How do I tell her to stop calling so much without hurting her?

[Julia Mercer]

Here's the situation

On another forum I am on, there is this one lady, and her developmentally challenged sister (I mentioned that, because it will come clear later on) who just lost their mother suddenly, and the sister doesn't have many friends. I briefly met them in Nashville in June at a Fan Club party, and they've both emailed me a bit here and there, and the older sister emailed me recently thanking me for the support and sympathies and birthday thread I started on that board for her, so we exchanged phone numbers, and after talking to the sister a couple times, she calls constantly. She's a sweet gal, but very lonely, and not very etiquettely aware, due to her condition I guess. I say this, because tonight when she called, we were talking about Christmas and how I was finishing up my shopping, and she asked if I got her anything, and how she loves getting gifts. I'm going to send her something small from Canada, just to put a smile on her face

She also tells me about the meds she's on, and what they're for and all, and just rambles on, but hey, I let her talk, because she really has no one else but her sister.

What I want to know is how do I get her to stop calling constantly, without hurting her feelings? I don't want to alienate her, and I love talking to her, but I'm at a loss here, so I thought I'd ask my EHellion family for some advice. FWIW, the one lady is 41 and the sister is 39. I feel bad that they lost their mother, and I want to be there for them and all, but hey.............

Thanks bunches,

Jules

[Lisbeth]

Well, I might say something like:

"I'm very sorry about what you've been going through, but it sounds like you need more help than I can give you in our phone conversations.  I hope you can find a professional counselor or therapist who can help you.  In the meantime, I need to get back to work.  I hope things go better for you soon and that we can talk when you're feeling better."

A bit indirect, I admit, but I can't think of a more tactful way to phrase it right now.

[MineralDiva]

Jules, if you have caller-id...use it to screen your calls.  When you see it's her, don't answer the phone.  Let it go to voice-mail or your answering machine.  If you choose to talk to her, then pick up the phone.  Otherwise...as far as she's concerned, you're not home.

It's okay to have a life beyond talking to these people.  No matter how sorry for them you feel.  If their constant calling is causing an issue for you...simply remove yourself from the equation, until you're ready for contact.

If you've always been at their back and call, they have no reason to imagine that won't continue to be the case, until you demonstrate that it is not. 

No need to be nasty or have words about it, or feel guilty for it.  Simply make yourself less available, and only on your terms. 

[Clara Bow]

Have you considered talking to her older sister about it? Maybe she can gently tell her sister to give you a little space. It might be easier to hear from her.

[sammycat]

I ditto MineralDiva.  Caller ID is one of my favourite inventions!  Don't feel guilty because you want (are entitled to) a life beyond this lady.

[Adah]

I love Caller ID.

[leaf_eater]

I have a lot of experience with people with developmental disabilities. I suggest you clearly tell her that you are busy and define what an acceptable calling schedule is. She may be very literal and not get hints or nuances. And she will be hurt if you just ignore her. Once you talk to her about it, stick to the schedule and tell her so if she calls in between. Maybe she could email in between if it's important (to her). People with developmental disabilities are often lonely and can overwhelm those who do show them attention. But if you can spare a few minutes every few weeks to chat with her, she'll probably be delighted. You could even send her a calendar with "Call me!" written into the squares when you would be available to take her call.

[kiero]

In highschool I had a 'friend' who was like this.  She had been at my school (a few grades below) and went to a different one and would call me almost every day.  I finally told her she could call once a week and gave her a specific time on a specific day.  She religiously called for many month at that time and I would talk to her (well listen to her talk) for 30 to 60 minutes.  Then I would tell her firmly that I had to go and that I would look forward to her next call. 

Over the year her calls got shorter and she would start to skip weeks.  That might not happen in your case - but if you set firm boundaries it should help.  Personally if you like her and want to keep your raltionship I would use caller ID to maybe only answer one other time per week for the first little while.  Then just use caller ID to only answer at the alloted time and she should get the idea. 

[Bijou]

Here's the situation

On another forum I am on, there is this one lady, and her developmentally challenged sister (I mentioned that, because it will come clear later on) who just lost their mother suddenly, and the sister doesn't have many friends. I briefly met them in Nashville in June at a Fan Club party, and they've both emailed me a bit here and there, and the older sister emailed me recently thanking me for the support and sympathies and birthday thread I started on that board for her, so we exchanged phone numbers, and after talking to the sister a couple times, she calls constantly. She's a sweet gal, but very lonely, and not very etiquettely aware, due to her condition I guess. I say this, because tonight when she called, we were talking about Christmas and how I was finishing up my shopping, and she asked if I got her anything, and how she loves getting gifts. I'm going to send her something small from Canada, just to put a smile on her face

She also tells me about the meds she's on, and what they're for and all, and just rambles on, but hey, I let her talk, because she really has no one else but her sister.

What I want to know is how do I get her to stop calling constantly, without hurting her feelings? I don't want to alienate her, and I love talking to her, but I'm at a loss here, so I thought I'd ask my EHellion family for some advice. FWIW, the one lady is 41 and the sister is 39. I feel bad that they lost their mother, and I want to be there for them and all, but hey.............

Thanks bunches,

Jules

I am for using caller ID (which I love) to screen your calls.  Ordinarily I support being open and direct to resolve problems, but sometimes another, less direct way is kinder and easier on all concerned. 

[blue_bunny_paz]

Personally I would say it depends on the frequency of the calls. For example, if you use caller idea and recieve call after call after call it may be easier to answer and explain the situation than to become neurotic waiting for the phone to ring again.

I hope that screening out calls when you do not feel able to answer works for you, as I agree that it is difficult to confront people on issues like this.