Policing what members of a club do in their spare time?

[sisbam]

Would it seem as cliquey if the word "private" were used instead of the word "secret"?

"Private" does seem to have a more benign ring to it, doesn't it?

But "secret" is an official FB group setting.

There are a million ways to communicate with your friends without making a secret club out of it. Count me in with the people who find the "personality"'s choices in this matter unnecessarily clique-y.

I personally, find this to be a very efficient way for a group of people to communicate with each other. Its much easier to read conversations than by email as you don't get split conversations if 2 people reply at the same time.

I agree. FB groups are the new private chat rooms.

[audrey1962]

I belong to a number of professional associations. It's not unusual for the members to form their own private subgroups. For example, the X librarians formed their own private group. They all met each other through a major professional association, and decided on their own to meet privately to discuss issues that are relevant to them. I once asked who could join and was told that it was by invite only.

I am currently in the process of forming my own subgroup of a professional organization. We all work in the same region and believe that we have issues that are unique to us, so we're getting together over lunch to discuss. We aren't inviting the others members because we want to focus on our region. It just makes more sense as the professional association discusses issues in a general sense, but we want to get into specifics. It wouldn't be fair to derail the conversation into our specific issues, so we're going off on our own to do that.

[Skoffin]

I don't think it really matters whether it seems 'cliquey' or not, the leader over reacted and it just made her look ridiculous and insecure. Having a fit and booting out a large portion of your group, especially long established people, will do far more damage than some people hanging out together. Would she like to start a 'no outside friendships!' policy too?

They were people using unrelated means to keep in touch, the leader had absolutely no business getting involved.

[sisbam]

Listen, in my opinion, it doesn't matter whether or not you think it is right or wrong....the point is that the leader has no business trying to regulate it whatsoever! And the fact that the senses is punishing members is so far out of line....it is beyond bonkers.

I think we can all agree on that.

[TychaBrahe]

Listen, in my opinion, it doesn't matter whether or not you think it is right or wrong....the point is that the leader has no business trying to regulate it whatsoever! And the fact that the senses is punishing members is so far out of line....it is beyond bonkers.

You know, I'm so glad I don't belong to any groups like that. 

One of the things I love about EHell is the interest group and location-specific areas.  I really like that I can discuss common interests with people from all over the world whom I already know are sort of pre-vetted to be nice.  Last summer vTenebrae had a baby.  She and I have become particular friends through EHell, and I made her a blanket based on a pattern that T'Mar of Vulcan had shared with me.   

I know Scritzy on Facebook, and while I don't think we are humongous, humongous friends, we are friendly, more than acquaintances.  I've seen her post a lot about her crafting.  She quilts, and it's been something I'd like to try for a long time, but I've hesitated to get involved with it because it's such a commitment, and what if I started and got stuck and couldn't finish it?  Lately I've been thinking that if I did run in to problems I could seek her out for help, and it's made me feel a bit more confident about trying something small. 

I missed the Chicago-area meetup last spring, but based on the people who expressed an interest in getting together I was able to include some of them in some get-togethers later in the summer.  I've made four really good friends that way. 

I'd hate if it were a policy here that members with interests outside of etiquette couldn't meet outside of Ehell to share those interests.  I would be missing so much.

[MariaE]

I think we're missing a huge part of the story - why did the sensei seek out the secret group? How had she even heard about it in the first place? And what did she discover about it to cause such a reaction?

From the OP it definitely sounds like a huge overreaction, and that the sensei is interfering where she has no business being, but I'm just wondering what caused the overreaction, specifically because it seems to be so far across the line as to make the line a dot.

[TychaBrahe]

I'm guessing that the revealing of the group was accidental.  I'm sure we all agree that ideally the group should have stayed completely unknown to others.

Group meets at bar.  Other student sees group meeting at bar and gets po'd and hurt that they weren't invited.

I think this is a bit like the rule about not discussing social engagements in public lest someone not invited feel all upset that they weren't invited to the party.  Grown ups should be able to deal with the fact that they aren't going to be friends with everyone, that some people are closer than others, that they don't get invited to every party.  You're getting married and I'm not invited?  Seriously, feel free to discuss the party around me.  I honestly hope you're going to have a wonderful party and that it's the start of a long and happy marriage. 

[Bibliophile]

I think this is a bit like the rule about not discussing social engagements in public lest someone not invited feel all upset that they weren't invited to the party.  Grown ups should be able to deal with the fact that they aren't going to be friends with everyone, that some people are closer than others, that they don't get invited to every party.  You're getting married and I'm not invited?  Seriously, feel free to discuss the party around me.  I honestly hope you're going to have a wonderful party and that it's the start of a long and happy marriage.

I think this is my view as well.  Not everyone is required to like and spend time with everyone else.  That's not a clique, that's life.  It doesn't sound like the group is doing anything to actively annoy the sensei - other than existing... 

[LadyClaire]

I'm guessing that the revealing of the group was accidental.  I'm sure we all agree that ideally the group should have stayed completely unknown to others.

Group meets at bar.  Other student sees group meeting at bar and gets po'd and hurt that they weren't invited.

Yep. I remember something similar happening, sort of. It was more of a shopping trip after work with me and a co-worker I was friends with. We ran into another co-worker at the store, and she was very hurt that we'd go shopping and not invite her. It wasn't that we were exluding her on purpose. It's that we had become friends due to a lot of common interests, and the other co-worker didn't really have much in common with us, so we'd never really been on "let's all go hang out" terms with each other.

[Visiting Crazy Town]

 I really think that your Sensi is overreacting .  I belong a private facebook group for my family that we use to share information and have  discussions that involve our family it is not open to the general public and it is not even open to all of our family members  and it does allow us to plan out family events such as our family Reunion without a lot of back and forth phone calls  or emails to each other we just all participate in the discussion and it has helped us to plan a lot of stuff better because nothing is lost in the passing of information

[PeasNCues]

I dont think that anyone is obligated to be friends with everyone from a large group. That's just silly; not everyone is going to get on and those that do should feel free to develop those friendships.

And the word "secret" is an official FB setting - there's nothing sinister about it. Could be that some members of the subgroup are casual members with members of the larger group. You just don't have the same conversations with close friends that you would in front of casual friends and anyone else that was your FB friend. The secret setting allows for free conversation amongst the friends without worry about what your friends outside this particular group would think.

The sensei is overreacting in a very controlling, nosy way. I'm glad I'm not part of a group that does this type of things. Imagine banning outside conversation! Karate isn't a court of law, it's a social group!

[Nanny Ogg]

I think we're missing a huge part of the story - why did the sensei seek out the secret group? How had she even heard about it in the first place? And what did she discover about it to cause such a reaction?

From the OP it definitely sounds like a huge overreaction, and that the sensei is interfering where she has no business being, but I'm just wondering what caused the overreaction, specifically because it seems to be so far across the line as to make the line a dot.

Sorry- should have mentioned. One of the ladies from the club left her phone in the dojo after class. The Sensei took it home with her in order to return it to the group member. Its an iPhone, and messages that xyz had replied to her post were popping up. The Sensei tried a couple of pins (note to iPhone owners 2512 is not as secure as you all seem to think!) and got on the group.

Oh, and the group is not that "secret" in a nasty way- it's just how it is set on Facebook. The other rule they have is not to talk about it in front of other people.

[still in va]

I think we're missing a huge part of the story - why did the sensei seek out the secret group? How had she even heard about it in the first place? And what did she discover about it to cause such a reaction?

From the OP it definitely sounds like a huge overreaction, and that the sensei is interfering where she has no business being, but I'm just wondering what caused the overreaction, specifically because it seems to be so far across the line as to make the line a dot.

Sorry- should have mentioned. One of the ladies from the club left her phone in the dojo after class. The Sensei took it home with her in order to return it to the group member. Its an iPhone, and messages that xyz had replied to her post were popping up. The Sensei tried a couple of pins (note to iPhone owners 2512 is not as secure as you all seem to think!) and got on the group.

Oh, and the group is not that "secret" in a nasty way- it's just how it is set on Facebook. The other rule they have is not to talk about it in front of other people.

yeah, that's pretty controlling.  if she was worried about a new group breaking off from HER group, she just pretty much made sure that would happen.  to go to such lengths to discover the pin and read the messages?  if i was part of the larger group and not even a member of the smaller group, i'd be running away quick, fast, and in a hurry.

[FoxPaws]

Ooookaaaaayyy! The mere fact that someone had tried to hack my password (let alone succeeded) would be reason enough for me to boot them out of my life and let everyone know why.

[tnpenguinbaby]

Group meets at bar.  Other student sees group meeting at bar and gets po'd and hurt that they weren't invited.

I think this is a bit like the rule about not discussing social engagements in public lest someone not invited feel all upset that they weren't invited to the party.  Grown ups should be able to deal with the fact that they aren't going to be friends with everyone, that some people are closer than others, that they don't get invited to every party.  You're getting married and I'm not invited?  Seriously, feel free to discuss the party around me.  I honestly hope you're going to have a wonderful party and that it's the start of a long and happy marriage.

There's always that one person in every group~ the one that can't bear to not be the center of attention and everyone's favorite person.  S/he probably got their little feelings hurt and they went whining to *Daddy* (sensei) "they don't like me and won't let me play with them!".  Sensei, rather than sensibly suggesting they put on their big girl/boy pants and deal with it, decided to go all Daddy Bear on the members. 

The problem is, that is *no* way to run a social group.  Adults have the freedom to associate with whomever they want.  I can totally see if the smaller group was setting up a rival dojo that would be an issue *when/if it actually happens*.  Then it would be appropriate to no longer allow them to attend his dojo.  But to throw them out because of an unsubstantiated rumor that some of them are *gasp* friends outside of class?  That's pitiful.