Should I throw my DH a surprise birthday party?

[Veronica]

I'll throw the BS flag about how you're not including MIL just so she'll pay for it.  After all, she will relieve your financial burden. 

Oogyda-where on earth are you getting that from?

[twinkletoes]

You're deep in debt, and your husband doesn't want a surprise party - so, no, don't do it. 

As someone else pointed out:  If he wanted a surprise party and money was the issue, you could do a nice party fairly cheaply.  If he didn't want a surprise party and money came freely, then take him out to a nice restaurant or whatever.

[twinkletoes]

One more thought:  My husband and I are trying to pay down our mortgage as quickly as possible.  We are both in agreement regarding what any "big" purchases might be. 

If one of us decided "oh, heck, we're doing fine - I'll buy a (insert something rather expensive here)," I guarantee we won't have any fun with the new big-screen tv/fancy electronic gadget/party/whatever.  We will be thinking "that money could have been spent on paying off our house!"  That could very well might go through your husband's mind if you have a surprise party - and it's really no fun if the guest of honor isn't thinking "wow, this is great," but is instead thinking "gee, we could have used the cash to pay off the mortgage."

[SeattleSuz]

As long as you don't go overboard and spend too much, I don't see the problem with it.  I did a surprise party for my DH's 29th and he loved it.  We also had a huge party for his 30th and he loved that too.

You might be surprised.  Men sometimes say that they don't want something, when really they do.

[jaxsue]

>>As long as you don't go overboard and spend too much, I don't see the problem with it.  I did a surprise party for my DH's 29th and he loved it.  We also had a huge party for his 30th and he loved that too.

You might be surprised.  Men sometimes say that they don't want something, when really they do.<<

That's always a risk. In your case it turned out fine. In the OP's case it might backfire...and badly.

[Cellardoor14]

When my husband turned 30 last year I really wanted to have a big party to celebrate the milestone for him.

Since he was born near Halloween, I thought we could have this cool spooky theme dinner party for him with decorations, special food, costumes, goodie bags... etc etc.

He'd have a brilliant birthday to remember.

Except he didn't want a party.

I realized I was the one who actually wanted a celebration, so I threw a halloween tea party for all my mom and baby friends instead.

It's your DH's birthday and you should only throw him a surprise party if you think it would be something he would like.  If he has already vetoed the idea, then really you can't have a party and say you are doing it for him.

Also IME, my SIL was dead set to throw me a surprise baby shower. 

I told her repeatedly I didn't want a party.

She had the shower anyway.  It was a horrible experience for pretty much everyone.

And I'm still peeved and embarrassed about two years later. 

[jordan]

You might be surprised.  Men sometimes say that they don't want something, when really they do.[/color]

Whoa. That's a mighty dangerous path. No means no. If he's being coy, that's his loss. But to assume that a "no, I don't want that" means "Yes, I want it" is disrespectful.

Even if that works in your marriage and it's NOT disrespectful, it's exceedingly bad advice to give someone when you don't know the marital dynamics.


ah. Cellardoor posted while I was posting. Exactly.

[SeattleSuz]

You might be surprised.  Men sometimes say that they don't want something, when really they do.[/color]

Whoa. That's a mighty dangerous path. No means no. If he's being coy, that's his loss. But to assume that a "no, I don't want that" means "Yes, I want it" is disrespectful.

Even if that works in your marriage and it's NOT disrespectful, it's exceedingly bad advice to give someone when you don't know the marital dynamics.

ah. Cellardoor posted while I was posting. Exactly.

Sorry, was just offering my thoughts on the topic.  Didn't know I was going to offend people with my thoughts and ideas.  And yes, men can be coy, just like women can be.

[twinkletoes]

I agree with Jordan yet again today! 

I think it's incredibly bad news to say "'No' might mean 'yes,' so do whatever you planned, anyway.'"  I know people who don't want a shower or party in their honor, and, like Cellardoor, they had a party thrown in their honor, anyway.  Those people told the relentless hostess "it was great, thanks," because what else DO you say?  "Gee, thanks for not listening to me and doing whatever the hell you wanted - glad my opinion for a party for ME means nothing to you."

I'm flabbergasted regarding the people who say to go ahead with the party, even though the guest of honor is vocal in not wanting one.  And I daresay that if the situation were reversed, it would be "I told my husband not to throw a party for me, but HE DID ANYWAY."  And then everyone would be telling the OP that their husband is a controlling, manipulative jerk. 

[Harriet Jones]

I'm flabbergasted regarding the people who say to go ahead with the party, even though the guest of honor is vocal in not wanting one.  And I daresay that if the situation were reversed, it would be "I told my husband not to throw a party for me, but HE DID ANYWAY."  And then everyone would be telling the OP that their husband is a controlling, manipulative jerk. 

I thought I read in the OP that her husband was OK with a 'normal' party, just not a big expensive blowout.

[twinkletoes]

The fact is, she wants to plan something that he doesn't want - be it a surprise party, a huge blowout, or whatever.  She wants to plan something that will make him uncomfortable, for whatever reason.

[caranfin]

So, this isn't really about DH.  It's about what YOU want, right?

I'll throw the BS flag about how you're not including MIL just so she'll pay for it.  After all, she will relieve your financial burden. 

Um. No. We talked about the big party and when he said he didn't want that, I said ok, what do you want and he said just a cook-out with the gang and parents or we all go to a restaurant and I bake an awesome cake as per usual. So we are doing that. I just thought the surprise thing would be fun. For him and for everyone else, too.

I don't understand. He's already told you what kind of celebration he wants, and you're going to try to surprise him with it? Even though he already believes you're planning it for him? What part is a surprise?

[TaylorMade]

So, this isn't really about DH.  It's about what YOU want, right?

I'll throw the BS flag about how you're not including MIL just so she'll pay for it.  After all, she will relieve your financial burden. 

Um. No. We talked about the big party and when he said he didn't want that, I said ok, what do you want and he said just a cook-out with the gang and parents or we all go to a restaurant and I bake an awesome cake as per usual. So we are doing that. I just thought the surprise thing would be fun. For him and for everyone else, too.

And I am NOT including my MIL b/c of the money. We can completely afford it on our own and would gladly pay for it on our own but if she is invited to anything she always insists on paying for it. It's just how she is. I'm including her because after years of experience with her I know she'll be hurt if I try not to include her and that it's pointless to try and not include her as she will dive in anyway. It's just easier to have her involved from the get-go than to have her jump in in the middle and change everything anyway.

I have to admit it doesn't sound like everyone has read both of your posts.

Your husband is fine with doing the normal thing you guys normally do for everyone elses Bday's (BBQ or Restaurant)  He just doesn't want to go the rented hall, catered affair path due to your finances.

Now since you have already talked to him about this and he agrees with the 'norm' he is going to expect something is being planned so you will have to tell him something!

Okay great!  Tell him that you guys are going to a restaurant like you normally do, but instead have a BBQ at a friends house with all the fun "30" ballons and great cake.   Have everyone there and when you get into your car to go to the restaurant have a plan that "Jane's" car is in the shop and she asked if you guys would drive her to the restaurant.  So you go to pick up "Jane", but instead that is where the surprise party is.

Simple, fun, within the norm that you normally do

Have fun and tell your husband Happy Birthday

[jimithing]

OP, I don't see a post that answers the main question posed by the other posters.  Would your DH be OK with a surprise party?  Does he like them in general or not?  Has he ever said anything to you recently or in the past that would indicate he would never want one or that he thinks they're kind of fun? 

I think that the bottom line is if DH is fine with a small party anyway, and he would be pleasantly surprised, then go for it.  If you don't know for sure, then I wouldn't risk it.

I am the OP on the thread about a surprise party on the Entertaining board.  I know for a fact that my friend loves surprise parties and thinks that they are so much fun, so this isn't a concern of mine.  If I had any questions though, I would give it a second thought and try to get a difinitive answer about it by talking to her BF or family members.

[jordan]

You might be surprised.  Men sometimes say that they don't want something, when really they do.[/color]

Whoa. That's a mighty dangerous path. No means no. If he's being coy, that's his loss. But to assume that a "no, I don't want that" means "Yes, I want it" is disrespectful.

Even if that works in your marriage and it's NOT disrespectful, it's exceedingly bad advice to give someone when you don't know the marital dynamics.

ah. Cellardoor posted while I was posting. Exactly.

Sorry, was just offering my thoughts on the topic.  Didn't know I was going to offend people with my thoughts and ideas.  And yes, men can be coy, just like women can be.

I wasn't offended by your thoughts and ideas. I just think you are wrong. There's a big difference there.



Twinkletoes -

LOL. I'm sure we'll disagree on something soon!


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some of the subtleties seem to be lost in here.

I don't think anyone has raised an objection to the "normal" party. It's going above and beyond with the surprise element, perhaps over DH's objections, that is raising so many concerns.

(that said, no way, no how should oogyda flamed the OP with her "BS" card!)