems in the folder, this was trivial, but I was still really  frustrated by it. All I was looking for was to get my frustration off my chest, have a couple people write back to say, "So sorry about that! That stinks!" and move on. (Which is what happened, BTW, which was very nice. :) )

Now if the mods want to say that a thread like that is too trivial for INAH and shouldn't be posted, I would respect that; but the rules need to be clear, and it sounds like Ehelldame will be coming out with clarification soon. Which is great. But it might also lead people to start sniping to an OP, "Sorry, your so-called bad day is too trivial," or might lead someone to exaggerate to reach the required threshold of "badness." And I'd hate to see threads devolve into that, when there seem to be issues with the folder already.

If you (general) feel that someone is overdramatizing minor events on a regular basis, I think it should be fine to gently point that out to them; but I'm uncomfortable with the idea that someone's single "bad day" post could be subject to harsh judgment for not being "bad" enough.  :-\
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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #56 on: October 13, 2011, 06:07:23 PM »
Lynn, for what it's worth, I wouldn't consider your example a "go text a friend" problem.

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #57 on: October 13, 2011, 06:13:48 PM »
On one end (1), there are hangnails and bad hair days. On the other end (10), there's the death of a loved one or a horrible diagnosis. And in between is all the other stuff that happens to us.

I'm guessing that posting frequently about hangnails and bad hair days is going to be frowned upon, but I'm also guessing that if you're having one of those weeks--you know, where every day is a bad hair day, your car breaks down, your washing machine implodes (after your SO washes your favorite white sweater in a red load), your computer eats the paper you've been working on for weeks, and THEN you get the hangnail, which breaks you completely, and you post on EHell for some sympathy, no one's going to say, "OP, this is a serious folder. You need to have Misery Level Five or More to post in here."

I think it's pretty widely agreed upon here that comparing hurts is unproductive. It's just the incessant minor or completely fixable complaints from the same people time after time that might be curtailed. That's my best guess, anyway.


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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #58 on: October 13, 2011, 06:20:30 PM »

I think it's pretty widely agreed upon here that comparing hurts is unproductive. It's just the incessant minor or completely fixable complaints from the same people time after time that might be curtailed. That's my best guess, anyway.

It is the incessant minor and/or completely fixable complaints from the same people time after time that has caused posters (like me) to ignore the Hugs folder altogether.  And it's a shame because I'd like to be supportive in a lot of situations, but I'm burned out on it all.  I can't bring myself to read it anymore.

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Re: What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?
« Reply #59 on: October 13, 2011, 06:37:53 PM »
I've noticed snippyness in the hug folder lately