News: All new forum theme!  See Forum Announcements for more information. 

  • April 27, 2015, 03:34:00 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: I felt excluded but may be over sensitive  (Read 4911 times)

0 Members and 3 Guests are viewing this topic.

LadyJaneinMD

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2664
Re: I felt excluded but may be over sensitive
« Reply #45 on: April 07, 2015, 01:08:46 PM »
Honestly, I think you need to be DONE with this family.  They're not nice to you, and you don't want your children see their mother being treated badly.   If your DH wants to see his family, fine, he can go alone, but maybe it's time for your little family to start making family traditions of your own. 
When the tradition becomes a burden, it's time to change the tradition. 

HannahGrace

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 634
Re: I felt excluded but may be over sensitive
« Reply #46 on: April 07, 2015, 01:11:54 PM »
Honestly, I think you need to be DONE with this family.  They're not nice to you, and you don't want your children see their mother being treated badly.   If your DH wants to see his family, fine, he can go alone, but maybe it's time for your little family to start making family traditions of your own. 
When the tradition becomes a burden, it's time to change the tradition.

I agree with this.  I also fault your husband for ignoring you to play games and socialize with other people while you are taking care of your young baby.

Deetee

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5878
Re: I felt excluded but may be over sensitive
« Reply #47 on: April 07, 2015, 01:22:15 PM »
I agree with others that there some hostility/play nice from DH's family. But I also see a lot of doormatty behaviour from yourself and DH. You KNOW what this family like. If the babysitter episode didn't bring it home I don't know what will!

You KNOW that they are passive aggressive and slightly hostile and non-supervising of their own kids. You KNOW that they will not think of you or put your needs or desires first ever. So if you you continue to socialise (and I wouldn't blame you for not doing so ever again) you need to go in with a game plan, a firm spine and DH 100% on your side so that there are two people looking out for your interests. Right now, no-one seems to care about your happiness at these parties and definately no-one is taking action on your bahalf. Including you!

m2kbug

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2002
Re: I felt excluded but may be over sensitive
« Reply #48 on: April 07, 2015, 01:26:45 PM »
Yep, I agree, asking, "What are you going to do about it" is a slippery slope.  Any questions (as a method to guide them) could be a slippery slope.  This invites the opportunity to offer advice/opinion, and in this situation, opinions and advice should be avoided.  The second you offer advice and/or opinion is the second you become the heartless <blank>, and it may not be that way now, but this is the sort of thing that rolls around and bites you in the butt later.  It also opens the door to *having* to volunteer to take the burden off their choices.  Do not open that door.  Not with these people.  Just "mirror" or "echo" and empathize.  Don't "stray from the script."

Your job at this point is to let them express their frustrations should they express them to you.  Once they have a chance to vent, they may clear up their own mind-fog and see their own choices and own solutions.  Of course, you don't want to be the brunt of unreasonable ranting forever.  At some point, you may have to say, "You've been complaining about this for months/years.  I think you need to fix it.  I don't want to hear it anymore."  (or something to that effect) 

**Pee or get off the potty/get off the cross, someone needs the wood/you made your bed, you lie in it -- are proverbs that come to mind.

I'm not sure the situation at Easter was an intentional, personal slight, but I can certainly see that the OP is suffering the consequences of her (perfectly reasonable) choices.  There is always backlash.  Things get worse before they get better.  Just don't feed the trolls.

It would be perfectly easy to just wash your hands of the whole thing.  It's so easy to say, "I will have nothing to do with these people ever again," except for the fact that this isn't an easy, black-and-white situation and it isn't just YOU.  There is a spouse involved here and other extending, blending relation-ships, some of which you would like to maintain.  I'd like to see how well it goes over when the wife (husband) says, "I will not have anything to do with your family ever again."  It's not that easy.  How about we figure some polite ways of managing these difficult situations, especially at the family dinner party when the OP was seated next to "the enemy" and her husband was "planted on the opposite side of the country."  Divide and conquer?  LBM is sort of the forgotten and unwanted extension?  Put her in charge of baby care so we can talk with the important one?  Or was it just a lot of poor planning and there were no ill-intentions at all; it just turned out to not work well and no one spoke up?

Roodabega

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 175
Re: I felt excluded but may be over sensitive
« Reply #49 on: April 23, 2015, 12:01:30 PM »
Assuming you decide to keep doing family things with your husband's family, I think the two of you should come up with a plan for your DDs.  You need to decide how you'll make sure that the DDs aren't stuck for the rest of their childhood with being the designated babysitters for the younger kids.   "Paid help" might work for when your youngest is small, but you also need to have plans for when everyone is older, or when you don't need help with the youngest.

I definitely wouldn't want my kids to have to assume that role for all family functions.  Once you decide what you're comfortable with you should discuss it with the DDs to work on how they should respond to direct requests.   In the case of non-request default like they experienced (no one watching), make sure that they know it's not their job.   Possibly if they see dangerous behaviour to notify an adult to let them deal with it but that would be about it.

LifeOnPluto

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7015
    • Blog
Re: I felt excluded but may be over sensitive
« Reply #50 on: April 25, 2015, 02:40:04 AM »
Chiming in late here, but here are my thoughts:

1) The Easter Egg Hunt. Was your son still allowed to participate, despite you not having contributed anything? If so, I'd let it go (and try not to care about it, as galling as it is). If your son was NOT allowed to participate with the other kids, I would have left.

2) The Place Cards. I would have given SIL3 the benefit of the doubt and assumed she either wasn't aware of the bad blood between you and SIL1 and BIL1 or (being so young) she didn't think it was a huge deal (or maybe she's the sort of person who wants everyone to be friends, and thought this was a great way of helping you reconcile?).

That said, I would not have been particularly friendly towards SIL1 and BIL1. I would have been very cool and very civil, and not gone out of my way to show an interest in their lives, or engage them in conversation.

3) Not Getting To Eat - sorry OP, but I do think this was on you. You should definitely have spoken up. I personally don't think it's rude to tell the hosts that you need to eat / finish eating, even if they are clearing up around you. And I can't believe that no one noticed you hadn't eaten anything. Did they simply assume you weren't hungry or something?

4) Watching The Kids - again, I think this is partly on you. It would have been gracious for your in-laws to babyproof their house, but not rude in itself.

5) Being Excluded From Charades - OP, what would have happened if you'd jumped right in and started playing along? Would your MIL and SILs have told you to butt out, and that it was "too late" for you to join in? I would have just joined right in, and if they'd told me I couldn't play, I would have gone to DH and explained that because I was effectively excluded from all the games being played by everyone, it was time to leave.

Finally, the babysitter! Absolutely no surprises there! I have very little sympathy for her, or for MIL who's caved in (again!) to babysit. (It annoys me though, that SIL1 and BIL1 are such Karma Houdinis).