So frustrated at my DH - what do I say?

[kethria]

lationships[/color]/couplesandmarriage/articlelhj.aspx?cp-documentid=5139134&GT1=10217]http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/couplesandmarriage/articlelhj.aspx?cp-documentid=5139134&GT1=10217

Interesting similar topic on MSN relationships... which has apparently already been posted. I like what the therapist has to say.

[caranfin]

"you do at any one moment what you value most at the time."

<fx>applause</fx>

So when you don't get back to me in two weeks I know that every single thing you did in those two weeks was more important than making the one minute phone call to say yes or no. Actions really speak louder than words.

As an occasional procrastinator, I have to point out that when I don't do something, sometimes it's because it is, in fact, so important that I'm afraid to start, for fear of doing it wrong.

[Saki_Fiz]

I need help.

Those words sometimes produce a miraculous change in DF.  He is so used to me running the show that it doesn't really occur to him that not only do I not want to do everything, but that I can't do everything. 

I also read the msn article this morning.  It had some very good points.

[NOVA Lady]

"you do at any one moment what you value most at the time."

<fx>applause</fx>

So when you don't get back to me in two weeks I know that every single thing you did in those two weeks was more important than making the one minute phone call to say yes or no. Actions really speak louder than words.

As an occasional procrastinator, I have to point out that when I don't do something, sometimes it's because it is, in fact, so important that I'm afraid to start, for fear of doing it wrong.

That is the same thing I found with my DH. I would ask him to do something, and he knew how dissappointed I would be if it didn't get done and he would literally freeze up. Before I understood that I felt like he wasn't cleaning the kitchen/doing the laundry/picking up a crucial ingredient/whatever because he simply didn't care enough about me/our apartment/the dinner party/my happiness/stress for/whatever......and I was hurt, and then I was react very negatively towards him (screaming, name calling, silent treatment, so on).

It was a vicious cycle....I would ask him to do something, he didn't do it, I found out and got emotional and angry, next time he was asked to do something the pressure just built and built and built.

Once I realized he wasn't doing these things to intentionally hurt me....and he understood why I equated whatever it was he didn't do/take care of with his level of love, caring and respect for me things got better fast.

Apparently through all my screaming and crying and silence, I didn't really effectively communicate that he was in fact hurting me, and even if that wasn't his intention I felt disrespected, uncared for, unloved, etc..... But then again, hindsight is 20/20.

My rambling point is that in alot of cases the procrastinator doesn't have 100% of the blame for the problem, I was contributing to the problem in a very meaningful way. 

[LadyJaneinMD]

As someone who has never been married, it's easy for me to say this:

If he's going to act like a child, then maybe you need to treat him like one.  Make a schedule and make sure he sticks to it. Laundry is done on Monday, no exceptions. The video games get locked away until your chores are done. If your dirty clothes aren't picked up from the floor, then no game night tonight.

I know, poor suggestions, but like I said, I've never been married.

[jimithing]

As someone who has never been married, it's easy for me to say this:

If he's going to act like a child, then maybe you need to treat him like one.  Make a schedule and make sure he sticks to it. Laundry is done on Monday, no exceptions. The video games get locked away until your chores are done. If your dirty clothes aren't picked up from the floor, then no game night tonight.

I know, poor suggestions, but like I said, I've never been married.

I can see how this would definitely seem like a good idea, but trust me, as someone who is married, this is not productive to a healthy marriage.  I have often been in situations where I have had to make a decision based upon what I value.  Do I value being right, or do I value my marriage and the happiness of both of us?  This particular tactic, treating him like a child, would probably be fine if she wants to be "right", but this tactic will not be conducive to the overall growth of the marriage.  A marriage should be based on mutual respect, not on one person dominating or controlling the other.  There are other ways to approach this situation and if you start treating your DH like a child, believe me, he will rebel and will continue to push buttons and dig his heels in even further.

There have been many times where I know that I am right about something (which is always, BTW  ), but if a discussion has ended up in snippy comments or something being said, I will always apologize anyway.  I have seen way too many relationships and marriages fall apart because both people are so determined to be right, they lose sight of the bigger goal.  To have a successful, happy relationship, that doesn't end in acrimony and bitterness.

[kethria]

It all depends on how important the relationship is to the other party. I tried doing my own laundry, washing my own dishes, etc. It did nothing. Dirty dishes would pile in the sink until the smell would make you gag and then I would do it because I couldn't stand it. Every piece of silverware would be filthy and then he would get fast food. The lawn would get so bad there would be a fine. Nothing worked. Which is why I made him get out. (As far as the laundry went, he would wait until 7 am on a Monday, then do his laundry then email his boss about how his mean wife would not do his laundry...)

[Slartibartfast]

I really appreciate all the advice (and I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who gets frustrated with her spouse!)

UPDATE:  We went to the gaming thing yesterday.  It turns out we packed our character sheets somewhere we could find them, which means of course they were nowhere to be found.  I called our GM friend ahead and he had some blank sheets there for us, so I was pretty much able to recreate my character from memory (since I had already emailed the story, I just had to pick the numbers to fit).  DH pretty much started a new character, but presented a choice to the GM: I'm thinking of doing this way or that way, which would be easier with what you had planned?  So that's pretty much taken care of, I had a blast, and I'm really looking forward to next week.

The cleaning thing is less cheerful, but at least something happened.  Basically, I decided that since I have been cleaning and packing non-stop for the last 3 weeks, and DH wanted to leave everything until the last minute, I am now officially "moved" and anything left in the old house is his problem.  DH has been really helpful the last three days or so, but not much before that, so not surprisingly, there is still a bunch of junk left.

In-laws had someone coming to put in new carpet this morning (we were supposed to be out as of last night) and someone else coming to look at the house around noon, so at least DH realized this was a real deadline.  I did go over to the old house with him last night around 11:00 (when we finally had time after other commitments), but I basically loaded up my car with the easy-to-pack stuff and came home to go to bed after about half an hour.  DH got home at 3:30 AM, having cleaned most of it (I think), but still had a bunch of stuff left.  He moved it all into the kitchen and the laundry room so it wasn't on the carpet, but I'm sure my in-laws aren't thrilled about showing the house to a prospective renter while there is still junk in two of the rooms.

As predicted, MIL is upset and FIL is making excuses for DH.  We're having them both over for dinner tonight, then MIL and I will hang out (probably unpacking) at the new house, while FIL and DH go back to the old house and finish up.  FIL just had surgery on his foot, so he's not supposed to carry anything - at least DH knows this, so he'll still be doing most of the work.  I told both MIL and DH that I am done with the old house, and if my in-laws aren't satisfied with its current state, to talk to DH about it.  I feel really bad doing that, but this is one of the few times I have any leverage to make DH follow up on his procrastination promises.  Plus MIL already knows how frustrated I am about this personality trait of DH's, so I think she understands the deeper reason.

I really do appreciate all the advice on here - reading that linked article, I see a lot of me and DH in it.  He's not the complete slob the article talks about, but he certainly has his own time frame for things (he completely blows off my deadlines) and apparently "eventually" is a valid time frame for him.  Right now I just want to take two weeks off my job to unpack and unstress, but I can't do that :-(

[caranfin]

As predicted, MIL is upset and FIL is making excuses for DH.  

Let me guess. This has been going on... all his life?

[Sophia]

As predicted, MIL is upset and FIL is making excuses for DH.

Let me guess. This has been going on... all his life?

You beat me to it. 

[Punga]

I'm in favour of sitting down with him and explaining that when he doesn't clean up after himself, you feel like he doesn't value your time, and you feel hurt.  If he doesn't care that you feel hurt, maybe counseling is in order.

I am also in favour of consequences. 

"If you don't submit your history to the GM by the next game, we will play without you."  Maybe that doesn't matter to him, in which case you need to decide if he actually wants to play.

As far as dishes go, make sure that he knows when they are his responsibility.  My partner and I agreed that whoever makes supper also cleans up afterward.  This may sound like a lot of work, but it avoids guilt over using too many dishes, and frankly I am way less "ooged out" by dishes that I've made dirty myself, if you know what I mean.

Good luck!

[ninja710]

Embarrassingly enough, I can really identify with your DH.  It's nearly impossible for me to force myself to do anything other than what I feel like doing right then.  I'm lazy.  I procrastinate.  My room (and then my apartment) was always the sort of mess that made people's eyes widen even after they claimed to be "messy, too."  I'm not trying to defend him--it's got to be incredibly frustrating to be in a relationship with either of us...............

What a great post! I am very impressed with your FH

[Slartibartfast]

As predicted, MIL is upset and FIL is making excuses for DH.  

Let me guess. This has been going on... all his life?

You got it in one.  DH is his dad's only child, and his sisters (half-sisters) are 15-17 years older than he is.  FIL never really treated the girls the same as he treated DH, and he always snapped at my MIL if she tried to make DH do something like actually clean his room.  DH has never had to do housework or take responsibility for anything unless he felt like it.  He does realize he was spoiled, but that doesn't always carry over into actually *changing* his behavior.

[BethanyAnne]

This is another manifestation of his failure to send out thank you notes for wedding gifts.  As I recall, you had to do the entire job by yourself.   Clearly, whatever the "task/project/job" of the moment is, if he doesn't want to do it or sees no value in it, he's just not going to do it regardless of how you feel about it or how it affects other people.   This will come up again and again and again in your marriage unless he decides to grow up or become less selfish or however you want to word it.   

With regard to the role playing, the time has come to bow out of the exercise rather than keep the host/ess twisting in the wind.   Or, if possible, go without him.

With regard to the move situation, I hope you won't bail him out and help him pack his things.   If anyone complains about why some belongings are still there past the due date, throw the stinky mess back into his lap and let him deal with it.   

The problem is, most of the time, I do have to bail him out.  We share the same checkbook, the same house, etc. so it's not like I can just let him neglect his responsibilities - they really do become my problem when they're not done.  In this case, my in-laws can't start showing the old place to new renters until we're out of it, so my DH is directly costing them money.  The game thing isn't so drastic (except for knowing he's making our GM friend's job much harder), but DH just flat out won't do things he doesn't feel like doing, even if he knows they need to be done, becuase he figures they don't have to be done *yet* and at some point in the future, he will feel more like doing them.  We've really tried to work this out between the two of us, but I just don't understand his point of view on this and he doesn't understand mine.  (Work first, play later?  Why?  Stop stressing out!)

Yes, I had to do all the TY notes by myself.  (I only got about 2/3 done, and I still feel guilty for that.  I don't know which 2/3, though, so I could never be sure to finish them up . . .)  DH sees no value in cutting the grass until the dog gets lost in it, or in doing laundry before he's entirely out of clothes, or in doing dishes that will just get dirty again . . . you get the idea.  I go crazy and break down to do things long before he gets around to feeling like taking responsibility for them, because I'm the one who also has to live with a dirty kitchen and no laundry and an overgrown lawn.

I know it's a real and serious issue that the two of us have to work through, and I guess this is another facet of it - I care enough about our relationships with other people that I want to be polite and do the right thing at all times, to keep from damaging them.  DH is sociable enough, but doesn't understand why I stress out about things like his procrastination over the game, where the consequences are intangible social things.  I just don't want to go around griping about my DH (except on here, where y'all don't know him!) to people we'll still be seeing 30 years from now - I don't want anyone to be able to say "Oh, they used to have these awful fights when they were first married!"

And jimithing, we have talked about it, some.  Unfortunately, talking about our relationship is one of the things DH doesn't like doing, so refuses to do unless he feels like it, which isn't often . . .

Oh my word, that sounds just like my husband. Truly, I know how you feel, and when I figure out what to do with him I'll let you know.

[Gwywnnydd]

As predicted, MIL is upset and FIL is making excuses for DH.

Let me guess. This has been going on... all his life?

That's my vote