What is the purpose of the I Need A Hug folder?

[kingsrings]

That clears it up more. I agree abot the same old, same old getting awfully tiring amongst other reasons after awhile. BUT, like others have said, someone posting once in a while about their washing machine breaking isn't a big deal.

[POF]

Geez I feel bad ( can I have a hug .... LOL ) .... I am wondering if I was the onus behind this thread because I posted about DH frustrating the heck out of me this weekend.

Yeah - its probably trivial to a lot of people .... but who gets to judge what is trivial.

I guess I'll think twice about posting in I need a Hug.

[Lynn2000]

Whatever the impetus, I think it's a good thread. Since Ehelldame herself has posted (in another thread) saying that the purpose of the folder is being misunderstood/abused, it seems that this was a common question, and I think the discussion has been productive.

Lynn, for what it's worth, I wouldn't consider your example a "go text a friend" problem.

Thanks!  'Cause my reply to that "helpful" suggestion would have been a whiny, "...but I don't know HOW to text!!!!"  But seriously, I think it's good to clarify what situations are appropriate as much as possible, because if it's left vague but with an overhanging, "Some things are not allowed!" that's just a recipe for disaster. And I'm assuming that Ehelldame/the mods are working on that (though of course I could be assuming incorrectly).

[Winterlight]

POF, I read your post as, "I'm hurt because my husband blew me off," and I think that's valid for INAH.

There are posts where I'll think, "Seriously?" and "Not again!" but I don't comment on those.

Sometimes, a post may call for gentle criticism, but it's a difficult balance for me so I try to err on the side of gentle.

[buvezdevin]

I don't read the majority of items in INAH, so cannot comment on what may be trends within the folder - I read and post to those INAH threads with a title which gets my attention if it crops up in "unread" view during a period I'm on eHell.

While I haven't read any thread there which seems inappropriately trivial (certainly a somewhat subjective call), I recognize that others apparently check the folder regularly, and many may read most/all threads regardless of title.  Given that likely practice, I can understand how multiple relatively minor posts would have the effect of encouraging others to post relatively minor matters, and at some point, it's an exponential, effective "folder-jack".

No thoughts on best means to address that possibility, but I am glad the folder is there, and hope it will continue. 

ETA:  I read and posted in POF's referenced thread.  In my view, it was not only appropriate to INAH, but also offered potential for responding posters to make suggestions.  As apparent by the fact I made one, which was not a critique, and may or may not be helpful, but I included a hug.

[realgonegal1]

I had a recent experience with that folder that ended badly.

When I joined Ehell, I posted occasionally in the "regular" folders.  But as time went on, I really only had time to lurk.  I had kids, got busy etc.

My life has hit the fan in the past eighteen months.  While I am not close with anyone on the site, I do appreciate the advice and support that I have been given in the past in other folders.

I posted in INAH for two reasons:  I genuinely feel kind of lost, and my problems are not exactly for public consumption.  Sometimes, it IS easier to post here than tell a friend.  I did change some details, and wasn't exactly good at keeping everyone abreast of the daily drama on schedule (I have little kids and I'm busy).  And I was called out for it.  I chose to ask the mods to close the thread, rather than get accused of being a troll (and possibly banned).

So I won't be posting in that folder anymore.  But I know that many find it comforting to have an outlet.

[Ticia]

There's a website that has a chat room that I've been apart of for something like 12 years now. I consider the people there really good friends and have met a good 30 or 40 of them (It's a small chat room) in real life through the years. I've even dated one guy from the chat room, before I met my husband. In other words, these guys are honest to goodness, I know them in real life not just on the internet, friends.

One day I was complaining there about something that had happened to me involving someone that had disappointed me. One of the people chatting said "Ticia, it seems you're always being disappointed by someone. What's going on?"

It really made me sit back and think. Because the truth was that I wasn't constantly being disappointed by people. It's just that this chat room had become my go-to place to vent. So most of my communication with them was me whining about my day or the people in it. When that's *all* you say to people, of course they're going to think that you're doing it too much and that's all your life is about.

I've cut way back on complaining to people in the chat room. There's still one person on there that I'll private message and vent to, but we're more like best friends. She comes to my house whenever she's passing through, and she lives about an hour away. And I always try to be upbeat and positive at other times.

If all we hear from someone are complaints about how they've has stubbed their toe, again, then we might either tell them to put some shoes on, or we're going to distance ourselves so we don't have to hear it anymore.

If all anyone ever hears from you (general you, this is not directed at anyone) is complaining, you become an emotional drain on their energy. There are some people you have a good enough relationship with that they can stand it for awhile, but even they're going to have to tell you to stop, eventually, if you're never positive with them. Of course it's okay to complain about stuff to  friends when you need to. If that's all you ever do, though, you need to be prepared to hear that you're doing it too much.

[Yvaine]

It really made me sit back and think. Because the truth was that I wasn't constantly being disappointed by people. It's just that this chat room had become my go-to place to vent. So most of my communication with them was me whining about my day or the people in it. When that's *all* you say to people, of course they're going to think that you're doing it too much and that's all your life is about.

This is a very good point. I used to do that with my LiveJournal. If I was venty or emo, I'd post on LJ. If I was in a good mood, I usually didn't think to post to LJ about it--either I'd be out doing whatever thing was making me happy, or else I'd just not feel like sitting at a computer to write about it. So my LJ was endless bellyaching. I had a few people tell me I wallowed in self-pity too much, and it didn't ring true in my head, since that's not what I'm like all the time in reality--but if they read my LJ more than they saw me, it made sense.

[Scritzy]

Ticia, I very much agree. We all need to take a step back and look at ourselves once in a while.

One of the things I like about this forum is that it can be supportive in times of trouble. I posted about my divorce three times: when he left, when I knew it was over and when the final hearing was over. I got love and support that made me cry, actually.

But if I had come on every week and given a blow-by-blow, i.e., "Chip was mean to me this week!" or "My lawyer is charging too much!" or "My mother says if I get remarried my new husband will murder me!" (and she did say that) — well, that's when I'd expect someone to say, "Honey, this is the hardest time of your life, yet I feel you need to think about, Why all the meanness? Are you seeing it from just your own perspective, or do you need to take other things into consideration?" (Except for Mother, of course; she's just plain nuts. ) For instance, I know how expensive my lawyer was, but he's been my lawyer for over 30 years. To have retained him and then whine about the expense would be, well, whining.

[Spoder]

I hope the Dame doesn't mind if I repost this here:

Ladies,

Having received personal PMs about this thread, I will address some issues not only in regards to this thread but the entire folder.

First, I suggest many readers reacquaint themselves with the forum rules.   Is what you are posting productive?  Does it build up the forum/readers or does it tear it down?  Are you presuming more than you should or possibly reading more into what others have written than was intended?

Second, the Hugs folder has never had any defined "rules" as to the content but over the past three months I have been increasingly concerned and coming to several conclusions that there will be changes to this folder.   One main thing I noticed was that there are some individuals who frequent this folder far too much with what seems to be never ending tales of woe.  It's as if this folder has become an emotional crutch with a few people needing frequent ego stroking and validation.  That was never the intent of this folder.   

Another thing I've been noticing is that the requests for "hugs" has increasingly been for what I consider trivial matters.  Having a bad day or feeling cranky just does not rise to the level of someone losing a job, a pet's death, evictions, accidents, death, illnesses, etc.   

Third, if you post about a problem that has the potential to be resolved with some practical advice from others, I think you should expect to be the recipient of that advice with the caveat being that legal, medical, sexual advice is not allowed.

Disagree with the bolded. I do believe those are huggable matters. Let's not get into the habit of comparing, measuring, and weighing each other's problems on that regard.

Honestly, I have an issue with that as well. If posts in the INAH folder bother me for some reason, or if I think they're trivial, I just ignore them. It's not as if one must post x amount of hugs per month to retain eHell privileges.

Person A might have lost her job because she's incompetent, or be getting divorced because she's a selfish spouse. Person B might be posting 'my washing machine has broken down and it's the last straw' because actually, she's also being abused by her husband but isn't ready to post about it on here. What we *read* is sometimes the tip of the iceberg.

Posters come to the Hugs folder because they need something they're not getting IRL. I'm presuming most of them are not texting a friend instead because that option isn't available to them, for some reason. I am not interested in ranking people's 'worthiness' for hugs, based on the self-selected and limited information we get in the INAH folder. I'll either give hugs, or I won't.

I think that posters need to take some responsibility for staying out of folders/threads that bug them. If you (general) believe a poster is abusing the hugs folder by posting trivial things, or not learning from their mistakes, why not either ignore it, or gently and politely point it out and then *move on*? Eventually, when their threads are only getting a handful of replies, I think they'll get the message.

Obviously, the Dame and mods can do whatever they choose. But if the INAH folder is going to be heavily moderated and 'screened' for appropriateness, I will stop reading it (and probably the forum) altogether. The tone of judgmentalism and holier-than-thou-ness that has crept into this forum lately irritates me more than any trivial hug request does.

[kingsrings]

ITA.

[RainhaDoTexugo]

Whatever the impetus, I think it's a good thread. Since Ehelldame herself has posted (in another thread) saying that the purpose of the folder is being misunderstood/abused, it seems that this was a common question, and I think the discussion has been productive.

Lynn, for what it's worth, I wouldn't consider your example a "go text a friend" problem.

Thanks!  'Cause my reply to that "helpful" suggestion would have been a whiny, "...but I don't know HOW to text!!!!"  But seriously, I think it's good to clarify what situations are appropriate as much as possible, because if it's left vague but with an overhanging, "Some things are not allowed!" that's just a recipe for disaster. And I'm assuming that Ehelldame/the mods are working on that (though of course I could be assuming incorrectly).

I agree that moderating worthiness of hugs would be messy, at best.  I would argue in favor of a little more self reflection before posting, though, even if all it means is the poster adds in the part about stubbing her toe being the last straw, as opposed to just whining about a toe stub.

[MrsJWine]

I think a fresh toe stub would really be something to complain about in the hugs folder. But maybe not a fresh toe stubbing.

Oh my gosh I need to go to bed.

[Iris]

Geez I feel bad ( can I have a hug .... LOL ) .... I am wondering if I was the onus behind this thread because I posted about DH frustrating the heck out of me this weekend.

Yeah - its probably trivial to a lot of people .... but who gets to judge what is trivial.

I guess I'll think twice about posting in I need a Hug.

If it's any comfort I'm feeling really paranoid too because I did actually start a thread about an actual bad day. The Ehell Dame's post will certainly make me think twice about posting in INAH again.

It's really hard not to feel defensive about the level of "badness" of my day now and whether it was of a degree bad enough to justify bothering the internet with. 

[POF]

I read somewhere that we can rise to meet the crisis and big issues .... but often times its the day to day grind that kills us.  And often times .... I just want to commiserate with someone not im my day to day circle.

I ignore posts that I don't want to read ..... and I owuld assume people would do the same.


I think it is unnecessary to worry about what is in the HUGS folder.  I am a pet lover ... but I know many who aren't and they would think that pet issues are trivial ... so it is really all in the point of view of both the poster and the reader.