Author Topic: "Your boyfriend is a felon? Why are you with him?"  (Read 14785 times)

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shhh its me

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Re: "Your boyfriend is a felon? Why are you with him?"
« Reply #30 on: October 25, 2011, 02:50:44 PM »
I understand that 6 years recently in prison is harder to converse around then probation.

Yeah, that's what brings it up. When people meet him, they almost immediately ask about college education, etc. I told him I thought that working around such questions would be for the best, but he really doesn't like the idea of hiding who he is. I try to do it as much as possible (working around the questions), but whenever he meets someone, he's upfront about it when the conversation leads to it. It's not like he says, "Oh hi, I'm _____ and I'm a convicted felon."

Admittedly I over simplified that exchange but this is a choice. My point is very simpler almost every person has something they don't disclose upon first metting someone. It's none of their business,once you/he make it their business ...well you see what's happening.  Forget about prison for a second , how long after meeting someone do you wait to talk about the worst thing you have ever done?   I feel I didn't clarify , what I meant by conformational .....by saying soon after metting someone " I was in prison" it is almost a challenge " WELL are you going to judge me huh? are you ?" . I don't know that is completely reasonable to not finish the conversation....I regret it , I learned from it , this is how I have changed and most importantly here is the proof I have changed. I also don't know that it's reasonable to not to expect to have to prove it with more then words.   Etiquette does allows for "shunning" a person biased on their proven actions. " I chose to be a car thief"(I'm stating the conclusion here not his actual phrasing) is something you have to work to overcome. It's not just about prison from big to small things....." I cheated on my spouse, I used do drugs, I used extremely promiscuous, I used to lie all the time, I used to be chronically late ,  I double dip my chips ;). All o these are pubic declaration " this is who I was" everyone will the this is who part not everyone will believe the was , strictly based on your word and the first time "I used to be chronically late is " is 3 minutes late people will be more concerned then " I am very consensus about time".  Once you(general you) say who you are people are allowed to react to your own declarations ....Maybe someone else can say it better.  I don't think harassing you about it is appropriate according to etiquette, but I think it is predictable.

OP I think the only that will stop comments and suspicion is time , that or cutting everyone off.  Most adults I know would find it unreasonable to hold against a 40  years old a conviction (for a nonviolent offence) when they were 18, this is assuming nothing has happened since then. A year , even two after a six year prison stint many many people will still be very leery.  Your family and friends also have a valid point everything will be harder for him possible forever.  Landlords don't have to rent to him , he can't vote , he can not be employed in certain fields (not employees refusing to hire him but not legally allowed to work in fields) and of course there are all the people who will chose not to hires based on this conviction. Back ground checks are much easier to run now then they were 5, 10 or 20 year as ago. Some people will come around in time some people never will.

May I ask how long has it been?

Gabrielle

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Re: "Your boyfriend is a felon? Why are you with him?"
« Reply #31 on: October 25, 2011, 05:36:21 PM »
I understand that 6 years recently in prison is harder to converse around then probation.

Yeah, that's what brings it up. When people meet him, they almost immediately ask about college education, etc. I told him I thought that working around such questions would be for the best, but he really doesn't like the idea of hiding who he is. I try to do it as much as possible (working around the questions), but whenever he meets someone, he's upfront about it when the conversation leads to it. It's not like he says, "Oh hi, I'm _____ and I'm a convicted felon."

Admittedly I over simplified that exchange but this is a choice. My point is very simpler almost every person has something they don't disclose upon first metting someone. It's none of their business,once you/he make it their business ...well you see what's happening.  Forget about prison for a second , how long after meeting someone do you wait to talk about the worst thing you have ever done?   I feel I didn't clarify , what I meant by conformational .....by saying soon after metting someone " I was in prison" it is almost a challenge " WELL are you going to judge me huh? are you ?" . I don't know that is completely reasonable to not finish the conversation....I regret it , I learned from it , this is how I have changed and most importantly here is the proof I have changed. I also don't know that it's reasonable to not to expect to have to prove it with more then words.   Etiquette does allows for "shunning" a person biased on their proven actions. " I chose to be a car thief"(I'm stating the conclusion here not his actual phrasing) is something you have to work to overcome. It's not just about prison from big to small things....." I cheated on my spouse, I used do drugs, I used extremely promiscuous, I used to lie all the time, I used to be chronically late ,  I double dip my chips ;). All o these are pubic declaration " this is who I was" everyone will the this is who part not everyone will believe the was , strictly based on your word and the first time "I used to be chronically late is " is 3 minutes late people will be more concerned then " I am very consensus about time".  Once you(general you) say who you are people are allowed to react to your own declarations ....Maybe someone else can say it better.  I don't think harassing you about it is appropriate according to etiquette, but I think it is predictable.

OP I think the only that will stop comments and suspicion is time , that or cutting everyone off.  Most adults I know would find it unreasonable to hold against a 40  years old a conviction (for a nonviolent offence) when they were 18, this is assuming nothing has happened since then. A year , even two after a six year prison stint many many people will still be very leery.  Your family and friends also have a valid point everything will be harder for him possible forever.  Landlords don't have to rent to him , he can't vote , he can not be employed in certain fields (not employees refusing to hire him but not legally allowed to work in fields) and of course there are all the people who will chose not to hires based on this conviction. Back ground checks are much easier to run now then they were 5, 10 or 20 year as ago. Some people will come around in time some people never will.

May I ask how long has it been?

I believe the OP mentioned it has been 2 years now, which would make the BF 26. If I have read this wrong then my apologies.
However if a friend or relative of mine started dating someone who had spent almost a quarter of their life in jail, then you can bet I would be extremely concerned.
I think everyone understands that a felon can change. I think though that most people find it hard to believe that a convicted felon would do a complete 180 shift within 2 years of jail. It must be so frustrating to endure but I don't know if you can expect people to not be (at first) extremely concerned.

If all else fails OP, in 10 years you can be the one saying "I told you so" to those who thought it wouldn't work out.

lollylegs

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Re: "Your boyfriend is a felon? Why are you with him?"
« Reply #32 on: October 26, 2011, 03:52:28 AM »
I'm not going to touch the idea of whether  you should or should not be dating this guy - I think PP brought up some legitimate thinking points for you.

But onto your issue, I think with family and close friends you should sit down a talk about it.  Don't just give a one-off answer or bean dip.  Avoiding the conversation with the people who are close to you will make you appear naive and uninformed and as though you aren't taking his past seriously.  They have legitimate concerns - grand theft auto is a big deal, and his past will haunt him forever.

(Bolding mine) Have you done this OP? I can understand why your loved ones might be concerned if you've sort of dropped the information on them without providing any extra information. My own brother is a reformed criminal so I know how people can change, but if one of my friends was like, "New Boyfriend spent six years in jail and here, have some bean dip," I would be worried; but if that friend said, "I just thought I'd let you know that New Boyfriend spent six years in jail. He was completely honest about it and showed me his record," I wouldn't be so worried.

Whevever possible, I would highly recommend sitting people down individually and having a one on one discussion, allow them to ask questions and address their concerns. If they still make snide remarks, well, PPs have provided some good responses.

TurtleDove

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Re: "Your boyfriend is a felon? Why are you with him?"
« Reply #33 on: October 26, 2011, 10:40:16 AM »
OP, I think you have gotten some good advice on this thread.  I fully believe that you are happy in your relationship now, but I do think your friends and family have some valid concerns if this is more than a fling, which is sounds like it is.  Your BF will be restricted in what he is able to do FOR LIFE, and this may restrict what YOU are able to do FOR LIFE if you marry or have children with him. 

I agree, though, that if you are not willing to hear what your friends and family's concerns are, you should keep the information about him being a felon to yourself. 

rashea

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Re: "Your boyfriend is a felon? Why are you with him?"
« Reply #34 on: October 26, 2011, 11:01:45 AM »
OP, it sounds like you're good in your relationship for now, but may need to do some further thinking about what it could mean if this becomes serious down the road. That's fine for a college relationship, but, it's much harder to break things off after a few years if you realize that his background is too big a hurdle to get over than it would be now. I suspect that's where your family is coming from.

It seems clear to me that you've done some hard thinking about this, but have you communicated that to your family? Maybe ask them to list out their concerns and try to respond to them the way you did to my questions. It might help them see that you're not just being a "head in the sky college girl falling for the bad boy".

I'll add one more thought for you to ponder (you certainly don't have to respond). If you're considering a career in the public eye (and marketing types sometimes do) what will his record mean? If you wanted to go into politics at all, his past would be a pretty big hurdle. If there's a career path you're considering that includes needing security clearance, then you should know that you'll be limited by your connection to him. It may not be fair, but that's the current reality.
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

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