Online da[color=black]ting[/color] Question

[alohomora]

I recently joined an online dating site and I'm a little unsure of the etiquette and/or accepted practices of communicating with people I meet through the site.

When first emailing people, are there any topics that are generally considered bad form to ask about?  I know not to start out with a question about the guy's religious beliefs or ask him who he voted for in the last election   .  But is there a sort of understood rule that you don't, for example, ask about past relationships until you've been communicating for a few weeks or anything like that?

Also, there is one guy that I have been emailing with for a couple of weeks now.  It seemed as if things were going well and we have had nice email conversations (no phone calls yet).  We were pretty much emailing each other every day.  However, he hasn't replied to my last email for several days now. 

I don't want to seem like a stalker and keep emailing him if he's not interested, but I don't want to risk missing out on a possible good match because I'm too chicken to follow up to see if he's just been busy or something.

I want to send him a quick email along the lines of "Hi, I hope things are going well.  I've missed hearing from you and wanted to touch base to see how things are going.  Hope to hear from you soon, Catlady."  Does that sound OK?  Do you all have any other suggestions??

Also, do you all have any general e-dating advice or stories?

[jimithing]

I met DH on an online dating service for people of my same religion.  The whole online thing is very surreal, and I have found that because it is generally anonymous for the first little while, online relationships tend to move at warp speed compared to regular relationships.  It was not uncommon to get asked very personal questions during the second or third e-mail, and depending on the questions and scenario, I was OK with it. 

The thing about online dating is that people generally want to know if you are going to be compatible and have similar values and beliefs before actually meeting them, so they don't feel like their time is being wasted. 

The first time I went out with a guy in person, it was a disaster!  Online, you can be whomever you want to be and come across completely different in person.  We had a lot in common online and he was very assertive, but in person, I felt like I was his mother! It was painfully obvious that he had very little dating experience and very little experience with women, in general.  I never spoke with him again after that.
Fortunately, my DH was the third guy I went out with and things worked out great!

One thing I will mention, I don't know what website you are on, but the one I was on had an instant messaging feature.  Stay away from this unless it's someone you know!  This is where all the creepy guys would hit up all the girls to try to meet and hookup.  It was creepy! 

[madmichelle]

I used an online matchmaking service twice before I met my fiance. I think the online dating etiquette is still in flux, but common sense can get you through.

I did have one big "do not" story, though. Do not look up a person and try to contact them on other internet sites before they have specifically indicated that you have permission to do so. One guy that I met on Match.com found my profile on both blogger and my photo managing service after I'd already indicated that I wasn't interested in him.  I have to guess that he was pretty internet savvy because I didn't use the same screen names or give any identifying information between the three accounts. The whole thing struck me as doubly creepy. Even if I had been interested, finding out someone had internet stalked me would give me the willies. Sure, we google, but just don't bring it up.

As for a follow up letter after a period of silence, I think that's perfectly acceptable. Your letter was very polite and low pressure. When you're primarily in e-mail contact, sometimes you don't know whether you are deliberately being dropped or if there's really a good reason they aren't getting in touch with you. One follow up is good and then let it drop if you don't hear anything.

Good luck!

[snowball's chance]

As for a follow up letter after a period of silence, I think that's perfectly acceptable. Your letter was very polite and low pressure. When you're primarily in e-mail contact, sometimes you don't know whether you are deliberately being dropped or if there's really a good reason they aren't getting in touch with you. One follow up is good and then let it drop if you don't hear anything.

I agree w/ this.

[TZ]

I think your email sounds good.

General advice: Don't let yourself fall into an email rut.  Talk on the phone and meet in person as soon as you feel comfortable doing so.  I tried online dating for about 3 1/2 months.  I could usually tell whether or not I was interested in someone based on the first email and looking at a his profile.  By second email, we would exchange numbers.  If the conversation went well during the first or second phone call, we would schedule a date.  I only went out with two men, but my screening process worked.  Several didn't go beyond an initial phone call because we didn't really click.  One of the dates was a great guy, but I didn't feel a spark. 

Jimithing is right.  People's online personas can differ from their actual personality.  Also, somebody can be good looking and generally good on paper, but that doesn't necessarily mean you will feel any chemistry with him. It's better to know quickly by meeting them in person, so you don't invest too much time and emotion in somebody who isn't what you're looking for. 

Of course, I'm not particularly fond of email as a mode of communication (due to tone issues and lack of spontaneity), so I might be a tad biased on this one.

[Hijinks]

One guy I met through Match.com, we chatted for several months via email.  We had a lot in common; we even drove the same make, model, and color of car.  When we met and had dinner, I thought it went well.  I sent an email saying I had enjoyed the dinner and hoped he did too, and that I hoped to see him again.  Didn't hear anything back.

A week later I sent a follow-up email.  I just said, "If you didn't think it was that great to meet me, I'd appreciate you letting me know rather than leaving me hanging."  He finally wrote, "Yeah there just didn't seem to be any sparks."   Ok, fine!  Whatever!  Thanks for being a man and not hiding and whining!

Argh - I hate it when people are so passive and don't want to hurt someone's feelings so will rather just not say anything and make the person feel worse than if they had spoken up and said how they felt.

Anyway, a couple of years later I met my DH also through Match.  Our first date, we were halfway through the dinner when I felt that odd tickle in your throat that says you're getting a sore throat.  The fever and chills followed in less than an hour.  I finally begged him to take me to get medicine - so we went to Walgreens and I tried to buy Nyquil but they wouldn't let me because of the meth problem in Iowa.  I had to fill out this horrible long form and provide an ID, and I was shaking and blowing snot and nauseous ... it was awful.  Yet he still married me

Your email sounds just fine.  If he doesn't respond, let it go.  He may have been talking to another lady and has started to get serious with her, so he's not talking to you now.  I had that happen several times.

[jimithing]

I just wanted to add that I also think that the email sounds perfectly appropriate.  If he doesn't respond then I guess you know his answer.   It's also possible that in the time he has been emailing you he has been in contact with other women, and maybe it's gone to the next step with someone else and he doesn't know how to tell you.  This has happened to my friend on several occasions, and she has done this as well.

After my first date with DH, I sent him an email the next day saying that I really had a great time and I hoped he would consider going out again. He called me back shortly after that and said that he wanted to call me again right away but didn't want to appear too desperate and overzealous, so he was glad I initiated the ! 

[Hijinks]

I actually had a profile on Match that was all about the gaming that I liked to do and the games I played.  I wasn't getting many hits and was way far down in the list, so I decided to change my profile and take out the part about gaming.  The very next day, my DH sent the first email, because he had seen my profile previously and thought I sounded really cool, but he was shy.  Then my profile disappeared (because I changed it) and he got scared.  LOL.

[Lisbeth]

A while back I put a profile on JDate although I don't use it anymore.  I had a bad experience with someone I met.

There are three things I definitely wouldn't do on a dating site:
1) Lie in any way about oneself
2) Discuss one's sex history and preferences
3) Do anything that is against the rules of the site  (the first two things I mentioned probably fall in this category as well)

[madmichelle]

One guy I met through Match.com, we chatted for several months via email.  We had a lot in common; we even drove the same make, model, and color of car.  When we met and had dinner, I thought it went well.  I sent an email saying I had enjoyed the dinner and hoped he did too, and that I hoped to see him again.  Didn't hear anything back.

A week later I sent a follow-up email.  I just said, "If you didn't think it was that great to meet me, I'd appreciate you letting me know rather than leaving me hanging."  He finally wrote, "Yeah there just didn't seem to be any sparks."   Ok, fine!  Whatever!  Thanks for being a man and not hiding and whining!

I don't see anything wrong with not calling someone back or following up on a first date if you aren't interested in them. I don't think that a guy that I go on one date with owes it to me to call me or email me and let me know that he's not interested or that he doesn't see this going anywhere. Isn't that like breaking up with someone? I believe you have to reach a certain level of intimacy before you have to call someone to let them know you won't be calling anymore. I never got there after a date or two.

I remembered one more icky online dating story to serve as warning. I met one guy that was out of town, but was willing to make the two hour trek to come meet me. We had a great first date and we saw each other a couple of more times before I would actually let him pick me up at my place. On our last date, he asked if he could come inside and check his email before heading home. He told me he was waiting for his friend to send him directions. I let him and he left his email open after he left. He was going to visit another girl he'd met through Match in another town. I don't think it was a faux pas, say, but I didn't see him again.

[alohomora]

I met DH on an online dating service for people of my same religion.  The whole online thing is very surreal, and I have found that because it is generally anonymous for the first little while, online relationships tend to move at warp speed compared to regular relationships.  

ITA.  It does seem like things move a lot faster with online dating.  It's like you go from "Hi, how are you" to "So, do you want to have children someday" in a very short time frame.   

[alohomora]

As for a follow up letter after a period of silence, I think that's perfectly acceptable. Your letter was very polite and low pressure. When you're primarily in e-mail contact, sometimes you don't know whether you are deliberately being dropped or if there's really a good reason they aren't getting in touch with you. One follow up is good and then let it drop if you don't hear anything.

Good luck!

That was a big part of my concern about emailing him again. If he's been busy and hasn't had time to email, that's cool.  If he isn't interested anymore or has found a better match, that's cool too, but I would just prefer an email letting me know. 

[snowball's chance]

I don't see anything wrong with not calling someone back or following up on a first date if you aren't interested in them. I don't think that a guy that I go on one date with owes it to me to call me or email me and let me know that he's not interested or that he doesn't see this going anywhere. Isn't that like breaking up with someone? I believe you have to reach a certain level of intimacy before you have to call someone to let them know you won't be calling anymore. I never got there after a date or two.

I agree.  I'd much rather have a call/email not returned after one or 2 dates, or times hanging out, then get a response saying, "By the way, I don't likeyou."  Sometimes no answer IS an answer.

One time I deferred from this is when the guy (who I never even went out w/) met me & kept calling, and calling . . . I finally told him I wasn't interested, and frankly, he was freaking me out.

[alohomora]

I think your email sounds good.

General advice: Don't let yourself fall into an email rut.  Talk on the phone and meet in person as soon as you feel comfortable doing so.  I tried online dating for about 3 1/2 months.  I could usually tell whether or not I was interested in someone based on the first email and looking at a his profile.  By second email, we would exchange numbers.  If the conversation went well during the first or second phone call, we would schedule a date.  I only went out with two men, but my screening process worked.  Several didn't go beyond an initial phone call because we didn't really click.  One of the dates was a great guy, but I didn't feel a spark. 

I was a little worried about this too.  I don't want to give out my phone number too quickly, but I don't want to drag out the emailing situation so long that it becomes tiresome.  With the guy I'm emailing now, I wouldn't mind giving him my number and if he emails me back (and still seems interested) I think I will pass on my phone number.  In general, though, I've been a bit stingy with my phone number so far.  

[alohomora]

One guy I met through Match.com, we chatted for several months via email.  We had a lot in common; we even drove the same make, model, and color of car.  When we met and had dinner, I thought it went well.  I sent an email saying I had enjoyed the dinner and hoped he did too, and that I hoped to see him again.  Didn't hear anything back.

A week later I sent a follow-up email.  I just said, "If you didn't think it was that great to meet me, I'd appreciate you letting me know rather than leaving me hanging."  He finally wrote, "Yeah there just didn't seem to be any sparks."   Ok, fine!  Whatever!  Thanks for being a man and not hiding and whining!

Argh - I hate it when people are so passive and don't want to hurt someone's feelings so will rather just not say anything and make the person feel worse than if they had spoken up and said how they felt.

Anyway, a couple of years later I met my DH also through Match.  Our first date, we were halfway through the dinner when I felt that odd tickle in your throat that says you're getting a sore throat.  The fever and chills followed in less than an hour.  I finally begged him to take me to get medicine - so we went to Walgreens and I tried to buy Nyquil but they wouldn't let me because of the meth problem in Iowa.  I had to fill out this horrible long form and provide an ID, and I was shaking and blowing snot and nauseous ... it was awful.  Yet he still married me

Your email sounds just fine.  If he doesn't respond, let it go.  He may have been talking to another lady and has started to get serious with her, so he's not talking to you now.  I had that happen several times.

I absolutely agree with what you said about not wanting to be hanging!  Rejection sucks either way, so at least be open and upfront about it instead of leaving someone to wonder what the heck happened. 

I love the story about you and you DH's first date though.     So sweet that even after a not so romantic time, he still hung in there for the second date and all the ones that followed.  Also, your post a little further down where you said your DH got scared when he saw that your profile was missing from the site... very sweet.  It's clear that he knew the right woman for him when he saw her... or read about her, as it were.