Notes- Ethan is 18 months old, ginger and loves to talk, whinge and complain... and eat. He also has a purr that rivals a V10 engine as far as volume goes.
Archie is almost three, tabby and silent but deadly- this cat has four bells on his collar but can remain entirely silent jumping from the floor to the bed or back down again.
Ace is 33, and the events chronicled below took place on a Saturday when I wasn't at home.
3.13 AM. Archie scratch eson the door of the bedroom- Dad's asleep? This cannot be allowed to continue! Ethan! Start crying, now!
3.15-3.23. Ethan cries every four seconds, with intermittent pauses of up to a minute, just to let Dad think that maybe he will shut up.
3.23. Ace gets up to open the door, glowering at the two beasts who are now lounging in the middle of the hallway, looking up at him with big, wide innocent eyes. What? You heard someone crying? There was somebody scratching on the door? Us? Really? Why would we do that? We're perfectly happy snoozing on the tiles. But while you're up, and you've got the door open, we'll take that empty half of the bed for ourselves for the rest of the night.
3.25. Ace returns to bed, having been to the bathroom, and while he was in the bathroom Ethan joined him, winding around his ankles and talking to his Dad, demanding First Breakfast. Ethan gets First Breakfast (1/4 cup of dry food, nothing more, nothing less). Upon return to the bedroom, Ace discovers Archie has taken up residence on his pillow, the warmest place on the bed, and is completely immovable.
3.39. Ace is now on my side of the bed, curled into an 'S' shape because Ethan has decided that the best place to sleep is behind his knees, and Archie wants to be on his chest.
4.15. Ethan finally stops purring and falls asleep properly, allowing Ace to return to dreamland.
7.25. Archie gets up and moves to Ace's forehead, licking his ears and waking him up.
7.28. Ace gets up to feed Archie, and is followed into the kitchen by both cats. After making himself a coffee and feeding them a half-tin of tuna for Second Breakfast before being evicted from the house - Archie saunters out at his own pace while Ethan winds around Ace's ankles, wanting to know why Dad gets coffee and he doesn't. Ethan has to be forcefully removed from the hallway- Ace's foot may have come into contact with his posterior at a rather high velocity.
8.15. Ace is back in bed wit his tablet computer, checking his e-mails and sipping at his rapidly cooling coffee. Ethan has been standing on the bedroom windowsill for ten minutes complaining that there's too much fresh air outside, and he's getting all this... *nature!* all over him and wants to be inside, instead. Rather than going all the way to the other end of the house to let him in Ace throws a shoe at the window, hitting the flyscreen and making enough noise to discourage Ethan from continuing his complaints.
9.32. Ace gets up to have his breakfast, deciding to eat on the front porch and watch the cats chasing locusts on the lawn. The instant he sits down, both of them go to the front door, demanding entrance into the house, because clearly that's the best place to be. Abandoning his toast and coffee Ace gets up to let them in, but by the time he gets to the door Ethan has vanished and Archie is alone rubbing his face on the flyscreen. Archie is let inside, and Ace returns to his breakfast to find Ethan whiskers-deep in his coffee.
Ethan is lifted out of the coffee by the scruff of his neck and whines pathetically that he was only going to drink a little bit, what's Dad's problem?
Ace empties the remainder of his coffee into the garden bed and is grateful that cats, generally, don't like peanut butter.
9.41. Ace has come back inside to watch The Walking Dead, Ethan is hyperactive, likely from the contraband coffee he downed earlier. This is not good. He is running up and down the length of the house, leaping over invisible barriers and attacking Archie whenever he gets in range.
9.42. CRASH. The 4' cat tree in the hallway has been up-ended by the smallest member of the family.
9.43. Ethan is evicted from the house.
10.12. Archie is stretched out, asleep, on the TV cabinet, tail flicking in front of the screen every few seconds and distracting Ace from his DVD. Ethan is climbing the window awnings and crying at the top of his lungs, demanding to be allowed back inside.
11.15. Ace decides to go for a walk. He leaves Archie inside, sleeping in front of the TV and Ethan streaks past him directly into the kitchen as he exits.
12.45PM. Ace returns home to find both cats sitting in the front hall, both exit at top speed before he has a chance to cross the threshold.
1.02. Ethan climbs onto the kitchen window while Ace is washing his lunch dishes, pressing his face against the glass and talking to him, telling him all about the butterflies he has been chasing and asking when lunch is going to be served.
1.14. Ace goes to the bathroom, only to discover that the toilet paper roll has been turned to confetti. The mess takes half an hour to clean up.
2.05. Both cats are allowed back into the house, and go directly to their bowls, sitting in front of them and looking expectantly at their father, Ethan complaining that there is nothing in his bowl, Archie's eyes narrowed as if to ask 'Why did you bring me here if there is no food for me?'
2.08. Archie is pushed off the kitchen bench after getting too inquisitive about the progress Ace is making with the second half of their tin of tuna. Ethan is winding around Ace's ankles talking him through the process, ensuring that he gets the bigger serving of fish.
Ace turns to put their tuna down and Ethan trips him, Ace goes sprawling across the kitchen floor, flinging the two (plastic, thankfully) bowls of tuna against the wall.
2.12. Ace looks up from his prone position on the floor to find two cats ignoring their stricken father, instead they are licking the tuna from the wall.
2.13. Resigned to his fate as a food-bringer and warmth-provider, Ace gets to his feet and goes into the bathroom to check himself for major lacerations. Archie follows.
2.15. Ace gets his own back for being tripped, both cats leap into the bathtub and demand the tap be turned on, because clearly water tastes better out of the tap than in a bowl. So he waits until both are under the faucet and turns it to full power, soaking both beasts.
2.30. Archie bites Ace on the hand as he attempts to clean the tuna off the kitchen wall, because clearly Dad is trying to steal his dinner. Archie is evicted, followed quickly by his brother who has left wet paw prints all the way ip up the hall.
3.00. Ace relents (now that both of them are dry) and lets the pair back inside, having put fresh kibble into their bowls and refilled their water dish, he settles himself on the couch to watch a TV show.
3.15. Mum (me) returns home, to find Ace asleep on the couch, Ethan on his stomach and Archie at his feet, the TV playing an episode of The Simpsons and both cats looking rather content.
The house smells of tuna and the tap in the bath is still running, but considering I'd half expected to come home to a smoking crater, the damage isn't too bad.