General Etiquette > Family and Children

Rude response to a present

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sammycat:
A few years ago my children and I were at the 6th (or 7th?) birthday party for a boy in our playgroup.  I've known this boy since he was a few months old and from the age of about 18 months he has been a little snot basically.  He'd do things like take the other children's toys when no adults were watching and then scream and carry one when the other child (quite rightly) took them back, always try to be the centre of attention, blame others for his wrong doings and basically just behave badly. This type of behaviour may be tolerable in a toddler but starts to wear thin in a 3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10 year old.  His mum is a lovely person but just didn't seem to be very good at setting boundaries and sticking to them.

Anyway, towards the end of this party he was sitting on a bar stool unwrapping the presents.  He opened some, never said thank you without prompting, and then came to a parcel that contained clothes.  He opened it up, took one look at them, got a horrible sneer on his face and said something along the lines of 'yuck' and just dropped them to the ground before starting on the next parcel.  I was disgusted, but really not surprised. Fortunately the gift giver (not a regular member of our playgroup) had already left so didn't witness this.  I have wondered since then though whether they would have been perfectly within their rights to take the present back, or whether that would have been seen as being just as rude as birthday boy?

FWIW:  If it had been my present I would have picked it up and taken it home, and if it had been my child acting that way I would have given all the presents back to the givers.  (Thankfully though they have never behaved like that).

WestAussieGirl:
I have actually been the gift-giver in a scenario very like this.  I bought my niece (who was Barbie mad at the time) a Barbie motor-scooter.  I thought she'd love it so was excited to give it to her.  Instead she threw it to one side, folded her arms, and pouted (she was around 7 at the time - old enough to know better).  Someone asked her what was wrong, didn't she like the present?  She said, "I didn't say I didn't like it, it's just boring.  I wanted something exciting."

Did I want to take the gift back?  Yes.  Did I?  No.  I didn't want to make a big scene in front of the rest of the family and I thought it was her mother's responsibility to deal with this behaviour.  The mother said "Jennnnnny...that's not very nice" and that was the end of it.  I thought at the time, if ever I have a child that behaves that way, every single gift will be packed up and given to charity.  I am a Mum now so it might one day be put to the test but I hope not.

Oh, my niece is 12 now and is still rude and ungrateful.  She's also got the pre-teen "this is sooooo boring" thing going on pretty much all the time.

I'd stop going to this boy's birthday parties, if I were you.

blue_bunny_paz:
How rude! If it had been my gift I don't think I would have taken it back but this would certainly not encourage me to make an effort in future. Since other parents saw this behaviour, they may too think twice.
However, if the present was literally left in the floor I think the giver would be within their rights to find a better home for it.

Sadly it might lead some people to spend far more time or money to avoid disapproval. This doesn't exactly encourage an obnoxious child to think about their actions and gift-giving shouldn't lead to worry that a present is inadequate.

It's a shame that the parent doesn't know how to set boundaries as it's very hard for someone else to do it for them and a snotty child grows into a snotty adult, providing many years of EH stories.

T'Mar of Vulcan:
While I'm not about to say that a child should be allowed to get away with that, it's a scientific fact that children don't think in the same way that adults do. Things that adults take as rude, ungrateful, selfish, etc. are often only because the child is reacting without thinking. If my child (I don't have any, unless you count the 240 annually  :D) did that, I would explain that to do that was rude, and that one should always be gracious when receiving gifts. Only if the child repeated that behaviour would I be more severe, and yes, I would take the gift away or give it to charity.

I remember being very young - four or five - and when the new minister at my parents' church came to introduce himself and say hello to me, I got terribly shy and turned away. My father gave me a dressing-down right there, telling me it was "rude to turn your back on someone", etc. I've never forgotten that, and I still think he overreacted. He could have just said to the minster, "She's a bit shy," and told me later not to do that. To this day I feel uncomfortable about that because at that age I truly didn't know better, and I'm sure the guy thought I was a rude brat (from how my father spoke to me) instead of just a shy little girl who didn't know what to do when meeting someone imposing. (I can remember this because I have a photographic memory, BTW - freaks people right out when I mention things they said in front of me 22 years ago!)

Children's way of thinking does become more sophisticated, but at the age of six or seven they still can't comprehend things the way an adult does. That's why, when I ask kids why they must do their homework (+- age 11) they usually answer in terms of, "So I don't get into trouble." Thinking further into the future, like they must do it in order to become literate and thus do well so they can get a good job, etc. is still beyond them. And even as a teacher I expect too much sometimes.

Of course, if the child is always being rude and ungracious, then either his parents are slacking in their duties or he's defiant and needs to be punished.

IndianInlaw:
As much as the little blighter deserves it, you can't take back a gift.  Once you give it, it becomes the property of the recipient.

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