Author Topic: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32  (Read 14297 times)

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hobish

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #30 on: October 27, 2011, 08:25:35 PM »
1) "I feel uncomfortable around Steve, and not in a good way."

2) "I don't want to end up on My Very Worst Date" (http://myveryworstdate.com/)

Hah! I love the 2nd one. That is good! If Emma never heard of MVWD it could even double as bean dip.
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PaddedPaws

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #31 on: October 29, 2011, 03:25:25 PM »
I don't think you need to say anything to Emma at all. If she brings it up when you're alone with her, just tell her you don't feel like talking about Steve anymore and change the subject.

You only need to say something to Steve if he asks you out, in which case you can simply smile and say no. Something like: "Thank you for the offer, but I think we're better off as friends." If he doesn't ask you out, then just be normal around him and treat him like any other friend of a friend. Don't let yourself feel awkward about it.

missmolly

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #32 on: November 01, 2011, 05:44:53 PM »
Update:

I went to the party on Saturday night, and Emma was there but Steve was not able to make it (I didn't ask). Emma mentioned him a couple of times, which I pointedly ignored. Other than that, I had a good night, but I did resent Emma for putting me on edge for a night where I could have properly relaxed.

Yesterday she texted me and casually mentioned that Steve had asked for my number, and she wanted to make sure it was okay. I'm not proud of myself, because I completely lost it.

Molly: Emma, no, it is not okay. I've made it quite clear to you that I am not interested in Steve. I'm working long hours, I have lots of study to do, and you know that. I don't have time to waste on somebody I know already that I don't connect with, and quite honestly, I don't like. Stop bringing him up to me, and stop encouraging Steve. It's not going to happen.
Emma: Oh. Sorry Molly. It's just that you said -
Molly: Yes I know what I said. I would like a guy in my life, but I want that guy to be the right one. Okay? Now can we please put this to rest?
Emma: Yes. I'm really sorry.

We then had a awkward conversation about Halloween. As I say, I do feel bad about the way that I blew up at her, but at least it sounds like she got the message.
"Any idiot can face a crisis, it is this day-to-day living that wears you out". Chekhov.

greencat

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #33 on: November 01, 2011, 06:05:21 PM »
You lost it in a perfectly E-Hell approved way.  If that's an exact transcript, you didn't swear.  You didn't attack Emma.  You set boundaries.   Good job!

Auntie Mame

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #34 on: November 01, 2011, 06:48:37 PM »
I think you handled that beautifully.  Sometimes you have to be firm and to the point with people.

I did not see anywhere in that text that you were rude.
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missmolly

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #35 on: November 01, 2011, 07:08:20 PM »
I think you handled that beautifully.  Sometimes you have to be firm and to the point with people.

I did not see anywhere in that text that you were rude.

I agree that the words themselves weren't rude. I wasn't yelling, but my tone was definitely rude. It was dripping with terseness and exasperation.
"Any idiot can face a crisis, it is this day-to-day living that wears you out". Chekhov.

Garden Goblin

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #36 on: November 01, 2011, 07:24:26 PM »

No one is suggesting the OP is obligated to go out with any guy that asks. Why are you screaming about it? Do you think EHellions need to be screamed at? Do you think we need that particular message screamed at us? Do you think the OP does?

Considering how many times I've been told I was 'rude' for turning a guy down for a date, refusing to give a guy my number, or not reacting with joy at the thought of being set up, I can't say as though I'm that upset at seeing it in large bold letters on an etiquette forum.  I wouldn't mind seeing it in inch high blinking letters on every etiquette website, in bold red letters on the first page of every etiquette book, and tattooed on the foreheads of all advice columnists. 

I've been full on lectured that a 'lady' may not turn down a date but is obligated to go on at least one date with any man who gets up the nerve to ask her out.  And when I complained about the lecture, people I previously thought of as polite and rational made comments like 'she's right, you know'.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #37 on: November 01, 2011, 11:35:57 PM »

No one is suggesting the OP is obligated to go out with any guy that asks. Why are you screaming about it? Do you think EHellions need to be screamed at? Do you think we need that particular message screamed at us? Do you think the OP does?

Considering how many times I've been told I was 'rude' for turning a guy down for a date, refusing to give a guy my number, or not reacting with joy at the thought of being set up, I can't say as though I'm that upset at seeing it in large bold letters on an etiquette forum.  I wouldn't mind seeing it in inch high blinking letters on every etiquette website, in bold red letters on the first page of every etiquette book, and tattooed on the foreheads of all advice columnists. 

I've been full on lectured that a 'lady' may not turn down a date but is obligated to go on at least one date with any man who gets up the nerve to ask her out.   And when I complained about the lecture, people I previously thought of as polite and rational made comments like 'she's right, you know'.

What's their source for this nonsense?

blarg314

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #38 on: November 02, 2011, 04:38:20 AM »
I think that once-upon-a-time, people set people up with friends who were good matches.  Compatible personalities, each other's physical type, both wanting relationships.  Now it seems like "single" is a good enough qualifier.  My own friends are guilty of this kind of mis-matchmaking - they set me up with a great guy...who wants nothing more than to be single.

I'd give the matchmaking friends some sympathy in general, because it's really, really hard to make romantic judgements for someone else.  In order to successfully matchmake with high accuracy, you need to not only know what two of your friends *say* about what they want in a partner, but also what they *think* about it, because what someone says they are looking for, and what they go for can be very different. Plus, you need to understand what makes them subconsciously attracted to a person, and what turns them off, when even they probably can't tell you.  Quantifying what makes you attracted to one person and not another, when on paper they look pretty similar, is not easy.

When you go on an online dating site, you can find dozens of guys who fit what you're looking for on paper, and come across decently in the initial chat, but where the first date is a total washout. And that's making a judgment for yourself. And there can be the really good friend of the opposite sex where you get along amazingly well but simply aren't interested romantically, or the guy who is totally bad news, and everyone else can see it, but you're pulled towards him anyways.

So in other words, your friends might be doing their best, and you still get a bunch of dates with people where it doesn't work out.

Now, in the OP's case, I'd say the problem was not that her friend though that she and Steve would be a good match, it was in not taking no for an answer.

whiterose

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #39 on: November 02, 2011, 07:30:15 AM »

No one is suggesting the OP is obligated to go out with any guy that asks. Why are you screaming about it? Do you think EHellions need to be screamed at? Do you think we need that particular message screamed at us? Do you think the OP does?

Considering how many times I've been told I was 'rude' for turning a guy down for a date, refusing to give a guy my number, or not reacting with joy at the thought of being set up, I can't say as though I'm that upset at seeing it in large bold letters on an etiquette forum.  I wouldn't mind seeing it in inch high blinking letters on every etiquette website, in bold red letters on the first page of every etiquette book, and tattooed on the foreheads of all advice columnists. 

I've been full on lectured that a 'lady' may not turn down a date but is obligated to go on at least one date with any man who gets up the nerve to ask her out.   And when I complained about the lecture, people I previously thought of as polite and rational made comments like 'she's right, you know'.

What's their source for this nonsense?

Believe it or not, my family has told me things like that. It is just part of being "grateful", I guess. That turning down dates would hurt their feelings. That I should stop being so picky (about caring about things like compatibility, commonality, and chemistry) and start being grateful that he is not abusive/criminal/vicious/adulterous/financially irresponsible.

OP- I am glad you were able to let her know that he is not for you. You actively dislike him. It is not just a case of not feeling anything special the few times you have talked to him. Or that he may have seemed a little testy when you met him that one time over a year ago. He and you do not seem compatible at all.
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Garden Goblin

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #40 on: November 02, 2011, 11:44:10 AM »

What's their source for this nonsense?

Probably the same book that explains that one isn't a 'grown' woman until one is married, and isn't a 'real' woman until one has children, and how it's 'unnatural' for a woman not to want to be a stay at home mother, blah blah blah.   I could go into considerable detail about the many ways society supports this idea, but it would probably end up getting the thread locked.  Suffice to say, disagreement with this mindset is one of the many reasons I consider myself a feminist.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #41 on: November 02, 2011, 11:48:01 AM »
I'm at a loss for words.

Twik

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #42 on: November 02, 2011, 12:08:35 PM »

No one is suggesting the OP is obligated to go out with any guy that asks. Why are you screaming about it? Do you think EHellions need to be screamed at? Do you think we need that particular message screamed at us? Do you think the OP does?

Considering how many times I've been told I was 'rude' for turning a guy down for a date, refusing to give a guy my number, or not reacting with joy at the thought of being set up, I can't say as though I'm that upset at seeing it in large bold letters on an etiquette forum.  I wouldn't mind seeing it in inch high blinking letters on every etiquette website, in bold red letters on the first page of every etiquette book, and tattooed on the foreheads of all advice columnists. 

I've been full on lectured that a 'lady' may not turn down a date but is obligated to go on at least one date with any man who gets up the nerve to ask her out.  And when I complained about the lecture, people I previously thought of as polite and rational made comments like 'she's right, you know'.

So, they advise that rather than turn a guy flat, they suggest you give him a glimmer of false hope, only to dash it the *second* time he asks you out? Do they also suggest cutting off the dog's tail one inch at a time, so as not to be cruel?
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whiterose

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #43 on: November 02, 2011, 01:57:09 PM »

No one is suggesting the OP is obligated to go out with any guy that asks. Why are you screaming about it? Do you think EHellions need to be screamed at? Do you think we need that particular message screamed at us? Do you think the OP does?

Considering how many times I've been told I was 'rude' for turning a guy down for a date, refusing to give a guy my number, or not reacting with joy at the thought of being set up, I can't say as though I'm that upset at seeing it in large bold letters on an etiquette forum.  I wouldn't mind seeing it in inch high blinking letters on every etiquette website, in bold red letters on the first page of every etiquette book, and tattooed on the foreheads of all advice columnists. 

I've been full on lectured that a 'lady' may not turn down a date but is obligated to go on at least one date with any man who gets up the nerve to ask her out.  And when I complained about the lecture, people I previously thought of as polite and rational made comments like 'she's right, you know'.

So, they advise that rather than turn a guy flat, they suggest you give him a glimmer of false hope, only to dash it the *second* time he asks you out? Do they also suggest cutting off the dog's tail one inch at a time, so as not to be cruel?

Nope. More like "keep saying YES every time he asks you out, unless he does something dangerous/illegal/immoral. Then when he wants to take the relationship to the next level and you don't want to, simply say NO". According to them, THAT will hurt their feelings less than a NO early on.
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Virg

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #44 on: November 02, 2011, 02:02:45 PM »
Twik wrote:

"Do they also suggest cutting off the dog's tail one inch at a time, so as not to be cruel?"

Nah, you lead the guy to believe that cutting off the dog's tail will get you to take it up a notch, then when he does it, use it as a reason to dump him.  You get rid of him, and the dog still likes you.  Two birds, one stone, eh?

Seriously, though, I've had a female friend talking to me about a date that she was dreading, but she didn't want to say "no" to the guy because she thought it would be rude.  I had to disavow her of the idea, so I see where Garden Goblin is coming from.

Virg