So frustrated at my DH - what do I say?

[Slartibartfast]

What do I do when I'm mad at my DH about something, and someone asks me about that topic?

DH and I have just joined a roleplaying game with some of our friends - they've all played together before, but we haven't.  Part of the game is to make a character and make up a history for them - tabletop roleplaying is pretty much group storytelling with guidelines, so it lets the GM (the one running the story) know where to go with it.  For example, if everyone decides their character doesn't know anything about guns, he won't design a scene that involves us having to shoot at things.  However, if people say their characters are CIA agents or marines or something, we may have some gunplay involved.

Well, our friend who is the GM asked us two weeks ago to send him a one-page description of our character so he can plan the story.  I sent mine right away, but DH hasn't done it yet.  DH never checks his email, so GM friend has been emailing me asking if DH has written this yet.

Our second meeting is tonight, and DH was supposed to do this a week ago.  It's a real inconvenience for our GM friend and everyone else in the group that DH hasn't done his "homework."  However, I'm really stuck trying to figure out how to respond when people ask me about it.

Part of me wants to say "it's his own darn fault and he hasn't done it because he's lazy like that" (true), but I don't want to make everyone else uncomfortable, and that response would make it clear DH and I are frustrated with each other right now.  I don't want people to feel like they're stepping into a spat.  On the other hand, I'm sick of making noncommittal responses about why DH hasn't done things like this that he is expected to do.

More dramatic version of this frustration will be coming tomorrow - we're in the middle of moving to a new house (previously renting from FIL), and DH had the bright idea that he didn't want to start packing until the absolute last minute.  I've been running myself ragged, but the movers were yesterday morning and I am DONE packing.  I just want to unpack the stuff here and get on with it.  However, there is still a lot of junk at the old house - everything that I didn't get to and that DH didn't have to actually pack for the movers, is still there.  (Dishes, clothes in the closets, random junk that DH just stuffed in corners out of the way instead of actually packing).  I have no intention of doing more about this - I haven't had more than 5 hours of sleep a night in the past week becuase I've been the one doing all the prep work.  I told DH that since he wanted to do it all at the last minute, he's welcome to it.  However, I know taht come tomorrow (when we're supposed to be out of the house), MIL and FIL will be asking *me* why we're not out yet.  (I really don't expect DH to do any packing today, despite it being really the last last minute.)  What do I say?

[Alida]

"I don't know, he hasn't run anything by me.  Why don't you ask him?"

Though I've noticed one thing with a married couple in our roleplay group: people automatically assume if spouse A knows something, spouse B does, too.  Or that spouse A knows whether or not spouse B has done their 'homework' and the like.  Stop that before it starts.  Really!

[Deetee]

There are (obviously) more issues here than how to respond to other people. Reading between the lines, you are very frustrated with your husand and would to express your frustration at him via other people.

Scenario One: Not your problem. You and DH are both playing a game. The fact that you are married is not important and the character sheet is between your DH and the GM. He's your husband, not your child and you aren't responsible for his homework. Let the GM you are passing on his messages. Don't worry about it. If anyone asks say "I passed on the GM's messages to him. How did yours go?" (Variation of bean dip coversation)

Scenario Two: This is serious. From my understanding, you have been packing and cleaning for weeks and he has done nearly nothing. This is incredibly unfair. If they ask *you* why the house isn't ready, tell them you have done your share of the packing and cleaning and the rest is DH's responsibility. In retrospect, it may have been better to divy up the chores and you may have to do that now. Arrange with DH which rooms you are each responsible for. Then, when asked, say "We divied it up and I did the kitchen, bathroom and spare room, DH chose the other rooms. I've got some other things to do now, bye!" They will see an immaculate kitchen, bathroom and spare room and drw their own conclusions.

Beyond that I will suggest couples counseling.  

[kathrynne]

I have threatened both my brother and my DH with "Round Tuits" as birthday gifts and putting "I'm Gonna" on their tombstones so the world will know into perpetuity that procrastination is a problem. It doesn't really help get anything done, but at least *I* get a chuckle out of it.

AlidaDmed is right that people assume couples are extensions of each other and that our brains somehow automatically HotSync every night so all information is shared without speaking.

He's a responsible adult and nagging isn't any fun. That's what I guess I'd say.

[cicero]

i agree with deetee that there is more here than just a simple etiquette question and you may want to deal with this in couples' counseling. as to your questions:

first scene: you happened to be married to each other but you are each playing on your own. you are not responsible for your spouse and vice versa. you'll have to continue with the non-committal replies.

second: I don't know because you wil have to get your inlaws involved - that could be sticky.

[Hijinks]

If it were me, I would say to my DH, "Honey, A and B keep asking me about your character.  We were supposed to send the descriptions back a week ago.  Can you please do it so that they get off my back?  Next time they ask me I am going to tell them to ask you."

And then, the next time they ask, I will tell them "He hasn't done it yet.  Please ask him, I don't know when it will be done."

It's rude of him to put you in the middle, if he knows that you're taking flak for it from the others.  If he's unaware of that, then just inform him of it.

[Slartibartfast]

he knows I'm getting stressed out about the house thing, but he honestly believes "I intend to get this done" is the same as actually doing it.  So he really was convinced that he coudl wait until two days before the movers come to start doing anything.  Then when the last minute comes and it becomes apparent that there's no time left (which was obvious to me from the beginning), he tries pulling compromises like "well we'll just clear off the furniture that needs to be moved, and we can throw the rest of the stuff in the bedroom, then move that tomorrow."  Then when tomorrow comes, he doesn't feel like doing it, and it's still sitting there.  We have been to counselling, and I have concluded this is something that really drives me nuts but I don't want to start threatening divorce every time he's unreliable.

I guess I'm hoping his parents will come down on him for breaking his promise about the old house (he said the whole thing will be ready by tomorrow, but that is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, I guarantee it).  But his dad thinks DH can do no wrong, so I will be curious to see what happens tomorrow.  Most likely, the ILs will see it as my fault somehow - we get along really well, but they keep expecting I will cure all DH's bad habits.

So far I've stuck with things like Hijinks suggested, but sometimes DH fails to do things that are blindingly obvious to anyone rational - like actually calling unemployment each week while he was out of work.  He literally had to make one phone call a week, and forgot 3-4 times.  FORGOT!  I can't do it for him, and I'd remind him 2-3 times a week, and he'd say "I'll do it later" and then not do it.  He was always remorseful about it, but I cannot for the life of me understand how you can FORGET to make a phone call that is your sole source of income.  I can't just shrug and say "I don't know why he does that but I think my DH is completely inept", even if sometimes that's what I'm thinking.

[caranfin]

Part of me wants to say "it's his own darn fault and he hasn't done it because he's lazy like that" (true), but I don't want to make everyone else uncomfortable, and that response would make it clear DH and I are frustrated with each other right now.  I don't want people to feel like they're stepping into a spat.  On the other hand, I'm sick of making noncommittal responses about why DH hasn't done things like this that he is expected to do.

Honestly, this wouldn't make me uncomfortable. I don't think it's bad to admit your spouse is human. I'd say this in a somewhat joking way, of course, but I think it's okay to say "He hasn't done it, and I've reminded him. There's nothing else I can do. He's a procrastinator."

However, I know taht come tomorrow (when we're supposed to be out of the house), MIL and FIL will be asking *me* why we're not out yet.  (I really don't expect DH to do any packing today, despite it being really the last last minute.)  What do I say?

"Because your son didn't do the part he promised to do. Would you like to talk to him about it?"

[LifeOnPluto]

Gee, this is a bit sticky. My advice would be to try and refrain from nagging him, and let your DH make hios own mistakes. If people ask you about your DH; eg "Why hasn't your DH submitted the character profile?" or "Why haven't you two moved out yet?" just say "I don't know. Ask DH".

As for the moving thing, maybe you could pack all of your stuff (eg clothes, books, knick-knacks, and anything that you brought into the marriage with you, etc) That way, all your stuff is guaranteed to be moved before the deadline, and YOU are all set to move into the new place. If your DH hasn't packed his gear, then that is his look-out.

[bopper]

You have to let your DH's problems be his.

About the role playing game:  I assume he has made a sheet about a character before?  Does he really want to get involved in this?  Is he busy with the moving? It almost seems as though he doesn't really want to do this.
But what should you say?"Honestly I have no idea why he hasn't done his sheet.  I reminded him last week. You should ask him."

Same thing with the moving.  "FIL, despite my protests, DH insisted on waiting on packing until 2 days ago.  You will have to talk to him about his plans for the rest of the stuff."

I would try to sit down and talk to him about this and how his actions affect others. Also, make sure you split tasks in the future so his in-action doesn't affect you.  Don't clean up his messes.

[scansons]

Have you tried asking him what the problem is?

My DH will put things of too, but it is usually a symptom of something else.  Is it possible that he's having trouble with not wanting to move?  Or perhaps some seemingly non-related issue at work?  Maybe something is causing him to pull back and ignore all that needs to get done.  And my guess is that you need to ask him what it is.

I think many men are not really good at diagnosing their inner problems, and so if you don't ask him what's bugging him, you may end up with a problem you have to deal with over and over again.

[Chocolate Cake]

This is another manifestation of his failure to send out thank you notes for wedding gifts.  As I recall, you had to do the entire job by yourself.   Clearly, whatever the "task/project/job" of the moment is, if he doesn't want to do it or sees no value in it, he's just not going to do it regardless of how you feel about it or how it affects other people.   This will come up again and again and again in your marriage unless he decides to grow up or become less selfish or however you want to word it.  

With regard to the role playing, the time has come to bow out of the exercise rather than keep the host/ess twisting in the wind.   Or, if possible, go without him.

With regard to the move situation, I hope you won't bail him out and help him pack his things.   If anyone complains about why some belongings are still there past the due date, throw the stinky mess back into his lap and let him deal with it.  

[jimithing]

As far as the overall lack of communication, have you actually sat down with him and had a serious discussion that the lack of commitment and communication really bothers you?  I don't know how long you have been married, but I know that DH and I still have communication barriers that we have to work on and we've been together for a while.  Sometimes it takes telling your partner directly that this upsets and hurts you in a different time and situation, rather than say things in the moment that it is occurring. 

DH and I have to check in with each other every so often to make sure that we're on track with each other and neither one of us is feeling resentful but not talking about it.  DH is a pretty passive person and I'm quite assertive.  I have learned that if he brings something up, even in passing or joking, that I have to really listen to what he is saying, because the fact that he is mentioning it all means that it bothers him.  Unlike me, where I will be direct and tell him so.  Marriage is hard and it takes a lot of work!

[Slartibartfast]

This is another manifestation of his failure to send out thank you notes for wedding gifts.  As I recall, you had to do the entire job by yourself.   Clearly, whatever the "task/project/job" of the moment is, if he doesn't want to do it or sees no value in it, he's just not going to do it regardless of how you feel about it or how it affects other people.   This will come up again and again and again in your marriage unless he decides to grow up or become less selfish or however you want to word it.   

With regard to the role playing, the time has come to bow out of the exercise rather than keep the host/ess twisting in the wind.   Or, if possible, go without him.

With regard to the move situation, I hope you won't bail him out and help him pack his things.   If anyone complains about why some belongings are still there past the due date, throw the stinky mess back into his lap and let him deal with it.   

The problem is, most of the time, I do have to bail him out.  We share the same checkbook, the same house, etc. so it's not like I can just let him neglect his responsibilities - they really do become my problem when they're not done.  In this case, my in-laws can't start showing the old place to new renters until we're out of it, so my DH is directly costing them money.  The game thing isn't so drastic (except for knowing he's making our GM friend's job much harder), but DH just flat out won't do things he doesn't feel like doing, even if he knows they need to be done, becuase he figures they don't have to be done *yet* and at some point in the future, he will feel more like doing them.  We've really tried to work this out between the two of us, but I just don't understand his point of view on this and he doesn't understand mine.  (Work first, play later?  Why?  Stop stressing out!)

Yes, I had to do all the TY notes by myself.  (I only got about 2/3 done, and I still feel guilty for that.  I don't know which 2/3, though, so I could never be sure to finish them up . . .)  DH sees no value in cutting the grass until the dog gets lost in it, or in doing laundry before he's entirely out of clothes, or in doing dishes that will just get dirty again . . . you get the idea.  I go crazy and break down to do things long before he gets around to feeling like taking responsibility for them, because I'm the one who also has to live with a dirty kitchen and no laundry and an overgrown lawn.

I know it's a real and serious issue that the two of us have to work through, and I guess this is another facet of it - I care enough about our relationships with other people that I want to be polite and do the right thing at all times, to keep from damaging them.  DH is sociable enough, but doesn't understand why I stress out about things like his procrastination over the game, where the consequences are intangible social things.  I just don't want to go around griping about my DH (except on here, where y'all don't know him!) to people we'll still be seeing 30 years from now - I don't want anyone to be able to say "Oh, they used to have these awful fights when they were first married!"

And jimithing, we have talked about it, some.  Unfortunately, talking about our relationship is one of the things DH doesn't like doing, so refuses to do unless he feels like it, which isn't often . . .

[Chocolate Cake]

 Unfortunately, talking about our relationship is one of the things DH doesn't like doing, so refuses to do unless he feels like it, which isn't often . . .
 

[[[[[Slartibartfest]]]]]]]  I'm really sorry.