Your holiday hill to die on.

[KenveeB]

My parents used to do this once my brother and I got to be a certain age.  When I was really little (infant and toddler) we spent Christmas day with my mother's family but once my brother was born we started spending Christmas Day at home and then the next day we'd drive down to my grandparent's house (3 1/2 hours away) and Gigi and Grandaddy would have waited to have "Christmas" till we arrived. 

We do the same thing, have Christmas at home in the morning and since thankfully my IL's are only an hour and a half away instead of 3 hours, we hang out at home for a bit and then drive down to their place for dinner and come back the same night.

We always did the same in my family.  Christmas morning is for the nuclear family, period.  We did our gatherings with the extended family on Christmas Eve or Christmas afternoon, or even another day close by. (We've even had a Christmas sleepover on New Year's Eve.) 

[bluhairfreak]

Another possibility for the Christmas tree.  Do you have any clear empty wall space?  Create a tree out of construction paper and decorate with stickers.  You may even find a way to attach lights.  Not a perfect solution but sounds like a way to decorate without sacrificing floor or counter space.

[MacadamiaNut]

Another possibility for the Christmas tree.  Do you have any clear empty wall space?  Create a tree out of construction paper and decorate with stickers.  You may even find a way to attach lights.  Not a perfect solution but sounds like a way to decorate without sacrificing floor or counter space.

I'm not the poster who had this problem but I'm really liking this!  Even though I have the space for my small tree, I might consider doing this!  Maybe a tree of styrofoam will accommodate lights AND the stickers.  Oh and dare I say even pinning regular decorations into the styrofoam.  You have me thinking of the possibilities! Thank you!!   

[JoW]

I've also seen a 1/2 tree.  Its artificial, about 5 feet tall, green, and looks like a tree was cut vertically down the trunk.  It hangs on the wall sticking out less than a foot.  I don't remember where I saw it. 

I'm another one who refuses to see Mom over the holidays or any other time.  We live 1000 miles apart and I have cats so I always have an excuse for not going out to see her.   

[magdalena]

I finally had a hill this year.

Up to now things have been really easy for us. My parents live in my home country, my ILs in the country we live in now, but still about 3 hours away from us. For the 13 years we've been a couple, we've always alternated Christmases. It started when we were still on a long distance relationship and could only see each other during Christmas and the Summer Break. No protests were ever made and we set a precedent. Perfect.

However, during the past 12 months, we've bought and renovated a house and become proud parents of the Froglet. We asked our parents almost a year ago if they could imagine coming to our place for Christmas, so we could all celebrate together. Both sets agreed.

A couple of months ago, my ILs revealed to us that they would not be coming over Christmas "but we'll be there the week before, so we can do Christmas early".
Well, no, sorry. That will not be possible. I'm not doing 2 Christmasses. They are welcome to come and stay the weekend, but there will be no tree, no Christmas dinner and we are not opening gifts. It may sound hard and cold but we're working hard to establishing boudaries and on getting them to come to us from time to time now that travelling isn't exactly easy on us anymore and they are still very well able to travel... so far, his mom has visited us maybe 4 times in the 5 years we've been married and we visit them at least 5-6 times a year...

As it turns out, my parents will arrive the weekend my ILs are here, and the Froglet's christening will be that Sunday, so there's going to be celebrating after all. Just not Christmas. If they want Christmas with us, they need to stick to the shared plans...

[christmascarol]

I'm another one who refuses to see Mom over the holidays or any other time.  We live 1000 miles apart and I have cats so I always have an excuse for not going out to see her.

Sometimes cats are the better people 

[poundcake]

Ohhhhh my mom just had a hill to die on moment....

In the past Thanksgiving had been at grandma's. Grandma lives across the street from a church where we set up the food in the fellowship hall so we can all sit together.

Mom was talking with toxic aunt about thanksgiving this year. Toxic aunt is going to make the turkey. Mom says she will bring over the mashed potatoes and that her friend, NiceLady, will bring some veggie dishes. Toxic aunt says "Well NiceLady is NOT family so she is not invited to our FAMILY thanksgiving!"  Note, NiceLady is like a 2nd mom to me, helps the family during rough times, and generally keeps my mom sane as her Best Friend.   

Mom asked me if she could make thanksgiving dinner at my house and bring NiceLady along too. WIN!

Geez, sounds like the one year I was hosting Christmas Day at my house.  My sister's best friend, Kari, lives in our state and all of her family lives in the mid-west.  She was due to fly out Christmas Eve but her state got socked with snow.  The next day, she was still going no where so sister asked if she could come along.  Of course!  Lovely girl but mom had a fit.  She is not "family" and I replied "Because she is not blood related she should be home alone on Christmas Day?"  She came and we all had a good time.

This is a toughie because it's rude to just invite your own guests to someone else's house, especially on the holidays. I suppose you can ask, but that puts the host in a tough spot. I keep thinking of the Ehell Classic about the guest who wanted to bring a poor lady friend and her little daughter who didn't have anyone to spend Christmas with. And the host ended up having to wrangle a very drunk stranger and even find Christmas gifts for the daughter.

[WhiteTigerCub]

Ohhhhh my mom just had a hill to die on moment....

In the past Thanksgiving had been at grandma's. Grandma lives across the street from a church where we set up the food in the fellowship hall so we can all sit together.

Mom was talking with toxic aunt about thanksgiving this year. Toxic aunt is going to make the turkey. Mom says she will bring over the mashed potatoes and that her friend, NiceLady, will bring some veggie dishes. Toxic aunt says "Well NiceLady is NOT family so she is not invited to our FAMILY thanksgiving!"  Note, NiceLady is like a 2nd mom to me, helps the family during rough times, and generally keeps my mom sane as her Best Friend.   

Mom asked me if she could make thanksgiving dinner at my house and bring NiceLady along too. WIN!

Geez, sounds like the one year I was hosting Christmas Day at my house.  My sister's best friend, Kari, lives in our state and all of her family lives in the mid-west.  She was due to fly out Christmas Eve but her state got socked with snow.  The next day, she was still going no where so sister asked if she could come along.  Of course!  Lovely girl but mom had a fit.  She is not "family" and I replied "Because she is not blood related she should be home alone on Christmas Day?"  She came and we all had a good time.

This is a toughie because it's rude to just invite your own guests to someone else's house, especially on the holidays. I suppose you can ask, but that puts the host in a tough spot. I keep thinking of the Ehell Classic about the guest who wanted to bring a poor lady friend and her little daughter who didn't have anyone to spend Christmas with. And the host ended up having to wrangle a very drunk stranger and even find Christmas gifts for the daughter.

I think it's important to note that in both cases quoted above, the host of the dinner was asked if the person could be invited before an invitation was given to the additional guest. This was also my mom doing the asking and as such it does not put me in any kind of 'spot'. I had the option of saying "No" without an issue.

In my case above, since food is being served and eaten at the fellowship hall, of which NiceLady is also a member of the church there was no reason she could not be included except toxic aunt's affirmation that it be a 'family' dinner. Frankly, if other non family showed up at the fellowship hall during the time we were eating there, we would have shared with them too no question about it. That's what happens when you plan the meal at the fellowship hall where all church members are perfectly welcome.  This was toxic aunt just being her normal self in exerting control over the guest list.

[poundcake]

Found it!

http://www.etiquettehell.com/content/eh_everyday/holidayhell/holiday_hell2004-1arc.shtml

WhiteTigerCub, I'm afraid to ask, but, if a church friend sat down at the same table as your family at the fellowship hall, would toxic aunt force them to move since they aren't "family"?  How on earth is she going to police "family" dinner at a fellowship hall?!

[kudeebee]

I finally had a hill this year.

Up to now things have been really easy for us. My parents live in my home country, my ILs in the country we live in now, but still about 3 hours away from us. For the 13 years we've been a couple, we've always alternated Christmases. It started when we were still on a long distance relationship and could only see each other during Christmas and the Summer Break. No protests were ever made and we set a precedent. Perfect.

However, during the past 12 months, we've bought and renovated a house and become proud parents of the Froglet. We asked our parents almost a year ago if they could imagine coming to our place for Christmas, so we could all celebrate together. Both sets agreed.

A couple of months ago, my ILs revealed to us that they would not be coming over Christmas "but we'll be there the week before, so we can do Christmas early".
Well, no, sorry. That will not be possible. I'm not doing 2 Christmasses. They are welcome to come and stay the weekend, but there will be no tree, no Christmas dinner and we are not opening gifts. It may sound hard and cold but we're working hard to establishing boudaries and on getting them to come to us from time to time now that travelling isn't exactly easy on us anymore and they are still very well able to travel... so far, his mom has visited us maybe 4 times in the 5 years we've been married and we visit them at least 5-6 times a year...

As it turns out, my parents will arrive the weekend my ILs are here, and the Froglet's christening will be that Sunday, so there's going to be celebrating after all. Just not Christmas. If they want Christmas with us, they need to stick to the shared plans...

I can understand that you might not have your tree up or want to make a big meal, but don't get why you can't open the presents.  Many people have Christmas early with one side of the family. 

[WhiteTigerCub]

WhiteTigerCub, I'm afraid to ask, but, if a church friend sat down at the same table as your family at the fellowship hall, would toxic aunt force them to move since they aren't "family"?  How on earth is she going to police "family" dinner at a fellowship hall?!

Unfortunately the answer is just what you would expect from someone toxic. She would unceremoniously speak up in front of all and sundry and proclaim they could not partake of our family's food. The remainder of the family would pretty much pass it off as if she was joking, that there is plenty of food for all and would fetch more plates and get more chairs for people to sit at.

Last year we had a similar plan, but toxic aunt decided at the last minute we would not be taking the food over to the fellowship hall because some other family had asked if they could use it as well. Kicker is that they were not going to eat until 2 hours after we would have been done. Double kicker, the family never even showed up to use the hall. Triple kicker, she purposely set the table at grandma's house one short because other aunt had invited her son's friend, but because he was not family he could not sit at the 'family' table, or even in the same room as the 'family' as there just wasn't room for one more  . She complained bitterly about having to sit at a card table set in the middle of the small kitchen with the 'kids' because  there was not enough room at the family table for just her.  In order to compensate, myself and several other family members took our food into the living room to eat with him. We treated it like it was something we did all the time. Incidentally the 'family' table that could seat 8, had 2 people at it after we left so she didn't have to sit at the card table for long. 

I could write a whole book about her toxic antics unfortunately. 

[TeamBhakta]

My hill to die on is that I insist we skip the "what I'm thankful for" portion of Thanksgiving. I had to do that at relatives' houses as a kid, but I have put my foot down as an adult and said "No, Mom, we are not going to take up that tradition now. I don't care how lovely it was to you at so-and-so's house last year, it's not happening." Two reasons: Half the things I'm truly grateful for, I would prefer not to share publicly, let alone with a table full of relatives. Those things are my own private joy, not something for everyone else to hem and haw over. And besides that, what else can you share that isn't trite, fake, cheesey or embarassing after everyone has already gone through "I'm grateful for all of you  ....for freedom...for our hostess...for second helpings of pie, har har!" Blech.

[VorFemme]

I've seen people hang a small (3 foot or about one meter) tree from the ceiling over a table so that the presents could be place under the tree - but on the table............made an interesting display, I'm sure.  Or even wire the tree to hang from the ceiling in the normal fashion - but apparently floating in the air...........

Felt cut out or quilted fabric tree shape on the wall.  Glue, embroider, or use friction to hold various ornaments on it (a flannel tree would hold lightweight ornaments also cut from flannel or paper - such as the old flannel story boards used to - or more modern flannel quilt design walls do).  Paper ornaments with a small Velcro (tm), sandpaper, or flannel piece glued on the back would work & be easy to rearrange (just to boggle the minds of visitors who think that the "tree" is permanently decorated ONE way). 

Make several sets and redecorate every couple of days..........just for fun!

[Figgie]

Our cats refused to leave the Christmas ornaments our children made when they were little alone on our regular Christmas tree.  So my spouse puts up what we call a garland tree on the wall.  At the top of the wall in the middle, he puts in a push pin and then two other push pins down lower and out to each side (shape of a triangle).  Then he takes a garland (we use silver now, but have used gold and green in the past) and outlines a tree, draping the garland back and forth from side to side to make places to hang the ornaments. 

And that is where all of the precious ornaments our kids made many, many years ago are hung.    The bottom of the tree is too high for the cats to reach and they now ignore those ornaments.  We hang the ornaments with regular tree ornament holders or pulled open paper clips.  The beauty of it is that the tree can be as large or as small as you want.  All it takes is wall space and the spot we use has a mirror behind it.

[magdalena]

I can understand that you might not have your tree up or want to make a big meal, but don't get why you can't open the presents.  Many people have Christmas early with one side of the family.

We have Christmas early or late with them every other year. For this once, we invited them to come to our house so we could all celebrate baby's first christmas together. They said they'd love to. I know the baby won't understand it's christmas (she'll be under 3 months at the time) but it's important to me... having them visit us at times is important to me, it makes me feel loved and accepted. We've told them that much.

After having promised to come and celebrate with us and my parents, they decided they couldn't, for reasons I won't get into but which really are no reasons at all (husband agrees). They have the annoying habit of accepting invitations and then cancelling at the last minute for really strange reasons. A lot. It hurts my husband and it hurts me. We've told them that. Gently.

So, when that happened again, about baby's first Christmas - and they went on to invite themselves to our house one week before Christmas... so I'll have to have the place clean earlier, will have to cook and bake for more people that week as well (all the while caring for a 2.5-month-old) my husband and I just decided that "sorry, no, there will be no christmassy stuff that weekend. If they want Christmas with us, they need to honor their commitments with us". We've gone along with the changed plans for years, I've done all I've could to make sure I have time to take care of them when they're here - I'm a freelancer and last-minute-changes really can screw up my plans - and we've come to the conclusion that we cannot change them, but we will stick to our plans at all times. Including Christmas.

Next year, we'll be travelling again, most likely to my family (abroad). We'll do Christmas early or late with the ILs then, at their place, at the time of their choosing. And once we've agreed on a weekend, we will not change plans on them in the last minute