Author Topic: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.  (Read 15097 times)

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hyzenthlay

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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #15 on: October 13, 2011, 08:04:01 AM »
She seems to feel that I donít ďcareĒ about her special day.

Well lets be honest here. You don't. Anymore the would care about the wedding of someone you only see a couple times a year, are not close to who is marrying a man you haven't even met.

Not that you need to tell your sister that, but I think she's correct is saying you don't care.  And since she has openly admitted she 'doesn't care if you're there' you are both seem to have about the same feelings about the matter.

Just try to keep the refusals brief and polite on your end. Don't get dragged into a fight of justifying why you don't want to go.

lkb

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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2011, 09:23:51 AM »
@Larrabee: I understand what you're saying but rereading this, it does seem to me that the OP's main issue is that the wedding is scheduled for around the OP's 50th.

I've been in that situation though to a lesser extent: My in-laws scheduled an extended family campout on my birthday. Yes, I was miffed. Yes, I whined about it in the privacy of my home. But I sucked it up and went and did my private birthday celebrating the day after we got back.

I realize the OP's family has a lot of backstory that should  indeed be considered. But somehow the original post struck me as a bit of SS about "myyyyy daaaaayyyy."

If I've misinterpreted things (and especially if I've hurt the OP), I do sincerely apologize. Please forgive me.

Twik

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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #17 on: October 13, 2011, 09:35:46 AM »
I've got to admit, I'm not a big believer in "milestone birthdays". My life didn't change dramatically between my last day at 49 and my first at 50. So, I'd really, *really* advise against telling your sister, "I'll make it to your next wedding, what's the big deal about this one? MY day is a once in a lifetime thing, though."

On the other hand, you don't have to go if you don't want to do so. It sounds like you're not all that close to your sister, and if those are the dynamics, you're under no etiquette obligation to attend. However, it is saying to your sister that she's not a top priority in your life. If that's the truth, then I wouldn't worry about it.
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SuperMartianRobotGirl

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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #18 on: October 13, 2011, 09:38:01 AM »
I don't think you're required to go to the wedding of someone you hardly ever see, even if it's a relative. I would do what you want.

still in va

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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #19 on: October 13, 2011, 09:45:21 AM »
I've got to admit, I'm not a big believer in "milestone birthdays". My life didn't change dramatically between my last day at 49 and my first at 50. So, I'd really, *really* advise against telling your sister, "I'll make it to your next wedding, what's the big deal about this one? MY day is a once in a lifetime thing, though."

On the other hand, you don't have to go if you don't want to do so. It sounds like you're not all that close to your sister, and if those are the dynamics, you're under no etiquette obligation to attend. However, it is saying to your sister that she's not a top priority in your life. If that's the truth, then I wouldn't worry about it.

i'd say that since Sister hasn't ever bothered to visit MD in 13 years, and only sees MD when MD flies home to visit, that MD isn't such a high priority to Sister either.

auntmeegs

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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #20 on: October 13, 2011, 09:56:21 AM »
Honestly, even for a milestone birthday I would just shift my celebaration to the weekend before or after.  However, I have adifferent relationship with my siblngs.
I'm the same. My sisters are my best friends. No way I would miss out on a sister's wedding just because it's my birthday - nor would I feel it 'off' if they planned their wedding for my birthday weekend. This is said as somebody who usually guards her birthday very jealously, so it's not that I find my birthday unimportant, it's just no skin off my nose to celebrate it some other day.

However, that's a relationship issue and not an etiquette issue. Etiquette-wise, you're completely in the clear.


POD, but the op does not have the same kind of relationship with her siblings as we do with ours.

buvezdevin

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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #21 on: October 13, 2011, 10:06:30 AM »
First, I agree with other posters that, as is often stated here, an invitation is not a summons, and you may decline for whatever reason you may wish/need to do so.

As for milestone birthdays, I just turned 50, and while I, too, wanted very much to celebrate in a way which felt significant to me though I don't feel at all strongly regarding my birthday other years, this one simply was not just an objective milestone, but one I truly felt was important *to me* (in a good way, I will add).

That said, and while I wish OP the best of celebrations for her milestone, I don't see it as the "key" reason to not attend her sister's wedding.  If, as seems to be so, OP has seen her brother once or twice in 13 years, and the rest of her family once in that span, then being present for family events doesn't seem to be an established practice (surely there have been other events in 13 years?), so not being at her sister's wedding is not a snub by exception to the norm.

Add to that the sister's apparent lack of graciousness in sorta kinda extending the invitation, and I think it's worth considering whether the OP would go to the wedding even were it on another date.

When I first read the original post, I thought perhaps the sister had chosen the date to allow OP to be at sister's wedding, and have the family together to also celebrate OP's milestone birthday on a date near the wedding - but, that certainly doesn't sound like the situation.
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Wonderflonium

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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #22 on: October 13, 2011, 10:07:13 AM »
Yes, you only turn 50 once in your life but your sister will only marry this man once.

Not necessarily. My uncle married the same woman twice.  :P
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rashea

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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #23 on: October 13, 2011, 10:19:53 AM »

She seems to feel that I donít ďcareĒ about her special day.  I told her that although I DO care, I have to be honest in saying that unfortunately, turning 50 will only happen once in my lifetime.  As we both know, unfortunately weddings are no longer such isolated events. Iím glad sheís found love again, but we have a bit of a conflict regarding how to handle our respective special days this time.


I'm really hoping you didn't actually say this to her, because to me that would be cruel. And she's got a point that you aren't there for the family if you haven't seen them in 7 years. Yes they could visit you, but it's not like you've been back 20 times and they haven't visited once. Then again, it's fine to not be there physically for family members. That's a valid choice.

I think it's fine for you to tell your sister that you're not going to make it, but I'd avoid any discussion of it being because it's not a "once in a lifetime" event.
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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #24 on: October 13, 2011, 10:28:26 AM »
I've got to admit, I'm not a big believer in "milestone birthdays". My life didn't change dramatically between my last day at 49 and my first at 50. So, I'd really, *really* advise against telling your sister, "I'll make it to your next wedding, what's the big deal about this one? MY day is a once in a lifetime thing, though."

On the other hand, you don't have to go if you don't want to do so. It sounds like you're not all that close to your sister, and if those are the dynamics, you're under no etiquette obligation to attend. However, it is saying to your sister that she's not a top priority in your life. If that's the truth, then I wouldn't worry about it.

This, exactly, for me. I think the key thing is whether or not you're close enough to your sister to prioritise attending her wedding. If you're not, then fine - every family and every sisterly relationship is different.  For me, personally, because I am very close to my sister, I would take the opportunity to go and think of it as a bonus that I'd be getting to spend my 50th birthday with her and my extended family, because that is who I'd want to be with anyway. But I don't see anything inherently wrong in NOT wanting that, if you're not especially close to her.

Surianne

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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #25 on: October 13, 2011, 10:34:15 AM »
I'd leave the birthday out of it completely.  I do think that if you would normally attend her wedding, skipping it because it's near your birthday would be pretty selfish -- I'm not a birthday person, though, so I don't understand why having an event on a day near your birthday ruins your birthday.

But it sounds like you have no interest in this sister (or your family in general) and wouldn't attend even if it wasn't your birthday?  There's nothing wrong with that, if you're not close to her.  Every family is different.  In that case, let her know you won't be making it out and be firm about it.  Don't bring up the birthday -- that just sounds childish and gives her a reason to fight you on it.

leftout

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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #26 on: October 13, 2011, 10:44:07 AM »
But it sounds like you have no interest in this sister (or your family in general) and wouldn't attend even if it wasn't your birthday?  There's nothing wrong with that, if you're not close to her.  Every family is different.  In that case, let her know you won't be making it out and be firm about it.  Don't bring up the birthday -- that just sounds childish and gives her a reason to fight you on it.

POD.

You sound completely ridiculous whining about the whole birthday thing at your mature age and about the expectations that you occasionally visit for family events where the rest of the family lives. I'm sure you were invited to the wedding because you're her sister so you're automatically on the guest list. Stay home. I can assure you she won't miss you!

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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #27 on: October 13, 2011, 10:52:03 AM »
Honestly, even for a milestone birthday I would just shift my celebaration to the weekend before or after.  However, I have adifferent relationship with my siblngs.

Me too, but I have a different relationship with my sister.  MineralDiva, you are not required to attend your sister's wedding, and since you are not close to her, I can understand not wanting to disrupt your plans, but it seems to me that the real reason you don't want to go is not because it's your birthday, but because you are not close with her.  I think your mistake was telling your sister that you couldn't attend because it was your birthday.  That must have felt like a slap in the face.  It would have been far better to claim poverty.  That way you still wouldn't be going, but your sister could still have the fantasy that you cared.
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Wonderflonium

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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #28 on: October 13, 2011, 11:11:15 AM »
You sound completely ridiculous whining about the whole birthday thing at your mature age and about the expectations that you occasionally visit for family events where the rest of the family lives. I'm sure you were invited to the wedding because you're her sister so you're automatically on the guest list. Stay home. I can assure you she won't miss you!

Leftout, you are certainly free to disagree with the OP, but using phrases like "You sound completely ridiculous whining" is inappropriate on this forum.
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MineralDiva

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Re: Sorry, I donít want to spend my 50th birthday at your wedding.
« Reply #29 on: October 13, 2011, 11:32:23 AM »
As has been noticed, yes there is more back story here.  I do care about family and would like to be able to have what some would deem a ďnormalĒ relationship with them.  Unfortunately (in a nut shell), unless they are getting what they want, the way they want it, with no consideration for the person being asked to make the adjustments to their marching orders, the ugliness goes from slightly passive-aggressive to downright vicious.  That is no longer going to be a part of my ďmovie.Ē 

If my sisterís wedding were at almost any other time (excluding a major holiday), I would see what I could do to get there.  Normally, I donít make as big a deal about birthdays either (not that she would know that, as she and the rest barely acknowledge the date anyway Ė but boy, donít you forget hers or the rest).  Iíve worked on that day, attended a family funeral on that dayÖwhatever.  But this time, this day, I want to celebrate it in a way that matters to me.