woman flirting w my husband - how do i handle?

[Stjarni]

Honestly?

I would have laughed. She is making a fool out of herself. 

[Virg]

"Men can be really clueless at times, can't they?"

"A woman is grinding and bumping all over a man and they just "don't know" what the woman is trying to do? Yeah right."

"I honestly think there's a part of men's brains that shuts down when a woman is blatantly coming on to them."

"Her behavior was provocative -- and while healthy mens minds may be dumbfounded by sexual behavior, their bodies aren't."


Perhaps I'm the only one that feels more than a little insulted by all of this, but I must ask, are these statements really appropriate for a board on etiquette?  I thought sexism was impolite.  Pardon my interruption if I'm wrong, but I suspect I'd be flamed off the board (or outright banned) for making such statements about women in general for something my wife did.

Virg

[ZipTheWonder]

I certainly want to know what about my comment was sexist, beause it wasn't intended to be.  It could just have easily read "Her behavior was provocative -- and while healthy womens minds may be dumbfounded by sexual behavior, their bodies aren't."  But, we happen to be discussing a specific situation in which a woman was behaving provocatively towards a man, and my response was framed with that scenario in mind.

[ettacat]

"Men can be really clueless at times, can't they?"

"A woman is grinding and bumping all over a man and they just "don't know" what the woman is trying to do? Yeah right."

"I honestly think there's a part of men's brains that shuts down when a woman is blatantly coming on to them."

"Her behavior was provocative -- and while healthy mens minds may be dumbfounded by sexual behavior, their bodies aren't."


Perhaps I'm the only one that feels more than a little insulted by all of this, but I must ask, are these statements really appropriate for a board on etiquette?  I thought sexism was impolite.  Pardon my interruption if I'm wrong, but I suspect I'd be flamed off the board (or outright banned) for making such statements about women in general for something my wife did.

Virg

Oh please. She was indeed, dancing provocatively with a married man. In MY opinion, there is no way he could not have known what she was doing.

We are discussing a certain incident, which is kind of sensitive. It is not sexism to have an opinion.

[Lunadiana75]

I agree with Virg, there is a lot of generalizing about all men going on this thread. It started out talking about the OP's DH and thurned into lumping all men into a very unflattering comments. I know plenty of men who would never behave the way the OP's husband did. 

[Emmy]

I find it interesting to say that the poster's DH thinks of "Jane" as his little sister.  Who would grind on their little sister in a club?  Gross!!  I find it hard to believe that the OP's husband wasn't concious to some level of what this woman was up to.

I can't blame the OP for being angry and hurt in this situation, especially since her DH wasn't a dancer until Jane came into the picture.  Although it was inconsiderate of Jane (to put it nicely) to dance provacatively with a man she knows is married, it is the OP's husbands job to not tolerate any actions that would be hurtful to his wife.  In this situation, it would have been appropiate for OP to take her husband by the hand and lead him off the dance floor, ask Jane to cut in, or even cut in without asking.  I can understand the OP's reluctance to dicuss anything with her husband at that time due to being in a public place and being around friends.

The husband seems to be blowing off his behavior as 'not a big deal'.  I think sometimes guys do this because they KNOW they were wrong, and do have an excuse so they try to play it down.  As somebody suggested, he should really try putting himself in his wifes place.  For example: they are at the club his wife isn't in the mood to dance until she runs into one of the following: old college friend/ ex's brother/co-worker and he proceeds to put his hands all over her, knowing full well that she is married and she smiles and enjoys the attention.  This happens when his friends are looking on to boot.  Most men would be liars if they said they wouldn't be angry and humiliated and it probaby would be a big deal to him if the shoe were on the other foot.

[Lauren]

I'm sorry if I generalised, I didn't mean to hurt anyone by doing so.

[beckygoesape]

I agree with Virg, there is a lot of generalizing about all men going on this thread. It started out talking about the OP's DH and thurned into lumping all men into a very unflattering comments. I know plenty of men who would never behave the way the OP's husband did. 

I agree.  Lumping all men into insensitive clods isn't the least bit useful.  It doesn't explain the OP's husband's behavior...but it may excaberate it in the future if that attitude is displayed.  "You can't help it, you're a man!"  It's disrespectful and inconsiderate at a basic basic level, a level that he can do nothing about because he was born male.

Becky

[mehiali]

Sounds like you have already explained to your DH that this behavior is unacceptable.  IF it ever happens again, give him about a minute to resolve the situation himself, and if he does nothing, step up.

I left a party one time because there was a woman all over my (then) husband ... rubbing up and down him, kissing and biting him on the neck, etc.  I asked him to stop her, he didn't ... I told her to stop, she didn't ... so I took the kids (this was a family-friendly birthday party for mutual friends) and left.

Now he is my EX-husband.  I surely hope your situation never goes this far!

[Virg]

Sorry to continue a bit offtopic, but ettecat's response goes to the heart of my problem with the direction this thread took.  Ettacat, while it's possible to have an opinion without being sexist, it's also quite possible to have a sexist opinion.  the first statement ("Men can be really clueless at times, can't they?") could have been generalized to "people" or left off entirely without detracting one bit from the real topic, so its inclusion serves no purpose other than to insult men.  The third statement ("I honestly think there's a part of men's brains that shuts down when a woman is blatantly coming on to them.") makes precisely the same mistake and goes one further to implicate that all men suffer from an inability to handle themselves gracefully in such a situation when that's simply not true, hence my offense.

Toss on top of that that I complained that the topic can be discussed without such commentary, and you respond with "Oh please" as though I have little right to be concerned.  I do notice that your comment is more specific to dieselgirl's husband, and if I went back I'd probably have dropped your comment from my list, but still I ask that you consider how you'd feel if you voiced a concern over something sexist and a man responded the way you did.  I suspect you'd be incensed, and rightly so.

Virg

[ettacat]

Virg, I apologize for the "Oh Please". I wasn't meaning to insult you with that remark. Of course you have the right to an opinion.

I will just say, I fully, but respectfully, disagree with you.

[kingsrings]

There is a definite difference between appropriate and inappropriate affection concerning a married person, and this one definitely falls in the category of being inappropriate! Just because one is married doesn't mean that they can never again receive any kind of physical affection from another man or woman, but this behavior described goes far from being innocent and friendly.

[dieselgirl]

thank you for everyone's replies.  i spoke to DH about the whole situation again with re-enactment as someone suggested (i did it in front of the mirror so he'll see how weird it looks and we both ended up laughing as i was doing it - but he gets the point).  i really explained the inappropriateness of the whole thing.  "people" (that includes WOMEN!  ) make poor judgements sometimes and my DH can really be clueless.  but at least now he is aware.

i now have a list of things i can do if this situation comes up...  he did say it won't happen again (if it does i'll just chase after him with a rolling pin).  thanks again for your replies!