Enabling Mother In Law

[mumma to KMC]

I hope that some of you might have some advice on what I am about to present...

My dh's youngest brother is currently spending some time in the county jail for 2 alcohol related offenses. While we aren't sure exactly what happened (because the story gets mangled once it hits my mil) we think he was picked up for a failed drug screen (he is out on parole for another offense) and he was also arrested for public intoxication. (I think the PI arrest was a drunk driving arrest but I can't confirm.) He has acknowledged to his parents, his lawyer and the courts that he is an alcoholic and a drug addict. It is in court documents. Part of his getting out in two weeks hinges on him getting treatment for his addictions.

Let me just say that dh's parents are not drinkers. A glass of wine MAYBE at dinner for a special occasion. (Christmas, New Year, Easter) I have never actually seen my  mil take a sip of anything harder the Seven Up. My fil will enjoy some wine or scotch every once in a while. A bottle of something will last him years. Dh's older sister and her dh brought back some beer from out west (locally brewed stuff) and left it at my in laws. My fil offered it to his other daughter and her husband as they would use it sooner then they would.

MIL told him not to give it to them because she wants to keep it around for Jailed BIL. To teach him how to drink responsibly. By giving him one beer a day. Until he no longer needs to drink. (BIL is over 21)

I am the daughter of an alcoholic. I fortunately (if one can say that) have a father who would only drink at home and went to work each and every day, keeping the same job for the past 29 years. However, I know better then to make the beer run for him or enjoy a "cold one" with him while watching tv. I had a dry wedding reception due to his drinking. I have done the research on being the Adult Child of and Alcoholic...I know for the most part how to stay distant yet offer support if needed.

Does anyone have any idea what to say to MIL or how to present information to her that shows she is WRONG and not helping him at all?

If anything, thanks for letting me get this out...I was stunned by it all!

[ZipTheWonder]

I can't imagine that any information you give her is going to convince her that she's wrong.  And, really, when all is said and done, it is his job to make healthy choices about his alcohol use, regardless of what other people leave around the house.

I'd stay out of it....

[Verruca]

Is your MIL in Alanon?  Maybe you can use your own experiences here, tell her you're going to an Alanon meeting, and ask her to come with you just for support.

I agree that you can't convince her of anything - but you can try to get her into an environment where she's getting good information about how to best help her son and herself.

[mumma to KMC]

Is your MIL in Alanon?  Maybe you can use your own experiences here, tell her you're going to an Alanon meeting, and ask her to come with you just for support.

She isn't in Al anon and I doubt she would even go. We don't have any meetings around here...they did a few years ago but for some reason they don't anymore. I know she is a believer in keeping problems in the family and not airing your dirty laundry to "outsiders" so to getting her to go if there were a meeting would be hard.

I was thinking of leaving my copy of the the Big Blue Book out next time she comes over as well as some other reference material about addictions. She doesn't know my dad is an alcoholic and I don't feel comfortable bringing it up. (Not because I am ashamed, it is his issue, not mine...but because this lady is very judgmental and will some how use it later to make dh and me look bad.)

[Bethalize]

I was thinking of leaving my copy of the the Big Blue Book out next time she comes over as well as some other reference material about addictions.

The problem here is how to get her to recognise her role is also a problem, not just the drinking. Perhaps some literature with scenarios with enablers would jolt her?

[mumma to KMC]

I was thinking of leaving my copy of the the Big Blue Book out next time she comes over as well as some other reference material about addictions.

The problem here is how to get her to recognise her role is also a problem, not just the drinking. Perhaps some literature with scenarios with enablers would jolt her?

Good idea, I am surprised (and ashamed) that I didn't think of that! Thanks for the idea....

[Bethalize]

Good idea, I am surprised (and ashamed) that I didn't think of that! Thanks for the idea....

Don't be, we 'know' things that aren't always at the forefront of our mind. That's why we share with others.

[JoyinVirginia]

You can address this without mentioning your own family history.
"MIL, I have been reading some things about alcohol/ watching this TV show called Intervention/ talking to an acquaintance who has alcoholic relatives." Pick one, you can be vague. Everyone here is a "virtual" acquaintance!
"Alcoholism is considered a disease.  Many of the experts about alcoholism say it is very important that an alcoholic not drink any alcohol at all. The alcoholic could relapse."
Here is url for a printable brochure on alcoholism from National Institutes on Health. NIH publications are public domain, they encourage reproduction of informational brochures like this. You could even sit down at the computer with MIL and show her how to search for info.
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/GettheFacts_HTML/facts.htm

I also advocate verbalizing worst case scenarios. "MIL, How would you feel if you gave BIL just one beer - and that made him crave alcohol so much he went out, got drunk, and then got in an accident and killed himself or someone else?" Sometimes people need to be hit over the head with horrible stories and statistics before they "get it". If your MIL is a judgemental person, maybe pointing out "What would people think if your son did something like that? It would be in all the papers." would get through to her.

Local news report follows, not necessarily etiquette related: A woman driving drunk hit and killed a pedestrian in broad daylight last year in my area. She had hit and killed a teenager in Tennessee a few years ago, while drunk and SERVED THREE YEARS IN PRISON! Did the same thing, now she will be in prison in Virginia for 40 years. The parents of the teen killed in Tennessee came and testified, that convinced the jury and judge this woman (who is only in her late twenties) that she deserved the maximum sentence. No parole for this offense in Virginia any more. She will be over 60 when she gets out of prison.

Joy in Virginia (edited cause I can't type this afternoon!)

[Gileswench]

For BIL's sake, someone needs to convince his mother that her 'treatment' is a very poor idea.

Is there any way you can convince her to read something written by an expert? Watch an episode of Intervention? Attend a meeting for friends/relatives of substance abusers? Sit her down with a recovering alcoholic?

BIL is in big trouble, and he's not going to get out if he has his mother telling him he's doing the right thing. Yes he has to make his own decisions, but being undermined in good behavior and supported in negative (for him) behavior by a parent is a recipe for disaster.

Would your father be willing to talk to her about the dangerous road she's taking? Sometimes the only way to wake someone up is with a very cold dose of reality from someone who's been there, done that, and worn the tee shirt. Failing that, would he be willing to have a talk with your BIL? After all, at twenty he's an adult and needs to be treated as one. If someone can help your BIL see the light, he may find the strength to stand up to his mother and her ideas for 'curing' him of his alcoholism.

BIL is going to need a lot of help cleaning up his act, once he decides to do so. If his mother won't listen, maybe someone should start talking to him.

I understand why you don't want to involve your family history, but sometimes you have to swallow a bitter pill in order to help someone else.

And in the end, you have to let everyone else make their own decisions, for good or for ill. That's what the serenity prayer is all about: accepting that there are things you can change, and things you cannot.

Best of luck to you and to your BIL. You're both going to need it.

[Venus193]

Karolsmumma, it sounds like your MIL is taking a trip down Denial.  I don't know that you can convince her she is wrongheaded about this without revealing your family information to prove that you know what you're talking about. 

If she won't go to AlAnon, the most you can probably do is not contribute to BIL's problem.  Make sure you and your DH never allow him to drink in your presence.  If he has two strikes against him, the next time he gets wasted and does something they will throw the book at him.

[dawbs]

I see al-anon isn't the ideal suggestion...which does make it harder, but perhaps giving her some of their literature would help? (you can order via their website if you can't get some from a local meeting)


(if it would be at ALL possible for you to get BIL to ask her to attend Al-anon or AA with him, that has the possibility of doing a lot too...but that might be asking to much.)

[sammycat]

Do you think your MIL is in denial?  Does she think by allowing him to have 1 drink here and there that she can deny he is an alcoholic?   I watched a friend battle alcoholism.  She went into rehab for 3 weeks, came out, went to a wedding a week later and got completely drunk.  All it took was one drink to set her off again.  Thankfully she went back into rehab and hasn't had an alcoholic drink since (4 years I think).  

[mumma to KMC]

For BIL's sake, someone needs to convince his mother that her 'treatment' is a very poor idea.

Is there any way you can convince her to read something written by an expert? Watch an episode of Intervention? Attend a meeting for friends/relatives of substance abusers? Sit her down with a recovering alcoholic?

BIL is in big trouble, and he's not going to get out if he has his mother telling him he's doing the right thing. Yes he has to make his own decisions, but being undermined in good behavior and supported in negative (for him) behavior by a parent is a recipe for disaster.

Would your father be willing to talk to her about the dangerous road she's taking? Sometimes the only way to wake someone up is with a very cold dose of reality from someone who's been there, done that, and worn the tee shirt. Failing that, would he be willing to have a talk with your BIL? After all, at twenty he's an adult and needs to be treated as one. If someone can help your BIL see the light, he may find the strength to stand up to his mother and her ideas for 'curing' him of his alcoholism.

BIL is going to need a lot of help cleaning up his act, once he decides to do so. If his mother won't listen, maybe someone should start talking to him.

I understand why you don't want to involve your family history, but sometimes you have to swallow a bitter pill in order to help someone else.

And in the end, you have to let everyone else make their own decisions, for good or for ill. That's what the serenity prayer is all about: accepting that there are things you can change, and things you cannot.

Best of luck to you and to your BIL. You're both going to need it.

Sadly my father hasn't fully acknowledged his addiction yet. While his drinking has been cut back very much since the mid-90's (almost 10 years) he still drinks from time to time. Also, he has never met my BIL and probably never will...

My mil thinks she is an expert on most things and pretty darn knowledgeable about everything else. To have her sit down and talk to a recovering addict or to watch a show about addiction would go right over her head. To put it another way, this bil has a child on the way with a girl the family has never met (another story for another time), the girl is a, well you know and bil is a saint.

[mumma to KMC]

I see al-anon isn't the ideal suggestion...which does make it harder, but perhaps giving her some of their literature would help? (you can order via their website if you can't get some from a local meeting)


(if it would be at ALL possible for you to get BIL to ask her to attend Al-anon or AA with him, that has the possibility of doing a lot too...but that might be asking to much.)

I was planning on heading to the clinic I used to work at to pick up some literature and leave it out when she comes over.

BIL has to go to counseling and AA as a part of his release in a few weeks. (This was a part of his parole from his prior jail time but for some reason, it "slipped" through the cracks.) Since I used to work at a clinic that deals with addictions, I put together a packet of referral  information. (My former clinic is way out of his price range w/o a sliding fee scale.) The packet includes the area community mental health clinics as well as all the AA meetings in the area.

I don't think that she would go with him to a meeting but she might be coerced in to attending a counseling session with him. (Fingers crossed)

[Musicwoman]

Does your BIL know your mother is planning to do this?  If he doesn't know, you should tell him.  Far better that he can work out a strategy for dealing with the situation in advance, than have MIL hand him a cold beer out of the blue. 

Otherwise, how he deals with offers of alcohol is HIS problem.  Yes, offer him help and support.  But she won't be the first or the last to offer him alcohol.  Some people are ignorant.  Some are malicious.  Some genuinely believe that alcoholics can learn to drink moderately.  And some, like your MIL, are deep in denial. 

I wish him, and all your family, all the strength and luck in the world to deal with this mess.