How long can someone bean dip?

[takeheart]

This past weekend DH and I were at a bonfire hosted by friends. The guests included a few of DH's coworkers, including a woman who I will call V. I had only met V one other time; it was brief and included no interaction, but I had heard stories about her poor attitude. After hot dogs were roasted and s'mores were made, guests were casually drinking, talking, and playing card games. Through out the night, V became more obnoxious as she consumed more wine. No one called her out on her behavior because "that's just how she is." Since she wasn't doing anything personal to me, I just bit my tongue.

However, when she started to direct her behavior towards DH, I became irate. As DH and his friend were playing a card game that most would consider "nerdy," she started belittling them and their game with obscenities. They ignored her and continued on. After spilling some drink on table, she told DH that he should clean it up with his clothes. When he responded that he wouldn't and said she should clean it up with her clothes. She responded, "My clothes actually cost money!" After the mess was cleaned, they continued with their game. She decided to make a hat out of paper towels and put it on DH's head. He removed it and set it aside. She did it again, so I removed it. She did it again! After I removed it again, she said, "Oh, looks like takeheart is getting mad!" and laughed. The last straw was when she was leaving, she slapped DH across the face 'playfully' but hard enough to be heard. Why? Because all night she kept saying that when she gets drunk that's what she does. What I did afterward would put me in etiquette hell for good! It was not my best moment, but I was livid at that point.

Afterward, she text DH with a text along the lines of, "Way to pick a wife. I would be concerned about whether she's mature and capable enough to raise children." (DH and I recently welcomed a baby boy two months ago). He responded, "That was uncalled for." She responded again, but he didn't reply this time. When I talked to DH about why he didn't say something to her, especially when her behavior was directed towards him. His response was that he knows he's better than her as a person and didn't want to stoop to her level. Also, she works with him, so he had to maintain composure to keep the peace at work.

My questions are how much bean dipping can a person do and what would others have done in a similar situation?

[MsMarjorie]

I don't think this was a bean dip situation.

Really, the host should have told this person to leave, she sounds like the guest from hell.  If the host didn't remove her, then you probably should have left yourselves, which I know is unfair but seriously you were probably lucky to hold back from being physical after she slapped your husband.

What does your husband say she is like to work with?

[Tai]

Wait, what? 

She belittled a coworker for playing a game at a party where she got so drunk she was making paper hats and putting them on said coworker, had an obscenity laced tirade over a game, slapped her coworker, then had the big brass ones to say *you*, a postpartum mom, were immature?  Girl, in order for you to have been considered immature and incapable, you would have had to be 35 Midori Sours deep and giggling like a teenager in sex ed, or alternatively sucking your thumb and wearing a onesie and diaper. 

Really? 

If your DH's phone is paid for by y'all, I'd block her texts post haste, and if and when it comes up at work, show the nasty texts to the higher ups as to WHY she's no longer permitted to text your husband. 

[Mental Magpie]

Wait, what? 

She belittled a coworker for playing a game at a party where she got so drunk she was making paper hats and putting them on said coworker, had an obscenity laced tirade over a game, slapped her coworker, then had the big brass ones to say *you*, a postpartum mom, were immature?  Girl, in order for you to have been considered immature and incapable, you would have had to be 35 Midori Sours deep and giggling like a teenager in sex ed, or alternatively sucking your thumb and wearing a onesie and diaper. 

Really? 

If your DH's phone is paid for by y'all, I'd block her texts post haste, and if and when it comes up at work, show the nasty texts to the higher ups as to WHY she's no longer permitted to text your husband.

Oh, but don't you know, takeheart can't take a joke, she's too sensitive! 

I would definitely keep the texts in case she tries to bring up the situation at work and to hassle your DH further.  That way he can show the texts to his higher ups and explain why he feels she is creating a hostile work environment.

I also don't think it's bean-dipping as much as it is, "You stop that right now you silly silly woman!  Do not treat my husband that way!!!"  Okay, so you probably shouldn't say that, but it's more along the lines of, "Your behavior towards my husband is unacceptable and I will not stand by idly while it continues."

[takeheart]

What does your husband say she is like to work with?

From what DH said, her behavior at work is similar. She is very confrontational and defensive. Managers have had to talk to her about this, as well as getting along with other people in the office. I believe her boss, who was at the bonfire too and has been friends with DH since they were 8 years old, is going to have a talk to her about what happened. I believe he should. Even though the function was outside of work, her behavior towards coworkers were out of line. Not to mention DH is a manager. Not her manager, but a manager nonetheless.

I also wished that the hosts had stepped in, but it seemed everyone was trying to ignore her to either keep the peace or not wanting to egg her on. We had planned on leaving as soon as DH finished his game. She was actually on her way out when she slapped him though.

I spoke to DH about needing to confront her in some way, or at least be less passive. Even though his passive response has meaning to him, to her it only reinforces that she can get away with whatever she wants without consequence because he, and his coworkers, aren't going to do anything about it. At the same time, she only chooses men who will respond passively to her for that reason. I doubt she would have acted that way towards someone who was known for not having restraint towards men and women equally.

[Twik]

She slapped your husband. That's not acceptable, even if you can bean-dip all the rest.

I think the next time anyone in the group has a get-together, I'd ask if she's coming. If she is, I'd give my regrets. Perhaps everyone's thinking, "But everyone else likes V, I don't want to break up the group."

While it's not normally nice to make hosts decide "her or me," I think it's entirely justified once the other person becomes physically assaultive.

[QueenofAllThings]

My first thought is that everything she did was aimed at your husband, not you. I appreciate that that infuriates you (it would me too) but he is an adult and her colleague, and he needs to handle it. It will do him no good if word gets round that he needs his wife to fight his battles for him (even if V is the one saying it).

That being said, you can and should stand by him. Save the texts. Give him so e-hell approved phrases to use when she makes negative remarks at work - about him or about you. And document, document, document.

[hollasa]

Takeheart, what did you actually do after she slapped your husband?

If you encounter her again, just keep on repeating: "Don't fight with a pig. You'll both get dirty and the pig likes it."

[takeheart]

Takeheart, what did you actually do after she slapped your husband?

If you encounter her again, just keep on repeating: "Don't fight with a pig. You'll both get dirty and the pig likes it."

I threw my drink in her face and called her a female dog who had no right to slap other people's husbands. To which she replied, "Someone has to be!" and then some before her ride escorted her away. Like I said, it was not my best moment. In retrospect, I wish I had kept my composure better. My sister joked that my maternity instincts kicked in. I know my response was out of line, but I'm wondering what others would have done for future reference?

[QueenofAllThings]

Someone has to be? Someone has to be what? A female dog? Why, one earth?

Unfortunately, by throwing a drink in her face, you sunk to her level. Never a good idea.

I hope it works out.

[BeagleMommy]

Takeheart, I agree with PP who said to keep her texts and document as much as possible.  Something tells me she will not go quietly when she's finally asked to leave her employment.

If someone had slapped my DH I think I would have had the same reaction as you.  Followed by a call to the police.

[Bibliophile]

Forward the text to his/her boss.  That is uncalled for and highly inappropriate.

[takeheart]

DH talked to her today at work. He said, "I talked to her and all is well." I asked what was said. He replied, "She simply said sorry as a whole and that she definitely shouldn't have sent that text. After she apologized, I told her you overreacted also, but both of you were in the wrong for the extent of your actions. She agreed." I wonder if she feels remorse only for the text message? Also, if I had not done what I did, would she feel remorse at all? I suppose I'll give her the benefit of the doubt to improve if I see her next time. I'll try to avoid attending events where she is present, but there are some we can't.

I still agree that in a situation where guests are feuding, the host should step in and attempt to resolve the situation because there was only so much bean dipping I could take!

Forward the text to his/her boss.  That is uncalled for and highly inappropriate.

Sadly, her boss' boss was present. He witnessed her behavior and he spoke to DH afterward. He is aware of everything. From what I heard, he is suppose to talk to her this week. I hope he does. If he doesn't speak to her about it, I will be very disappointed in the company.

[MrTango]

I think if I were in OP's situation, I would have cut off her access to the wine once her behavior became obnoxious.  So what if "that's just what she does?"  That sort of behavior is unacceptable in any situation and I would never tolerate it in my home.

After the spilling on the table and her subsequent insults, I would have told (not asked) her to leave my home and followed up by having her removed by the authorities if she refused to leave.

[takeheart]

I think if I were in OP's situation, I would have cut off her access to the wine once her behavior became obnoxious.  So what if "that's just what she does?"  That sort of behavior is unacceptable in any situation and I would never tolerate it in my home.

After the spilling on the table and her subsequent insults, I would have told (not asked) her to leave my home and followed up by having her removed by the authorities if she refused to leave.

It wasn't our home. We were both guests at a mutual friend's home for a bonfire. The host went to high school with V and the the hostess works with V and DH at the same company. Yes, if it was my home, she would have been told that she has had enough wine and I would have asked her escort to take her home.