Should I throw my DH a surprise birthday party?

[42_42_42]

My DH will be turning 30 in a couple of weeks. I really wanted to throw him a big party (catered at a rented hall, etc), but he said he doesn't want a big shin-dig because 1) he doesn't feel it's really a big deal that he's turning 30 and 2) he doesn't want to spend the money (we're trying to pay off a 2nd mortgage and save up money so we can start a family in a couple of years--we want me to be a stay-at-home-mom).

Now, I understand his reasons, but I still would like to celebrate his birthday in a special way. Birthdays in our group of friends tend to be cook-outs at the birthday person's home or we all go out to dinner at a favorite restaurant (everyone picks up his/her own tab).

I was thinking of getting together with my MIL and planning a surprise party for him. Nothing big - just our group of friends and DH's parents, sister, and niece. Basically, the normal kind of thing we do, just a "surprise" to make it a little more special, since he is turning 30.

Does this sound like a good idea?

[Veronica]

No, it sounds like he wouldn't want it.  Some people just don't like it when a big deal is made out of their birthday (I'm thinking of my DH).  He'd be so upset if I threw him a surprise party. 

[JENDUB]

I think as long as you go along with the things that he has already stated, it is fine.

i.e. "not a big deal" invite close friends and family, no extended family members or people that woudl not attend a regular old birthday party.

"too much money" do it simple, don't spend too much, having yoru MIL help might be a good idea.

[cicero]

frankly, no. it doesn't sound like a good idea. you have debt  you are trying to get rid of, and you are trying to save up for your future family. besides - he doesn't even want it. I guess if the money wasn't a big issue, I would say go for it. but if you don't really have the money AND he doesn't want it - then don't.

there are other things you can do that will celebrate his b-day and not cause problems - you can have a surprise party at your house ( you don't have to have it catered - you can make it simple enough so it won't cost an arm and a leg - us e-hellions will help with ideas!). you can have a casual get together in a park/beach. you can have a fun bbq. or just go out the two of you for a romantic evening.

[Ondine]

I would not throw him a surprise party, as he has already stated he doesn't want one and he's worried about the money spent on the party. You could always make him a cake to share between the two of you and get a nice card, but I would leave it at that.

[Harriet Jones]

I'm not a fan of surprise parties, so I say no to that part 

I think a 'normal' party might be OK, *if* it's not a huge deal *and* you can do it without spending a lot of money.

[42_42_42]

Um, I think my OP wasn't clear...he doesn't want a BIG party, but he's fine with doing our "normal" thing -- cookout or going out to dinner. The only change I'm thinking of is to make it a surprise. And getting together with my MIL to do it will actually save us quite a bit, as she always insists on hosting and paying for a big chunk of stuff when she's involved (not the reason I'm thinking of getting together with her on it).

Oh, and our 2nd mortgage is for less than the new Camry we bought last fall--we did the 2 mortgage thing when we bought our house so we wouldn't have to pay mortgage insurance as we didn't quite have 20% in cash to put down. So we're not majorly in debt, just trying to plan ahead. He wants to do something for his birthday; he just doesn't want to spend $500.

[Nannerdoman]

You could always make him a cake to share between the two of you and get a nice card, but I would leave it at that.

Make the cake (his favorite).  Park any kids you may have with Grandma.  Turn down the lights, fix his favorite meal, and say, "Surprise, Honey--this is your birthday party."  Make it whatever kind of date night you two enjoy most.  That way you're happy because you're doing something special for his birthday.  He's happy because you're not breaking the bank.  And you're also telling him you find him desirable, and I don't care what he may say--someone facing a milestone birthday will want to hear that.

[ZipTheWonder]

Does he like surprises?

[oogyda]

So, this isn't really about DH.  It's about what YOU want, right?

I'll throw the BS flag about how you're not including MIL just so she'll pay for it.  After all, she will relieve your financial burden. 

[jimithing]

I think that this is iffy.  If you are planning on doing your normal thing, but just not telling him that everyone else will be there I think that it's OK.  IF he likes surprises and won't mind being the center of attention in way that is different than a normal birthday party.   I think that the important thing is to honor his wishes.

DH loves to give presents.  I do not care about getting a gift from him because if there is something I want, I will buy it myself!    Every birthday or holiday he always asks what I want.  I am very simple.  I want to go out for a nice, expensive dinner, and have him write me a nice love letter.  I say this every single time.  He is not good at expressing himself on paper, so this is difficult to get him to do.  For my birthday this year I gave him a list of restaurants and told him to surprise me.  They were all quite pricey so I really did not want him to get me a gift.  Well, surprise, he bought me a gift card that had quite a bit of money on it.  I understand that it came from a really sweet genuine place, but because he spent so much on the card, we didn't end up going to dinner.  (I do the finances so I was uncomfortable spending more money.)  I didn't tell him this, but I was really disappointed. 

I agree with what the other posters said about making sure that his wishes are honored in this situation.  If he has told you not to spend more money on this, don't do it.  It will cause resentment.

[RegionMom]

When my DH turned 30, I had a chance to get hom back for what he did when I turned 30 a few mos prior. 
He gave me Depends undergarments, grey hair dye, and denture creme.

I had him go out with a guy friend to see a movie.  Friend was to suggest dinner out at a nearby restaurant.  The call was to alert me that they were on the way.

Meanwhile, we had a back room in said restaurant draped in black crepe paper, and I had done a cake into looking like a Viagra pill (the pharmacist showed me one.)
We had M&M's in paper pill cups. 

Gifts were old man stuff--gaudy Hawaiian shirt, repeats of what he gave me, and a few regular gifts. 

He was totally surprised and we all had a blast. 

Total cost was prolly less than a kids' b-day because we did not have goody bags to send home. 

So, you could copy my idea.  I could even send some gag gifts!   

[42_42_42]

So, this isn't really about DH.  It's about what YOU want, right?

I'll throw the BS flag about how you're not including MIL just so she'll pay for it.  After all, she will relieve your financial burden. 

Um. No. We talked about the big party and when he said he didn't want that, I said ok, what do you want and he said just a cook-out with the gang and parents or we all go to a restaurant and I bake an awesome cake as per usual. So we are doing that. I just thought the surprise thing would be fun. For him and for everyone else, too.

And I am NOT including my MIL b/c of the money. We can completely afford it on our own and would gladly pay for it on our own but if she is invited to anything she always insists on paying for it. It's just how she is. I'm including her because after years of experience with her I know she'll be hurt if I try not to include her and that it's pointless to try and not include her as she will dive in anyway. It's just easier to have her involved from the get-go than to have her jump in in the middle and change everything anyway.

[straightnochaser]

He's already given you his reasons for not wanting a party.  To give him a "surprise" party could backfire on you.  Why push this?

Respect his non-desire for a party and celebrate in a more intimate way.

[jordan]

IMHO, your debt has nothing to do with it. Neither does your MIL.  (FWIW, I have no reason not to believe you.)

If you thought he really wanted a surprise party, there would be ways to do it for minimum cost, with or without MIL. 

But he doesn't seem to want one, right?

You need to respect his wishes. My DH broke up with an earlier girlfriend over this. He said he didn't want a surprise party. She threw one. He broke up with her the next day.

Harsh, but it certainly drove home the message for me. (And yes, I know your situation isn't that black and white.)