DH and I had similar problems, though not quite to the same extent.
He realized that I feel unloved and unvalued when he doesn't chip in his fair share. ("Acts of Service" is my love language, for anyone familiar with those.) He didn't want me to feel those things, so he would start doing stuff in an effort to love me. He still does little things that drive me nuts, but at this point, I take a breath and let them go, because the big things really are much better. We've gotten past "he helps me" (which implies that it's my job) to "we share" (it's our job).
I don't know if that's helpful to you or not.