Author Topic: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32  (Read 15681 times)

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missmolly

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Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« on: October 25, 2011, 04:32:11 AM »
BG: I hang out with a core group of about 10 people, with various others coming and going. In this core group is one girl called Emma, who has been a really good friend to me over the years. However, I made the mistake of complaining about my enduring singlehood to her one day.

Now she is really keen for me to go out on a date with Steve, one of her close friends. I've met him a few times, and I can honestly say that I don't think too highly of him. He doesn't set my hinky meter of, per se, but he does come across as pushy and quite aggressive in his opinions.

Apparently Steve is quite receptive to the idea, but I'm not and I have made it quite clear to Emma that I'm not interested. I have told her that I haven't felt a click with him, but she is convinced that I should at least give him a try in a date setting. I will be seeing both of them at a party over the weekend, so I'd like some tips on how to handle myself around them.
« Last Edit: November 01, 2011, 05:45:21 PM by missmolly »
"Any idiot can face a crisis, it is this day-to-day living that wears you out". Chekhov.

Ms Aspasia

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2011, 06:13:53 AM »
"No thanks."  Beandip.

QueenofAllThings

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2011, 07:18:57 AM »
"It's not you, it's me"

Chances are, she will try to 'throw you together' at the party. This gives you the perfect opportunity to chat with him for a minute or two and, if he asks you out, to say No Thank you. If he doesn't ask you out, next time Emma mentions something, say "He had the opportunity, he didn't ask me out, and I'm really OK with that. How about that [local sports team]?"

RingTailedLemur

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2011, 07:21:32 AM »
Ugh, I really hate the attitude that a woman is being somehow unreasonable if she doesn't date someone she isn't interested in just because he likes her.

Say no.  If necessary, say NO.

You have made it clear you are not interested, the time for tiptoeing round with cutesy phrases is past.

I would go with, "No.  I am not interested in him.  Stop asking.  Now."

weeblewobble

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #4 on: October 25, 2011, 07:44:44 AM »
You shouldn't do something as intimate as dating to make someone else happy. POD to posters above.

WillyNilly

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #5 on: October 25, 2011, 08:20:25 AM »
I think you need to have a frank talk with Emma. I dubt to a friend a one-off line like "no thanks" will cnvey the message. Let her know that while you would at some point like to have a relationship, you aren't interested in dating for the sake of dating. Let her know that while Steve is fine socially, he has certain qualities about him that don't suit your 'romantic partner' criteria. You might want to remind her that you could easily find a just any old guy date - almost anyone can - but that's not what you are looking for and that's why you are single. Not from lack of options, but rather lack of options you are interested in.

If Steve asks you out politely say no. If he presses further, which as a casual friend he might, just explain the above to him as well. Let him know he seems like a good guy, but good for somon else.

And then, once you've dealt with the annoyance of it all, remember to take a moment to be flattered that he was interested, and just how awesome a vibe you must be putting out there.

rashea

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #6 on: October 25, 2011, 08:38:53 AM »
I think you need to be a bit more blunt. Tell her that you're glad she thought of you, but that Steve seems a bit more forceful than you are interested in for a romantic partner, and that you really need her to back off.
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

Vermont

Ms Aspasia

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #7 on: October 25, 2011, 08:41:56 AM »
I think you need to have a frank talk with Emma. I dubt to a friend a one-off line like "no thanks" will cnvey the message.
<snip>
However, the OP has "made it quite clear" to Emma that she isn't interested, so I think it would be polite to shift to a short rejoinder. 

Auntie Mame

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #8 on: October 25, 2011, 02:53:12 PM »
1) Point blank ask your friend why she refuses to accept your no.

2) Tell your friend no woman is ever, EVER, obligated to go on a adte with any man for ANY REASON WHATSOEVER!  Sorry to scream that, but that attitude rankles me to no end.

3) Tell Steve.  No. nothing else, no.

Auntie needs fuel, black coffee and a side car.

grannyclampettjr

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #9 on: October 25, 2011, 06:24:35 PM »
Tell her what I told people when I was single, which is that your first test of a man is whether or not he makes the first move, how he responds to flirtation, etc, and that you find the intial attraction and uncertainty to be the best part of dating.   

I adopted this policy because I spent 12 years of my life with the most passive/passive-aggressive man I've ever met.   He forced me to make every single decision in the marriage, down to what we had for dinner every night, but if I guessed wrong, he'd pout like a child.   Yeah, no, not doing that again.  I prefer my current alpha male--at least I can tell him to stop acting like a donkey's behind without him acting like I'm a "bad Mommy". 

If that doesn't work, tell her you are no longer friends with the last person who tried to fix you up with someone.  (This is true for me as well, and it shuts people right up.)

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #10 on: October 25, 2011, 10:30:02 PM »
Aww, c'mon, why don't you give Steve a chance? I mean, you're both single and breathing. What more could you possibly want?  ;D

In all seriousness, I'd behave as normal towards Emma and Steve at the party. Try to avoid situations where Emma "throws" you and Steve together. I think it's fine to excuse yourself from conversations with "just Steve" on the basis that you need to use the bathroom / get a drink / talk to someone else / etc.

If Steve asks you out, politely decline. If he (or Emma) press you for specific reason, I think you're fine in telling them the truth - ie that you prefer potential dates to be less forceful and opinionated.

poundcake

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #11 on: October 26, 2011, 12:11:49 PM »
1) Point blank ask your friend why she refuses to accept your no.

2) Tell your friend no woman is ever, EVER, obligated to go on a adte with any man for ANY REASON WHATSOEVER! Sorry to scream that, but that attitude rankles me to no end.

3) Tell Steve.  No. nothing else, no.

I thought that needed just a weensy bit more emphasis.

Allyson

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #12 on: October 26, 2011, 08:27:20 PM »
Some people seem to think that just because you want to date *somebody*, you should want to date *anybody*. The attitude seems like, 'well, you keep complaining you don't have shoes--here are some shoes! why aren't you grateful, even if they're not your size?"

greencat

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #13 on: October 27, 2011, 02:20:34 AM »
I think that once-upon-a-time, people set people up with friends who were good matches.  Compatible personalities, each other's physical type, both wanting relationships.  Now it seems like "single" is a good enough qualifier.  My own friends are guilty of this kind of mis-matchmaking - they set me up with a great guy...who wants nothing more than to be single.

I'd advocate not just avoiding one-on-one conversation with Steve, but with Emma as well - that way she can't orchestrate leaving you alone with Steve.

cicero

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #14 on: October 27, 2011, 04:28:54 AM »
1) Point blank ask your friend why she refuses to accept your no.

2) Tell your friend no woman is ever, EVER, obligated to go on a adte with any man for ANY REASON WHATSOEVER! Sorry to scream that, but that attitude rankles me to no end.

3) Tell Steve.  No. nothing else, no.

I thought that needed just a weensy bit more emphasis.
POD

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