News: There is a new Ehell Kindness Project!  Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084

• October 01, 2016, 07:28:48 AM

### Author Topic: Your holiday hill to die on.  (Read 566865 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

#### nayberry

• Member
• Posts: 1015
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #570 on: December 11, 2012, 11:34:53 AM »
VorFemme - I would love to meet you + family - you all have such *interesting* dynamics!

* as in the Chinese saying "May you live in interesting times"

Seriously, its been great to see E-Hellions passing down the generations and crossing the sibling ties.

OT  i always wondered where that came from,  especially as Terry Pratchett borrowed it
baby berry arrived june 2016

#### MrTango

• Member
• Posts: 3158
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #571 on: December 11, 2012, 02:59:00 PM »
VorFemme - I would love to meet you + family - you all have such *interesting* dynamics!

* as in the Chinese saying "May you live in interesting times"

Seriously, its been great to see E-Hellions passing down the generations and crossing the sibling ties.

OT  i always wondered where that came from,  especially as Terry Pratchett borrowed it

I always figured that was a curse.

#### thedudeabides

• Member
• Posts: 585
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #572 on: December 11, 2012, 04:47:19 PM »
I admit I didn't handle that part well. But she's also the type that would sit there and tell the server (repeatedly) "oh its so sad that you have to work instead of spend the day with your family" and not understand that her being there is why they're having to work. I jumped the gun there and I realize that. Now just to find a way to set up plans a different way (SIL never ever hosts, so I don't get why she's even pushing for this)

I've met your SIL - three things to consider.

Her health is not that great right now.

Would she or her husband be doing the cooking?  Or possibly her mother-in-law, if his family is coming over for a combined holiday......

Look at the bright side - dinner out can be cut off at three hours or less, so you can "take the toddler home for his nap" or "let the dogs out of the garage for their bathroom break". Going to anyone else's house is likely to get you guilt tripped if it isn't four-to-six hours or longer......or would you rather have them over at your house?  Yeah - she's that clueless - but with a narcissistic mother, it's amazing that she has any empathy at all.  She does have some empathy towards the people who are working - even if her LOGIC (as to who is making them work) isn't strong.....neither Vulcans nor Betans on that side of the family......

ETA - if anyone remembers Ambrosia Hino's earlier posts, or mine, this is CrazyMIL's DD.  The family traditions have had to be adjusted as CrazyMIL is being given the cut direct after making death threats to both her SIL and her DIL.  Since she also made death threats to her ex-DH (their father) and tried to hire someone to do the job...the situation with her would seem to warrant the etiquette version of "weapons of mass destruction".

SIL is never in charge of the cooking. Any of the cooking. Get-togethers at her house generally mean either going out to eat or ordering/bringing takeout. Her house is also a cluttered mess, and not a good place to let Toddler play. Family get-togethers, so far, are almost always at FIL & SMIL (step-mother-in-law) house. I wouldn't mind hosting, I've offered before but SMIL always wants to do it (and never shows when we do host something, but that's a different story).

This year, the dynamic is weird because we usually do Thanksgiving with them and Christmas with my family, and things got swapped. I told my DH that either we can host or we can all go out Christmas Eve and stay home just the 3 of us for Christmas Day.

*The comments that I mentioned SIL is known for, even if she doesn't mean them this way, are usually said in a gloating/condescending/snotty tone. Going out to eat with her always ends up with us picking up the bill as well. I don't have room in the budget and I doubt FIL does either, for a restaurant meal for 9 (2 college kids and a toddler...the 20 yr old boy makes up for the toddler in amount of food eaten!)

Bean dip - if you don't have the time, money, patience, or inclination to go out to eat on Christmas Day with them you don't have the time, money, patience, etc...  Blame it on the toddler having been exposed to something at the day care and you don't want to expose her to it (health problems).  Then stay home in pajamas and have fun for a while......

For those who don't know the dynamic with this SIL, her "example" on how to behave properly was CrazyMIL or Nearly-as-Crazy-Stepmother - so her behaviour is odd at times...she can be sweet one minute then do something bizarre the next.  And she sees nothing wrong because she is still acting better than her two examples...which isn't a guarantee of "good behaviour" when those examples are so far off the mean, the norm, and even "sane" standards.  Eccentric would be not be a good description - because it would still imply that the person was closer to normal that they really are.  Does "beyond eccentric" make sense?  Because that is as close to a description as I can get without being too recognizable (small town in Georgia describes a LOT of places - but not as many once you start mentioning some of the other details - and both CrazyMIL and Nearly-as-crazy-Stepmother are still alive*).

*And a bit more than half a bubble off plumb, as well, from what I understand...

You guys seem to have way more background together on this than the rest of us do.  Maybe it'd be better in a PM?

#### thedudeabides

• Member
• Posts: 585
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #573 on: December 11, 2012, 04:47:54 PM »
No hills to die on yet, although I'm thinking about creating one if another relative of either of us asks when I'm going to pop the question.

#### FauxFoodist

• Member
• Posts: 4239
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #574 on: December 11, 2012, 06:07:14 PM »
I admit I didn't handle that part well. But she's also the type that would sit there and tell the server (repeatedly) "oh its so sad that you have to work instead of spend the day with your family" and not understand that her being there is why they're having to work. I jumped the gun there and I realize that. Now just to find a way to set up plans a different way (SIL never ever hosts, so I don't get why she's even pushing for this)

I've met your SIL - three things to consider.

Her health is not that great right now.

Would she or her husband be doing the cooking?  Or possibly her mother-in-law, if his family is coming over for a combined holiday......

Look at the bright side - dinner out can be cut off at three hours or less, so you can "take the toddler home for his nap" or "let the dogs out of the garage for their bathroom break". Going to anyone else's house is likely to get you guilt tripped if it isn't four-to-six hours or longer......or would you rather have them over at your house?  Yeah - she's that clueless - but with a narcissistic mother, it's amazing that she has any empathy at all.  She does have some empathy towards the people who are working - even if her LOGIC (as to who is making them work) isn't strong.....neither Vulcans nor Betans on that side of the family......

ETA - if anyone remembers Ambrosia Hino's earlier posts, or mine, this is CrazyMIL's DD.  The family traditions have had to be adjusted as CrazyMIL is being given the cut direct after making death threats to both her SIL and her DIL.  Since she also made death threats to her ex-DH (their father) and tried to hire someone to do the job...the situation with her would seem to warrant the etiquette version of "weapons of mass destruction".

SIL is never in charge of the cooking. Any of the cooking. Get-togethers at her house generally mean either going out to eat or ordering/bringing takeout. Her house is also a cluttered mess, and not a good place to let Toddler play. Family get-togethers, so far, are almost always at FIL & SMIL (step-mother-in-law) house. I wouldn't mind hosting, I've offered before but SMIL always wants to do it (and never shows when we do host something, but that's a different story).

This year, the dynamic is weird because we usually do Thanksgiving with them and Christmas with my family, and things got swapped. I told my DH that either we can host or we can all go out Christmas Eve and stay home just the 3 of us for Christmas Day.

*The comments that I mentioned SIL is known for, even if she doesn't mean them this way, are usually said in a gloating/condescending/snotty tone. Going out to eat with her always ends up with us picking up the bill as well. I don't have room in the budget and I doubt FIL does either, for a restaurant meal for 9 (2 college kids and a toddler...the 20 yr old boy makes up for the toddler in amount of food eaten!)

Bean dip - if you don't have the time, money, patience, or inclination to go out to eat on Christmas Day with them you don't have the time, money, patience, etc...  Blame it on the toddler having been exposed to something at the day care and you don't want to expose her to it (health problems).  Then stay home in pajamas and have fun for a while......

For those who don't know the dynamic with this SIL, her "example" on how to behave properly was CrazyMIL or Nearly-as-Crazy-Stepmother - so her behaviour is odd at times...she can be sweet one minute then do something bizarre the next.  And she sees nothing wrong because she is still acting better than her two examples...which isn't a guarantee of "good behaviour" when those examples are so far off the mean, the norm, and even "sane" standards.  Eccentric would be not be a good description - because it would still imply that the person was closer to normal that they really are.  Does "beyond eccentric" make sense?  Because that is as close to a description as I can get without being too recognizable (small town in Georgia describes a LOT of places - but not as many once you start mentioning some of the other details - and both CrazyMIL and Nearly-as-crazy-Stepmother are still alive*).

*And a bit more than half a bubble off plumb, as well, from what I understand...

You guys seem to have way more background together on this than the rest of us do.  Maybe it'd be better in a PM?

I don't see anything wrong with both of them sharing the background.  They are mother and daughter so it's not surprising they both know so much.  I find it interesting to get the first-hand perspective of more than one person in a situation.

Slightly O/T -- there was once a poster who had posted about a funny situation involving her sister's dog.  Another poster then replied about how she had the same situation happen with her dog.  Poster #1 then replied to Poster #2 something like, "Poster #2, this is your sister" (which she was -- it was well known Posters #1 and 2 were sisters).  It was pretty funny.

#### VorFemme

• Member
• Posts: 15587
• It's too darned hot! (song from Kiss Me, Kate)
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #575 on: December 11, 2012, 06:18:46 PM »
I admit I didn't handle that part well. But she's also the type that would sit there and tell the server (repeatedly) "oh its so sad that you have to work instead of spend the day with your family" and not understand that her being there is why they're having to work. I jumped the gun there and I realize that. Now just to find a way to set up plans a different way (SIL never ever hosts, so I don't get why she's even pushing for this)

I've met your SIL - three things to consider.

Her health is not that great right now.

Would she or her husband be doing the cooking?  Or possibly her mother-in-law, if his family is coming over for a combined holiday......

Look at the bright side - dinner out can be cut off at three hours or less, so you can "take the toddler home for his nap" or "let the dogs out of the garage for their bathroom break". Going to anyone else's house is likely to get you guilt tripped if it isn't four-to-six hours or longer......or would you rather have them over at your house?  Yeah - she's that clueless - but with a narcissistic mother, it's amazing that she has any empathy at all.  She does have some empathy towards the people who are working - even if her LOGIC (as to who is making them work) isn't strong.....neither Vulcans nor Betans on that side of the family......

ETA - if anyone remembers Ambrosia Hino's earlier posts, or mine, this is CrazyMIL's DD.  The family traditions have had to be adjusted as CrazyMIL is being given the cut direct after making death threats to both her SIL and her DIL.  Since she also made death threats to her ex-DH (their father) and tried to hire someone to do the job...the situation with her would seem to warrant the etiquette version of "weapons of mass destruction".

SIL is never in charge of the cooking. Any of the cooking. Get-togethers at her house generally mean either going out to eat or ordering/bringing takeout. Her house is also a cluttered mess, and not a good place to let Toddler play. Family get-togethers, so far, are almost always at FIL & SMIL (step-mother-in-law) house. I wouldn't mind hosting, I've offered before but SMIL always wants to do it (and never shows when we do host something, but that's a different story).

This year, the dynamic is weird because we usually do Thanksgiving with them and Christmas with my family, and things got swapped. I told my DH that either we can host or we can all go out Christmas Eve and stay home just the 3 of us for Christmas Day.

*The comments that I mentioned SIL is known for, even if she doesn't mean them this way, are usually said in a gloating/condescending/snotty tone. Going out to eat with her always ends up with us picking up the bill as well. I don't have room in the budget and I doubt FIL does either, for a restaurant meal for 9 (2 college kids and a toddler...the 20 yr old boy makes up for the toddler in amount of food eaten!)

Bean dip - if you don't have the time, money, patience, or inclination to go out to eat on Christmas Day with them you don't have the time, money, patience, etc...  Blame it on the toddler having been exposed to something at the day care and you don't want to expose her to it (health problems).  Then stay home in pajamas and have fun for a while......

For those who don't know the dynamic with this SIL, her "example" on how to behave properly was CrazyMIL or Nearly-as-Crazy-Stepmother - so her behaviour is odd at times...she can be sweet one minute then do something bizarre the next.  And she sees nothing wrong because she is still acting better than her two examples...which isn't a guarantee of "good behaviour" when those examples are so far off the mean, the norm, and even "sane" standards.  Eccentric would be not be a good description - because it would still imply that the person was closer to normal that they really are.  Does "beyond eccentric" make sense?  Because that is as close to a description as I can get without being too recognizable (small town in Georgia describes a LOT of places - but not as many once you start mentioning some of the other details - and both CrazyMIL and Nearly-as-crazy-Stepmother are still alive*).

*And a bit more than half a bubble off plumb, as well, from what I understand...

You guys seem to have way more background together on this than the rest of us do.  Maybe it'd be better in a PM?

July 2007 - wedding thread has some background (especially about CrazyMIL - who stole a handicapped parking placard from her son for her own use, among other stunts while she was here for a grand total of five days & four nights...unless it was four days and three nights - it was a very hectic few days & "memory fails me" due to being short of sleep those few days) - Ambrosia Hino is my DD - but at least some of the advice seemed general enough to apply to more than just her.  We did speak on the phone earlier today...for more specific-to-her suggestions.

http://www.weddinghellsbells.com/smf/index.php?topic=7307.30 - found post on Hells Bells forum - for background.
« Last Edit: December 12, 2012, 06:43:43 PM by VorFemme »
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?

#### Ms_Cellany

• The Queen of Squee
• Member
• Posts: 6401
• Big white goggie? No. Hasn't seen him.
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #576 on: December 11, 2012, 07:44:10 PM »
Quote from: SoCalVal

Slightly O/T -- there was once a poster who had posted about a funny situation involving her sister's dog.  Another poster then replied about how she had the same situation happen with her dog.  Poster #1 then replied to Poster #2 something like, "Poster #2, this is your sister" (which she was -- it was well known Posters #1 and 2 were sisters).  It was pretty funny.

I was poster #2! In my defense, when I read on my phone, I enlarge the screen and the usernames don't show.
Bingle bongle dingle dangle yickity-do yickity-dah ping-pong lippy-toppy too tah.

#### cass2591

• Global Moderator
• Posts: 3709
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #577 on: December 11, 2012, 08:13:36 PM »
VF and ambrosia, please take you conversation off line. I'm assuming you know each other's phone numbers and/or email addresses, etc.
There is no pie in Nighthawks, which is why it's such a desolate image. ~ Happy Stomach

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. ~ Mark Twain

Adopting a pet won't change the world, but it will change the world for that pet.

#### RooRoo

• Member
• Posts: 729
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #578 on: December 17, 2012, 04:56:23 PM »
I have a new one - after this Thanksgiving.

If you say you're coming "for dessert" - either eat it, or take it home with you. Don't put us to the trouble of making a lot of stuff - enough for MIL, DH, and I to have a small serving apiece, with plenty left over for the four of you - and then refuse it.

We had baked 2 apple pies from scratch, laid in some whipped cream, I made my famous "Pink Stuff", and MIL brought over a half gallon of ice cream to go with the pies. We three had dinner around 3 pm.

BIL and family showed up at around 7:00. They stayed for about an hour - and turned down the dessert, because they were "too full" after having dinner at her sister's. No, they didn't take any leftovers, though they were offered.

Did I mention that I'm both diabetic and obese? And that MIL and DH are both carefully watching their weight? And that BIL & family (all beanpoles who have trouble keeping weight on) know this?

I also learned this: If they can't tell us whether or not they are coming until the day before, I don't need to cook for them. Yep, we bought enough food for 7, only to be told they would come "for dessert," and then they didn't even eat that. Can you tell I'm resentful? And they are great people, not moochers, not toxic or any of that stuff.
…though he by no means wished to accept the invitation, he had not yet acquired the necessary power of decidedly saying No.
Mrs. Edgeworth, The Parents Assistant, “The Mimic;” 1795

#### JennJenn68

• Member
• Posts: 758
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #579 on: December 17, 2012, 06:46:03 PM »
We had baked 2 apple pies from scratch, laid in some whipped cream, I made my famous "Pink Stuff", and MIL brought over a half gallon of ice cream to go with the pies. We three had dinner around 3 pm.

OT, I know, but what is "Pink Stuff"?  I'm intrigued--I'm always on the lookout for new and interesting desserts.

And I don't blame you in the least for being annoyed.  Not being able to tell you whether or not they were coming until the day before smacks of people "waiting for a better offer", and that would cause me to be resentful, at the very least.  That's a lot of food, a lot of expense, a lot of work, and it all went to waste.  Yep, you have every right to fail to cook or bake for them in future.  (Wish I could have been there--I LOVE homemade apple pie!)

#### VorFemme

• Member
• Posts: 15587
• It's too darned hot! (song from Kiss Me, Kate)
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #580 on: December 17, 2012, 07:19:46 PM »
Having running water and working appliances- I've had my oven go out on Thanksgiving one year and a few years later (different house) the fridge completely broke down.  Right now, we have NO company - which is a good thing as we also have no running water.

The main broke two blocks down and the repair crew is still out there...at least it's still a week before Christmas.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I explain?

#### Venus193

• Member
• Posts: 17081
• Backstage passes are wonderful things!
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #581 on: December 17, 2012, 07:54:48 PM »
Oh, dear, that's awful.

My fridge needs to be cleaned and I am not in the mood.  It's a good thing I am company this year rather than having company.

#### weeblewobble

• Member
• Posts: 3899
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #582 on: December 17, 2012, 09:36:16 PM »
Thanks to the events in my "Step in and simplify travel plans?" thread, I have a new hill.  DO NOT suck me in to your over-complicated and pointless "surprises," especially if those surprises put my loved ones in a difficult, precarious position. Do not put the weight of maintaining this surprise on my shoulders.

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=123626.30

#### JustEstelle

• Member
• Posts: 1061
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #583 on: December 17, 2012, 10:36:33 PM »
JennJenn, I'm not the person you asked, but I think I can describe the Pink Stuff.  If it's the same stuff my sister makes, it's a luscious mixture of cherry pie filling, crushed pineapple, sweetened condensed milk, whipped topping, and nuts.  Not sure of the exact proportions, but that's what's in the stuff my sister makes.  It's to.die.for!

#### jedikaiti

• Swiss Army Nerd
• Member
• Posts: 3593
• A pie in the hand is worth two in the mail.
##### Re: Your holiday hill to die on.
« Reply #584 on: December 17, 2012, 11:47:15 PM »
My DF makes a wholly different Pink Stuff. It would be horribly scary (to me, anyway) if it weren't all fresh ingredients: grapes (sliced in half), cranberries (popped in the Cuisinart with sugar and then left to sit overnight), whipped cream (as in we buy heavy cream and whip it with sugar and vanilla), apples, blueberries, raspberries, walnuts, strawberries... between the cranberries and the raspberries, it's pretty well pink.

In short, fruit and whipped cream and sugar. Yum! I thought it looked terrifying until I tried. DF grew up with it made from Cool Whip and canned stuff (probably cheap, inferior quality canned stuff), but we're Foodies (and he is, after all, a chef) so he uses all fresh ingredients.
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

"The problem with re-examining your brilliant ideas is that more often than not, you discover they are the intellectual equivalent of saying, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'" - Cindy Couture