Enabling Mother In Law

[kherbert05]

karolsmumma,

      I think the literature and trying to get your MIL to go a counseling session with BIL is a good idea. Tough love is hard on the whole family, but it can save lives.

I have an Uncle who is in recovery. When his two (then) teenage sons got in trouble with drinking, dropped out of school, and though he would pay them for work and they wouldn't have to show because they where the "boss's kids - he kicked them them out of the house.

    Now he paid 1st and last months rent on a room and board for each of them, he told them if they showed up and worked they would have a job (fishing and processing the fish so very hard labor). Some people in the family criticized him, because they supported him when he had his troubles. He politely told them - yes and you did it out of love - but I have no memory of my older three children's childhoods because I was drunk.  I don't want that for my sons. (Both boys had fathered children - Uncle and Aunt did make sure both grandchildren were safe and cared for) Other family members did listen. They reached out to the boys, had them over for meals, encouraged them to go to Mass, but did not give them money, bail them out, or allow them to drink around family members. Both boys hit bottom and got sober, and are responsible parents now. It also sent a clear message to the younger cousins and we haven't had much of a problem with them.

I'm older than the boys - so I saw three Uncles (now all in recovery) go through downward spirals, and the death of a 4Th uncle. It is is a scary thing to watch when you are the niece - I can't imagine being the child.  I took my Uncles decades to get sober. It took the boys a year to three years. I thank God my Uncle and Aunt had the guts to throw the boys out - or everyone might still be picking up the pieces after them - or they would be dead. I honestly believe Uncle and Aunt probably saved several other younger cousins (their nieces and nephews). They saw what happened with the boys, and made the decision to wait till they were adults to drink - or to never drink.

I honestly believe that some people in my family just can't physically handle sedatives including drinking.

[mumma to KMC]

I think the literature and trying to get your MIL to go a counseling session with BIL is a good idea. Tough love is hard on the whole family, but it can save lives.

Dh and I "cut" bil out of our lives last summer when we realized he was heading down the wrong path, again. When he got out of jail the first time we offered support. However, all the "changing" he did in prison disappeared about 3 months after he got out. Our reason for cutting him out was our son. We don't need our son to be witness to bil's lifestyle. That was tough on us because that meant having to leave family parties where bil was present, not going out to dh's parents because he would be there (not that I minded that too much) and so on.

[Scritzy]

My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic — fortunately not the sort who came home and beat the kids and wife; he would come home drunk, make everyone get dressed up and herd them all down to services at the Church of God because he liked the music. Despite what he didn't do (i.e., abusing the family physically), I see the effect his acoholism had on my mother. For instance, she gave up on school and dropped out because they moved all the time. Nanny was embarrassed at Papa's behavior and wouldn't stay in one place for very long. I think Mother went to about a dozen schools.

Chip's sister, Evil, has been an enabler to her drunken ex (whom she still lives with, despite their being divorced) for so long that she doesn't even know what an addict is anymore. To go into all the misery caused by this man's booze habit would take a book the size of an unabridged dictionary.

I think it goes without saying that your MIL is making a grave mistake, but from what you have said here, she probably isn't able to see it. When I worked at the parish, I learned that there were members, former alcoholics, who would not even take a sip of wine at the Eucharist, they were so afraid of what just one taste of alcohol would do to them. To try to "teach" someone to drink responsibly when the person has an addiction is just plain horrible.

I feel for you. Keep us posted on how things turn out.

[platys]

I wonder if someone fed your MIL a line about how since they don't drink much, your BIL never learned to drink "responsibly", and that's why he's an alcoholic.  Because I hear that kind of nonsense all the time in my family (many of whom are pretty dingdangity alcoholic, and is one reason why I have rules about how much and when I'll drink).

[mumma to KMC]

I wonder if someone fed your MIL a line about how since they don't drink much, your BIL never learned to drink "responsibly", and that's why he's an alcoholic.  Because I hear that kind of nonsense all the time in my family (many of whom are pretty dingdangity alcoholic, and is one reason why I have rules about how much and when I'll drink).

Hmmm...interesting. I am sure she probably read something like that somewhere or heard it, who knows where this lady gets her ideas.

I told my dh when BIL starts back with the pill popping she is going to hand out his pills one at a time to make sure he doesn't OD. Oh wait, she did that when her sister (a nurse practitioner) wrote an rx for brother in law for Ambien. I about fell over when she mentioned nonchalantly that he had to come to her to when he was having a hard time sleeping to get a pill.

[Clara Bow]

Your mother in law is in denial and I don't think that there is anything that you can say that will snap her out of it. It's kind of like waking up a sleepwalker, you could "scare them to death" (urban legend I know, bu it serves my purposes). I think that I would stay out of it, but I would not allow BIL to drink in my house. No matter what MIL says. And I think that when MIL is ready for reality you should share your experiences with her. But this is not the time.