Etiquette School is in session! > "Have you tried the bean dip?"

How long can someone bean dip?

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takeheart:
This past weekend DH and I were at a bonfire hosted by friends. The guests included a few of DH's coworkers, including a woman who I will call V. I had only met V one other time; it was brief and included no interaction, but I had heard stories about her poor attitude. After hot dogs were roasted and s'mores were made, guests were casually drinking, talking, and playing card games. Through out the night, V became more obnoxious as she consumed more wine. No one called her out on her behavior because "that's just how she is." Since she wasn't doing anything personal to me, I just bit my tongue.

However, when she started to direct her behavior towards DH, I became irate. As DH and his friend were playing a card game that most would consider "nerdy," she started belittling them and their game with obscenities. They ignored her and continued on. After spilling some drink on table, she told DH that he should clean it up with his clothes. When he responded that he wouldn't and said she should clean it up with her clothes. She responded, "My clothes actually cost money!" After the mess was cleaned, they continued with their game. She decided to make a hat out of paper towels and put it on DH's head. He removed it and set it aside. She did it again, so I removed it. She did it again! After I removed it again, she said, "Oh, looks like takeheart is getting mad!" and laughed. The last straw was when she was leaving, she slapped DH across the face 'playfully' but hard enough to be heard. Why? Because all night she kept saying that when she gets drunk that's what she does. What I did afterward would put me in etiquette hell for good! It was not my best moment, but I was livid at that point.

Afterward, she text DH with a text along the lines of, "Way to pick a wife. I would be concerned about whether she's mature and capable enough to raise children." (DH and I recently welcomed a baby boy two months ago). He responded, "That was uncalled for." She responded again, but he didn't reply this time. When I talked to DH about why he didn't say something to her, especially when her behavior was directed towards him. His response was that he knows he's better than her as a person and didn't want to stoop to her level. Also, she works with him, so he had to maintain composure to keep the peace at work.

My questions are how much bean dipping can a person do and what would others have done in a similar situation?

MsMarjorie:
I don't think this was a bean dip situation.

Really, the host should have told this person to leave, she sounds like the guest from hell.  If the host didn't remove her, then you probably should have left yourselves, which I know is unfair but seriously you were probably lucky to hold back from being physical after she slapped your husband.

What does your husband say she is like to work with?

Tai:
Wait, what? 

She belittled a coworker for playing a game at a party where she got so drunk she was making paper hats and putting them on said coworker, had an obscenity laced tirade over a game, slapped her coworker, then had the big brass ones to say *you*, a postpartum mom, were immature?  Girl, in order for you to have been considered immature and incapable, you would have had to be 35 Midori Sours deep and giggling like a teenager in sex ed, or alternatively sucking your thumb and wearing a onesie and diaper. 

Really? 

If your DH's phone is paid for by y'all, I'd block her texts post haste, and if and when it comes up at work, show the nasty texts to the higher ups as to WHY she's no longer permitted to text your husband. 

Mental Magpie:

--- Quote from: Tai on October 23, 2011, 12:31:01 AM ---Wait, what? 

She belittled a coworker for playing a game at a party where she got so drunk she was making paper hats and putting them on said coworker, had an obscenity laced tirade over a game, slapped her coworker, then had the big brass ones to say *you*, a postpartum mom, were immature?  Girl, in order for you to have been considered immature and incapable, you would have had to be 35 Midori Sours deep and giggling like a teenager in sex ed, or alternatively sucking your thumb and wearing a onesie and diaper. 

Really? 

If your DH's phone is paid for by y'all, I'd block her texts post haste, and if and when it comes up at work, show the nasty texts to the higher ups as to WHY she's no longer permitted to text your husband.

--- End quote ---

Oh, but don't you know, takeheart can't take a joke, she's too sensitive!  ::)

I would definitely keep the texts in case she tries to bring up the situation at work and to hassle your DH further.  That way he can show the texts to his higher ups and explain why he feels she is creating a hostile work environment.

I also don't think it's bean-dipping as much as it is, "You stop that right now you silly silly woman!  Do not treat my husband that way!!!"  Okay, so you probably shouldn't say that, but it's more along the lines of, "Your behavior towards my husband is unacceptable and I will not stand by idly while it continues."

takeheart:

--- Quote from: MsMarjorie on October 22, 2011, 11:37:07 PM ---What does your husband say she is like to work with?

--- End quote ---

From what DH said, her behavior at work is similar. She is very confrontational and defensive. Managers have had to talk to her about this, as well as getting along with other people in the office. I believe her boss, who was at the bonfire too and has been friends with DH since they were 8 years old, is going to have a talk to her about what happened. I believe he should. Even though the function was outside of work, her behavior towards coworkers were out of line. Not to mention DH is a manager. Not her manager, but a manager nonetheless.

I also wished that the hosts had stepped in, but it seemed everyone was trying to ignore her to either keep the peace or not wanting to egg her on. We had planned on leaving as soon as DH finished his game. She was actually on her way out when she slapped him though.

I spoke to DH about needing to confront her in some way, or at least be less passive. Even though his passive response has meaning to him, to her it only reinforces that she can get away with whatever she wants without consequence because he, and his coworkers, aren't going to do anything about it. At the same time, she only chooses men who will respond passively to her for that reason. I doubt she would have acted that way towards someone who was known for not having restraint towards men and women equally.

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