So frustrated at my DH - what do I say?

[skbenny]

Years and years ago my daughter and I attended a seminar where we learned a truth that has served me well.  It might fit this situation.

I'm paraphrasing here, but "you do at any one moment what you value most at the time."

So he is not placing a large value on the move, I would ask myself why.  Is he resentful in some way of his parents? 

The game? I would bow out.  He maybe into it once he is there, but if you have to be the enforcer, what fun can it be for you?

[hellgirl]

The game thing isn't so drastic (except for knowing he's making our GM friend's job much harder), but DH just flat out won't do things he doesn't feel like doing, even if he knows they need to be done, becuase he figures they don't have to be done *yet* and at some point in the future, he will feel more like doing them. 

I care enough about our relationships with other people that I want to be polite and do the right thing at all times, to keep from damaging them.  DH is sociable enough, but doesn't understand why I stress out about things like his procrastination over the game, where the consequences are intangible social things. 

If possible, I would have him dropped (nicely) from the game, and play yourself. Say to the GM to go ahead without him if it isn't in by a certain date, and tell DH that the GM will go ahead without him in the game if it isn't in by that date. Then do it. Play without him. He doesn't see the social benefit, but you do. So you should reap the benefit, and he should miss out as a direct consequence of his actions. It seems harsh, and I'd understand if you don't want to play without him, but I know that people get dropped from groups because they're too hard to work with, and it would be sad if you were dropped as a couple, punishing you for your DH's failure to meet expectations.
At the least ask the GM to go ahead without his character info, and if it doesn't suit him then his character will just have to suffer. Again, a direct consequence of his actions.

I have no good solution for the housemoving problem, unless you are close enough to your inlaws to approach them in an upset fashion saying 'I'm so worried we won't be moved out on time and will cost you money, but I just can't do all this by myself and please help me'. It's possibly a bit too underhanded. But it would make it clear to them that you are worried about inconveniencing them, and are trying, but need help.  They will figure out for themselves where that help is not coming from. It's probably a terrible idea as I can't imagine your DH would be thrilled, and he may just dig his heels in more. Sigh.

[RandomAngel]

Embarrassingly enough, I can really identify with your DH.  It's nearly impossible for me to force myself to do anything other than what I feel like doing right then.  I'm lazy.  I procrastinate.  My room (and then my apartment) was always the sort of mess that made people's eyes widen even after they claimed to be "messy, too."  I'm not trying to defend him--it's got to be incredibly frustrating to be in a relationship with either of us.

So.

My wonderfully loving--and organized--FH has a few successful coping strategies to avoid the resentful overworked martyr thing:

1) He offers trades.  "Will you empty the dishwasher?"  "Not right now."  "But honey, if you do, then I'll be able to make you popcorn."  Or..."Will you dust?"  "I really, really hate dusting."  "Okay; I'll dust if you vacuum while I do."

2) He gets really specific.  He has long since stopped asking me to "clean up"--he mentions one or two manageable tasks on any given day.  And it's not "the floors" or "the bathroom" anymore; it's "the kitchen floor," or "the bathtub."  And then the next day it's some other piece.

3) He has a system.  If I don't have a "spot" for something, I'll just leave it any old place.  When I would come back from trips with souvenirs and not know where to put them, I would just live out of my suitcase until all of the clean clothes in it were gone, and then it would sit in the middle of my floor with the non-clothes stuff still in it until I kicked the whole thing into a closet a month or three later.  FH has a place for everything, and now that he knows that it makes such a difference in the likelihood of my putting things away, he is extra-vigilant about the organization, and about making sure that I know where everything goes.

4) We do these things together.  I'll do un-fun stuff on occasion when I'm alone, but if he's here and doing anything that looks like more fun, I'll want to do the fun thing instead.  So he's learned that the vacuuming/dusting trade in #1 won't work if he dusts first and then waits for me to vacuum--I'll put it off, and then I'll assume that it wasn't such a big deal after all, and then I'll forget.  So part of the deal is that we do those things at the same time.  And starting is the hard part, so if he happens to finish his wedding-planning phone calls before I'm done with my shower thank-you notes, I'll still finish them--there might even be popcorn in it for me.

It's true, as people have pointed out, that he's an adult, and you're not his parent.  But a little parenting may be in order...and it may help.  And compromises that don't make us crazy are what relationships are built on.

And lastly, I think it's really sweet that you don't want to call him out to your friends/family.  Your frustration and anger are between the two of you, and there's no upside to trashing his bad habits in front of others.  On the other hand, it's important for your stress level that people in your lives know what they can and cannot expect...from both of you.  So I think that the advice you're getting to direct people to him when they have questions about what he has(n't) done is also good, if you can manage it without letting the crankiness show.  There will likely be times when it your best option will be to cover for him--to just do the thing you know he won't do--but if the people around you have an idea of what to expect from him, there won't be quite as many of those times.

[Bijou]

I think the reasons people have for procratination can go deeper than the person simply not bothering to get around to something.  I think we are all guilty of this at some time, myself included, and I have to admit it drives me up the wall when people do it and it affects me in some way. 
.

[Tabris]

Slartibartfast, you're getting some good advice here. I'd suggest that you read "The Dance of Intimacy" for the section on overfunctioners. You and your husband have a classic overfunctioner/underfunctioner relationship. The author of thebook, Harriet Lerner, would suggest that you show your husband your vulnerable side and "get in touch with his competency."

I would add in, let his problems hit the fan. The fact that your stuff in the house is costing his parents money is NOT in fact your problem. It is his parents' problem. Let them deal with it. If they complain, hand the phone to your husband. His behavior is not new to them. THey will remember that he used to do this when he lived with them, and I'll bet you dollars to donuts, they'll pack the stuff for you and deliver it to your new place.

About the game--go play it yourself. Or email the GM and say, "he's not going to do it until he absolutely has to, and right now, I'm de-involving myself. I still want to play. When we arrive on Friday to play, hand him your laptop and say, 'You go in the kitchen and type up your character sheet. Slartibartfast will begin playing now. When you're done, bring it to me, and I'll figure out whether I can work you into tonight's scenario."

But the issue here isn't really the game or the move, and you know that. It's your husband's tendency to wait around for someone to take care of him, and your tendency to function in high-gear to take care of everyone else's needs. But Slartibartfast, while you're taking care of the needs of your husband, your in-laws, and the GM, who is taking care of your needs?

[caranfin]

I just don't want to go around griping about my DH (except on here, where y'all don't know him!) to people we'll still be seeing 30 years from now - I don't want anyone to be able to say "Oh, they used to have these awful fights when they were first married!"

That's a huge leap. Simply telling someone "I don't know why DH hasn't done his sheet, he knows you need it" is not having a public fight. And no one expects you to never have the slightest disagreement. By refusing to put the blame where it belongs, you are enabling him. As long as you come up with excuses for his inaction, he suffers no consequences. Now of course I understand why you are unwilling to let the checkbook slide, or the lawn, or the laundry. That would hurt you as well. But if he wants to play the game, and he can't play because he didn't get his work done, he is the only one who is hurt.

[Elfqueen13]

Our GM would sit your DH at the table and have him create his character while the rest played.  DH would then have to wait for an appropriate time in-game to introduce his character to the group.  If the GM asks you, refer him to your DH.

As for the packing, I've found the phrase "you asked me to remind you" to be fairly effective when B^3 is putting things off further than is wise. 

[Bethalize]

"you do at any one moment what you value most at the time."

<fx>applause</fx>

So when you don't get back to me in two weeks I know that every single thing you did in those two weeks was more important than making the one minute phone call to say yes or no. Actions really speak louder than words.

[ShadesOfGrey]

"you do at any one moment what you value most at the time."

<fx>applause</fx>

So when you don't get back to me in two weeks I know that every single thing you did in those two weeks was more important than making the one minute phone call to say yes or no. Actions really speak louder than words.

It's taken me a long, long time to realize this, and I am still working on it. 

[Oxymoroness]

DH sees no value in cutting the grass until the dog gets lost in it, or in doing laundry before he's entirely out of clothes, or in doing dishes that will just get dirty again . . . you get the idea.  I go crazy and break down to do things long before he gets around to feeling like taking responsibility for them, because I'm the one who also has to live with a dirty kitchen and no laundry and an overgrown lawn.

Have you tried setting deadlines? This could be another issue that boundaries could help.

I'd go and price out how much it would cost to hire someone to mow the lawn. Then "DH, the lawn needs to be mowed in 2 days. If you don't do it by then I'm hiring X to do it ... and the money is coming out of the beer budget."

As for the laundry, "DH, the laundry needs to be done by Saturday. If you don't do by then, I will do it, but I am only washing my own clothes."

As for the kitchen... if you're the one who cooks, then take ownership of that room. Make it totally yours. If he doesn't like what you're doing with it, then tell him he needs to help clean it up on X day of the week every week, and he can then have say in the decor. (Or, if he's the one who cooks, price out how much it will be to hire a person to clean it and use the same tactic as the lawn.)

Sometimes open-ended "to-do" lists never get done because some people just don't know how to set time tables for themselves. But if there is a clearly communicated schedule (and consequences for not following it), then it's easier to know exactly when something needs to be done.

[NOVA Lady]

Just wanted to share some tips that help me with my sweetie. When we first lived together I was so resentful.... I did everything--cleaned because he never thought to do it, washed the laundry--because he would just fling it around and never "felt like it", handled all of the finances--because he would forgot to pay things on time, and so on. I tried a few strategies with varying degrees of success....

Going on Strike

I continued doing my own laundry, washing the dishes I used (we had a dishwasher!), picked up stuff I left out but then let all of his things fester. This didn't work...the mess drove me crazy and didn't effect him at all.

I'm Not Your Mommy!

I decided I would continue to clean but anything He left a mess--everything dirty dishes left on the coffee table, empty soda cans, clothes in the living room, work tools, CDs, anything and everything would be getting thrown into a newly purchased large Rubbermaid container with lid. I would then take the container down the hall to our storage room and would lock it in there.

The result was a lot better. The first time he realized anything was wrong (because the place was clean) was when he ran out of socks and asked me where I had put the laundry. I told him that I had washed everything in the hamper and put it away. "But.....I don't have any socks!"...."Were your socks in the hamper? I only washed the dirty cloths in the hamper" "Well were are the other cloths?"...."Oh....well I needed to clean up so I put them in the storage room in the green rubbermaid container for you to sort out when you get to it."

A few days later (lol yes!) we goes to the storage room, wheels the storage thing back to our living room, opens it and freaks out "Why are my cloths all mixed up with garbage?" ....."Oh, well I didn't know what was garbage and what needed to be washed or kept so i just put it all in here for you to sort out when you had a chance."

I think he saw the light. I continued to doing a "'clean sweep" every day and anything he left out went into the box for him to "sort out later". Amazingly, eventually he began throwing out his own empty food containers, put away (or at least stack in one area) his CDS, and put the dirty cloths in the hamper.

Now it was time for my next move.

You Need to Help Too

Now that he seemed to grasped the put it away and throw it out concept I moved on to getting him to actually help. What I have found works....

1. Ask him to do something very specific. If I said "Can you clean the bathroom" he would either do a lazy job, or just not do it. I realized it is because he needs more concrete things to do. So now I say, "Can you fill the tub up with hot water and pour in some bleach? After that, you can swiffer the floor to get all the hair and junk up. The toilet cleaner and brush are under the vanity sink, clean under all of the rims. Thanks baby!" This got better results.

2. Give and take. Laundry was always a loosing battle, he just hates it....but I don't mind it. So I do it, because it was becoming too much of a fight. I however hate dusting, but it is something I can get him to do.

3. I was very clear to him about how his lack of helping made me feel. I didn't make statements like "You don't care about me...." I used the "I think/feel/want/need" angle.


Believe me I know how frustrating this is. I just realized he isn't organized, he doesn't think to do these things on his own. The constant nagging and fights so loud I am not embarassed was just not working, there was so much stress.

[kethria]

Awww Slarti ((HUGS)))

I was in a marriage for 9 years that was just like this. It was awful. I'd ask DH to do something and he would say "I will do it when I feel like it!" If I didn't mention it again then  it was my fault because I didn't remind him. If I mentioned it more than once, I was "nagging" and then he refused to do it to "punish" me. (Ex it took him 6 months to hang some curtains. Curtains my mother made staying up late 2 nights in a row... because HE needed them NOW)

The lawn would get so high that the HOA would send fines. His response was that HOA's were BS anyhow. When he was out of work (which was 40% of the time) he could never be bothered to file for unemployment. So my pathetic salary was trying to support us.

Now he is living in his parent's basement, complaining about how he can't wait until I pay him the rest of the equity in the house because he has no money. Nevermind the fact that he refuses to get a job and is planning a "vacation" in Orlando.

It took me a few months to realize it was NOT my fault and that I needed to be glad that I was no longer in that situation. Now that he is gone, the house is clean and stuff gets done.

Hopefully your DH is a lot more responsive to everything than mine was.

Sorry about the vent.

[Sophia]

The good news is that there a chance, a small one, of him seeing some consequences of his inaction.  Since the house is owned by his parents, and they are the one effected, there is a chance they will come down on him. 

But, to answer your question, I think the chronic nature of his procrastination means that is time to 'throw him under the bus.'  Example:

"Husband, the stuff in the old house still needs to be moved."
"I am too busy playing this video game."
"Ok, when your parents ask me why we haven't moved out yet, I will tell them that is why."

Later
"DIL, why haven't you and our perfect son moved out of the house yet?"
"I took care of everything that has been moved.  He said he would rather play a video game than move stuff.  Maybe you could motivate him, because I am at a loss."

Sidenote:  I think the more you cover for him to other people, the more other people will come to you when DH doesn't do his part.   After all, people learn that things get taken care when they talk to you. 

[caranfin]

I decided I would continue to clean but anything He left a mess--everything dirty dishes left on the coffee table, empty soda cans, clothes in the living room, work tools, CDs, anything and everything would be getting thrown into a newly purchased large Rubbermaid container with lid. I would then take the container down the hall to our storage room and would lock it in there.

The result was a lot better. The first time he realized anything was wrong (because the place was clean) was when he ran out of socks and asked me where I had put the laundry. I told him that I had washed everything in the hamper and put it away. "But.....I don't have any socks!"...."Were your socks in the hamper? I only washed the dirty cloths in the hamper" "Well were are the other cloths?"...."Oh....well I needed to clean up so I put them in the storage room in the green rubbermaid container for you to sort out when you get to it."

A few days later (lol yes!) we goes to the storage room, wheels the storage thing back to our living room, opens it and freaks out "Why are my cloths all mixed up with garbage?" ....."Oh, well I didn't know what was garbage and what needed to be washed or kept so i just put it all in here for you to sort out when you had a chance."

I think he saw the light. I continued to doing a "'clean sweep" every day and anything he left out went into the box for him to "sort out later". Amazingly, eventually he began throwing out his own empty food containers, put away (or at least stack in one area) his CDS, and put the dirty cloths in the hamper.

(Caranfin stands up and applauds)

[jimithing]

Slartibartfest, I just saw this article on MSN and there are a lot of similarities to what you have said.  I think it's worth reading and may provide some good guidance and suggestions.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/couplesandmarriage/articlelhj.aspx?cp-documentid=5139134&GT1=10217