Should I throw my DH a surprise birthday party?

[just me]

Well, I sent out an email to his friends who have all known him since High School and they all think it's a great idea, something that he'd really get a kick out of. The plan is for they guys to get together and go to the range (they like to get together from time to time at the rifle range and shoot their various guns). While they're doing that, I'll be over at his parents' home getting ready for a cook-out. On the way back from the range they'll need to swing by his parents' home for "something" and hey! what do ya know "Happy Birthday!". We're just gonna have hot dogs and burgers and chips and birthday cake. And yes, this does fit within our budget and with his desires for a small birthday celebration.

[bibbety]

Honestly, I've never read a thread where so many posters either haven't read the OP's posts or haven't taken in what the OP posted.

She has clearly stated that he is fine with a party, either a celebration with his parents and a cookout or going out to a restaurant. He just doesn't want a HUGE expensive party.

The only question I see is whether or not to surprise him. I say - why not? And to the OP, have fun. Ignore all the posters here who are impugning your motives.

[kareng57]

As long as you don't go overboard and spend too much, I don't see the problem with it.  I did a surprise party for my DH's 29th and he loved it.  We also had a huge party for his 30th and he loved that too.

You might be surprised.  Men sometimes say that they don't want something, when really they do.

I really, really disagree with this.  I personally am uncomfortable with surprises and big fusses made for an occasion for me.  If I were to say to someone "thank you for your good wishes, but I'd really rather not have a party" - I'm not being coy.  I really mean it, and I'd feel kind of annoyed if they went ahead and did it anyway.  While I probably wouldn't express those feelings, I'd still have them.  To a large extent, etiquette has to do with respecting the other person's wishes.

[kareng57]

Honestly, I've never read a thread where so many posters either haven't read the OP's posts or haven't taken in what the OP posted.

She has clearly stated that he is fine with a party, either a celebration with his parents and a cookout or going out to a restaurant. He just doesn't want a HUGE expensive party.

The only question I see is whether or not to surprise him. I say - why not? And to the OP, have fun. Ignore all the posters here who are impugning your motives.

Excuse me, but do you really think, on an etiquette board, it's appropriate to advise a poster to ignore the advice of others?

Yes, I do believe we've all read the OP's messages.  Believe it or not, some people really do *not* like suprises.  If he's saying that he's fine with the usual informal (planned) gathering, I see no reason to try to embellish the occasion.

[ZipTheWonder]

Apparently, she knows he likes surprises and knows the type of party he likes, and she is planning exactly that type of surprise party.  The only thing puzzling here is why she needed any input about whether to give him the very party he would want.   

[jordan]

Honestly, I've never read a thread where so many posters either haven't read the OP's posts or haven't taken in what the OP posted.

Please don't make up stuff about other posters.  I think most of us have read the post and are offering differing opinions.

The only question I see is whether or not to surprise him. I say - why not?

As many of us have already noted, the "why not" would be if he doesn't want a surprise party.

Now, in subsequent posts, it seems that he's cool with the surprise. So I agree with ZipTheWonder on this one.  Not sure why we were asked.

[just me]

I guess I shouldn't have posted this...sorry. 

[kareng57]

Honestly, I've never read a thread where so many posters either haven't read the OP's posts or haven't taken in what the OP posted.

She has clearly stated that he is fine with a party, either a celebration with his parents and a cookout or going out to a restaurant. He just doesn't want a HUGE expensive party.

The only question I see is whether or not to surprise him. I say - why not? And to the OP, have fun. Ignore all the posters here who are impugning your motives.

Excuse me, but do you really think, on an etiquette board, it's appropriate to advise a poster to ignore the advice of others?

Yes, I do believe we've all read the OP's messages.  Believe it or not, some people really do *not* like suprises.  If he's saying that he's fine with the usual informal (planned) gathering, I see no reason to try to embellish the occasion.

Actually, bibbety was right on the money. The reason I asked was really to find out what people's opinions were on surprise parties in and of themselves. I didn't realize everyone would get so distracted by other things and completely misread my posts! We're not drowning in debt. In fact, we live on what my DH makes, my income is "gravy" -- we're just trying to be in an even better financial position when we start a family. And he never said he didn't want any kind of party at all, just not a big shindig (rented hall, catering, 50 guests...).

Fair enough, but the way you posted it was confusing - inititially, you'd wanted a very large party, he said that he didn't think it was money well spent, so you scaled it back.  But if you'd already agreed to keep it small, I wonder why you posted that part?  It does seem to imply that you'd still like to have a larger gathering.  Not everyone wants big celebrations for "milestone" birthdays such as 30th, 40th etc.

[jimithing]

Honestly, I've never read a thread where so many posters either haven't read the OP's posts or haven't taken in what the OP posted.

She has clearly stated that he is fine with a party, either a celebration with his parents and a cookout or going out to a restaurant. He just doesn't want a HUGE expensive party.

The only question I see is whether or not to surprise him. I say - why not? And to the OP, have fun. Ignore all the posters here who are impugning your motives.

Excuse me, but do you really think, on an etiquette board, it's appropriate to advise a poster to ignore the advice of others?

Yes, I do believe we've all read the OP's messages.  Believe it or not, some people really do *not* like suprises.  If he's saying that he's fine with the usual informal (planned) gathering, I see no reason to try to embellish the occasion.

Actually, bibbety was right on the money. The reason I asked was really to find out what people's opinions were on surprise parties in and of themselves. I didn't realize everyone would get so distracted by other things and completely misread my posts! We're not drowning in debt. In fact, we live on what my DH makes, my income is "gravy" -- we're just trying to be in an even better financial position when we start a family. And he never said he didn't want any kind of party at all, just not a big shindig (rented hall, catering, 50 guests...).

Believe me when I say this, but when you put a post on this board, you open yourself to all sorts of questioning and clarifications, especially if you don't say everything to begin with, and especially if you are actually committing an etiquette error or faux pas.  I've posted something many times and then the post completely gets derailed from my original intention or question.  I've just learned that is what to expect when I post on this board.

I think that the problem you ran into was that you didn't make it clear in your OP that you were looking for opinions on surprise parties in general.  You posted about specifically about your DH, whom we don't know, and then proceeded to make comments that made it sound like he wouldn't be all that thrilled with this idea, both the money aspect and the party aspect. The comments were based upon lack of information.

[kareng57]

I guess I shouldn't have posted this...sorry. 

Well - if you're so positive that he'd love a surprise-party, then it's indeed kind of puzzling as to why you posted - what was your question?  Not trying to be snarky, just wondering.

[just me]

I ended up asking his friends to make sure he would be ok w/ a surprise party, which I wasn't 100% positive on, which is what I should have done in the first place. So I guess I get a ticket to e-hell for asking strangers something I should've asked friends! **hangs head in shame, tucks tail and runs**

[Ondine]

Don't be ashamed - you asked an honest question, and wanted answers. I think what threw me for a loop was that in the first post you had stated that he didn't want a surprise party, which I indicated to mean 'no party' and then finally got what you meant near the end of this post. .

He wants a party.... just not one where it's going to be a surprise. I hate surprises myself, and would rather not have a surprise party. That's fine. I think it was more of a clarification issue with me more than anything.

I say go ahead and have fun. And you did the right thing - you asked people who were closer to him than we are.... I'm just saying what I would have done in general.

[lovinAZ]

he doesn't feel it's really a big deal that he's turning 30

Now, I understand his reasons, but I still would like to celebrate his birthday in a special way.

just a "surprise" to make it a little more special, since he is turning 30.

You're the one who wants to make it more special, since you're the one who thinks it's a big deal that he's turning 30.  No surprise.  A BBQ?  Sure, since that's in the realm of what he said was OK, but I wouldn't do anything different for this one than you would if he was turning 32.  He doesn't want it.  He said he doesn't want it.  In the second quote above, you stated clearly that you understand what he's saying and want to do something else anyway.  How 'bout giving him what he wants for his birthday?

[jimithing]

he doesn't feel it's really a big deal that he's turning 30

Now, I understand his reasons, but I still would like to celebrate his birthday in a special way.

just a "surprise" to make it a little more special, since he is turning 30.

You're the one who wants to make it more special, since you're the one who thinks it's a big deal that he's turning 30.  No surprise.  A BBQ?  Sure, since that's in the realm of what he said was OK, but I wouldn't do anything different for this one than you would if he was turning 32.  He doesn't want it.  He said he doesn't want it.  In the second quote above, you stated clearly that you understand what he's saying and want to do something else anyway.  How 'bout giving him what he wants for his birthday?

I completely agree with this, but according to the OP, she has since spoken with friends and family members who said that he would love this and appreciate it.  I guess we're at the point with this post that the OP is going to do what she wants to do, and only she really knows exactly what her DH wants and doesn't.  If he doesn't want this and she does this anyway, then it will be an unfortunate lesson to learn, I guess.

[lovinAZ]

I completely agree with this, but according to the OP, she has since spoken with friends and family members who said that he would love this and appreciate it. 

man, if i told my husband i didn't want something, and then other people told him they thought i'd like it, and he went ahead and did it even though i explicitly told him i didn't want it, i'd be angry.

i'd take the advice of others if i didn't know the guy's opinion, but he has stated it!!!  there is no ambiguity!  why create it?