Rude response to a present

[sammycat]

A few years ago my children and I were at the 6th (or 7th?) birthday party for a boy in our playgroup.  I've known this boy since he was a few months old and from the age of about 18 months he has been a little snot basically.  He'd do things like take the other children's toys when no adults were watching and then scream and carry one when the other child (quite rightly) took them back, always try to be the centre of attention, blame others for his wrong doings and basically just behave badly. This type of behaviour may be tolerable in a toddler but starts to wear thin in a 3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10 year old.  His mum is a lovely person but just didn't seem to be very good at setting boundaries and sticking to them.

Anyway, towards the end of this party he was sitting on a bar stool unwrapping the presents.  He opened some, never said thank you without prompting, and then came to a parcel that contained clothes.  He opened it up, took one look at them, got a horrible sneer on his face and said something along the lines of 'yuck' and just dropped them to the ground before starting on the next parcel.  I was disgusted, but really not surprised. Fortunately the gift giver (not a regular member of our playgroup) had already left so didn't witness this.  I have wondered since then though whether they would have been perfectly within their rights to take the present back, or whether that would have been seen as being just as rude as birthday boy?

FWIW:  If it had been my present I would have picked it up and taken it home, and if it had been my child acting that way I would have given all the presents back to the givers.  (Thankfully though they have never behaved like that).

[WestAussieGirl]

I have actually been the gift-giver in a scenario very like this.  I bought my niece (who was Barbie mad at the time) a Barbie motor-scooter.  I thought she'd love it so was excited to give it to her.  Instead she threw it to one side, folded her arms, and pouted (she was around 7 at the time - old enough to know better).  Someone asked her what was wrong, didn't she like the present?  She said, "I didn't say I didn't like it, it's just boring.  I wanted something exciting."

Did I want to take the gift back?  Yes.  Did I?  No.  I didn't want to make a big scene in front of the rest of the family and I thought it was her mother's responsibility to deal with this behaviour.  The mother said "Jennnnnny...that's not very nice" and that was the end of it.  I thought at the time, if ever I have a child that behaves that way, every single gift will be packed up and given to charity.  I am a Mum now so it might one day be put to the test but I hope not.

Oh, my niece is 12 now and is still rude and ungrateful.  She's also got the pre-teen "this is sooooo boring" thing going on pretty much all the time.

I'd stop going to this boy's birthday parties, if I were you.

[blue_bunny_paz]

How rude! If it had been my gift I don't think I would have taken it back but this would certainly not encourage me to make an effort in future. Since other parents saw this behaviour, they may too think twice.
However, if the present was literally left in the floor I think the giver would be within their rights to find a better home for it.

Sadly it might lead some people to spend far more time or money to avoid disapproval. This doesn't exactly encourage an obnoxious child to think about their actions and gift-giving shouldn't lead to worry that a present is inadequate.

It's a shame that the parent doesn't know how to set boundaries as it's very hard for someone else to do it for them and a snotty child grows into a snotty adult, providing many years of EH stories.

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

While I'm not about to say that a child should be allowed to get away with that, it's a scientific fact that children don't think in the same way that adults do. Things that adults take as rude, ungrateful, selfish, etc. are often only because the child is reacting without thinking. If my child (I don't have any, unless you count the 240 annually  ) did that, I would explain that to do that was rude, and that one should always be gracious when receiving gifts. Only if the child repeated that behaviour would I be more severe, and yes, I would take the gift away or give it to charity.

I remember being very young - four or five - and when the new minister at my parents' church came to introduce himself and say hello to me, I got terribly shy and turned away. My father gave me a dressing-down right there, telling me it was "rude to turn your back on someone", etc. I've never forgotten that, and I still think he overreacted. He could have just said to the minster, "She's a bit shy," and told me later not to do that. To this day I feel uncomfortable about that because at that age I truly didn't know better, and I'm sure the guy thought I was a rude brat (from how my father spoke to me) instead of just a shy little girl who didn't know what to do when meeting someone imposing. (I can remember this because I have a photographic memory, BTW - freaks people right out when I mention things they said in front of me 22 years ago!)

Children's way of thinking does become more sophisticated, but at the age of six or seven they still can't comprehend things the way an adult does. That's why, when I ask kids why they must do their homework (+- age 11) they usually answer in terms of, "So I don't get into trouble." Thinking further into the future, like they must do it in order to become literate and thus do well so they can get a good job, etc. is still beyond them. And even as a teacher I expect too much sometimes.

Of course, if the child is always being rude and ungracious, then either his parents are slacking in their duties or he's defiant and needs to be punished.

[IndianInlaw]

As much as the little blighter deserves it, you can't take back a gift.  Once you give it, it becomes the property of the recipient.

[Lauren]

I would have no hesitations in taking a gift back from a child who was rude about it. In fact I did so. About two years ago I gave my ten year old cousin a book for her birthday. Her response was "Ewwwwwwwwwww, I don't want a book, mum asked you to get me a Bratz doll" Took the book straight off her and said until she learnt to take gifts better she couldn't expect any off of me. (I told her mum I didn't want to buy a Brazt doll as I feel they're part of the prostitit explosion)

Her mum backed me straight up (her mum did the same to me as a kid) and she ended up getting the present for Xmas. (I got a written apology as well as a verbal one at Xmas) I crossed out birthday and put Xmas in, but this year I took up a sticker to go over it, cause who wants to remember you're a brat when you're older?

t'mar its hard to read how your dad spoke to you, just from reading it, but IMO that was good parenting (if he yelled consider that opinion null and void) Everything I have seen about good parenting (from family members and this forum among others) is that you do correct the child if something is done wrong, and at the time. They won't remember it later. Excusing them (she's just shy) is IMO letting it slide. Even if you say it later to the person, you still tell the child to say hello. (let me make this clear, not to hug and kiss a person against the child's will, but to say helloo to them is polite and should be expected of a child)

[freakyfemme]

I have actually been the gift-giver in a scenario very like this.  I bought my niece (who was Barbie mad at the time) a Barbie motor-scooter.  I thought she'd love it so was excited to give it to her.  Instead she threw it to one side, folded her arms, and pouted (she was around 7 at the time - old enough to know better).  Someone asked her what was wrong, didn't she like the present?  She said, "I didn't say I didn't like it, it's just boring.  I wanted something exciting."

Did I want to take the gift back?  Yes.  Did I?  No.  I didn't want to make a big scene in front of the rest of the family and I thought it was her mother's responsibility to deal with this behaviour.  The mother said "Jennnnnny...that's not very nice" and that was the end of it.  I thought at the time, if ever I have a child that behaves that way, every single gift will be packed up and given to charity.  I am a Mum now so it might one day be put to the test but I hope not.

Oh, my niece is 12 now and is still rude and ungrateful.  She's also got the pre-teen "this is sooooo boring" thing going on pretty much all the time.

I'd stop going to this boy's birthday parties, if I were you.

Wow, that's awful, I would have *loved* a Barbie motor scooter when I was six or seven.....or a Power Wheels Jeep......but my mom wouldn't buy me either because she said they wouldn't properly develop my leg muscles.

[sammycat]

The mother said "Jennnnnny...that's not very nice" and that was the end of it.

That's just how the mother of this boy reacts to most of his naughty behaviour, although sometimes she wouldn't even add the part about it not being nice.  The mum is such a nice lady but has lost lots of friends over her kids' behaviour

[i]Oh, my niece is 12 now and is still rude and ungrateful.... i]

He's 10 now and still the same.

[i]I'd stop going to this boy's birthday parties, if I were you[/i
If this has happened with someone I didn't know well, or was just a one off thing, I'd probably have forgotten about it by the next day, but as it was just so on going it was the final straw for me. It was around this time that I started limiting our contact with this boy as I had. had. enough. It's now been about 2 1/2 years since I last saw him but have heard that he hasn't changed.

[sammycat]

While I'm not about to say that a child should be allowed to get away with that, it's a scientific fact that children don't think in the same way that adults do.

I agree totally with what you are saying, but in this case he was old enough to know better.  There were 12 or so regular kids in the playgroup and each one had had a party every year with the other playgroup kids right from their 1st birthday.  We also did Easter egg and Christmas present swaps.  Without exception, every other child from about their 2nd birthday onward knew how to behave when receiving a gift (actually, knew how to behave, full stop).  But this boy.... he was the exception to the rule as he had been allowed to get away with it.

[Amitisoo]

When I was seven my mother was hospitalized with a life-threatening illness over Christmas. I had bought some smelly bath stuff (little bath beads and salts) for my mother as a Christmas gift because she loved them. I asked my Aunt to taken them along with a homemade card and give them to my mom in the hospital. She refused saying that the present she bought for my mother (a watch) was much more practical and mine was useless. I said that yes she couldn't use them at the hospital but they were from ME and they were pretty and she could smell them. I would feel better if I could give her something.

Naturally this exchange upset me greatly (as well as having mom sick and being confused about it all). On Christmas morning my I opened my present from my Aunt and apparently made some rude remark. All of my presents were taken away from me (Grandma replaced a lot of them ) and I have never ever received a present from anyone is my extended family. To this day (15 years later) I am referred to as being rude, ungrateful, etc.

Kids are sometimes rude for any number of reasons. I don't think you should you encourage this type of behaviour or buy presents if you don't feel comfortable doing so but keep in mind kids do grow up and many of them develop mature grateful attitudes. I tend to buy books to children I'm unsure about giving a present too because they are cheap and useful and educational. Of course I tend to give books to everyone because I just love them. 

Some kids never grow up but some do...

[sammycat]

Amitisoo, your reaction to your aunt's gift was one of the few times I'd give someone a pass on that sort of behaviour. Considering her rude/dismissive attitude to you, your mother being ill, it generally being an uncertain time etc I think your family should have taken that into account, as I'm sure you were normally a well behaved child  .  And to never give you a present again - wow!  How is your relationship with them, the aunt in particular, now?  What did your mum say or do when she found out?

If (general) someone was always exhibiting rude, ungrateful behaviour towards presents then never giving them any ever again would be a good strategy, but if it was a one off then I'd probably skip the next gift giving time and rethink it from then on in.  But the birthday boy that I referred to in the OP had a history of being ungrateful for gifts (amongst other "charming" behaviour) and so far at the age of 10 (from what I've heard) he shows no sign of outgrowing it.  I haven't had any contact with him for over 2 years so the issue of presents has never come up.  In the very unlikely event we were invited to another party for him I'd decline, and not send a present.

[Amitisoo]

Amitisoo, your reaction to your aunt's gift was one of the few times I'd give someone a pass on that sort of behaviour. Considering her rude/dismissive attitude to you, your mother being ill, it generally being an uncertain time etc I think your family should have taken that into account, as I'm sure you were normally a well behaved child  .  And to never give you a present again - wow!  How is your relationship with them, the aunt in particular, now?  What did your mum say or do when she found out?

I came back to add that I had not told anyone about the exchange with my Aunt at the time so they had no way of knowing that I was seriously peeved at her. I had asked several family members about sending a gift and they had told me to give it to my Aunt. They probably assumed I had sent something.

I put up with my doormat mother and her family growing up but as an adult I was able to clearly explain to mother about several incidences I had as a child and as a result we have minimal contact with them. They aren't normally rude nasty people but because I look like my father's family not my mother's I am not *really* part of the their family.

But it's all in the past and irrelevant My point is to give a rude kid a second chance (not a hundredth). I too have stopped giving certain people gifts because they are ungrateful little...

[Lauren]

They aren't normally rude nasty people but because I look like my father's family not my mother's I am not *really* part of the their family.

I think our families are related. I look exactly like my mother's sister (so much so, that people who haven't seen her for a while will walk up to me if I'm with my grandparents and start chatting to me like I'm her. The first time my neighbours met her (when I was 12) they both gasped at the likeness) and am very obviously part of their family (with all my dad's manerisims of course) Until I was 10 I was refered to as Lauren Mothersmaidenname. My grandmother is a WITCH.

sammycat I do agree that kids need a second chance. My story (where I did take the present straight back) she got it the following Xmas and all has been forgiven. If she'd reacted the same way, than I would have considered stopping presents, but not for ONE time.

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

My point is to give a rude kid a second chance (not a hundredth). I too have stopped giving certain people gifts because they are ungrateful little...

This is what I was trying to get across in my post earlier. Kids respond to things differently from adults. Unless their rudeness it part of a pattern, a second chance is warranted.

[MrsP81]

My sister did this one Christmas (didn't say yuck but didn't say thankyou and was just generally rude). My mom thanked the giver very much for the gift but asked her to please return it as Megan wasn't ready to accept gifts. Of course my sister had a fit but she learned her lesson.