Author Topic: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32  (Read 14334 times)

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supotco

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #60 on: November 18, 2011, 06:17:13 PM »
Yes, I've also had the disbelieving, "But why won't you go out with him?"  (Um, because I'm not interested in him).


I won't even go out on one date with a guy I'm not interested in. At least not anymore. It's always a mistake. There may be some that I think I MAY be interested in (ie not interested yet, but could be, maybe) and those are worthy of giving a chance to, but there has to be *something* there to spark my curiosity or interest for me to go out with them on a date-like setting. I'd say initial disinterest is a good indicator of future disinterest. It's not like the movies, where for the first hour and a half of the movie the woman hates the guy, and he spends the whole movie pursuing her until something happens and she changes her mind. That just doesn't happen in real life (or if it does, I've never heard of it).

I've had this too. I have been asked, sincerely, how I could be so cruel as to turn down a date.

I didn't key the guy's car, try to steal his cat, or tell him that he was boring and his eyes were too close together (which would have had the benefit of being true, at any rate). I just declined to go out with him.





TootsNYC

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #61 on: November 19, 2011, 08:10:35 AM »

I got the same thing about dancing with men at weddings. I went to my cousin's wedding without my boyfriend and one particular young man was very persistent about asking me to dance repeatedly and not letting me gracefully escape. I was given a very hard time about turning down his requests after two songs because he made me uncomfortable and I didn't want to dance with a single young man all night with my BF at home. Apparently people also think, "Well, he made the effort and summoned the courage so you HAVE to dance with him!"


This used to be an actual requirement of etiquette. And in fact, MEN were required to ask nearly every woman in the room to dance, especially those who were unattended.

However, dancing was not (as it seems to have become in our culture today) the equivalent of making out or something. It was just a pleasant thing to do with someone else who was at the same party. It wasn't the beginning of something.

It was about making sure that SOMEbody was dancing.

However, since dancing with someone has a far higher meaning in American culture today, I can see why you wouldn't want to.


The "you have to accept a date at least once" may be a leftover from the age when women's marriages were major achievements for them, and refusing a guy without giving him a chance may have damaged your reputation.

TootsNYC

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #62 on: November 19, 2011, 08:13:08 AM »
And it is cracking me up that even people who OBJECTED to the red type, bold face, shadow, etc., are REPEATING IT by quoting it.


I do wish Iknew whether the OP had told her friend, "I do know Steve--I've seen him at parties a lot, and I don't really like Steve that much--he's too pushy," or whether she said only something wimpier, "I'm not that interested."

Though Emma really should have dropped it. If the OP had been at ALL interested, surely she'd have said yes--wouldn't see?

missmolly

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #63 on: November 19, 2011, 05:47:36 PM »
And it is cracking me up that even people who OBJECTED to the red type, bold face, shadow, etc., are REPEATING IT by quoting it.


I do wish Iknew whether the OP had told her friend, "I do know Steve--I've seen him at parties a lot, and I don't really like Steve that much--he's too pushy," or whether she said only something wimpier, "I'm not that interested."
Though Emma really should have dropped it. If the OP had been at ALL interested, surely she'd have said yes--wouldn't see?

When I did blow up at her I did state that I didn't like Steve. Prior to that I kept repeating, "He's not my cup of tea".
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whiterose

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #64 on: November 20, 2011, 10:41:27 AM »
And it is cracking me up that even people who OBJECTED to the red type, bold face, shadow, etc., are REPEATING IT by quoting it.


I do wish Iknew whether the OP had told her friend, "I do know Steve--I've seen him at parties a lot, and I don't really like Steve that much--he's too pushy," or whether she said only something wimpier, "I'm not that interested."
Though Emma really should have dropped it. If the OP had been at ALL interested, surely she'd have said yes--wouldn't see?

When I did blow up at her I did state that I didn't like Steve. Prior to that I kept repeating, "He's not my cup of tea".

Wow. You actively dislike him. It's not a simple case of "he has not talked much the few times I have met him, so I do not know him all that well, let alone feel something special for him". You actually not only think you two are incompatible- you would much rather not hang out with him period.

I cannot believe she still pushed him onto you.
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poundcake

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #65 on: November 20, 2011, 03:02:29 PM »
And it is cracking me up that even people who OBJECTED to the red type, bold face, shadow, etc., are REPEATING IT by quoting it.

Secretly, I think the red-shadow bold font looks pretty cool.  :D

StarDrifter

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #66 on: November 23, 2011, 07:33:13 AM »
I just keep thinking, what kind of tiny, fragile egos do these 'men' have if people think they can't even handle one tiny rejection?

Good on you OP for setting your boundaries politely, even if you did have to be a little forceful about it. Personally, I'd be re-thinking my friendship with anyone who was quite that insistent about you dating someone you have reiterated is 'not your cup of tea'.

Actually, I did that... and still rarely talk to the girl in question. She insisted that I would love to date her brother, that we'd make a great match etc. I'd met him a few times and found him to be loud-mouthed, opinionated and openly racist.

I think it was the fact that she kept trying to 'set us up' even after I got together with my now-husband that made me draw the line.
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Auntie Mame

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #67 on: November 23, 2011, 12:50:20 PM »
I just keep thinking, what kind of tiny, fragile egos do these 'men' have if people think they can't even handle one tiny rejection?


I wonder the same thing.  I can't even begin to repeat the names I have been called simply because I (politely) "spurned a man's advances". 
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supotco

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #68 on: November 23, 2011, 05:25:30 PM »
I've been told 'Oh, but you don't want to upset him'. Well, somone who spends the night weeping into his pillow because I turned down a date is far too immature to be dating anyone. If they're suggesting that this person might get nasty or violent, I *definitely* don't want to go out with them.


padua

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not
« Reply #69 on: November 23, 2011, 05:57:45 PM »

No one is suggesting the OP is obligated to go out with any guy that asks. Why are you screaming about it? Do you think EHellions need to be screamed at? Do you think we need that particular message screamed at us? Do you think the OP does?

Considering how many times I've been told I was 'rude' for turning a guy down for a date, refusing to give a guy my number, or not reacting with joy at the thought of being set up, I can't say as though I'm that upset at seeing it in large bold letters on an etiquette forum.  I wouldn't mind seeing it in inch high blinking letters on every etiquette website, in bold red letters on the first page of every etiquette book, and tattooed on the foreheads of all advice columnists. 

I've been full on lectured that a 'lady' may not turn down a date but is obligated to go on at least one date with any man who gets up the nerve to ask her out.   And when I complained about the lecture, people I previously thought of as polite and rational made comments like 'she's right, you know'.

What's their source for this nonsense?

my mother.
these are her words. and all of a sudden i'm having flashbacks to junior prom when she was pushing me to go with a german exchange student because 'it must have taken so much courage to ask you out.' nevermind i didn't speak his language (at the time ) and his english was halting at best.

by the by- i did end up going with him. because mom was also the best guilt-tripper of anyone i know.

Winterlight

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #70 on: November 23, 2011, 07:21:45 PM »
I've been told 'Oh, but you don't want to upset him'. Well, somone who spends the night weeping into his pillow because I turned down a date is far too immature to be dating anyone. If they're suggesting that this person might get nasty or violent, I *definitely* don't want to go out with them.

This. If he's that upset at being turned down, I don't want to know what would happen if I disagreed with him.
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Nora

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Re: Give him a chance - I'd rather not UPDATE #32
« Reply #71 on: November 24, 2011, 06:05:26 AM »
I've been told 'Oh, but you don't want to upset him'. Well, somone who spends the night weeping into his pillow because I turned down a date is far too immature to be dating anyone. If they're suggesting that this person might get nasty or violent, I *definitely* don't want to go out with them.

This. If he's that upset at being turned down, I don't want to know what would happen if I disagreed with him.

Agreed!
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.