Your holiday hill to die on.

[Chivewarrior]

The next day, she was still going no where so sister asked if she could come along.  Of course!  Lovely girl but mom had a fit.  She is not "family" and I replied "Because she is not blood related she should be home alone on Christmas Day?"  She came and we all had a good time.

Sometimes, for me, there are advantages to being adopted. Whoever is family, is family because I say they're family. Whenever someone says I have to go to an event, or invite someone, "because they're family", I decide whether they're family to me or not. Others may disagree, but I make my own decisions, and I'm perfectly prepared to live with any consequences. Haven't regretted any such decisions yet.

"Chosen family" is a big deal in my social circle, because many of us have actively toxic family and the ones that don't have a lot of friends that do and get it. So it's been made clear to me many times that I have somewhere to go on any holiday, if I decide I can't deal with my blood family anymore-- and one of my friends hosts every year an Orphan Thanksgiving, for all the "people who have no place to go or don't want to go there." I've gone twice and I'm planning to go again this year, and is it ever more enjoyable! Go see my friends, hang out around the crock pot of mulled cider, have potluck dinner with everyone bringing their own specialty...

My holiday hill to die on happened the year my mother came up with the needlessly complicated plan to get my grandfather from the nursing home, take him to his house (which has remained in our family's possession despite him not living there), have Thanksgiving in this house that at the time no one was living in full time (and since Grandpa didn't cook at all, and neither did Grandma when she was alive, in a kitchen that had been redone a number of years ago but never really used beyond the microwave) while transporting all the ingredients to make it from home to that house, and then take him back to the nursing home and come home. Did I mention that the reason Grandpa is in the nursing home is because he had a stroke and has Alzhiemer's and is going senile?

I was actually going along with it despite foreseeing utter disaster until my father yelled at me "Are you lazy or stupid? Hurry up!" for reading while waiting for other people to get done. (They had all left the house without telling me while I was in the bathroom and were waiting for me in the car.) At that point I flat-out refused to go; it was just the last straw.

The part that continues to confuse the heck out of me is that while my mother called me up screaming several times while I was at home recovering from the screaming match that followed my refusal to go, by the time she actually got home and the event had been an utter disaster (and my sister mutinied and said I had been right sometime during it), she insisted that she had never yelled at all, just been a little angry and was now over it. How do you forget repeatedly screaming at someone?

The whole incident was my hill and I just refuse to spend Thanksgiving dinner with my family anymore. My mother acquiesces to this as long as she or my father drives me to and from my friend's house because it's in a "dangerous area" and if I take public transportation I could get murdered. Or something.

[gramma dishes]

She wants to belittle, yell at and argue with me, then 10 minutes later forget that she was belittling, yelling and arguing with me.  And then start the cycle all over again.

And there's your solution.  "Why of COURSE I came to visit you, Mom!  Don't you remember?"

You are not a bad daughter.  You just didn't get lucky in the good mother lottery.

[Bluenomi]

My hill climb started last year and I'm still climbing it this year. My parents had a rule when my sisters and I were young that they wouldn't travel on Christmas day when the kids were small. They would stay at home so us little ones could open and play with our presents.

I decided this was a great rule and DH and I enforced it when DD was born last year. We had previously had a pattern of visiting one set of parents one year, the other set the next and then the third year at home (we live 5 hours from mine and 13 hours or a flight away from the ILs) The year before DD was born we changed the pattern so we could have christmas with the ILs since we knew we wouldn't make it over there the next year.

Last year we stayed home. MIL chucked a hissy fit because she couldn't spend Christmas with DD. We told her she was welcome to come over to visit us for Christmas but we were having it at home. That wasn't good enough, didn't we know she had to be at her house for Christmas and everyone should come to her. She ended up coming over a few days after Christmas instead by car since she didn't want to pay for the airfares though she was perfectly happy for us to fly over  My parents on the other hand we fine with us staying home since they completely understood our reasoning for it.

We haven't had the discussion with MIL about this year yet and I'm expecting another lot of pouting from her when she hears we are going to be at home again. She's still holding a grudge about the fact DH had Christmas with me and my family on year after we got engaged since it was his first Christmas away from home and he should know he has to come home every year. She grew up with her whole family in one village so hasn't really adjusted her thinking to the fact we live in different parts of a huge country!

[christmascarol]

My hill came when I was 26 and asked my Mum if I could come home for Christmas and she wouldn't have me.  It was the last time I asked.

I asked in October and her reaction was so toxic, I didn't dare mention the subject again.  I made myself a solitary meal and was just sitting down to it when she arrived with my stepfather to collect their presents, two hours later than we'd arranged as it suited her better.  You see they were on their way to my aunt's and she hadn't wanted to make two journeys.  My aunt cried when I told her as she would have invited me as well if she'd known but my Mum didn't tell her.  My mother just picked her presents up and left looking smug.

Happy ending: my friends were appalled and I was inundated with invites the next year.  We've been to DH's family every year since.  My mother was infuriated!

Happiest ending: I stood up to her 13 years ago and she hasn't spoken to me since.  The afore-mentioned aunt took over as surrogate mother and I couldn't have asked for a better one

And I still LOVE Christmas!!!

[momof2bratz]

I actually had my hill to die on moment in the past couple of weeks, and boy did it feel good! Every year we spend Christmas day running here there and everywhere trying to fit everyone in, then boxing day at SIL's and the 27th everyone comes to ours. This year, I will be 37 weeks pregnant on Christmas day. Thankfully, MIL and FIL are coming early this year (they live abroad) and so we're doing Christmas with them between the 8th and the 16th of December, so that they can then travel back again at the end of January to meet the new arrival.

I kept getting texts from SIL about boxing day, what are we doing, when will we be there, etc. which was driving me nuts! Eventually, I told SIL that while I would love to commit to boxing day, there are no guarantees that baby won't show early, plus my consultant has been talking about admitting me early because of some complications, so I may on bed rest in hospital, so I just cannot make a firm commitment. I then got the whine about needing to know numbers, how can she plan if she doesn't know whether or not we are coming? So I told her if you want a definite answer, it will have to be a no this year. Of course, suddenly the need to plan is no longer a problem, just let her know nearer the time if we can make it.

I think to save the peace and give me a break I'll send DH and the kiddos to SILs and I'll spend the day at Mums, as it's near my hospital, but this year I am not bending to their wishes in order to keep the peace, so SIL will have to just do without me.

[The Wild One, Forever]

My hill came when I was 26 and asked my Mum if I could come home for Christmas and she wouldn't have me.  It was the last time I asked.

I asked in October and her reaction was so toxic, I didn't dare mention the subject again.  I made myself a solitary meal and was just sitting down to it when she arrived with my stepfather to collect their presents, two hours later than we'd arranged as it suited her better.  You see they were on their way to my aunt's and she hadn't wanted to make two journeys.  My aunt cried when I told her as she would have invited me as well if she'd known but my Mum didn't tell her.  My mother just picked her presents up and left looking smug.

Happy ending: my friends were appalled and I was inundated with invites the next year.  We've been to DH's family every year since.  My mother was infuriated!

Happiest ending: I stood up to her 13 years ago and she hasn't spoken to me since.  The afore-mentioned aunt took over as surrogate mother and I couldn't have asked for a better one

And I still LOVE Christmas!!!

Whoa.  I'm glad that worked out for you, but...

I can't imagine ever being so cruel to my child, or not wanting to spend a major holiday with him.  He's just 15, but I'm already mentally preparing myself for the day he spends his holidays with his wife, or her family, or friends, or wherever he wants to be, if he can't or doesn't want to come home. 

Glad your aunt RAWKS!   

[violinp]

My hill came when I was 26 and asked my Mum if I could come home for Christmas and she wouldn't have me.  It was the last time I asked.

I asked in October and her reaction was so toxic, I didn't dare mention the subject again.  I made myself a solitary meal and was just sitting down to it when she arrived with my stepfather to collect their presents, two hours later than we'd arranged as it suited her better.  You see they were on their way to my aunt's and she hadn't wanted to make two journeys.  My aunt cried when I told her as she would have invited me as well if she'd known but my Mum didn't tell her.  My mother just picked her presents up and left looking smug.

Happy ending: my friends were appalled and I was inundated with invites the next year.  We've been to DH's family every year since.  My mother was infuriated!

Happiest ending: I stood up to her 13 years ago and she hasn't spoken to me since.  The afore-mentioned aunt took over as surrogate mother and I couldn't have asked for a better one

And I still LOVE Christmas!!!

Whoa.  I'm glad that worked out for you, but...

I can't imagine ever being so cruel to my child, or not wanting to spend a major holiday with him.  He's just 15, but I'm already mentally preparing myself for the day he spends his holidays with his wife, or her family, or friends, or wherever he wants to be, if he can't or doesn't want to come home. 

Glad your aunt RAWKS!   

POD! I'm glad you have an aunt who cares for you as your mom should be doing.

[christmascarol]

Thanks!!!    I lucked out with both my aunt and uncle, I really did.  And I have a fantastic hubby.  And I have a lovely lady who calls herself my Mama Felizitas.  I'm a much much happier person than my Mum will ever be.  And I LOVE Christmas 

[violinp]

Thanks!!!    I lucked out with both my aunt and uncle, I really did.  And I have a fantastic hubby.  And I have a lovely lady who calls herself my Mama Felizitas.  I'm a much much happier person than my Mum will ever be.  And I LOVE Christmas 

Really? Couldn't imagine that.   

[Bijou]

This was not a hill to die on, but my Mother was the one who handled Thanksgiving, it was always at the family home of my folks and people brought stuff, paid a share of the groceries, if they could, and shared in it that way.  The day following Thanksgiving, my mom would have a repeat of Thanksgiving with everyone over again for turkey soup and left overs.  (Exhausting, even to think about!)
When I became the one who seemed to be the head of Thanksgiving and was in control of having it at the family home, the first thing I did was distribute the leftovers as people left on Thanksgiving, and did no soup or anything else on The Friday following.  I don't know how mom did it, but I just didn't have that kind of energy.  Everyone is happy this way, too.

[camlan]

My hill came when I was 26 and asked my Mum if I could come home for Christmas and she wouldn't have me.  It was the last time I asked.

I asked in October and her reaction was so toxic, I didn't dare mention the subject again.  I made myself a solitary meal and was just sitting down to it when she arrived with my stepfather to collect their presents, two hours later than we'd arranged as it suited her better.  You see they were on their way to my aunt's and she hadn't wanted to make two journeys.  My aunt cried when I told her as she would have invited me as well if she'd known but my Mum didn't tell her.  My mother just picked her presents up and left looking smug.

Happy ending: my friends were appalled and I was inundated with invites the next year.  We've been to DH's family every year since.  My mother was infuriated!

Happiest ending: I stood up to her 13 years ago and she hasn't spoken to me since.  The afore-mentioned aunt took over as surrogate mother and I couldn't have asked for a better one

And I still LOVE Christmas!!!

Thank goodness this post has a happy ending, because that first sentence kind of broke me heart a little bit.

[Nora]

Mine too! I don't understand how someone could do that!

[Tai]

The turkey became my hill to die on one Thanksgiving.   

 The first year I was married to my exDH, we invited the whole family and SOs to Thanksgiving as our home was by far the largest and most centrally located.   I was looking forward to it as I didn't know my in-laws well.  We had dated and married on the opposite side of the country.   My BIL was bringing his long term girlfriend, whom I had never met.  I was informed well ahead of time that she was a vegetarian, and had planned a meatless entree in addition to the bird.   In addition, all of the sides were meatless.

The evening before Thanksgiving I received a call from the GF, informing me that because she was vegetarian I could not serve a turkey at all.  She went on to say that she was afraid the "family" had forgotten to tell me that meat was not allowed at any function she attended.    I was sort of startled by this, but did tell her that we were definitely having a turkey, but that I was also preparing a vegetarian option.  She said that it "wouldn't do" so she was going to call MIL... and she did.   MIL called me and I learned that the family had acquiesced to this demand for several years, despite that fact that they were all meat-eaters, and admitted to missing the turkey/goose/ham, etc. on holidays.    My MIL never asked me not to serve the turkey, but did say that this was very important to GF.   I was not willing to give up that turkey (thawed and ready to go), so I had my then-DH call his brother and tell him that the menu was not changing, and we would understand if they didn't come, but they were still very welcome.   BIL and GF didn't come to the meal and actually broke up a short time later.  ILs attended many more holiday meals at our home until we split, and always seemed to enjoy the food.     I've always wondered if I was the family's way of getting their bird back? 

We've had something similar happen in my family.  Im not a vegetarian, nor are any of my immediate family members.  After about 6 months of doing "meatless Mondays" and my discovery of a powdered veggie boullion, I'm now comfortable making vegetarian meals.  Vegan, on the other hand, I'm not set up to do nor am I comfortable doing.  Same with most of the "whatever" free, like gluten or casein or nut free, as I know that I personally can't guarantee that a particle of "allergen/item" is not in the food, and I know that is very important. 

If I invite people over for a holiday (may be doing that this year) or party, then I get to pick the menu.  If someone lets me know about an allergy or intolerance or other food issue, I will figure something out, but if someone tries to dictate the menu... nope.  Not in my house, thank you very much!

Tai,, I've been trying to read the archives and just ran across that epic last week, is she still with you brother? How do you handle now, if she is?

This would so be my hill to die ~ I love my turkey.

Gone gone gone!  Even if she weren't I'd be done with her, anyways.  My new attitude is "Don't be silly, dear, you don't have to eat the turkey!  We won't be offended if you don't try it?  What's that, the cat is stuck in the sink again?"  and a quick exit.  Then she'd have the "out" there of a misunderstanding.  Not that she'd take it, but I would then feel a lot better about saying "we're not changing our menu to suit your desires, if you want to have a Tday dinner without turkey, you're welcome to host".

[GreenEyedHawk]

As far as I'm concerned, having one vegetarian main and meatless sides is plenty to accommodate ONE vegetarian in a crowd of carnivores.  When my cousin was dating a vegetarian, they even went so far as to bring their own Tofurkey to the dinner, which I think was good of them.  I even tried it myself.  It's not bad, just  don't expect it to taste like turkey, because it doesn't.

[Piratelvr1121]

My hill climb started last year and I'm still climbing it this year. My parents had a rule when my sisters and I were young that they wouldn't travel on Christmas day when the kids were small. They would stay at home so us little ones could open and play with our presents.

I decided this was a great rule and DH and I enforced it when DD was born last year. We had previously had a pattern of visiting one set of parents one year, the other set the next and then the third year at home (we live 5 hours from mine and 13 hours or a flight away from the ILs) The year before DD was born we changed the pattern so we could have christmas with the ILs since we knew we wouldn't make it over there the next year.

Last year we stayed home. MIL chucked a hissy fit because she couldn't spend Christmas with DD. We told her she was welcome to come over to visit us for Christmas but we were having it at home. That wasn't good enough, didn't we know she had to be at her house for Christmas and everyone should come to her. She ended up coming over a few days after Christmas instead by car since she didn't want to pay for the airfares though she was perfectly happy for us to fly over  My parents on the other hand we fine with us staying home since they completely understood our reasoning for it.

We haven't had the discussion with MIL about this year yet and I'm expecting another lot of pouting from her when she hears we are going to be at home again. She's still holding a grudge about the fact DH had Christmas with me and my family on year after we got engaged since it was his first Christmas away from home and he should know he has to come home every year. She grew up with her whole family in one village so hasn't really adjusted her thinking to the fact we live in different parts of a huge country!

My parents used to do this once my brother and I got to be a certain age.  When I was really little (infant and toddler) we spent Christmas day with my mother's family but once my brother was born we started spending Christmas Day at home and then the next day we'd drive down to my grandparent's house (3 1/2 hours away) and Gigi and Grandaddy would have waited to have "Christmas" till we arrived. 

We do the same thing, have Christmas at home in the morning and since thankfully my IL's are only an hour and a half away instead of 3 hours, we hang out at home for a bit and then drive down to their place for dinner and come back the same night.