What's the etiquette for exchanging phone numbers?

[Spoder]

...is there any?

For example: Archie and Veronica volunteer at the same charity. They are both single and are friendly at work. Archie mentions that he sometimes does contract work from an office that is just around the corner from Veronica's house. Veronica writes down her cell phone number and gives it to Archie, saying 'Give us a call next time you're in the area, if you want to grab a coffee  '.

Is Archie supposed to reciprocate by giving Veronica *his* number? Or in dating etiquette, is he not supposed to give her his number, because it's sort of putting the ball back in her court?

Or am I entirely overthinking this (probably)?

[WillyNilly]

I think in this day and age if caller ID on cells (and land lines) only one half needs to give a number in the situation described.  Sure sometimes people exchange numbers, but in this case I think Veronica was doing a little flirt "here's how to ask me out, I'll say yes if you do".  So now its down to Archie - does he want to call and ask Veronica out?  He doesn't need to decide right then and there, she has laid out the when as "next time you're in the area".

[Spoder]

Thanks, WillyNilly.

What I'm thinking is that many people don't like getting calls on their cells from a number they don't recognize. So in the above scenario, would it be seen as more polite/friendly for Archie to give Veronica *his* number in return? Or not necessarily?

[Mental Magpie]

Thanks, WillyNilly.

What I'm thinking is that many people don't like getting calls on their cells from a number they don't recognize. So in the above scenario, would it be seen as more polite/friendly for Archie to give Veronica *his* number in return? Or not necessarily?

I was going to POD WillyNilly until I read this.  It reminded me of what I do in some situations.  I live in Missouri; my cell phone is from Colorado (home sweet home!).  Because my area code is none familiar to the area, I tell people, after they give me their number, "If you see a *specific area code* or Colorado number, it's me."  If I gave my number to someone with the same area code or one closeby, I never clarify.  I like to think that if I gave them a new number, they would be expecting a new number to be calling at some point.  Then again, that's what voicemail is for

[WillyNilly]

Thanks, WillyNilly.

What I'm thinking is that many people don't like getting calls on their cells from a number they don't recognize. So in the above scenario, would it be seen as more polite/friendly for Archie to give Veronica *his* number in return? Or not necessarily?

I guess that's a possibility... but in my personal experience I don't know folks who won't/don't answer unrecognized numbers. Maybe its my age - having grown up before caller ID I don't expect to know who it is necessarily. Maybe its because everyone I know is guarded about giving out their number yet at the same time only uses a cell (no land lines) so unknown numbers are generally legitimate, and to ignore them could mean missing a call from a legimate source (restaurant confirming reservations, prospective employer, friend calling from their office, etc).

I would think Veronica could have easily gotten around the unknown number issue if she cared by asking to exchange numbers (a common way I see is to say "oh give me your number and let me call you now so you have my number in your phone") or to have said "text me next time you are in the area". If se said "call" and didn't ask for Archie's number I don't think Archie was obligated or expected to give his.

[shivering]

Sounds like Veronica is casually putting herself out there and putting the ball in Archie's court. I don't think there is any need for Archie to give his number. If he's interested, he should be polite and give her a call a bit in advance (night before or at least morning of) to say that he'll be in her neighborhood and will be done around X time and wants to know whether she's available for coffee.

Calling with some notice is not only polite, but if Veronica doesn't answer, it then gives him the opportunity to leave a message with his number.

If Archie does indeed like Veronica, I'm sure he can find an excuse to be in her neighborhood or to stop by the office even if he's not really scheduled to work.

[Spoder]

Sounds like Veronica is casually putting herself out there and putting the ball in Archie's court. I don't think there is any need for Archie to give his number. If he's interested, he should be polite and give her a call a bit in advance (night before or at least morning of) to say that he'll be in her neighborhood and will be done around X time and wants to know whether she's available for coffee.

Calling with some notice is not only polite, but if Veronica doesn't answer, it then gives him the opportunity to leave a message with his number.

If Archie does indeed like Veronica, I'm sure he can find an excuse to be in her neighborhood or to stop by the office even if he's not really scheduled to work.

Hmm, thanks. This is what I thought, too.

I am Veronica. I gave Archie my number when we were both rushing off in opposite directions, and he didn't give me his back. Heard nothing from him for a week, so thought, oh well. But then I worked with him again and he said, 'Oh, could you give me your number again, I lost it when I had to get a new SIM card on my phone'. At the same time, he wrote his number down and gave it to me.

I was a bit nonplussed. The lost-number thing sounds weird (since I gave it to him on a scrap of paper). And I felt like he was putting the onus back on *me* by giving me his number, which vaguely rubbed me up the wrong way.

Would you feel the same?  (If I'm overthinking or being unfair, please be honest).

[Iris]

Sounds like Veronica is casually putting herself out there and putting the ball in Archie's court. I don't think there is any need for Archie to give his number. If he's interested, he should be polite and give her a call a bit in advance (night before or at least morning of) to say that he'll be in her neighborhood and will be done around X time and wants to know whether she's available for coffee.

Calling with some notice is not only polite, but if Veronica doesn't answer, it then gives him the opportunity to leave a message with his number.

If Archie does indeed like Veronica, I'm sure he can find an excuse to be in her neighborhood or to stop by the office even if he's not really scheduled to work.

Hmm, thanks. This is what I thought, too.

I am Veronica. I gave Archie my number when we were both rushing off in opposite directions, and he didn't give me his back. Heard nothing from him for a week, so thought, oh well. But then I worked with him again and he said, 'Oh, could you give me your number again, I lost it when I had to get a new SIM card on my phone'. At the same time, he wrote his number down and gave it to me.

I was a bit nonplussed. The lost-number thing sounds weird (since I gave it to him on a scrap of paper). And I felt like he was putting the onus back on *me* by giving me his number, which vaguely rubbed me up the wrong way.

Would you feel the same?  (If I'm overthinking or being unfair, please be honest).

I think you may be overthinking. People DO lose numbers when they change phones and they also lose scraps of paper. It's possible that he simply misplaced the scrap of paper and didn't want to make it sound like he was careless of your number, but that's a good thing, right?

He's not necessarily putting the onus back on you, either. Usually when people exchange numbers it is mutual. He may just have been too busy to make it mutual before (since you were rushing off in opposite directions).

TBH I'm a bit of an overthinker in relationships, even friendships. I usually find that the simplest explanation was the true one and I've tied myself up in knots over a teeny tiny detail, so I can sympathise. DH has learnt to let me hash out all the minutiae when I feel a need but I wouldn't expect it from anyone else.

Is this the same guy you were thinking of inviting to a bbq? Did you end up doing that? Sorry if that's an impertinent question

[DuBois]

Sounds like Veronica is casually putting herself out there and putting the ball in Archie's court. I don't think there is any need for Archie to give his number. If he's interested, he should be polite and give her a call a bit in advance (night before or at least morning of) to say that he'll be in her neighborhood and will be done around X time and wants to know whether she's available for coffee.

Calling with some notice is not only polite, but if Veronica doesn't answer, it then gives him the opportunity to leave a message with his number.

If Archie does indeed like Veronica, I'm sure he can find an excuse to be in her neighborhood or to stop by the office even if he's not really scheduled to work.

Hmm, thanks. This is what I thought, too.

I am Veronica. I gave Archie my number when we were both rushing off in opposite directions, and he didn't give me his back. Heard nothing from him for a week, so thought, oh well. But then I worked with him again and he said, 'Oh, could you give me your number again, I lost it when I had to get a new SIM card on my phone'. At the same time, he wrote his number down and gave it to me.

I was a bit nonplussed. The lost-number thing sounds weird (since I gave it to him on a scrap of paper). And I felt like he was putting the onus back on *me* by giving me his number, which vaguely rubbed me up the wrong way.

Would you feel the same?  (If I'm overthinking or being unfair, please be honest).

I think you may be overthinking. People DO lose numbers when they change phones and they also lose scraps of paper. It's possible that he simply misplaced the scrap of paper and didn't want to make it sound like he was careless of your number, but that's a good thing, right?

He's not necessarily putting the onus back on you, either. Usually when people exchange numbers it is mutual. He may just have been too busy to make it mutual before (since you were rushing off in opposite directions).

TBH I'm a bit of an overthinker in relationships, even friendships. I usually find that the simplest explanation was the true one and I've tied myself up in knots over a teeny tiny detail, so I can sympathise. DH has learnt to let me hash out all the minutiae when I feel a need but I wouldn't expect it from anyone else.

Is this the same guy you were thinking of inviting to a bbq? Did you end up doing that? Sorry if that's an impertinent question

I agree with this. Trust me, it is possible to lose slips of paper! I am very disorganised that way. Time will tell, but it doesn't sound to me as if he's blowing you off. If 'archie' is anything like me (I know I'm a woman, but still) he was probably thinking 'Oh no, I lost her number! What am I going to say :-[' If he was a little awkward, that is probably why.

[Spoder]

^Thanks for your honesty, Iris - I'm sure you are right! I am the queen of overthinking. 

I was sort of wanting him to have my number and me not to have his, to keep the onus on him (that might not be right, but it was my underlying motivation, I have to admit). So I was a bit    when he gave me his.

And yes, this is the bbq guy, but I never invited him. I decided I want to let him make the effort, if he's at all interested. (I may get slammed for being sexist by saying that, though).

ETA: Gahr posted while I was typing. Cheers, Gahr! Both of you confirm that I'm being too suspicious, good to keep in mind.

[Iris]

One last thing I will say; I think I've mentioned this before but I was exactly like you when it came to guys - if my friends hadn't intervened I'm sure I'd still be single. One thing that my friends taught me is that although guys will make a lot of effort to 'win' a woman that they are interested in, very few will do it without some encouragement from the woman. How far you are willing to go to show interest is up to you, but I just thought I'd put that out there...

Anyway, I'll take my nose out of your business now 

[Mental Magpie]

^Thanks for your honesty, Iris - I'm sure you are right! I am the queen of overthinking. 

I was sort of wanting him to have my number and me not to have his, to keep the onus on him (that might not be right, but it was my underlying motivation, I have to admit). So I was a bit    when he gave me his.

And yes, this is the bbq guy, but I never invited him. I decided I want to let him make the effort, if he's at all interested. (I may get slammed for being sexist by saying that, though).

ETA: Gahr posted while I was typing. Cheers, Gahr! Both of you confirm that I'm being too suspicious, good to keep in mind.

That only makes you sexist if you think its required in all situations.  If it is simply what you want in this situation, it makes you human.

I agree that you're overthinking, but that's because I'm the type to do just the same thing.  Then I spend hours/days convincing myself that while I am being rational, there are also other rational explanations.  I also agree that the onus is still technically on him since often numbers are exchanged instead of just one given.  It's on him because you told him to call you when he's in the area; it doesn't matter that you have his number.

[WillyNilly]

Quit worrying your pretty little head over this! So far you are doing everything right! (Well, insofar as what's written here.)

You gave your number - excellent flirt move. He lost it - doofus move but hey, it happens. He asked for it agin - good sign! And offered his because, well it'd be weird I think at that point not to offer his. But the ball is still in his court, right where you lobbed it.

So focus on being your best self, have a cute outfit ready in case of a last minute "hey turns out I'm in the area" call and go with the flow.

[Twik]

One last thing I will say; I think I've mentioned this before but I was exactly like you when it came to guys - if my friends hadn't intervened I'm sure I'd still be single. One thing that my friends taught me is that although guys will make a lot of effort to 'win' a woman that they are interested in, very few will do it without some encouragement from the woman. How far you are willing to go to show interest is up to you, but I just thought I'd put that out there...

I think this is one of those "romcom" things where men (or sometimes women) go to ridiculous lengths to get to know someone who has, for all the evidence, blown them off. Conventional wisdom may say that men don't hear "no" unless you say so clearly - but those are usually the annoying men you don't want anyway. Nice men hear, "um, maybe," and wonder if that really means, "Not if you were the last man on earth, and if you pursue this further, I'll pepper-spray you."

[Sootikin]

If someone gives me their number on paper I program it into my mobile and then throw the paper away, I think that's what Archie did too.