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Enabling Mother In Law

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mumma to KMC:
I hope that some of you might have some advice on what I am about to present...

My dh's youngest brother is currently spending some time in the county jail for 2 alcohol related offenses. While we aren't sure exactly what happened (because the story gets mangled once it hits my mil) we think he was picked up for a failed drug screen (he is out on parole for another offense) and he was also arrested for public intoxication. (I think the PI arrest was a drunk driving arrest but I can't confirm.) He has acknowledged to his parents, his lawyer and the courts that he is an alcoholic and a drug addict. It is in court documents. Part of his getting out in two weeks hinges on him getting treatment for his addictions.

Let me just say that dh's parents are not drinkers. A glass of wine MAYBE at dinner for a special occasion. (Christmas, New Year, Easter) I have never actually seen my  mil take a sip of anything harder the Seven Up. My fil will enjoy some wine or scotch every once in a while. A bottle of something will last him years. Dh's older sister and her dh brought back some beer from out west (locally brewed stuff) and left it at my in laws. My fil offered it to his other daughter and her husband as they would use it sooner then they would.

MIL told him not to give it to them because she wants to keep it around for Jailed BIL. To teach him how to drink responsibly. By giving him one beer a day. Until he no longer needs to drink. (BIL is over 21)

I am the daughter of an alcoholic. I fortunately (if one can say that) have a father who would only drink at home and went to work each and every day, keeping the same job for the past 29 years. However, I know better then to make the beer run for him or enjoy a "cold one" with him while watching tv. I had a dry wedding reception due to his drinking. I have done the research on being the Adult Child of and Alcoholic...I know for the most part how to stay distant yet offer support if needed.

Does anyone have any idea what to say to MIL or how to present information to her that shows she is WRONG and not helping him at all?

If anything, thanks for letting me get this out...I was stunned by it all!

ZipTheWonder:
I can't imagine that any information you give her is going to convince her that she's wrong.  And, really, when all is said and done, it is his job to make healthy choices about his alcohol use, regardless of what other people leave around the house.

I'd stay out of it....

Verruca:
Is your MIL in Alanon?  Maybe you can use your own experiences here, tell her you're going to an Alanon meeting, and ask her to come with you just for support.

I agree that you can't convince her of anything - but you can try to get her into an environment where she's getting good information about how to best help her son and herself.

mumma to KMC:

--- Quote ---Is your MIL in Alanon?  Maybe you can use your own experiences here, tell her you're going to an Alanon meeting, and ask her to come with you just for support.
--- End quote ---

She isn't in Al anon and I doubt she would even go. We don't have any meetings around here...they did a few years ago but for some reason they don't anymore. I know she is a believer in keeping problems in the family and not airing your dirty laundry to "outsiders" so to getting her to go if there were a meeting would be hard.

I was thinking of leaving my copy of the the Big Blue Book out next time she comes over as well as some other reference material about addictions. She doesn't know my dad is an alcoholic and I don't feel comfortable bringing it up. (Not because I am ashamed, it is his issue, not mine...but because this lady is very judgmental and will some how use it later to make dh and me look bad.)

Bethalize:

--- Quote from: karolsmumma on January 01, 2007, 01:31:23 PM ---I was thinking of leaving my copy of the the Big Blue Book out next time she comes over as well as some other reference material about addictions.

--- End quote ---

The problem here is how to get her to recognise her role is also a problem, not just the drinking. Perhaps some literature with scenarios with enablers would jolt her?

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